


Savior

by niamcuddles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Trigger Warning!!!, if you get triggered easily by blood/cutting/depression etc. do NOT read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 162,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamcuddles/pseuds/niamcuddles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall’s past is horrific, he tries to forget it and hopes he can move on when the new school year stars. His only friend Harry tries to help him to open up more, however Niall really has no interest in anyone else - until Liam is the new kid in school and his behavior reminds Niall of himself.</p><p> </p><p>(Trigger warning: do not read if you get triggered by things such as blood/cutting/depression etc.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"It’ll be alright." I’ve heard these words way too often during the past few months.

From my mum, from my friends, my family, the doctors, the nurse. It will be alright. And I would nod and go to my room and lock the door and cry.

It will be alright, Niall.

Secretly I believed they replied it just because there was nothing else they could tell me, or probably this wasn’t for me, probably everyone was just trying to comfort themselves with these words.

But yeah, we all knew it, that nothing was and also wouldn’t be alright.

So I smiled before walking out of the door, one last look at my mum, who desperately tried to keep the happy face on as long as I was still looking at her, and finally decided to release her as I got in my car, sighing.

 

This should be cool actually, I should feel great. The first day of school and I had a freaking car. But I didn’t feel anything.

"NIALL!" I turned around, nervously playing with my sleeves as this girl whose name I had forgotten during the holidays came up running towards me, I thought she’d stop, but she didn’t and threw her arms around me, I stumbled backwards, trying to keep us both from falling as I automatically hugged her back. Shit, who was she again? Her last name at least, Niall. Something with P maybe…

"Have you missed me?" She breathed, staring up into my eyes, so fascinated as if I was an angel.

"Sure." And that was true somehow, I had missed everything that involved normal people, normal drama, even though I was still unsure whether this girl was normal or not.

As her face lit up, I couldn’t help but to smile back, for a long while I hadn’t met anyone who was this happy to have me around them.

And then I suddenly remembered who she was, not her name, but there somewhere in the back of my mind was a memory of this girl being the new one in school last year. And how rumors were spread that she had a huge crush on me, but I had ignored it ever since I first heard it, I wasn’t interested in those kind of things, there was too much going on in my life right now.

"Have you… lived in yet?" Good, I was making conversation.

"Yeah, kinda. You know, it was difficult with my brother now also being here and stuff…" She bit her lip as we walked towards the school building together.

I had quite a hard time following her words, because I was too paranoid to not turn around constantly, telling myself that these people were staring at me, that they knew, they were just talking about me all the time.

But of course, no one could know.

I was still just Niall Horan, just turned seventeen, totally normal, only a bit absent sometimes and with parents that had too much money. That was my introduction.

"Your brother?" I asked confused, as far as I could remember she only lived here with her father, but as I thought about it, I knew nothing else about her family and where her mum was or what happened, and I had never asked because if I was her, I wouldn’t wanna tell.

But obviously she did, nodding at my question.

"My brother, Liam. He and my mum stayed at our old home for a little bit longer because … well, there were some kind of… problems." Now it was getting uncomfortable, so I tried to help her out of it.

"So now you all live here?" Not that I cared, I was just trying to be polite.

She seemed relieved, I still didn’t know her name. “Yep. And I’m really glad, because I have missed him a lot. Oh!” Suddenly she stopped, slapping her forehead, I was more than confused.

"What?"

"I forgot, I promised him I’d show him the school before our first class, I need to go, bye Niall!" A wave, then she was gone, couldn’t spot her hair anymore between all these people, so I shrugged and walked on on my own.

So another new kid, good, maybe that’d be the new topic now and not the holidays. Not where everyone went for vacation or how often they met up with their friends or how they all had so much fun and hated to go back to school.

Oh shit, I shouldn’t have started thinking about this all.

"Hey." I turned my head, alarmed, but immediately relaxed again as I recognized Harry, my best friend sort of, even though this was just from my side I think. But he was the only one who… knew.

"Hi." I tried to smile, but gave up, because he glared at me, I understood and sighed, keeping on walking. "Look, I’m sorry, but I really wanted to call you it was just…"

"Just what?" He snapped, I didn’t really get the problem, it’s not like I was his only friend, he had like, the whole school as an option if he wanted to, especially the girls. "You said you’d call me as soon as you get back home, which was a week ago and as far as I can remember your name never showed up on my screen, or maybe I’m stupid and should-"

"I get it, okay?" Well, actually not at all. "I had problems with my parents, you know them, my mum is just over protective and there was really nothing we could’ve talked about on the phone because she would’ve found a way to listen to it as well, and getting out of the house would’ve even been more difficult."

Harry sighed, but he was still mad. “Okay, but I just wanted to be sure you’re alright, I woke up every day afraid to get out of bed and find my brother telling me you are-“

"But I’m not, okay?" I really didn’t wanna hear this one more time, I had been excited to go back to school, because here I could just act like nothing had changed, but it turned out there was no place I could go to escape what had happened. "Can we please just talk about something else?"

And that was the nice thing with Harry, that was why he was my best friend, because despite the fact that he had the reputation as a player and an arrogant asshole (just kidding, this was just his jealous ex-girlfriends calling him), he knew when to stop.

"So, had a nice chat with Lora before?" Did he sound jealous?

"Who?"

That made him laugh and also relax, but I didn’t understand anything as he “softly” punched my shoulder, probably creating a bruise here. “You just talked to her for about ten minutes, mate. Blonde hair, blue dress?” Oh, so that was her name.

"She just came up and threw herself into me as if she had spent all summer thinking about me." That was a nice way to describe her excitement.

"Well, she probably has." Now he sounded jealous again and I rolled my eyes, it’s not that Harry would have a problem finding a girl or that he would want Lora, but he had a problem if Lora didn’t want him. "Maybe I should cut my hair and dye it blonde." He suggested, playing with his curls.

"I think she is more into my personality and you can’t keep up with that, sorry." I joked and he sticked out his tongue, probably I would faint now if I was the girl standing three meters away from us, stalking Harry.

"No, seriously now, Niall. Maybe you should give her a chance." He threw a glance at me, but I was staring at someones head walking in front of me.

"I’m really more into brunette." I said, bored about the new topic. I didn’t like talking about stuff like that and especially not with Casanova himself.

"Well, it seems like you are more into spending your nights alone." And crying, I added in my head, but just smiled at Harry weakly, who was studying my face, worried all of a sudden.

"I don’t need a girlfriend right now, okay?" Because I could pretty good imagine how this would just create as much drama at home as the third world war.

I could actually hear my mum telling me every day to invite this girl over and how she would offer her to spend the nights or just move in completely, I think she would also build her a new house right next to ours or something like that. Ugh.

"You didn’t need a girlfriend for seventeen years, how do you even know if you do or not." I laughed at Harry’s desperation and patted his shoulder before stopping before my class. "I see you later, okay?"

He just nodded, still in thoughts, then he seemed to remember something, because he turned around again a few meters away, a sneaky grin on his lips that made girls heart’s break in no time. I knew that because usually I was the one listening to the crying after his break ups.

"You owe me a ride home, Horan." And of course he screamed it through the hallway and everyone looked at me, but I didn’t care and just smiled.

"We’ll see."

 

I took the seat in the last row, as usual, plugging my headphones in, there was no one in this class I knew, but anyway, that was totally okay, I could use a break from all this talking this morning.

So basically, it had been better than I had fantasized it. Harry really had kept his mouth shut, no one was interested into my holidays anyway and soon the danger of being asked would be over, maybe school really still was the same.

While waiting for the teacher to come in, I watched people, of course not hearing the words, but it was nice, to imagine their lives, how they would go home after school to their total normal family who wouldn’t ask them five thousand times if something happened or maybe hang out with their friends who wouldn’t over think every single one of their words. And most important of all, how they were free to spend their time however they wanted, because it wasn’t filled with therapist appointments.

Oh yes, today was monday, which meant I also wouldn’t have to go. But thinking about how my dad had looked at me today when waking me up or my mum when I left the house really made me wish I had to.

The teacher coming in saved me from my disturbing thoughts, getting darker as the minutes passed by, so it was a nice distraction, I put my headphones into my bag, but when I looked up again and into the front part of the class, I was confused.

Who was this guy next to my english teacher?

"Okay class, everyone sit down, this is Liam Payne, he just moved here, so be nice everyone. I know this is kind of stupid, but we always do that, so would you mind saying something about yourself, Liam?" And this is the point where a teacher destroyed someones time here if they didn’t already have a snappy comeback, everything was decided up there, so it was no wonder everyone suddenly eyed Liam Payne excitedly.

Woah, wait. Liam? Payne? He was Lora’s brother.

That actually made me also look at him, but not because I cared about what he had to say, just because it was interesting that he was in my class.

Well, I could tell, if he made an impression now, he would be in Harry’s clique during the next week, he sure was good looking, didn’t dress like a loser, just looked totally normal. The only thing I stared a bit too long for were his arms, because I was suddenly pretty sure he was one of the guys who hit the gym every single day. Thinking about it, maybe he was an arrogant idiot, his hair looked messy, yet somehow perfect… well, everything looked somehow perfect about Liam Payne, no wonder the girls were desperate for him to talk.

But then he messed my impression of him up, like not only a little bit, because Liam had no snappy comeback, or something cool to say, actually, he blushed, turned deep red and started staring at his feet.

"Well…" He mumbled, too silent, for me to hear if he had said anything more. "I…" Liam just stopped talking, it was really awkward, the silence was even starting to feel embarrassing to me, even though no one was able to look at me.

But then Liam did and I don’t know, I felt really bad for him, so I smiled and nodded slowly, trying to get him to open his mouth again because I already heard the whispers, calling him a freak and what not.

"Okay." The teacher suddenly stepped in. "Everyone gets nervous on his first day, so be quiet everyone, actually you have nothing to laugh about, Liam’s grades are better than everyone’s in here together. Sit down." He told Liam then, pointing at a free chair. We had a lot of free chairs because as just said, the grades really were bad.

Liam nearly fell over his feet, it seemed not right, the way he looked and how he behaved, he was nothing like his sister. As if one of them was adopted or so, but I decided I liked that way better than the “Hey, Niall, we have talked to each other twice, I love you”.

The period seemed to be a torture for Liam, he sat a few chairs away from me, but I sometimes looked over and every time I did I realized his desperate look at the clock and his foot going up and down, nervous. I felt really bad for him, I knew how this felt, it was just, I also knew that school wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

When the bell finally rang, I actually expected him to storm out or something, but he was clever and decided to not draw more attention on him, packing his things in really slowly, so slowly that no one even wanted to wait until he walked out to make him trip or something.

Actually I thought about saying something, but then I decided that he was better off on his own than with me, for now at least.

 

At lunch, Harry waved me over to sit with him and his friends, they all had nothing against me, but as said, it were his friends and not mine, we would talk and get along, but only as long as he was there, then we ignored each other on the hallways, not even greeting, and it felt okay to me. It was very childish and stuff, but that was just the football kids.

As I sat down, someone was just telling a story, a very familiar sounding one.

"…and then he would just stare at the ground and say nothing at all." A few people laughed, I started to feel worse for not saying anything.

"So you don’t think he will fit into the team? That’s really sad actually, has anyone seen him? He looked really fit." Oh yeah, they WERE talking about Liam, but Harry made me listen to him.

"Okay, Niall. Tonight we’ll go to the cinema and you’ll come too, I have a surprise for you." Oh no, Harry’s surprises were the worst.

"I can’t." My mum wouldn’t let me anyway.

"Yes, you do. I’ll come over and pick you up. Well actually I’ll just come over. You are the one with the car. Don’t worry, with me you’re allowed to go anywhere." That was true actually, my mum was in love with Harry, not only because of his looks I hoped, but also because he… well he stayed by my side, when.. yeah she loved him.

I quickly thought this over, well, going to the cinema would make me seem normal even though I really didn’t want to go, but I just agreed, making Harry smile.

The rest of the day was boring, as usual, I became witness of another Liam-performance in both our last period.

I don’t know, but something was strange about this all, I mean he had had all day, but he still hadn’t come up with anything to say, so this time, he didn’t blush anymore, he just looked at the wall behind us as the teacher told his name once again, half of the people in here already knew him of course.

Now he seemed to be more confident, more as if he didn’t care anymore, I could only guess what people had called him during all these hours.

"Would you like to say something to the class, Liam?" The teacher was actually really bored about this, he didn’t even look up from writing.

"No." Liam made everyone’s head turn, the teacher just shrugged, showing him that he could sit down before starting without waiting for him to get to his chair.

This time he was seated right next there beside me, and even though I really also didn’t know anyone in this class, the guy on my other side leaned over to whisper to me.

"You better take the seat in the front, Horan. This kid is strange." And he looked at me as if he was truly worried about me, as if we were friends or something and it made me real mad.

"Oh, really?" I could feel that Liam was staring at us.

"Yeah." A quick nod. "Haven’t you heard about him yet? The whole school already talks about him, apparently he had to leave his last school. And not because he is so great, no offense, but your reputation is not that good and I suggest you do not befriend this guy." Wow, that was just really enough.

"Well, I suggest you shut the fuck up." His jaw dropped, because I usually was not mean to anyone, just stayed out of their ways when it was enough, but I guess after all, I had changed over the holidays.

Before awaiting an answer, I actually moved my seat away from him, more into Liam’s direction, there had never been much space and now there was hardly none, I didn’t do this because I was desperately looking for friends or anything like that, I was just disgusted by the other guy.

Anyway, I felt Liam looking at me from the side, so I turned my head, staring into a pair of brown eyes, he seemed to be very confused, couldn’t blame him for that, but also a bit down, so I decided to say something, anything, because I knew how often I had wished for someone to do that, and no one ever did.

"Don’t care about what people say, school is not everything, you know." And I had to know that.

Before we could actually start a conversation, my teacher somehow decided Liam shouldn’t hear anything nice anymore. “Niall, since you have time to talk, I guess you already know the answer, so please come forward and share it with us.”

I sighed, getting up from my seat, lucky me I actually really knew the answer, I was good in maths, not because I liked it, but because when you aren’t allowed to go out for that long, even a maths book gets interesting at some point.

It felt good to see that guy who had been talking mean about Liam drop his smile as I actually got credit for that.

Neither me or Liam talked or looked at each other again and I have to admit, by the time I was in my car again with Harry babbling next to me, I had forgotten about him and stopped wondering about why he had to change schools, coming to the conclusion that it must’ve been really bad if he took this on him instead.

 

"Niall, honey, is that you?" I froze on the stairs, quickly letting the annoyance show on my face and resisting to slam the wall before forcing my voice to sound carefree.

"Yeah, mum, I’m here." Quickly I got down again, I had hoped she wasn’t home, but apparently I still wasn’t allowed to be alone. But letting me drive was okay. I didn’t get it.

"How was your day, baby?" Those nicknames were getting on my nerves, really, and then someone wondered why I wouldn’t bring home friends. If I would have some, but that wasn’t the point.

"Good." That didn’t convince her of course, I was used to that, I always had to spill out my whole conversations to her before she would let me go. "It was really nice to see Harry again. And everyone else." Cough.

"Yeah, that’s nice." She smiled at me and ran her fingers through my hair, which was hard because I was bigger than her and I hated it, I hated how she babied me. "It will help you to see your friends again. You haven’t seen them all summer long." Yeah I know and it was great. Well, that had been the only positive side about that summer, but anyway, I smiled at her.

"Actually, mum, can I go to the cinema tonight?" Making it sound innocent, but it didn’t help, she frowned immediately.

"WIth who?" Now her voice sounded strict, it was weird, sometimes I thought she wanted me to go out and be happy and live my life but in situations like these I think she just wanted to lock me inside the house, just because.

"Harry?" I made it sound like a question, but her smile came back.

"Oh, of course you can. Tell him to come over before." Sure, Harry would also be allowed to move in with me. But Harry wouldn’t want to, because he lived with his bigger brother and his life was perfect and we were a fucked up family and my mum treated me like I was five.

"He already invited himself." I faked a laugh, as if that was really funny and she joined me, which was so awkward that I wanted to cry. That was strange, I hadn’t cried since weeks now.

"Okay, don’t forget to take your pills, hon, I need to quickly go to the store, okay?" Finally, she’d leave, yes, please, go out that door, GO.

"Okay, see you later." A kiss on my forehead and I could breathe again.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know why she acted that way, everything had been different a year ago or so, well at least that’s what everyone thought, actually I had been the same, I was just good at hiding, but when you do that, there comes the point where you blow up. And I did. And now I had to live with the consequences.

My dad was different than my mum, he looked out for me as well, but he accepted the fact that I had my own life, that I had messed up in my past and tried really hard to change.

Sadly he had no influence on her, he lost every argument as soon as she yelled at him “I listened to you about how to raise our son for sixteen years now see what came out!”, I knew those words, because they usually fought when I was at home as well, locked into my room with music playing, pressing my hands to my ears, not wanting to hear any of this anymore.

But actually, nothing like this had happened ever since I came back home a week ago, so maybe there was still hope left.

Right now, I should actually be pretty happy I guess, but I wasn’t and I knew because I could pretend that I was normal and all that, but that usually stopped right when I remembered that I still had to swallow three different kind of pills to at least make it through a day.

I don’t know why, but when I walked through the empty house about to get them, I suddenly remembered Liam Payne again and how he must feel right now, after turning his first day into a disaster. I hoped that Lora was able to cheer him up and that he opened up to her and wasn’t the kind of guy to suck it all in like I was.

I decided to keep an eye on him, you never knew right. No one had kept an eye on me and I could’ve really needed it.

 

Harry came over too soon of course, smiling all cheeky as my mum opened the door, he always did that because he knew that she’d bake him cookies and all that stuff. I felt like he was the perfect version of how I was supposed to turn out, instead I turned out to be… well, me.

"Oh Harry, how’s your brother, how were your holidays, honey?" Yeah, she called him nicknames as well, but he didn’t have to hear them 24/7 so he was okay with that while shoving cookies into his mouth, smiling all cute and making puppy eyes, if I wouldn’t have known that he was just out for food I’d say he tried to hit on her.

"Good, ma’am. Thanks a lot, those cookies are the best thing I’ve ever eaten in my whole life. Except for when I come here of course." And they laughed and got along really well while I sat there, counting the seconds to when I was finally allowed to go.

"Niall?" My dad stuck his head in the kitchen, I was the only one who heard him though, Harry and my mum were deep into conversation.

Because my presence wasn’t even needed here, I gladly followed him into the living room.

"What’s the matter?" He immediately pressed his fingers to his lips, making me raise an eyebrow. What, now he had also lost his mind?

"I just wanted to warn you."

"About what?" It was weird, how paranoid he was so mum wouldn’t hear him.

"Your mum wants you to change your therapist." He sighed as I got mad.

"What, no!" I liked my therapist, mostly because she and my mum didn’t get along. "I really like her."

"I know, but don’t worry, I talked her out of it. And by the way, here’s some money, don’t tell your mum though, she’d think you buy… some… just don’t tell her." He made me put the money into my pocket right away, so I couldn’t count it, but I was happy. I was never allowed to carry much money with me, that was just silly, I’d find other ways to get what I really wanted. If I had wanted it.

"Thanks, dad." Glad that I still got him, I hugged him quickly, realizing once more that he was the only reason I tried to get better and not my mum, before going back to the freakshow in the kitchen.

"Harry, we need to go." I just threw in, interrupting my mum explaining how she did her hair. Wait, what?

"Oh, that’s really sad, have fun boys!" My mum actually kissed Harry’s cheek and I was so proud of myself to get out of the house without her doing the same to me, silly how that made me happy.

"Finally." I sighed as I drove down the street.

"Your mum’s great, dude, I don’t know what your problem is." As I glanced over at him, he started to laugh, patting my shoulder. "Just kidding, I’m sorry. You know, I’d offer you to live with us, but I think she’d rather die than to let you move out."

Actually, this wasn’t funny at all, it showed me how much I had really messed up that one night at the end of last school year.

I could’ve just pulled myself together like I had all those years, no one had noticed anything, but then suddenly there were those pills and an empty house and… yeah.

Moving my arm my sleeve slipped down, I caught Harry’s eyes go wide, but pretended like nothing had happened, so he quickly started the radio, singing too loud to a song we both hated.

 

When we got to the cinema some of Harry’s friends were already waiting, boys and girls, so I could guess what the surprise was.

God damn it, when would he finally stop trying to hook me up with one of those cheerleaders, he didn’t even play football.

Harry greeted them all over excitedly, while I slowly made myself nod into the round, which was replied with nods as well. It was so weird.

"Are we ready?" Someone asked, but Harry, who somehow seemed to be the leader of us all, shook his head.

"Not yet. She should be here soon." He winked at me, I rolled my eyes, please not who I thought.

But of course, who else other could it be than Lora, right? This was just too obvious, it was unfair to her, I was NOT interested, when would people finally realize that, I had never made her any hopes and I also didn’t plan to. I wouldn’t mind being just friends, but she didn’t seem like the kind of girl who would accept that.

When she arrived, my problem was forgotten, because guess what, she didn’t come alone, she was pulling her brother with her, who obviously couldn’t have been more unhappy looking to be here. I understood him.

"Harry?" Everyone’s eyes was on my best friend, who seemed to get a bit smaller.

"I had no idea okay." He hissed back. "Now just be nice, just act like… " I think it was very obvious how people suddenly seemed to look at me quickly, before pretending to look at something else. But they were right, yeah, they would treat him like me, he was there, but somehow he wasn’t, just accepted because he was friends with someone else who belonged.

"Hi, guys." Lora looked pretty actually, the guys noticed, making her feel welcome, even though she only stared at me, but I was pissed off somehow. How could she do that to Liam? "Hi, Niall."

I smiled quickly before letting myself drop behind as we walked in, gladly Lora joined the other girls, well they MADE her join, because she obviously was an competitor looking like this, couldn’t be left alone with any of the guys.

"Hey, Liam." I said, because I turned around, finding him still standing there, looking lost.

His head snapped up. “Hi.” Was all I got, couldn’t tell whether he was shy or just really annoyed by me.

"Are you… coming?" The others were nearly out of sight now, no one noticed us missing, sure thing. Or well maybe they did and fastened their steps.

"I’m not sure yet." Liam was chewing around on his bottom lip, I was actually surprised how everyone just made him feel so unwanted, usually looks were all that counted in this school, and he had it all I guess.

"And when do you think you’ll know?" Actually I found it nice talking to him, because we didn’t know each other at all, my therapist wouldn’t be happy to hear that I had become fond of being with strangers rather than my family.

"I think I’ll go home." He then nodded, more to himself I think. "Yeah, I’ll do that. See you tomorrow… or so." As he turned to go I was really confused, that was it?

"Wait." He did, looking at me, but I didn’t know what to say and why I had stopped him.

"What?" I needed to just say anything.

"Why did you come here then?" Wow, that sounded like meaner that I had wanted, but he didn’t notice and just shrugged.

"My sister. You know her, don’t you?" No.

"A bit, maybe, we haven’t really talked that much." No idea why I also started lying now, was I so desperate that I wanted him to stay?

"Okay, you should maybe hurry now, your friends are gone." We both looked at the empty cinema entrance and my heart dropped to my pants. Wow, nice one, Harry.

But when I turned around to Liam again, ready to defend myself for being left alone out here, he had already started walking away, past his sister’s car.

"Wait up!" I jogged the few meters, he was very confused.

"You’ll miss out on the movie." Of course, I couldn’t tell him that Harry would make me sit next to Lora because he wanted us to make out and that’s why I wasn’t really interested in the movie anyway I just wanted to have an excuse to get out of the house.

"Yeah, whatever. Do you need a ride home?" Isn’t that what everyone’s been trying to get me to do? Find friends, Niall. Don’t isolate yourself. Open up. And what not, but for the first time, this was not forced, I had found someone who probably felt as miserable as me in school, I could try and make it better, so he wouldn’t end up like me.

Liam’s eyes widened, he stuttered something I couldn’t understand, so I sighed, realizing that he probably didn’t trust me at all, why would he. Maybe I was just some of this kids in school, trying to prank him or so, he couldn’t know that I was the exact opposite.

"Well, you can also walk, but… I was just thinking, you just moved here so…" He probably would get lost. Not that it was my problem, but somehow it was now.

He studied my face for so long that I got insecure and looked down, playing with my sleeves how I always did, if he really did get into that car with me, I’d have to make sure nothing like before happened. He couldn’t know, no one could, except Harry, but he had before, just never saw or asked, so that’s probably why he didn’t come looking for me and rather hung out with his “normal” friends.

"Okay." Liam then said, I was actually surprised, but nodded, gesturing him to follow me.

"Wow, how did you get a car like this?" He really seemed to be impressed, I guess I also should appreciate it more, but this had just been one of the thousand presents supposed to cheer me up.

"My parents." Was all I said, he’d find out about me, that they were rich and that I lived in a fucking big house, and maybe he’d judge me then, who knows.

"That’s pretty cool." His smile didn’t seem fake or anything, like he really was happy for me that my parents bought me a car like this.

"Yeah…" I mumbled, unlocking the doors, not wanting to talk about it, that topic was dangerous. Wait, nearly every topic was dangerous.

Liam seemed really concerned about how he should get into my car without making it dirty, that made me laugh somehow.

"Just get in." So he did, still impressed, I shook my head slowly. "I wish Harry was as thoughtful." As I said that I reached over to the floor and found one of my mum’s cookies lying there in a mess of used tissues, so I decided I wouldn’t touch that and just leaned back, grossed out. "See what I mean? He only was in here twice."

Liam smiled, it was really strange for me to just start talking like that, I was afraid more things would slip out, so I kept my mouth shut and just drove before I remembered that I had no glue where he lived.

"Where do you live?" I caught myself wishing it was further away, because I enjoyed driving much more than sitting in a cinema, but I’d have to go back and pick Harry up again of course, and I also couldn’t dare to be seen by anyone. It wasn’t like everyone knew everyone here, but who knows, maybe my mum sent some spy after me.

"Just keep going." Liam replied, finally relaxing a bit about where he was allowed to touch my car, as if he would break anything if he moved his hands away from his lap.

I wanted to ask him something, make him talk, as an distraction, but I didn’t wanna sound curious or annoying, so I waited a few minutes when I decided that it was okay to turn on the radio. Actually, I wasn’t looking for anything particular, so I just stopped at any song, realizing that I liked it, because it was Justin Bieber and it didn’t come to my mind that I had tried to keep this a secret.

"You like him?" Liam suddenly asked and I nearly didn’t see the red light, so the car stopped a bit abruptly.

"What, who?" I asked innocently, staring at the people that I had nearly killed.

"Justin Bieber." Well, what could he do right, if he knew what kinda music I listened to, maybe tell Lora, and in the best case, she’d stop adoring me, so why not tell the truth.

"Yeah, I guess." I didn’t get an answer. "What, no jokes?"

"No, I was actually listening to the sing, never heard any by him before, but if you like him well, can’t be that bad." Wow, was that meant to be nice or not?

"Oh." How was I supposed to answer? I kept staring outside the window, making it seem as if I was a really attention paying driver. "Well, he’s not bad at all. Keep listening." I ordered, sounding pretty confident actually.

A chuckle from my right, but I didn’t turn my head to look, because then I’d probably crash into the car in front of me.

So this drive was very interesting, even though we didn’t talk that much, the only thing that I found out about Liam’s life was that he had a dog, so I was thrilled and he didn’t seem to mind telling me everything I blurted out.

I don’t know how I came up with all these questions about a pet, but maybe it was because I really wanted a dog too or maybe because it was a very safe thing to talk about, wouldn’t get anyone uncomfortable.

There was no doubt that Liam was much unlike everyone else here, he wasn’t attention seeking, never spoke of himself, wasn’t curious to find out things about me or anyone in school, actually, we didn’t even mention school like you would think, we sticked to Justin Bieber and his dog.

So when I stopped the car in front of a pretty normal looking house, we still didn’t know each other.

"Thanks a lot." At least he didn’t seem to be shy anymore like he had seemed in front of the class or when he was about to get into my car, actually I think he had more confidence than me, which wasn’t really a miracle.

"No problem. That would’ve been a quite long walk." We had been driving for at least half an hour.

"I don’t mind walking." He then said, I had a feeling he was saying something else with that, more like he preferred running around in a town he hardly knew all alone rather than being in the cinema with people who he didn’t really know. Maybe he WAS shy. "Anyway, I hope your friends aren’t mad at you now." Liam bit his lip, but I just shrugged.

"Actually, you know… those are Harry’s friends. And I’ll apologize to him when I pick him up." That seemed to surprise him, now my secret was spilled, I also went to the cinema with people I didn’t know, but Liam didn’t say anything about it, the door already half opened.

"If you pick him up, that means you’ll have to wait in the car forever. You want to quickly come in and… see my dog?" That was a really weird question, I wanted to say that it was fine and drive back, pretending that it hadn’t happened, but then I changed my mind, I really liked dogs, okay.

"Okay."

So I payed much attention to the inside of the house, because it was very different from mine, I liked it better actually. When someone walked in our house they felt like they are standing in the middle of a furniture store, it was better here, things lying around, and a normal floor, god how I hated the way my mum’s heels sounded on ours, I actually heard it plus how she would say my name with anxiety that something might have happened.

Liam somehow felt more safe in his home, actually smiling at me and just called out for his dog, Hunter, who came running around the corner in no time, it was a nice dog, Liam had told me that they didn’t know which kind because he was from the animal shelter and a crossbreed, but I didn’t care.

I enjoyed how he would greet us both, even though he didn’t even know me, that was the reason I liked animals so much, because they didn’t judge you, I had once said that to Harry when I was at his home for the first time, and he had gotten up and brought me his cat, encouraging me to take it, because, copying his words “she is the spawn of the devil”.

Not thinking about it, I got down on the floor playing with Liam’s dog, not realizing how his mum walked in on us.

"Liam if this is you, then… oh." She stopped in the doorway, a few meters away, suddenly smiling down at me, which felt disturbing to me, wasn’t she mad that Liam had just taken me here, without asking?

So I quickly got up, trying to not get him into trouble by at least behaving well.

"Sorry for just coming in, I’m Niall, I… I have a few classes with Liam." How are you supposed to talk to someone else’s parents? I had never come into a situation like this before, Harry lived with his brother, who was high on a daily basis and never payed attention to me. Of course, my mum didn’t know about this, she thought he was an author. Well he was, for a porn magazine.

"Oh, that’s nice, don’t worry, just stay as long as you want, okay?" Then she actually left us alone again, wow, my mum would’ve … well, maybe I had to finally realize that some people did have a normal life.

"I think I… should go now. I like your dog." I added, because I really did and I also didn’t wanna leave, but now I felt embarrassed.

"That’s okay, don’t worry." Liam tried to calm me down, he seemed to realize how I felt.

"Yeah, okay… but I… well maybe I really should leave." I was up and about to get out again.

"Wait a second, I actually need to take Hunter for a walk, I’ll go outside with you." Hunter seemed to be excited about me also still being there and jumped around between us, sometimes liking my fingers, Liam smiled down at him, patting his head.

"So… I’ll see you tomorrow then, first period, right?" It would be nice to sit next to Liam if I thought about it, because he was someone with whom it was okay to just stay quiet, I could just ask him to take the seat next to me but… not now.

"Right. Oh and Niall?" This was the first time he had called me by my name, I don’t know why I noticed that.

"Yes?" I had my hand at the door already.

"Thanks for not taking the front seat today." Oh, so he remembered what I had done, that meant he also remembered what I had told him.

"Anytime." He got another not forced smile from me, lucky him. Not.

So when I drove back, I felt a little bit better, maybe it was the dog or the fact that I had managed to get out of the house and do something else than what I had told my mum. She would probably tell me that I’m out of control if she knew but she never would, Harry was good at keeping secrets.

But now I also decided that Liam was okay unlike so many other people in this school, he may be and outsider and stuff, but I didn’t care about that, he was just good company and I didn’t need to tell him my whole life story, neither did he, so that was nice. I for sure would keep an eye on him, just in case people would decide and start to bully him, I had heard that someone had already nicknames for him.

 

"Niall." Harry got into the passenger seat, holding up his hands, confused, as if he didn’t know where to start. "What the fuck… no, okay, I’m not gonna get upset now, but where the heck have you been?"

"Well… Liam didn’t wanna see the movie so I quickly gave him a lift home and then I waited for you to come out again." Didn’t sound bad at all. Well it did to Harry.

"WHAT? Are you crazy?" He actually stared at me in shock, I sighed.

"No. He is actually nice and I also didn’t wanna see the movie, so why not? Don’t complain, I’m here to pick you up." Well he obviously didn’t have an argument anymore, just shook his head in desperation.

"What am I gonna do with you, Niall? You know, the surprise was the Payne with the heels and not the one with the dick. Well, maybe you should tell his sister where he is, she freaked out a bit about you two missing. I think she is mad." Perfect.

We waited until Lora passed my window, and I stopped her, saying her name, actually, she didn’t seem mad at all.

"I just wanted to tell you that Liam is home already, I drove him." She nodded, relieved somehow, but the fear didn’t leave her eyes.

"Thanks a lot, Niall, that was really nice of you. See you tomorrow." Then she would wave at Harry, whose jaw had dropped at this.

"Why is she still so nice? She must really like you, you know?"

The whole way back Harry tried to convince me that we would make the perfect couple because I already knew her brother and stuff, good thing that he didn’t know that I also knew her mum, her dog and what her house looked like.

But then he suddenly stopped talking.

"Oh my god, have we just been listening to Justin Bieber for more than three seconds, quick turn it off before I get cancer!" He screamed, slamming his hand against the radio, turning it off.

Okay, my taste in finding people I found okay was pretty mixed up.

"Are you going to get out now or do I have to drive you to hospital?" I joked, but he rolled his eyes.

"I think I’m save, as long as it’s not five seconds, we should survive." Well I had been listening to this for hours and I was still breathing, I think it was for his own good if I didn’t tell him that.

"Good to know. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah…" Harry watched me for a second, worried, but then he waved and headed for the door, so I drove off home before he started to ask me questions.

I really didn’t wanna go home now, but my mum had probably looked into the internet about how long the movie was and already counted down the seconds to when I had to be back, so what choice did I have, none.

 

The next day, I was pretty excited to wake up because I could go see my therapist right after school and didn’t have to come home, perfect.

My mum didn’t find this perfect, she hated my therapist, like my dad had told me yesterday, but I didn’t care, she had no say in this, I was old enough.

When I came into school, Harry greeted me by jumping onto my back, nearly hitting my car window with his foot. The funny part is, if he had broken it my mum wouldn’t have been mad at neither of us. Well probably at me, for not holding her baby tight enough.

"Please, get down, you’re too" I had to catch my breath, seriously. "Heavy."

"That’s not really nice." Harry grumbled, but did what he was told, however, his bad mood didn’t last for a minute, he threw his arm around my shoulder as we walked. "Guess what?"

"No, please, not another surprise." Because I knew this smile.

"It’s really cool this time, I promise." He made his puppy face and seemed to forget that I wasn’t a girl, so I just shoved him out of my way as I spotted Liam’s hair and was slightly distracted for a moment.

"You always say that." Harry thought about it, then he agreed.

"Well yes, but just listen okay?" He didn’t come far, though, already got me worried at half of the first sentence. "My brother’s friend Louis-"

"Wait, wait. Louis?" I knew this guy and I could tell that Harry’s surprise could only suck.

"Don’t say his name like this, he is pretty cool." Sounded like he was in love with him.

"He is nineteen years old, unemployed and tried to sell us drugs." Or something like that, that had happened on my fourteenth birthday, I couldn’t really remember it anymore.

"No, that was my brother." Wow, that was even worse, but right, it must’ve been Zayn, Harry’s brother, while he took a break from writing porn. Just kidding he didn’t. Well at least hadn’t three years ago. "Anyway, Louis is coming to visit for some… time." He moved in with them obviously. "And he said he would be there if I invite some people and would buy us some things if we want to party." The sparkling eyes of my best friend made me scared.

"Some things? Let me guess, drugs?"

Harry snorted. “We have lots of those at home, so no. You should be honored to be invited as the first, friday, at my place. I even allow you to bring someone.” So he winked at me, playfully hitting the same spot on my shoulder as yesterday, creating a bigger bruise, this actually started to hurt.

"Thank you so much, Harry, I couldn’t have asked for more, really, that makes me so happy, come here let me hug you." I made it all sound really stupid, so he knew what I thought about it, trying to throw my arms around him.

"No, Niall, I hate when you are like this, no!" Harry wanted to get away, but I had grabbed his wrist, this was just too funny.

"Why don’t you wanna hug me, you just made all my wishes come true!" That probably would prevent him from asking me again to come over and join in on his drug party.

"I need to go to my class now, find someone else to cuddle, but think about it, okay? Promised? Okay, thanks!" I let him go, shaking my head slightly, but smiling a bit, it was good that I had a friend like this, even though he had lost his mind.

When I got into class, Liam was already there, but leaned over a notebook, scrabbling something inside, sadly on the same place as yesterday, far away from mine.

Actually I wasn’t like this and actually I would’ve just ignored him now, but somehow I didn’t, maybe because I still felt bad for him, people were obviously talking behind his back, even now, and I wanted to show him that I wasn’t like this.

So I walked up to him, taking the empty chair beside him, giving those people behind us more stuff to talk about.

He looked up, quickly closing his book, but I hadn’t even tried to look at what he was doing, I had agreed with myself to just act like this was totally normal, like this was my usual seat.

I felt his stare though, but just kept on taking my things out of my bag, still not saying a word.

"Well, hi." Liam finally said, as I turned my head, he was smiling. Not a shy smile this time, more as if he knew what I was trying to do here, I felt exposed.

"Hi." I sunk a bit deeper into my chair, not really liking it when people where sitting behind me, made me feel paranoid, I needed to tell my therapist about this. So I pulled up my hoodie, which was good because then my seat neighbor couldn’t stare at me like that anymore.

"Are you…okay?" No, I never was actually.

"Yes, I just… I just like it better when I’m sitting in the last row, you know." It slipped out of my mouth, I hadn’t planned on letting him know that, shit.

"Then why’d you sit down here?"

I was the one scrabbling into my map now, but it was just nonsense, anyway, I thought I could hear a smile in Liam’s voice.

"To be closer to the board. I need to catch up a bit."

"It’s the second day of school." He nearly laughed, I could tell, wow I should feel good now, I had managed to make him laugh, made him feel better, that was good.

"I mean I can’t lose track like last year." I hadn’t lost track, I just nearly failed every subject because I would just stop studying and … no.

"Oh, okay." So the questions and the talking stopped, I kept on drawing stuff onto my map and Liam started to gain confidence and start writing again, trusting me enough that I didn’t look.

Everything was fine until the end of the period, when our teacher decided to let us go five minutes earlier and someone threw a piece of paper onto my desk.

Oh no, I hated shit like that.

So I opened it, really bad handwriting, trying to find out what the words meant, pretty sure it was something like “Stop being friends with Payne or school will be hell for you”. I found this quite funny, because it already was.

"What’s that?" Liam suddenly asked me, I just shrugged, shoving it into my pocket.

"Nothing, just some idiot telling me they’ll give me hell if I sit beside you again." But surprisingly, he DID take this serious, turned all white and stuff.

"What?"

"Calm down, what are they supposed to do? I sit wherever I want." I really didn’t fucking care anymore about any of these people, but my words didn’t help, Liam was slightly upset as we walked out of class side by side, hadn’t done that in a while.

"I think…I think I know who that was. Even though I don’t know his name. Well, never mind." He blushed a bit, but this time I actually would make an afford and make him tell me, because that was strange.

"No, tell me. Who is it and how would you know?" So he sighed, looking away from me.

"I don’t know anyone here, but he sits in the last row and he was the one who made sure the whole school knew that I was a stupid idiot right after the first period." The problem was, I also didn’t know anyone in this class.

"Oh. What an asshole, I could ask Harry to make some of his friends wait after school for him and-"

"No." Liam interrupted me, I hadn’t realized, but we were already in front of his next class, wow, how did he manage to make time pass by so fast and get me to actually talk without being annoyed or wishing I was alone? "I just want them to leave me alone, okay? And be… careful. I don’t want to be the reason you get into any trouble." That was really nice of him, I smiled a bit.

"Don’t worry, see you later." I quickly waved, then I turned around and walked down the hallway, bumping into Lora who was in quite a rush, but stopped anyway to talk to me.

"Oh, Niall, thanks again for driving Liam home yesterday. Anyway, I was wondering… would you like to spend lunch with us today?" I think she wanted to add a please, but she didn’t, swallowed it down with some other words. "I asked Harry too and he said he’d… well…" Now Lora blushed.

"He said he’d beat the shit out of me if I said no?"

"Yeah." Now she was confused, but I sighed and secretly cursed Harry in my mind, anyway, I had no one else to be with than him and if he was with the Payne kids, I had no other choice.

"Okay, well, see you at lunch then." And she gave me the brightest of all smiles before rushing off again.

I felt a bit bad about this, I really hoped she didn’t think I had said yes because of her and that Harry didn’t raise her hopes.

Luckily I didn’t get any more hate messages during the day, everything was just normal and that was nice, I wasn’t talking to anyone anymore, never stumbled over someone on the hallway, so when it was lunch, I had a bit of trouble finding the others, but then I spotted Harry’s curls and right next to him Lora’s not to be overseen straight blonde hair, I think she had bleached it, which I absolutely hated.

Liam was there as well, but he didn’t seem to be part of the conversation of his sister and Harry and some guy from the football team, he seemed out of place there. Well, that made two of us.

I just nodded as I sat down, Liam sat across the table but I didn’t really look at him, just stared down, thinking about something completely different, when suddenly Harry’s voice made me jump.

"Niall!" I nearly hit Liam as my head shot up, everyone was eying me a bit worried.

"Sorry, what?"

"Lora was talking to you." It was hard not to glare at Harry now, but I resisted, waiting for a pretty blushed girl to repeat her words.

"I just said, you and Harry could come over sometime, if you want. It should get warmer the next days and we have a pool." Woah, woah, bad idea, Harry looked at me, apologizing, he hadn’t known either, but I didn’t blame him.

"Oh that’s nice, I…" Liam and my eyes met for a second, I quickly made sure to look down again, desperately looking for a excuse. "It’s just I… I don’t really like to swim. I’m quite scared of… water." The three diving medals hidden somewhere in our attic told a different story, Harry slammed his forehead against his palm.

"Oh, that’s okay, Liam is like that as well." What? I looked up, to see Liam staring at his sister a bit angry and Harry totally losing track of the conversation, but still he just decided to bring himself into it.

"Well, we’ll come, sure thing and before I forget it, I’m having a party on friday." Oh no, I tried to make him look at me, but he just ignored me. "It will be great, you should both come." Actually, you could say now that it was nice of Harry to not only invite Lora, but the truth was that he would get so many people to come over that no one would even remember who had been there except for the important people of course, so not me.

Liam and me looked at each other, it just kinda happened and we both realized that none of us wanted to go there, this was weird, we understood each other, without saying a word.

However, his sister was all excited and hyper, bonding with Harry and trying to make me agree to come to the party as well until Liam decided to help me out by asking me about our maths homework, which they found really stupid, wouldn’t get involved here.

As the last period was over, I had spent it sitting next to Liam again, this time in the last row, the other guy however, he had changed seats now so we were all alone, I remembered that I had to hurry, so I threw my stuff into my bag carelessly.

"So… are you really going to Harry’s party?" Liam started suddenly, made me froze in my movement. We hadn’t really talked to each other after lunch.

"I don’t think I can pull out, he’s my best friend, you know." I bit my bottom lip, knowing this sounded pathetic, but I owed Harry so much. "But I’d really advise you to not give in when your sister begs you to go, trust me." No idea why I added this, I just guess I didn’t want Liam Payne to get involved with those people, drugs and stuff, after all he had been worried about me as well earlier, so I felt responsible for telling him. "Those parties are… " No wait, I didn’t know this guy.

Gladly, he didn’t ask, just nodded slowly.

"Yeah… I haven’t really planned to, so…" Our eyes met again, he seemed thankful but worried in some way, so I grabbed my bag.

"I need to hurry up now, see you tomorrow, bye!" I waved at him real quick not waiting for an answer, before turning around, barely realizing that some people had been staring at me a bit confused, I didn’t know why. Maybe because I had actually been talking to someone other than Harry for more than a few seconds, who knew, didn’t know people payed attention to me.

 

"So, have you cut yourself again? Or any sort of self harm?" She didn’t look up while asking, that was better, not like those caring looks I always got from other people.

"No." Now she did look up, but still, it was like this was a totally normal conversation between us, so I leaned back into the couch.

"Do I need to check?" My therapist raised an eyebrow, but I just shook my head, not nervous at all like last time, because last time I had been lying.

"Okay, well, I believe you this time, but we both know it doesn’t help when you lie, right?" Of course it doesn’t, but sometimes I actually didn’t want to get better, just be left alone.

"What about your pills, are they alright?"

"Yeah, they are better than the last ones, no nightmares." We’d smile at each other for a second.

"Good. Have you had any suicidal thoughts lately? Or anything like that, you know the questions better than I do, Niall, so?" Actually, it felt good to say no and mean it, because it was true. I had had not so nice thoughts, but that was okay, right? I couldn’t just be healed in a few days and normal people got sad sometimes, too.

So with that she threw the report on the table and leaned back while smiling at me, crossing her legs, making herself comfortable.

That was why I liked her, because I didn’t feel like a kid in therapy, I just felt like being with a person I could actually trust with anything and who wouldn’t spoil my secrets. And that was also exactly why mum didn’t like her.

"Okay, enough of this, tell me about your first days of school. How’s Harry?" And when I mean trust with anything, I mean anything.

"It’s all good, he’s still the same, trying to make me go out with this girl, Lora. Oh and there’s this new kid, her brother. I gave him a ride home yesterday night." It felt good finally talking about it to someone, so I said more than I had told Harry, knowing she wouldn’t judge me. "I even was in his house." That lit up her face.

"Oh, that’s good, do you like him? What’s his name?"

"Liam. And I’m not quite sure yet if… I can trust him, you know. I don’t even know him or anything about his life, but apparently he had to change schools and people hate on him. I actually got hate too, for sitting next to him…"

So we talked about that, I showed her the paper and told her a little bit more about Liam, because she wanted to know.

So I just kept on babbling about him and before she asked me about my family, she told me that I should really try and be friends with him, I didn’t have to tell him things about me, but apparently it would be good for me or something like that.

Then we actually, yeah I know that’s mean, laughed a bit about my mum, before the conversation got all serious again.

"No, honestly, Niall, she’s just scared, she doesn’t wanna lose you."

"I know, but I wished she’d just trust me a little bit more, it’s not like I go and buy me razors as soon as I have a little bit more money with me." Because that was one of the things she was afraid I’d buy.

"Give it some time, things will get better, you’ve already noticed that, haven’t you?"

Maybe… a little bit.

So when I finally got home, I was deep into thoughts, usually my mum always left me alone after I came home from the therapist, because there was no need for her to check on me when a professional already had, at least that’s what I tried it to explain with, her thoughts were hard to understand.

I locked my room, I wasn’t supposed to, but I felt like doing so, so I did, looking at my phone and finding a message from Harry, he never wrote any texts, only spoke onto my mailbox, which was weird, but I never thought about it, probably because he was so bad at writing.

"Hi, Niall, are you home yet? Call me back okay, because, well… just call me. And this time for real, okay, or I’ll come to your house and ask your mum to marry me and trust me, she will." Idiot, I sighed, lying on the floor, but still calling him back anyway, I got a bad feeling that he would do something if I ignored him one more time.

"Hi, how was it? Did you talk bad about me again?" That’s how Harry answered the phone, I was pretty glad that he had no shy talking about it like my mum did, always trying to avoid all those words.

"Of course, why else would I go there? Buy anyway, what’s up?" Biting on my thumbnail, I realized how my mind wandered and it stopped at the thought of Liam, how he had helped me when Harry and Lora were getting on my nerves and how he told be to be… careful. I really kinda started to like him, even though we had only met a day ago and I didn’t want that to happen, I was scared, scared he’d get me to open up and then suddenly deciding that he wanted to tell everyone about it and make my life even worse than before. I was probably better off just treating him like everyone else.

"Nothing, really, I was just bored and actually I wanted to talk to you about the party. You REALLY need to come. This is gonna be great, I promise, okay?" I didn’t want to, really not.

"But, I-"

"No but’s anymore, you’re coming and that’s it." Well, maybe he could push me around, but really, if I had to go there, I should at least try to get Liam out of this.

"I’ll think about it but Harry… I kinda… well …" How to get this out right now? "I don’t want you to get Liam involved in this."

There was quite some silence between us then, Harry sounded like he wanted to say something, but decided to wait until he finally spoke to me again. “You don’t know him, Niall. There’s some pretty bad rumors about him, not quite sure if you heard, but really, why do you care for him all of a sudden? You never really were the guy to baby the outsiders.” Because I was one as well.

"I’m not babying him, I… god, just don’t give him drugs or make him all drunk if he really shows up, okay? Please?" Because I was afraid I couldn’t really do anything even though I most likely would be forced to come as well, but I couldn’t watch it all, and anyway, none of these guys gave a fuck about my opinion.

"Fine, I’ll try. But talking about the Payne’s, if you wanna hit on Lora, we need to go there even though you… well, can’t you wear wristbands or so?" Nice, that totally made me feel good.

"No, I can’t and I also don’t wanna hit on her, okay?" Wristbands… that’s a good idea.

Harry moaned, as if my happiness was all he really wanted, I’m not quite sure what he promised himself to get out of me dating Liam’s sister.

"Why not? She’s really pretty and funny and-"

"Then go get her, but leave me out of this, okay? My mum just called me, I need to hang up, bye."

"Bye." Harry sounded pretty mad, he even hung up first, even though I already had my finger over the button. Hm, he’d get over it, hopefully.

Since my mum of course hadn’t called me, I kept on lying around on the floor, letting the phone drop on my chest and just thought, about nothing at all.

Well, actually I did, I nearly laughed about the thought of only wearing something to swim in, the stares I’d get, Lora’s disgusted face, that would at least convince her that I wasn’t as great as she thought, Harry’s eyes going even wider than last night in the car, and Liam of course, actually I couldn’t know what he would think or say, because this guy was a mystery to me. Thinking about it, he was just as concerned about hiding like I was, we were pretty similar, but still, that would not help either of us.

Anyway, there was no way I’d show up at this house again, especially not to hit on Liam’s sister, I’d probably never ever would go there again and maybe in a few weeks or so neither talk to any of the Payne’s again, so fuck it.


	2. Chapter 2

"Aren’t you hot?" Gosh, if someone asked me that one more time, I’d snap, seriously, I was dying out here.

"No." I wouldn’t even care enough to look at one of Harry’s friends who actually made an afford to talk to me, which was complete bullshit, I was busy scanning all the faces outside, but I didn’t find Liam, hopefully everything was okay.

It was friday already, I hadn’t made any progress so far, Harry still begged me every five seconds to come to his stupid party, and Liam and me… well, I still didn’t know anything about him. We only talked during our periods together, and we would sit next to each other, yes.

When I walked into class on wednesday, I actually found him in the last row, next to my usual seat, that made me smile, inside, but we never said a word about that, somehow came to the silent agreement to always sit there now.

I think he had figured me out better than the other way, because at some point he HAD to realize that I for sure wasn’t one of the “cool” kids, unpopular, not a victim of bullying but still not important or worth being part of conversations.

But still, it was better than before when we hadn’t known each other, I didn’t feel so alone anymore, even though I had talked myself into believing that I liked it that way, but I only had had Harry, whom I had to share with the whole school.

But now there was Liam, and he never talked to anyone, except me, only normal topics, questions about homework and stuff, but still, well, and of course he also talked to his sister.

Which brought us to the next problem, Lora.

Somehow, I don’t really know why, but she avoided me, even though I still caught her staring at me, which made her blush and quickly get away as far as possible.

Maybe that was mean for me to think, but I liked it better than her desperate tries to make her catch my attention.

The sun got so hot at some point that I just got up with a quick “I forgot some of my homework” in Harry’s direction, getting back inside, where it was nice and cool, but the danger was too high, I couldn’t only run around in a normal shirt like everyone else, of course, what if someone actually forgot his homework?

The halls were pretty empty, almost scary, but everyone was outside because of the “nice” weather. Yeah, really nice. That would hopefully become easier in winter, I couldn’t wait.

So I suddenly got the really brilliant idea to lock myself into a toilet and take my stupid sweater off, but on my way there, it was a long way, because I walked damn slow in order to not get hot again, I met some kids my age.

First, I just wanted to pass them by, you know, how outsiders always do, walking as far away as the walls would allow, head down, staring at your feet, but I looked up because they were laughing and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t about me. But it was.

"Hey, wait a second, Horan." They knew my name?

Very alarmed and careful, I slowed down a bit, trying to recognize one of the three faces or their names or any information, but I felt my heartbeat rise and the usual anxiety come back, so I didn’t remember anything, they were like strangers to me.

"Why so alone, where is your friend Payne?" Oh no, I think I finally knew who had sent me that letter…

I just shrugged, trying to keep it together, looking like I didn’t care, even though I was scared as shit, because they managed to stand around me, leaving me no way out, the lockers behind me pressing against my bag, when I reminded myself to not back away from them, what could they do?

Except for beating the shit out of me.

I swallowed hard.

"Aww, you don’t know? What’s the matter, forgot how to talk? Well, that’s not really a miracle thinking about how you could only talk to yourself during the day." They laughed, of course, there was just too much about me to find funny.

"I need to go." So I tried to go past one of them, making my way back out to Harry, but that was enough to make them rage.

"I don’t think you are." With that, he pushed me back against the locker, holding me there with his arm way too close to my throat. "I told you to stay away from the freak, didn’t I? I was nice enough to warn you, but you little fucker found it funny. Let’s see if you find that funny as well."

It was just because I had seen it coming, because that’s what I had been afraid of the whole time, so I was prepared and able to duck away from his fist about to hit my face, so he hit the locker instead, which made him swear at me, one of the other two held me when I tried to get away, shit, now I was really fucked.

"Oh, nice one, Horan. But that doesn’t help you, I’ll get you anyway and Harry is not here, because he has better things to do than waste his time with you!" Before he was able to punch me, I had my eyes pressed shut, waiting for the pain, but it hurt way more than expected as is fist hit my lip, tearing it open, I tasted blood and felt kinda dizzy. He for sure would hit me a second time, I considered begging, but suddenly heard a way too familiar voice which made everyone’s heads turn in shock, we all had thought we were alone.

"Get the fuck off of him." Liam’s voice still was calm, he didn’t even look at me, but I stared at him, kinda embarrassed now. There was nothing left of the boy standing in front of the class, blushing, not getting a word out, he suddenly looked like he was able to rip their heads off.

They noticed that, too, slowly letting go of me, eyes never off Liam. Well, two of them were impressed, but the one who had punched me still seemed pretty upset and ready to wrestle someone down, or kill them. Or kill us both.

But Liam was better at dealing with situations like this, while I just stood there, hand pressed over my mouth, trying to forget the bleeding, he smiled, it was an evil smile, one you would never expect to see on him.

"You want to fight? No problem, you know, there’s a reason they threw me out of my last school." What?

Not only that guy suddenly became unsure, but also me. Liam had been thrown out of his school for… bullying? Or fighting other kids? I couldn’t believe that, no. Impossible.

"I’ll get you. Both of you. Just wait!" With that, they turned to leave, but before, grabbing the bag from my shivering hand and emptying it on the ground, then storming off.

As soon as they were gone, Liam’s face got worried and somehow… scared? What was the matter with him?

"Shit, Niall, are you okay?" Before I even knew what was happening he had taken my hand away from my face, expecting the wound himself. "I think he could’ve hit harder. Does it hurt very bad?"

I shook my head, studying his face, before just blurting out the question. “Did you often get into fights at your last school?”

He laughed, nervously. “No, never. I just played this, was I that convincing?” Then he got down on his knees, collecting some of my stuff, which woke me up from my thoughts, remembering all the things I carried in my bag.

"I got this, thanks." Quickly shoving some of the bottles of pills into my bag before he found them, so far he had only taken the books.

But Liam was nice and of course didn’t stop helping me and there still was another bottle that I hadn’t seen, which he picked up, confusion on his face.

You know, there’s this bottles with some weird names on them, and I could’ve just said that was because I had had a cold, but of course, it were my antidepressants, and that was printed on them so big, no way he could oversee this.

"Thanks." I said again, taking it out of his hand, getting up again, my heart beating faster than before when the guys’ fist had been inches away from my face.

"Is… really everything okay?" Liam looked at my lip, but there was sure something else on his mind.

"Yeah, you did a good job." I tried to smile, but it hurt, so I grimaced with pain, pressing my hand over the wound in order to not get it on my clothes. Fuck, mum would kill me, no worse, send me into the hospital, lock me into the house, whatever, maybe everything mentioned.

Surprisingly, he didn’t ask about what he had just seen, only stared at me for a bit longer before deciding to not make me feel more uncomfortable.

"Well, I’m sorry. That was the guy that…you know. He hates you now too, obviously. Because of me." The hallway slowly was filling up with people again, it was the end of the break, so we automatically started walking again, lowering our voices, which was totally unnecessary, no one noticed us anyway.

"No, that’s not because of you, I’m quite a good victim for things like that, I guess." Which was true, even though nothing like that had happened before, not so violently. Maybe because people respected Harry. "But I don’t think they’ll try again, even I was scared of you for a moment."

Liam laughed, this time he sounded really amused. “Don’t be, I just thought if people spread rumors about me being thrown out of school because I killed someone, I could take advantage of that.” So that were the bad things said about him that Harry had mentioned, good, now no one would be mean to him ever again once people knew that he had threatened someone to beat them up.

"You don’t look like a killer to me." Which was stupid to say, I probably also didn’t look like a guy who had to shove antidepressants into himself to not freak out.

"I’m not and I also wasn’t thrown out." With that we both stopped talking, because he suddenly seemed to be deep in thought and I, well I was in pain and I tried to imagine what else could’ve happened at his school, but I didn’t ask because he also hadn’t asked me about the pills. That was the problem with us both being so closed up, no questions, no explanations.

"That’s my next class." Liam suddenly said, pointing to the door with his thumb, I nodded, somehow not wanting to go to mine all alone, which made me mad. I shouldn’t be getting dependent on this guy.

"Okay, see you in maths." I was up and about to go, telling myself that it would be good to be by myself again, but he quickly held my wrist, stopping me. It took all my self control to not jump at his grip, no one had touched me there in a long time, but actually I was surprised, it didn’t even hurt.

"Wait a second, you’ve got blood on your chin." So he handed me a tissue over, smiling a bit before walking into class, leaving me hanging there, people passing me by, no one even looked up, even though I was bleeding. Nice to know that if you needed help, no one was there. Well, I had known that before.

"Niall, what happened to your face?" Harry was in shock when I accidentally walked into him because I hadn’t been paying attention to anything other than wondering about Liam.

"I…err…tripped." Wow, it was so bad that I started to lie to my best friend who knew everything about me.

"Guys, I’ll come a bit late, don’t wait." He said to his friends, they just shrugged, leaving us alone, his face immediately got strict. "Don’t lie to me. Who was it?"

"I don’t know him, but I’m fine, okay?" I couldn’t hold back a sigh, it was embarrassing enough already that Liam knew about this, but now also Harry.

"No you’re not, have you even looked into a mirror? You can’t go home like that." As he brought it up, I realized that he was right, mum would think I had done this to myself, no chance to get to Harry’s party or out of the house ever again.

"But I have no choice." Usually I always started biting on my bottom lip, so when I automatically started to do that now too, it hurt really much.

"Don’t worry, I’ve got an idea." Harry patted my shoulder quickly. "I’ll meet you after school, okay? At your car. And you better think about who punched your face because I wanna smash his."

Before I could answer or worry, he had already disappeared between all these people, leaving me both worried and proud to have a friend like him.

 

"Do I still look scary?" I whispered to Liam as he sat down next to me, staring at me with a worried expression, but after I had asked my question, his face got more normal again, maybe forced by him.

"No, it’s better. Here, I got you this." To say I was surprised didn’t quite explain what I felt when he handed me over a cold pack, a light smile on his lips.

"Oh, thanks." That really knocked me off track, how come he was so nice to me. "How’d you get it?"

"From the nurse, I said I hurt my wrist." Obviously, he was really proud of himself, while I just let this run through my mind, cooling my lip, thinking about how the doctor’s room was a five minute walk away and how we only had a seven minute break, or how things had turned around. Didn’t this all start with me telling Liam to not let himself get knocked down by bullies?

In fact, this was so extraordinary, that he had remembered me during all these hours and thought of something like this, that my throat got tight from what he had done, I wasn’t used to people being like this, shit, why was I so emotional, those damn pills.

So I tried to sniff really quiet, earning a look from Liam who had raised his eyebrows, but just shook my head, again starting to draw on my map, there wasn’t even much space anymore that wasn’t filled with useless lines I would always start doing when I was nervous, a bad habit, my mum used to freak out about it when I was younger, but now she couldn’t have cared less about THOSE kinda lines.

We wouldn’t talk any more then, because the teacher came in and made us shut up, luckily he didn’t point out my lip, probably because he didn’t care, but then he made us find a partner, which usually meant either working alone or with someone who couldn’t be more pissed off to be with me.

Everyone suddenly talked and stuff, but I stayed quiet, not wanting to force Liam to anything, but we were the only ones to remain anyway.

"So, uh… you wanna be my partner?" Very relieved that he had said it, I just nodded, still not trusting my voice, and moved a bit closer.

"You’re pretty good at maths." He would suddenly say after we had worked for a few minutes, I hadn’t even noticed that this was meant to be a challenge, just kept on writing everything down like I knew it by heart.

"I hate maths." Which was true, it reminded me too much of my holidays, that was just sad. "But you’re not bad yourself." Looking over to see that our solutions were the same while everyone else in the room was still stuck with the first problem. Ha, eventually this was the only thing they’d envy me for.

Liam grimaced, about to say something, but he would just shake his head then, probably deciding that I shouldn’t know.

"So… do you plan on going to Harry’s party?" Somehow I wished he would say yes, I could just follow him around and make sure no one did him any harm, however, it would be better for him to stay at home, stay safe. Anyway, I shouldn’t even be interested into his answer at all.

"I don’t really want to." It clearly made him feel uncomfortable talking about that, he nervously moved on his chair, avoiding to look at me, it was probably because Harry was my best friend and he didn’t wanna say anything bad about him, but I didn’t really know what the problem was. "That’s just not my… thing, I guess." He shrugged, keeping on writing.

I was a bit jealous actually, he HAD a choice, he could just decide to not come, if I did that then Harry would be disappointed, even though he wouldn’t even talk to me that much at all, but I wouldn’t complain now, I was loyal.

"That’s okay, but if you do come then… be careful." My cheeks got a bit hot as I said that, but I felt better to warn him one more time before just letting him dig his own grave, he for sure wasn’t insensate, but Harry’s brother and his friends were.

"I’ll think about it." With that the topic was off the table, because I gave no answer, he didn’t seem to want to talk about it anyway.

Lora would probably make him go, or at least try to convince, however I wasn’t really sure about how close they were. Did she even know that her brother had troubles with these people? Or… oh my god, what if he knew that she had a crush on me? But how could he NOT know, Lora was a bit too obvious, even I would have noticed if I hadn’t already known about it. But considering that I hardly ever saw them alone, I didn’t think they knew each other’s secrets or stuff like that.

Honestly, that was none of my business, how could I know how it was like to have siblings, the only comparison I had were Harry and Zayn and I was pretty positive about that this was just wrong.

At the end of the period it turned out that we had been the best and that was stupid, because the teacher pointed it out, making everyone’s head turn to catch a sight at us, some surprised, others mad, but I think the main reason was my lip and the fact that it was strange that I suddenly had a partner who was not imaginary and that it was the boy who was said to be a murderer.

"So… maybe we’ll see us later…?" It was hard to resist the urge and not bite my lip, but we were already almost at my car, so I didn’t really know what to say and kinda got nervous all of a sudden. Oh man, why couldn’t I just be like always around people? Cold and showing no emotion.

Liam just nodded, thinking, then he smiled at me. “Maybe. Anyway, have a nice weekend.” He hadn’t really just said that, had he?

So I kinda froze, confused, but he had already started walking away and probably didn’t hear my “You too.”, no one could blame me though, because that had never happened before. My weekend wouldn’t be nice, so maybe that’s why words like these never left Harry’s mouth.

Trying to not think about it, I shook my head, getting into the car to wait there for Harry, meanwhile I could check my face and… oh no.

As I looked into my side mirror, I realized that the right side of my bottom lip was all purple and swollen up with some dried blood to make it even worse. I really couldn’t go home like this, even if I told the truth and my mum would believe me, she’d call the school and embarrass me once more in front of the teachers. Another reason why I always sat in the back, because most of them knew.

My mood was at a critical point when Harry finally decided to show up, dropping himself onto the passenger seat, cheerful mood like always when something like a party was about to happen.

"Hey, your lip looks better. What’s that?" As he pointed at what I was still holding, I saw the cold pack Liam had given me, but it was warm now and I didn’t know wether I should take it back or not, so I had decided to think about that on monday.

"A cold pack, Liam got it for me." The following silence was awkward, Harry raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t really say anything about it, maybe unsure about how to react, so that was why I wasn’t sure if he really meant what he said then.

"Did he kill the nurse to get it?" I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, I usually didn’t care about rumors, but my best friend did, if he wasn’t the one to spread them in the first place.

"No, he didn’t, he was just being nice. Let’s not talk about that, I have bigger problems, my mum for example." Actually I should really defend Liam now and say that he wasn’t that kinda guy, but then again, what if Harry ran off and told everyone what I had just said and then people would know that he wasn’t a bad guy who got thrown out of school and… god, why was this so complicated?!

"Tell her you stay at my house over night and you will not come home now because we need to work on a project for school and Zayn will… help us. She thinks he is really clever, right? So that should work." I wasn’t so convinced even though he really made it sound easy, but…well, I’d have to try anyway. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized that this meant that I was being forced to come to his party now, but I’d survive it. At least at a higher chance than if I’d go home now.

"Hi mum." It was really hard to make your voice sound like you are having the time of your life while it actually hurt to speak, because you were just beaten up.

"Did anything happen? Where are you?" Okay, mission failed, I’d never bother to sound happy again.

"Calm down, I’m fine. I’m in the car with Harry and NO I am not driving right now." Harry held back a laugh at this, I slapped his arm while my mum seemed to relax a bit. I mean it was not relaxing and we all knew that, but considering that she never was calm, this was good.

"So why’d you call me, school’s over, isn’t it?" As if she didn’t know my time table by heart, god. I leaned back, closing my eyes in desperation.

"Because I want to ask you if I could go to Harry’s house now. And stay over night." Probably it would have been better to wait before dropping the bomb and risk an hour of getting yelled at for asking something like being away from home for more than 24 hours.

"Over night?" She asked, as if she had overheard something, or as if I was losing my mind.

"Yeah, we need to do this project for school and Zayn wants to help us, but he only has time today so…please?" I’d beg, I swear, I really wouldn’t be able to go home now after I had said that everything was fine.

"What kinda project is that?" Living with her had made me a professional at making up things.

"About writing, and he is an author, so… please say yes mum. I know I should’ve asked you earlier, but we only found out about this today." Hopefully she wouldn’t wanna talk to Zayn, that’d be fun.

"Wait a second, honey." I rolled my eyes over at Harry, he smiled at me, pitiful. "He wants to stay over night at Harry’s house…" Obviously my dad was at home as well, good, he’d say yes for sure, but if he would also convince my mum, I didn’t know. So they lowered their voices, but when my mum spoke to me again, I knew he had. "Okay, let me speak to Harry."

I handed the phone over to him, he already held his hand open for it, as if he had expected this, but honestly, this wasn’t really hard to guess.

"Hi Mrs. Horan." He was so much better at this than me, I relaxed. "Yeah, he’ll be fine, he’s always welcome at home, Zayn likes him a lot…." What a lie, I doubt he knew my name. "Mhmm… yeah, okay….sure thing. Okay, goodbye and have a nice day." Then he suddenly smirked really weird. "Yeah , of course I’ll send Niall to bed at nine." WHAT? Before I got to get upset, he was already laughing, giving me my phone back, I should be mad for this stupid joke, but I wasn’t because I was so damn relieved that this wasn’t reality. Yet. "Calm down, she’s already hung up before. Okay, let’s go home and see if Louis is already there."

Harry got really excited now, fluttered like a child, while babbling about the party the whole time we were in the car, I wasn’t even allowed to turn on the radio or I could miss out on something of his brilliant, totally planned out and breathtaking ideas. I didn’t say anything, but I was pretty sure none of this things would actually happen, he wouldn’t song with two girls at the same but just be drunk and high or both and then tell everyone just things he made up, like always.

When we arrived, I somehow was relieved that Louis’ car wasn’t there, Harry seemed to be disappointed, but only for a moment.

"I’m home!" Harry just screamed into the flat, it wasn’t cleaned, but I didn’t mind because I only knew it that way. You didn’t have to feel sorry when you accidentally dropped something, so that was good, it would either lie there till forever or the cat, that didn’t even have a name, would pick it up. It was actually a miracle that it still lived, because I don’t really think that Zayn actually would go and waste his money on cat food or so, he didn’t even buy toilet paper most of the time.

Of course there came no answer, we would’ve been surprised if there would’ve, so neither I nor Harry took off our shoes, just walked into the dirty mess called a flat, until we reached the living room where Zayn was sitting on the couch, smoking something. Something, because you never knew.

"I said hi." Harry told him as we stopped in front of him, he barely looked up from the TV.

"Yeah, I know." He looked at his younger brother as if he was confused, then his eyes would go over to me. "Do I know you?" It’s not like he cared, but he seemed to really think about it for a moment.

"Actually, yeah." I was a bit impressed by the way he looked like, because if you met him on the street, you wouldn’t expect him to have a home like this, more like a mansion or something. His hair was perfectly styled, his clothes as if he had just bought them, it was weird, thinking about that he was only nineteen years old and had his life messed up like this. Or maybe, not messed up, just like this, because actually he seemed pretty comfortable with what he had, not so much money, but it seemed to be enough for decent looking. Actually I think his clothes were worth more than mine and that meant something because my mum only allowed me to wear things with a name.

"That’s Niall." Zayn didn’t react, just seemed to get bored by what Harry had said. "My best friend?" He raised an eyebrow now, but that was it. "No? Nothing? Well, never mind."

So we both would drop on the couch as well, I felt a bit worried about what had happened on here or what was dropped, so I decided it was best not to think about it.

"When’s Louis coming?" Harry blurted out, of course, that was all that mattered to him, who else would go and buy him alcohol, not his bigger brother for sure, he wouldn’t even make it back home with one unopened bottle.

"Any minute. Listen, if any of these little fuckers touch anything in my room tonight, I’ll kick them out of here so hard they’ll never be able to walk again." Oh, how I enjoyed being with my best friends big brother who was a total normal guy, warm hearted, taking care of his brother like he was his son. Not.

"Don’t worry, it’ll be fine, just lock the door." Then he stretched out his hand, begging for a cigarette, but Zayn shook his head, crossing his legs on the table.

"Mum called today, she said if you get any damages because of smoking, I’ll have to pay for your funeral." BUT he was allowed to drink, yeah, that totally made sense. "Anyway that’s not why I’m saying no, but because you’re seventeen, go buy your own cigarettes. Oops, you have no money." That was one of the first times I actually saw him being amused.

Harry’s mood dropped, he rolled his eyes at me, as if he’d expect me to understand this, then sunk deeper into the couch, pissed now. Maybe it was good that I never had money either or he’d borrow it from me the whole time and never pay it back, and he also couldn’t ask my mum for some, because she thought he was an perfect little angel who would never bring anything bad for his body to his lips.

When the doorbell, it was more of a really annoying sound a duck would make, so no, it didn’t ring, but just happened, Harry got up, sparkling eyes again, but Zayn pushed him back down, about to open the door by himself.

That movement didn’t bring Harry down, his foot was going up and down, his dimples showing as he grinned at me excitedly, which I returned a bit forced. Was Louis really that great? I couldn’t remember, not even his face or anything.

"…yeah, just leave your stuff here, you can sleep on the couch." I must confess, I was a bit interested in how Louis would look at first, already imaging the worst, but as he came into the room, he fit in here as much as Zayn into my house.

Louis looked… well okay he looked dolled up if you wanna put it that way, nothing like Zayn who was more like trying to look cool, I think Louis was someone who actually read fashion magazines. Yeah, I could imagine him doing that very well.

"Thanks, man." He patted Zayn’s shoulder, then turning over and smiling at Harry a bit. "You actually don’t look as stupid as Zayn told me on the phone." Harry’s grin got bigger while I watched the whole scene, not sure what to think of this all.

"He does, I told him he looks like a girl with those curls, but obviously they are all lesbians in his school or something." Zayn muttered while walking off, maybe getting some more joints in here.

"Actually, your brother is wrong, you look fine." Louis smiled, maybe he was really nice or maybe he was high, then him and Harry quickly hugged each other, joking a bit more, while I was still sitting there, non existent, that didn’t surprise me in any way, that’s what happened every day.

"And who’s that?" I suddenly heard, so I decided to stand up, just because, so I’d have something to do.

"That’s Niall. His mum is insane so he has to stay over night to be able to come to my party." Harry was all hyper and excited, so I didn’t get mad at him for talking like that, anyway, Louis wouldn’t run off and tell her, so whatever.

"Hi, Niall." Did we actually shake hands right now? "What happened to your lip?" Louis looked a bit worried, but I shrugged it off, didn’t expect him to care about that.

"Got in a fight." Because I have no friends at school, except for Harry who only cares about going off and spending hundreds of dollars right now.

 

So that’s what we did, only not hundreds of dollars, none of them had so much money of course, even though Zayn came along and agreed to pay something as well, but I think he just got it for himself and would later lock himself in with it or so.

During the time I spent with them, I started to kinda understand why Harry was so obsessed with Louis. Because he actually made an afford to talk to him and joke around, just being a friend, something Zayn wasn’t.

That’s why I didn’t feel bad about only following them around, because I granted Harry that, I felt happy for him to have someone caring about him when his family just shoved him off somewhere else. I really hoped Louis would stay with them longer, even though I’d hardly hear anything from my best friend then in a while.

It carried on to be like this after we got back and it wasn’t time for people to show up yet. I just would sit somewhere and play on my phone, while Harry and Louis played video games and Zayn smoked about twenty packages.

Somehow this was weird, but I kept calm at the thought of Liam showing up, I wanted him to come here right now, really bad, and that was wrong, I couldn’t trust him, didn’t know anything about him. But then again, did it even matter? As long as he was nice and we got along, I should be happy with that and stop worrying, the problem was, I just couldn’t, I expected him to just ignore me one day, coming into class and just sitting somewhere else again, that’s what I secretly prepared myself for. That was why I didn’t like getting so close to people and why Harry was the only one I fully trusted, because I just couldn’t handle disappointments, so I never risked anything at all and just isolated myself at school. However, Liam had something about him that had broken some of my walls down, which was bad, I had worked hard to build them up and then the new kid out of all people suddenly turned out to be somehow similar to me. So maybe… maybe he was worried as well?

My head started to hurt from all these thinking, I was actually glad when Harry’s closest friends showed up, even though that meant loud music, which wouldn’t help me to get better but at least would force me to shut my mind down.

Turned out Louis got along with everyone, even though he was older than most of the people invited, but he just seemed to fit in, unlike me and Zayn.

Zayn was too grown up and I was too tight up, but unlike me he could just go away, into his room or something, or maybe even out of the flat if he wanted to.

For the first hour, all I said was sorry to someone for bumping into them and spilling his drink on the floor, he didn’t notice and no one wiped it away, so my only words were unnecessary.

Harry’s place wasn’t that big, so it seemed to be filled up in no time, but people just kept coming until no one bothered to close the door anymore.

There was no sign of Liam and as I saw Lora coming in with her friends, I lost all hope, quickly making sure she wouldn’t see me. Well, that kinda sucked, but at least nothing would happen to him now, I think I had already seen someone getting out the marijuana, but what did I know right. I wasn’t even allowed to drink anything at all, because my pills didn’t work with alcohol, funny, I know, and Harry knew about this as well.

Speaking of him, he had disappeared with a least three girls into his room within the first three hours, the thought of that was funny because his bed wasn’t even big enough for himself.

When it was like eleven o clock, all I had done until then was sometimes deciding to sit somewhere else or avoiding people I hated, Lora finally managed to find me, good job girl.

"Niall!" She threw her arms around my neck from behind, but I quickly made sure this wouldn’t escalate and stepped back, turning around so we wouldn’t touch anymore.

Her hair was a bit messed up, so was her make up, but I surprisingly noticed that she had a smaller cutout than at school, not that I looked for something like that, but Harry made sure to point it out every single time.

"Hey, how’s it going?" I actually had to clear my throat now from not talking for so long, and rising my voice because there were people talking everywhere and the music made my ears ringing, not a nice feeling, especially if you hated every song that was played.

"Good now, since I found you." She smiled too big, had to lean against the wall in order to stand straight. "Niall, you know what I wanted to ask you." The way she was playing with her hair and the faces she’d pull made it even more obvious how much glasses she must’ve emptied by now.

"What?" I asked, looking around, maybe she wouldn’t notice if I just walked away or so.

"Do you even like me at all, because I like you. A lot." Then she’d come closer suddenly, still smiling, I even smelled the alcohol, or maybe she had smoked something, I wasn’t really an expert for that.

"You’re drunk." Was all I said, making sure to keep her an arm length away, which she noticed, because her face froze.

"And you’re not." The smile was gone now, she actually looked disappointed, I hoped she wouldn’t start crying, so I tried to make it alright again.

"Look, this guy over there, he’s been staring at you ever since we started talking." I was just desperately trying to get rid of her, okay? But I couldn’t just be rude, even if I wanted to, it was impossible for me to be honest with her if I knew how much this would hurt.

Lora looked over at him, but immediately back at me again. “So what?”

"Maybe you should go and-"

"Who’s that?" She suddenly asked, more to herself than to me, but I followed the direction she was looking in, and suddenly didn’t understand the world anymore, because her jaw was dropped and there was no interest in me anywhere anymore, as she looked at none other than Zayn coming in the flat again, he must’ve left some time ago.

"Zayn, Harry’s brother." I explained automatically, even though I think that this has been some kind of rhetorical question, Lora Payne didn’t really seem to care about names if it came to older boys who looked perfect in every possible way even if their home was more gross than a public toilet. Which it was also used as I think, that guy over there, I didn’t really know what he was doing with those plants.

"Let’s… talk later okay?" Then she left me alone, making her way through the people, right to Zayn. Okay. Cool. That made me feel really pathetic, now SHE had polished ME off, not that I wasn’t happy that she was gone, but now I felt kinda bad, because she was only sixteen and flirting with a drug addict like there was no tomorrow.

Zayn must’ve drunk something too, because he actually seemed to love taking up with her, so basically, she ended up on his lap and damn, I’ve never heard her laughing so loud.

Maybe this meant I wasn’t interesting anymore? Oh god, I hoped so, anyway, now I’d always have something as an argument, this pretty much worked for everything Harry could say about her and all I’d answer would be “But Harry, she hooked up with Zayn.”. Enough to make him shut up since he always told me about the “sluts” his brother kept around himself.

Apart from that, nothing good happened anymore and I got really sick and tired of being a part in this escalated mess. People in my school already were very hard to tolerate, but seeing them all like this wasn’t even fun anymore, it would’ve been if I was in a position to tease them with their embarrassing behavior later, but I wasn’t, so it kinda just was nerve wrecking to constantly turn down joints and drinks and whatnot.

But what really made everything unbearable was Harry finally deciding to leave his private bedroom party and join his friends again, screaming around that everyone should just get naked, that was when I decided to leave the room.

It turned out to even be a challenge to get away from these people outside the flat, it was a miracle no one had called the police yet, that was mostly because of Zayn I guess, I think when people saw him coming out of his door they’d expect him to be some kind of terrorist. Maybe he was.

I just was kinda glad to get down to the street without slipping because of someone throwing up all over the stairway, maybe it even was Louis, not quite sure about that.

Luckily, that’s where I finally was alone, so I sat down on the stairs burying my face in my hands for a second, trying to forget what I had just seen. I felt kinda bad though, I should’ve at least tried to stop Harry or something like that, but then again, he was unpredictable when he was drunk, so there would’ve been the possibility of him spoiling some of my secrets, so better not risk anything.

Something positive about my current situation was that I didn’t get cold, not even after not moving for a long time and staring at cars passing by, because I wasn’t able to take off my hoodie. Eventually I should get used to this because it was likely that I’d have to spend the night out here before I could go home again, my lip by the way, was pulsing very uncomfortable, mum would kill me anyway, maybe I could sneak into the house… no, there was still my car as a possible sleeping place.

But one of the cars driving by suddenly stopped, so I looked up and my eyes got wide at who got out, I wasn’t even quite sure if I was happy or not.

"What are you doing here?" As Liam came closer, very critical expression on his face as he probably heard the music from upstairs, I just was so shocked and surprised that I couldn’t help but almost sound rude.

His face however just turned out to show his confusion when he spotted me. “What are YOU doing here?” Was all I got, well and red cheeks, because now there obviously was no doubt anymore about my popularity at school.

"Escaping the terror." I quickly pointed into the direction of the door, still curious about why he had decided to show up now.

"I’m here to look after my little sister." Liam answered my question as well now, but he didn’t really seem excited about this, just stood there, sometimes looking down at me and then at the building again.

"I don’t think you want to go up and do that right now." The last thing I’ve seen from her before I managed to slip out the door was her hair, but then Zayn locked the bathroom, so unfortunately, that was all the information I had.

"What happened?" Liam sighed quite heavily, then he let himself drop next to me, both of us not knowing how to deal with the situation of having someone we cared about messing up their lives a few steps away.

"Let’s just say Harry’s brother and her get along very well." A even more desperate sigh from my left.

"I knew this would happen." He muttered, to himself I guess. Well at least his reaction would mean that maybe there still was a chance of him not being aware of the fact that Lora liked me. Or had liked me.

"I’d tell you to get her out of this, but in the end you’d just come back alone and with a more messed up face than mine." I was staring at my feet, still feeling bad and sick to my stomach when thinking about all that or imaging Liam fighting with Zayn.

"Guess I’ll trust you on that one. Is it really that bad?" When he pointed somewhere behind us, I knew we weren’t talking about Lora anymore, so I nodded.

"Worse, I’ll never get those pictures out of my head again." While saying that I had closed my eyes, trying to prevent myself from the upcoming headache.

Liam didn’t give an answer for a few minutes, then he suddenly acted very much not like himself by actually wanting to know something about me. “Don’t get mad, but why are you even still here?”

I guess sitting here and behaving like that pretty much set me out to be asked things like that, so of course I didn’t get upset or anything.

"I told my mum I’d stay at Harry’s house." Even though this sounded pretty normal and even was the truth, I got kinda nervous now, knowing that that wouldn’t satisfy him or explain anything, so I opened my eyes again, checking if he bought it. He didn’t.

"But you have a car and obviously you are not drunk or anything." I knew what he was trying to say anyway, so I quickly looked away, thinking about telling him that I WANTED to stay here, but this would obviously be a big lie and somehow I didn’t want him to think of me as a liar.

"I… I can’t go home tonight." Luckily, my shaking voice turned him back into himself again, not asking any more. That’s why we got along I guess, because we both knew when to stop and change the topic.

"Does it make me a bad brother if I don’t go and drag her out by her hair?" I kinda got scared, because it sounded like he was about to leave again. "But she’d only scream at me and tell me I’m embarrassing her, so…" It was nice of him to tell something that made him uncomfortable as well now, evening it out.

"No, I think she should be old enough to know what she does." Part of me knew this was wrong, but on the other hand I really tried to keep him from having to go there and seeing all the people who probably were naked by now.

Liam thought about it, then he nodded, relieved somehow, he even brought himself to smile a little bit, but very much to my displeasure, he got up. “You’re right.” He suddenly said, turning to face me again, but this time he suddenly looked even more nervous than he had when standing in front of the class, days ago. “Well… you said you can’t go home… does that mean you HAVE to stay at Harry’s house?”

"What do you mean?" That didn’t make sense, where else could I stay, honestly.

"Well…" Liam bit his bottom lip, I envied him for being able to do that. "I mean would it be okay if you stayed at my house instead?" My jaw dropped.

Wait, wait. Had he just asked me to sleep at his house? Why would he do that? But most of all, why did this sound like a good idea to me?

"What?" Was all I brought out, not sounding very clever while staring at him, making the whole situation even more awkward, but that finally made him sigh and look at me again.

"Okay, I understand if you don’t want to, but I just thought it would be better than having the choice between sitting here the whole night or sleeping next to a bunch of passed out people." He shrugged, making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but it was to me.

Actually I didn’t give an answer for some time, because I had to quickly over think this. Of course, we still didn’t know each other and all that, but I really started to like him and he seemed to just wanting to be nice, he somehow seemed to care and didn’t just leave me alone here, something Harry did all the time, and my best friend also wouldn’t even notice that I was gone.

So, my therapists’ words came back into my mind and all the people telling me I should find myself some friends, so maybe that was why I was about to agree and accept his offer.

"But… but it’s really late and stuff, won’t your parents mind if you just bring someone home? And anyway, I don’t wanna bother you or your family and-" Liam cut me off, his face had gotten less nervous after my first sentence, as if he was happy that he would have to put up with me now.

"No, that’s fine. My parents are gone for the whole weekend, how do you think Lora got the permission to come here?" He laughed at this, and I think I understood why he came here. Because he was the one who had allowed her to go to the party and his parents didn’t even know, so he had started to feel bad and decided to check if everything was okay. Hm, if I had known this I would’ve made sure she and Zayn never met, but it was too late for that .

"But my car…" Okay now I was being silly.

"I’ll bring you back tomorrow, no problem, you also drove me, remember?" Yeah I did, a little bit too good actually. Liam’s face had gotten softer now, he seemed to find this all very normal and made me run out of arguments.

"Is this really okay?" I couldn’t help but to ask, I just wanted to be sure, I didn’t know how to behave and that made me really insecure.

"Yeah, come on." When he gestured me to follow him, it slowly sunk in that I’d actually spend more than just the normal two hours with Liam Payne and despite all my agreements with myself, I’d even see his house again.

 

I held onto my bag that I hadn’t left out of sight the whole night, I really couldn’t need anyone of those people find my pills and emptying them, while Liam drove us to his place. There was nothing coming to my mind that wasn’t stupid, so I didn’t talk and he seemed to have the same problem, but the silence didn’t get as uncomfortable as expected, I felt a lot better now by just having only him by my side, actually I preferred this to being alone and that was rare.

"I hate that damn car." Liam suddenly muttered to himself as he seemed to have some trouble. That’s when I realized that it was the same car he and Lora had arrived at the cinema on monday, so that meant it was hers.

"How’s you sister gonna get home then?" I wondered if he had stolen it.

"I doubt she actually will come home." He shrugged at my confused face. "I’m not someone to give orders and my parents will only come back sunday night." Oh wow, I wished my parents would be gone for that long, it would be like heaven, not hearing words like honey and baby for two whole days, but I didn’t tell him that of course.

But then I started to really think about his words and wondered if that meant that he would be all alone, well except for his dog of course. I mean, that’s something I wished for ever since my life got like this, but Liam somehow looked a bit sad while he had said that, so I started to feel bad for him again. He was all alone at school, because I didn’t count, I wasn’t good company at ALL, and at home. I at least had Harry. Sometimes. If he wasn’t dead by now. Wow, now I felt really miserable.

"Niall… can I ask you something?" Liam’s eyes wouldn’t leave the road as I looked at the side of his face, surprised.

"Yeah, what?" Normally I didn’t like questions and that hadn’t changed but I got curious.

"When I saw you sitting on the stairs before, I knew that I would’ve done the exact same thing and that’s why I had decided not to come in the first place. You didn’t seem like you had had fun at all, so why did you actually go?" I turned my head, staring outside the window into the darkness, hating myself for agreeing to be asked something.

"Harry’s my best friend." That was the easiest explanation, but when I thought about that, Harry and me didn’t seem like best friends at all and no one would get those words into his mind when seeing us if I wouldn’t always point it out.

"But you were down there all alone…" I knew what he was trying to say, but how could I ever make Liam understand what Harry had done for me? There was no way I could ever repay him for sticking with me through this all, and anyway, he was my only friend.

I could’ve just ignored Liam, but I got sad because he had made me think about all these things, shoving it into my face that maybe I thought that we were best friends but that it wasn’t traceable for other people why I would think that. And I realized that he was right and understood why he was confused, and I answered with the truth once more, because he had saved me tonight.

"He’s all I got, I can’t dare to lose him as a friend." Of course, this made me very vulnerable, but not compared to everything else, anyway, this still made me tear up a bit, I was not looking away from the window.

Liam noticed that something was wrong, that he had just hit a very sensitive spot. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” It really sounded guilty, but he had no reason to be, this was my own fault, I should’ve just kept my damn mouth shut. I’d never confess anything about myself ever again.

"No, it’s okay, don’t worry." Quietly, I tried to catch my breath, so I’d be able to look at him again, showing him that it really was okay. Our eyes met for a second, then I stared at my hands again and Liam at the road.

It was weird actually, besides the fact that I had just embarrassed myself to the bones, that Liam had suddenly started to ask questions, I mean I understood why, but why did he struggle so much before bringing them out? Other people would just bomb you and try to even get the last bit out of you, Harry for example, but Liam was just always aware of what was appropriate to ask and what not. For example the thing with the pills, there was never even one word said about it. And anyway, he for sure wasn’t looking for something to tell the whole world, it was more like he was actually interested in finding out more about me.

So I decided I could ask him something as well, I never did that, but I had to confess, I wanted to get to know him better as well, he was still a mystery to me.

"Can I ask something, too?" That actually made him relax a bit, maybe because he still felt bad about exposing me, so he would be glad if I did the same to him. But that would require that he cared about my feelings and I doubted that.

"Just go ahead." He threw a smile at me, almost begging.

"Why did Lora and your dad move here before you and your mum did?" You’d think that was a normal question, but ever since I had first heard that, I had known that there was something up with it, the way Lora’s face got frustrated and how she told me that she had missed her brother.

I saw that I was right when Liam suddenly didn’t seem very excited about it anymore, but he didn’t back out.

"Well… because I… I didn’t wanna leave." Of course not, considering how stupid the people here were.

"So I guess your school was a lot better than this." I thought that I was right, but then Liam started to laugh all of a sudden and I was very surprised as he disagreed.

"No, it was worse. At least the last two years." How could it be worse, honestly? And why hadn’t he been excited about moving away then? "But that’s why I didn’t wanna leave, I thought I could make it alright and work this out, well… I was wrong." Liam chewed around on his lip again, I wasn’t really sure if he was aware of the fact that I was listening, he seemed to be lost in thoughts now.

"What happened?" I whispered, not wanting to annoy him, but he answered me without hesitation.

"The same that happened to you today, just not so bad, but nearly every day. That’s why I was so mad when they did that to you." Even though the words came out smooth, I saw that it still bothered him, so I stayed quiet.

For a while I watched Liam’s profile, not being able to imagine why anyone would ever dare to touch him. I mean, I knew why people were talking about him at this school, because of his first day impression, but secretly, people were scared of him, no one knew anything about him, except me, but they didn’t know anything about me neither, so. It’s a miracle Lora had so many friends and was integrated so much better than her brother.

Anyway, I didn’t wanna ask anymore, that was enough for now, everyone had said a little bit more than we had planned to, we were like just swapping information and I wasn’t quite sure if I liked that he had made me talk. But it calmed me to know that I obviously wasn’t the only one new to this, Liam’s facial expressions spoke for him.

Shortly after that we came to his house and it wasn’t so hard anymore to push the conversation we just had had into the back of my mind.

"Hey, buddy, have you missed me?" All the frustration and confusion were wiped off Liam’s face when his dog jumped up, trying to lick his face, he seemed happier than ever while I still felt weird about being in here again.

But then Hunter would come over to me too, again acting like I lived here as well, so I felt a bit not so self-conscious anymore.

"Okay, I’d show you the house, but…" Then Liam suddenly stopped talking, looking at me when he shrugged. "Actually, I will show you the house."

So I got a tour of the ground floor at twelve thirty a.m. with a dog following us around, tail wagging, and Liam asking me at least fifty times if I wanted anything to eat, I don’t know why, maybe it was because he wanted something, but since I always said no, none of us ended up with food,

It was nice, how Liam got more confident every time we were at his house and started to actually live up, that had a nice effect on me and let me forget about the fact that the whole situation was just impossibly ridiculous.

"…and there we are again. I know, boring, right?" He’d smile at me a bit before making his way to the stairs.

"No, it’s nice." I wished my family had a house like this and not the same only ten times bigger and so clean that you could almost see your reflection in the floor.

Liam’s laugh sounded funny, as if he thought that I had made this up, but I couldn’t tell him the truth anyway.

While going to the first floor, Hunter squeezed himself past me, nearly making me slip, but Liam was fast enough to hold my arm, which caused my heart to make an uncomfortable jump, this always happened when someone touched me there, accidentally or on purpose. Luckily he didn’t notice it, probably too nervous because we came to his room shortly after that.

"That’s Lora’s room, if you wanna see pink for the rest of your life, just go ahead and look, but I’d recommend not to." Passing it by, I spotted a lot of stuffed animals, but it was dark and I followed Liam’s advice, I somehow was scared she’d find out about me stalking her room, it was awkward enough that I knew her house. I wondered if Liam had told her about the last time.

"Well… and that’s my room." Hunter was already lying on the bed, waiting for someone to come and pat him.

It was a normal room, he had no reason to be embarrassed about it or anything, so I didn’t understand his nervousness first, but then I thought about how I’d feel in his situation and was actually surprised at how well he handled it, after all, I was just the guy who he sat next to in school.

Liam didn’t leave me enough time to actually say anything, but just hurried to overcome this moment.

"Hmm… I’d offer you to sleep in Lora’s room, but I don’t think you want to. You can have the couch here… or the one in the living room if you’re scared about what I might do when you’re asleep." This was supposed to be a joke, but Liam’s laugh got stuck in his throat, so he quickly started to make himself appear busy.

There was no way I’d sleep alone in his living room, I was too anxious about his parents coming back earlier or anything like that.

"No that’s fine, I think if you are planning on mugging me it would be too late anyway." There, I even tried to smile in order to break the tension.

But Liam just nodded, looking at me for a bit too long while he seemed to think about something which made me feel uncomfortable, I didn’t like people staring at me, they could notice something was up, or maybe I had my sleeve rolled up without noticing or worse.

"Okay. Good. If you wanna go get a shower the bathroom’s next door. But… you probably have nothing to sleep in…" So he had actually thought about that before I had, well shit. Now I remembered again why there were so many things that spoke against staying at someone else’s house over night, especially when I hadn’t thought of taking clothes with me that covered up. Cool, I needed to sleep in a sweater, yay.

"That’s fine, I’ll leave those on." I mean, that was pretty weird for a guy to say right, usually everyone would go ‘Oh, I’ll sleep in my shirt’ or ‘Oh, I’m gonna sleep half naked, no problem’, but if I did that, I could as well offer him some pills worse than antidepressant.

"Are you sure? I can borrow you something." I wanted to complain, but he had already walked over to his closet, searching through his stuff that was about to fall out because he obviously didn’t bother about keeping it clean and his mum probably didn’t hire a cleaning woman to do that like mine had. The organization of my clothes almost got scary at some point, even Harry didn’t have the right words to tease me about it anymore.

"Don’t bother, please, I get cold too easy anyway so I can as well leave my sweater on." When actually the truth was that I didn’t even know what being cold felt like.

Liam ignored me, just checked my face before keeping up the search, I was afraid he’d make me wear a sleeveless shirt, actually I didn’t even know why I didn’t just stop him and insist on leaving my clothes on, he couldn’t rip them off of me, right? But I had no arguments and he was just so nice that I didn’t dare to.

Then he made me jump with a proud and too loud “Perfect!”, his face was happy as he turned back to me, handing me over something. “Sorry, everything else was already dirty but I swear, those are washed and probably better than something you wore for the whole day and while being with those silly people.” Before I was able to thank him or check what he had given me, he was already busy again, this time with the couch, throwing off the blanket with the animal hair on it. “Okay, I hope you don’t mind, but Hunter usually sleeps on here so he probably will squeeze himself next to you or sleep on top of you, the meaning ‘no space’ doesn’t quite seem to get through to him.” Liam laughed, he really was like someone else when we were at his home, and I got even more self-conscious.

"That’s okay, Harry’s cat sleeps on me as well." Only because I was the only one paying attention to her, Harry would always comment it with a both grossed out and uncomprehending face when I would let her curl up on my lap and actually touch her.

I got a smile, which calmed me a bit, I still hadn’t looked at the clothes yet, too scared that I’d have to think about something to turn them down.

"You can change in the bathroom. Or shower first. Or do whatever, okay. Here, catch." He threw a towel at me out of nowhere, but I managed to grab hold of it before it hit me in the face, that would’ve made me reach a whole new level on the awkwardness scale.

Actually, it couldn’t be bad to have a shower right now, so I agreed. Liam let me go alone, he said I wouldn’t even be able to not find the bathroom, which turned out to be right and I locked myself in, relieved for a second now.

Okay, everything was fine, I just needed to calm down.

The mirror here was crazy, it showed every single flaw you had, that may sounded like I was a girl, but I didn’t mean like red spots in my face or things like that, I meant other parts of my body when I stood there, staring at myself and the whole damage hit me at once when I only had boxers on.

My lip looked kinda black now, probably because I had never washed the blood off, so it may would look better if it came in touch with water or so. Hopefully, or else I needed to come up with a really, really good explanation. ‘I fell down’ usually made my mum think it was a code for ‘I broke all my promises and hurt myself, scream at me please’, which she would do then, three hours in a row, before she started crying while me and my dad just sat there, not even trying to follow the floss of words.

Before I threw up, I quickly turned away and swallowed some pills, just in case, then getting into the shower, enjoying how it made me relax to get that whole disgusting feeling from the party off and the things I’ve probably sat in and the vomit I touched without noticing.

But then, I finally had to face the truth and risk a look at Liam’s clothes with a tight knot in my stomach.

Today seemed to be my lucky day, he had given me a shirt with long sleeves, thank god, I nearly got euphoric at that and how I wouldn’t have to make him upset by telling him that despite the fact that he let me stay her, I didn’t wanna borrow anything from him that he had bothered to search for.

Okay, telling him that I froze a lot had made him give me sweatpants as well, so that was good, even though I didn’t really need to have long pants too, I had organized everything so much that I would at least be able to wear shorts in summer. Anyway, I just put it all on, didn’t wanna be rude and actually, my clothes really would be disgusting to sleep in.

It felt weird to go back to his room with his clothes on, but I tried to calm myself with thinking about that Harry had borrowed me clothes as well and that hadn’t felt wrong at all, so whatever, this was totally normal, no need for my heart feeling like it was doing it’s last beats.

"They fit." Was all Liam said, still smiling, he was lying on his bed now, but sat back up when I came in. The black shirt and the training shorts he had put on meanwhile I had been away, dealing with his mirror, actually made him look even more like he hit the gym all the time, which I had never dared to ask and probably never would. "Could you lock the door, please?" A bit confused, I followed his request. My face probably made him feel the need to explain himself. "I’m not trying to kill you, but my sisters’ friends have a tendency to get the best ideas when they are drunk. Not that I expect them to find here in a condition like that, but you never know." So he shrugged, I wondered what they had done to him in the past, but just nodded, not having enough confidence to talk now.

Liam would wait till I reached the couch, where he had put a blanket and a pillow that looked a lot like someone had been a pokemon fan when they were young, but then he asked me if he could turn off the lights before I could really find it amusing.

"Sure." I just said, this was his home, I don’t think I was in the position to give any order, so that kinda surprised me.

For a while, I just lied there, on Liam Payne’s couch and probably in his childhood bedclothes, trying to figure out if this was something to get worried about.

On one hand, my therapist would probably throw her arms around me when I told her, but on the other hand, mum would freak out like shit if she’d ever find out. I mean, not just that that would mean I had lied to her, she would also come up with the idea that I was dumping Harry as a friend and leaving him alone and no, that can’t happen to her little angel.

I got mad at myself for having thoughts like that, as if I was jealous about how much she liked Harry and as if I was blaming him. That was not true, this was not his fault, everything was my own fault, I was just a dumb idiot who couldn’t keep himself together and hurt everyone around me. Not long and I’d also make Liam’s life a living hell, I-

"You know, if you can’t fall asleep, you can go downstairs and watch TV or… wake me up or so, okay?" Liam interrupted the self torture in my head, his voice already sounding heavy and as if he was about to drift off, so I tried to be quiet as I answered him.

"Thanks…a lot." I had added the last part because right now it seemed like a dream that someone would actually put up with me, voluntarily I mean.

"No problem." He murmured into his pillow and turned, making it seem like he was asleep when I listened to his breath, very relieved that he didn’t snore like Harry, but then Hunter suddenly got down from the bed and jumped onto me full speed.

"Ow." There was a quiet chuckle from my right so no, Liam wasn’t asleep already and neither was his dog, trying to get comfortable with this stranger on his bed. But then he finally decided it was okay and wouldn’t move anymore, I nearly fell off, but it made me feel better to have Hunter’s warm body pressed against mine and I was able to shut the voices in my head down telling me Liam was too nice for me and I should stay away from him in the future.


	3. Chapter 3

"Get off, Hunter. No, stop it, stop licking his face what is the matter with you." Yeah, that was exactly how I was woken up, a wet tongue on my check and Liam, putting very much afford into keeping his voice low, but I heard him anyway.

Surprisingly, I had had a good night, no dreams or any other incidents, just being fast asleep.

So I sat up, even though my head felt kinda dizzy, and rubbed my eyes, trying to coordinate myself and to assure myself that last night had actually been real. But yeah, I still was in Liam’s room and he was there too, so no imaginations.

"Sorry, I tried to let you sleep, but Hunter was against that." Liam laughed, but his face was a bit flushed, he was making sure not to meet my eyes, anyway, he would sit down next to me.

"Don’t worry, that’s okay. How late is it?" I was looking around in his room, trying to find a clock or so, but I didn’t so I had to ask.

"Hmm… ten thirty I guess. I don’t think Harry or anyone else over there is awake, so it’s fine." It didn’t sound like he was in a rush or wanted to get rid of me, or else he wouldn’t have said that, right? "I’m starving." He suddenly blurted out, maybe I had been right yesterday and he really wanted to eat something but I had prevented him from that with my annoying presence.

"Get yourself some food?" I made it sound like a question, because I didn’t really know how to respond to that, certainly not with "Me too".

"Good idea, let’s go get some breakfast." Since he made a gesture in my direction to follow him, I did, hoping really bad that no one was home yet, it was very embarrassing already. Liam must’ve thought that I imagined that friendship with Harry and that my parents were crazy. The last part wasn’t far from the truth, though.

"Come on, let’s go get some food." Every time he talked with his dog, he seemed to not care about what he was saying, no sign of being insecure or anything, which made me kinda jealous, why did no one think of getting me an animal, I was said to be rated mentally incompetent.

"Do you want… okay, we have nothing else." Liam searched through the kitchen, his back towards me, while I was awkwardly standing in the middle of the room and played with my sleeves, not knowing how to act now, or if I was supposed to say something or leave or whatever, it was nerve wrecking. "You… you can also sit down, you know." He smiled at me, not so confident anymore as he had gotten yesterday, but still feeling better in his skin than I did, so I just nodded, shaking a bit, which he hopefully missed out on.

Breakfast on the weekend at my home was different, my mum forced us to always sit together and only eat healthy, stuff like that. As if she was desperately trying to turn us into a TV family, or maybe make us appear like one when we all knew that I had forever destroyed our chances to be one. I mean, she’s been like that all my life, but now it only got worse, part of her tried to block out what has happened, which only made her try harder to at least make me look like the perfect child as soon as I stepped out of that door.

Here it seemed that Liam was allowed to do anything, we only had cereals to eat and that was fine, his family just disappeared for a few days and his sister didn’t even need to come home, the dog was fed off the table, and THAT clearly seemed more normal than the show we put on at home.

"Does your lip still hurt?" Liam suddenly asked me and I looked up from my spoon, staring into his worried eyes, which made him turn pink a bit, so I did as well.

"No, it’s kinda numb. Is it very visible?" I remembered that I had forgotten to check it after showering, seeing if it had gotten any better or if I needed to lie.

"It’s definitely better than yesterday, but it’s still there." He didn’t understand why I sighed, of course, no one would bother that much about how it looked, more about why it had happened but I couldn’t care less, they could hit me all they wanted if it just didn’t leave any kind of bruises.

"Great." I murmured to myself, not looking at Liam anymore, actually I hadn’t wanted him to hear me, but I was just so upset.

"Aren’t your parents allowed to see?" The cereal nearly got stuck in my throat when he came up with that, how could he know? How could he be so damn right without me saying anything about my family? His face turned a deep red when I stared at him in shock, still not getting what I had done or said to be so obvious all of a sudden.

But at least I very quickly managed to get myself together again, swallowed hard, but I kept my face pretty clear from my worries even though I didn’t say anything, so Liam was the one to start again, letting milk drop from his spoon and never looking away from it.

"Sorry." He muttered, then shook his head. "It’s just… I wouldn’t want mine to see." So I thought about that, maybe this wasn’t me being obvious, more him knowing what he was talking about, which was calming in some way.

"No, you’re right, actually. I don’t want to tell the truth." No need mentioning what actually went on at my house.

"What if you’re gonna lie?" Liam relaxed a bit, probably because I didn’t get mad at him for suggesting theories about my life, but maybe he could help me out, if things like this have happened to him, he would know how to deal with them, too.

"No one’s gonna believe me." I’ve done that too often, my parents knew I wasn’t innocent and most of all they knew I’d do anything to appear like everything was just fine, that’s how that hot mess even started, with me sucking it all in. It wasn’t right to discuss this with anyone, but it felt nice that he didn’t really know how serious this was.

"And if Harry says that he’s seen you falling down?" That would’ve been a good idea, but Harry probably had the biggest hangover ever in his life, shit, I should’ve made him go home with me yesterday, then I also wouldn’t have those scary memories of the party spooking around in my mind.

"I think bringing him to my parents looking like this would even be worse." I laughed a bit forced. "But anyway, it doesn’t matter, it’ll work out. Somehow."

Yeah, I did think of asking Liam to come and cover up for me, but I didn’t know how this would work out, I hadn’t invited anyone else home in so long, how could I know if my mum kept her mouth shut or what she would do? Maybe she’d be happy and leave us alone, but there was a great chance that she would try and squeeze every tiny bit about his life out of him and I didn’t wanna put him through this, I couldn’t ask him for another favor this size.

"Lora could help you putting make up over it, but I think she’s passed out somewhere." He didn’t seem too worried about that, just kept on eating.

"I don’t think coming home with make up on is a better idea." Then my mum would probably think I was gay now, a new reason to send me to another therapist.

"Maybe you’re right." Liam smiled at me, in a better mood now than before, so I returned it, trying to not be so nervous anymore, this was fine. At least that’s what I was trying to assure myself with.

 

Everything else went very normal while I still was at Liam’s house, we somehow managed to not get into odd situations anymore, but the best thing was, we actually did have normal conversations after that and I found myself not being bored about it or wishing I was alone instead, so maybe I was making some progress, who knew.

When he dropped me off at Harry’s flat, he somehow started to feel bad because of Lora again, so we ended up standing there while he couldn’t decide on what to do now.

"What if I just go in and look for her?" I didn’t want him to go in, just because I was afraid that Lora wasn’t in the best position to be found by her bigger brother and of his reaction to this. But also because I felt guilty as well now.

"I…don’t think you should do that, no." If he went in there, I’d have to go as well.

Liam groaned, frustrated now and started to walk around a bit, before he came back to me. “Okay, I don’t care now, I shouldn’t have let her go there in the first place, I’m getting her out if she’s there.” Well, that didn’t seem like he would listen to me if I’d try to talk him out of it, so I agreed to go with him, well actually I just came along, biting on my thumbnail now because my lip wasn’t available as an option any longer.

To my surprise, it wasn’t THAT bad, if you overlooked the fact that the door wasn’t even closed or anything. I mean, there were people lying on the floor, but they were all sleeping, which kinda made sense, no one who was right in their mind would stay in this place any longer than necessary, I didn’t even want to know what else had happened after I had left.

Liam’s eyes got wide though, I think it was a good idea that he had stayed home, I kinda was used to this by now, you expect that when you have friends like Harry, but he was about to freak out.

"Okay, let’s just quickly check and get out again." A bit worried about his face, I tried to make it seem like I didn’t mind doing this, but I actually did, I was scared to look around the corners or open doors.

Since there was no sign of Lora and Liam was somewhere else, I quickly went into Harry’s room, just to check if he was okay.

My throat tightened as I reached for the door handle, already making myself responsible for his death, but then I was even more happy about seeing him being asleep in his bed, he seemed pretty exhausted, but he even had pants on and he was alone, very rare.

I don’t exactly remember when, but I decided to go over to him.

"Harry." I whispered, shaking his shoulder a bit, he slashed at my hand, murmuring in his sleep. "Harry, I’ll go now, okay?" So that was the moment when I made a promise to myself that unless Liam would say anything, I’d make sure everyone, including my best friend, thought that I had stayed here the whole night.

"Okay. Bye, Niall." The fact that he still remembered my name was good, I would always be able to remind him of this conversation if he confronted me about not being here anymore after midnight.

I closed the door quietly behind me, making my way through the flat to find Liam again, hoping he had found his sister, but I was disappointed because he was alone.

"No luck?" He asked me, so I shook my head and his mood dropped.

"Have you looked in there?" I regret pointing at Zayn’s room, because I had never been in there before, he always locked it when he left.

Liam didn’t leave me time to stop him or give any explanations, just went with it, and it would be a lie to say I wasn’t curious, so I used his braveness as he just walked in.

Harry’s bed was a joke compared to this one, well every other room was. Now I knew how Zayn managed to survive in a flat messed up like this, by making sure his room was so clean that even my mum would be impressed. Okay, no, but she would maybe crack a smile.

The only bad part about this was, Lora actually really was in here. Lucky us she was fully dressed even though sleeping on the bed, as alone as Harry and looking like she had gotten even more wasted than him, she was a freaking mess.

"Thank god." Liam whispered to himself and walked over, getting down on his knees, shaking his sister softly.

While he did that I made sure Zayn wasn’t hiding anywhere, I hate to admit that, but when I was younger I wouldn’t want to visit Harry because of him, I would even start crying before going to bed because I thought he was some kinda demon with all the tattoos and dark hair. Those memories suddenly lived up again, I was pretty paranoid going back to Liam.

"Lora, wake up, come on." She just moaned, turning around so now she wasn’t facing us anymore but lying on her back.

"Zayn?" Liam and me looked at each other a bit worried at the sound of this and how hopeful her voice sounded.

"No, it’s me, Liam, your brother." That sounded a lot stricter than before, I think he was kinda mad at her, but I was thankful, it was a good idea that he didn’t mention me being here too, as if we had agreed on keeping this a secret.

Then something really unexpected happened, because Lora somehow started crying, she was still kinda asleep, but she was talking more normal now, reaching out for her brother. Liam’s face softened immediately at this, that was when I finally found out something about their behavior towards each other, they really got along I guess, but I didn’t think they were opening up to each other so much, because Liam was coming off as really protective right now, not like he would bother her with any of his problems or his daily life and she just needed him as someone to comfort her, but not as someone to keep her secrets. So maybe I could both keep the “I was at your house twice” thing away from her and the “Dude, your sister was flirting with me for a whole year” thing away from him.

"I wanna go home." She cried, turning around again and wrapping her arms around his neck, nuzzling into his shoulder.

"It’s all good, we’re about to go." Liam just lifted her up in his arms as if she weighed nothing at all, okay, she was really skinny, but anyway, I didn’t think I could’ve been able to make it seem so smooth.

"He just pissed off, Liam, he just made me all drunk and then pissed off!" Lora wouldn’t shut up while we went back down again, I was afraid she would wake someone up, but obviously anyone who was still here didn’t have a good chance at waking up at all.

"Don’t cry, okay? It’s fine now, go back to sleep." Okay, this girl definitely was lucky to have a brother like this, I think she could even murder someone and he’d still get there to pick her up and even wipe the blood off of her knife. Just kidding, okay.

"I hate him." Then she’d start bawling again, she still seemed to be pretty drunk, which made Liam throw a helpless glance at me, I think I really seemed like the right place to go to with a friend like Harry, but right now I also didn’t know what to do, she was a girl and I had no experience with that. I usually just slapped Harry in the face when he was drunk so, better not suggest Liam to copy that method, instead I looked back just as confused.

When we finally reached the car, I opened the door for him to lie her down on the backseat, which he gratefully did, talking her into going back to sleep once again, I think he succeeded at some point, because I couldn’t hear anyone swearing about Zayn anymore.

"Oh my god, never gonna let her go to a party again." Liam breathed out heavily, then he looked over at me, somehow he seemed a bit as if he was blushing, I didn’t exactly know why, maybe because he hadn’t wanted me to see his sister like that or maybe because he didn’t know what to say now. I didn’t either, so my cheeks got hot as well again.

"You should probably take her home now, before she wakes up again." He nodded, a bit lost in thought and was about to turn away, but I still had something to say that I couldn’t just miss out on. "Thank you for… you know." I made a gesture with my hand, not knowing how to summarize it, because I still was confused and not very well aware of it.

"No problem." Liam smiled and it seemed real, but he didn’t get his face to be free of worries and embarrassment. "See you on monday, then?"

"Sure." I quickly raised my hand before walking off to my car, feeling kinda sick while thinking about what I was supposed to say now to my mum, who still thought I had been working on a project.

Everything that had happened before the party yesterday seemed to be so far away that I actually had to drive for a little bit longer and didn’t go straight home. My head needed to be clear for this, I really had to actually stare into the mirror and tell myself over and over again that I needed to focus now, but it didn’t help, I wished I could go to my therapist today, but there was no way I could show up without my mum being called, so definitely not an option.

There was no one I could’ve talked about it all, usually Harry was always the first one I’d call, but I would never be able to tell him about last night, and that was just for his own good okay, he shouldn’t think of me as a bad friend running off and leaving him just because I had to do something for him that I didn’t like. How often had he done things like that? Way too often during the holidays, as said, I owed him too much and I knew this was wrong, but now I felt that he could ask me for anything and I’d do it just because of that.

I kinda even missed having Liam around, it just being me and him, because he was such an easy person to be with, but there was this one thing mugging me in the back of my head, telling me that I couldn’t know who he really was and that he would never speak a word to me again if he found out the truth about me.

And still, despite this all, I felt that we actually had more connections and similarities than Harry and me would ever have and that scared me to a point where I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore.

 

"Mum, I’m home." I had decided to not try and hide my face, remembering that if I actually would’ve just fallen down, I wouldn’t try to either.

"Hi, honey, did you get your project done? How was it? Are you okay?" All these questions, and she wasn’t even facing me yet, but I heard her coming closer, it was like torture every time her heels clacked on the floor, louder every time than before until she finally stood there, smiling, but worried, as usual. I wished my dad was here, but I didn’t let anything other show on my face than a reflection of her smile.

There were still chances she wouldn’t notice.

"Good, everything’s fine, you know, Zayn really helped us and stuff." In order to get to my room I would need to go past her, which meant, getting closer.

At first her eyes just got a bit smaller, I felt her stare on me, eyes never off, then she literally turned into a whole different person.

"What happened to your lip, Niall?" Now she sounded strict, her mouth becoming a harsh line as she pulled me closer, expecting the bruise. There was no chance for me to explain anything and prevent her from freaking out. "Oh my god, I thought you finally were getting better!" Her voice was so high, it literally hurt my ears, so I pulled away and quickly took a step back.

"Mum, calm down, okay. I just fell down, I even have forgotten about it until you brought it up right now." I was fighting not to yell back at her, because the problem with a house this size was that you could actually hear the echo’s of your voice, that kinda added some dramatic affect every time my mum lost it.

"Don’t you dare lying to me!" There was no way she would be still, now she even started walking around, murmuring to her self, things like "What have I done wrong" and "That stupid therapist, a waste of fucking money" were the most harmless things here.

"I am not lying, please believe me, mum, I beg you." It was a miracle how calm I kept at this, even though I was fighting hard inside myself, but I think I was just getting numb to her craziness.

"How do you expect me to believe you? I trusted you sixteen years and you just messed it up, okay? So tell me the damn truth now, or you’ll never get to set a foot outside this house again, I’ll make sure you get home schooled!" Okay, this was really taking overhand now, she’s never threatened me like that before.

"This is the truth, I tripped." Into someone else’s fist.

But my mum wouldn’t even give an answer anymore, she wasn’t stopping walking around and murmuring things to herself, sometimes screaming things around and then nearly starting to cry, I felt kinda helpless.

"Mum, please, just listen to me."

She ignored me.

"Mum!"

Really, no one could blame me for yelling now, but I finally had enough, so I walked up to where she performed her stupid little walk of “My son is a brat”, and made sure there was no way she’d overhear me.

"I tripped and if you don’t fucking believe then I don’t care okay? If you really think I’m fucking stupid enough to go ahead and hurt myself in my freaking face where everyone at school can see it, or where my therapist looks at right I go through the door, then you are stupid and not me! I haven’t done ANYTHING in such a long time, I’m trying my hardest I can, I swallow these pills without complaining, I do everything you want! Why can’t you understand that it’s difficult for me as well? For the millionth time, I am sorry I’ve done this to you, I’m trying to fix this, but I’m not gonna listen to this any longer now, because I’ve done nothing wrong this time and I know it!" There had been days where I would give speeches like that in the beginning, but I had learned to shut my mouth and follow her orders during the progress, so she was shocked of course, not only her.

I was a bit disappointed in myself actually, that I hadn’t managed to keep it together, waited till the storm passed by, only I had been afraid that she would really do all those things to me this time and this would’ve destroyed my life.

After that, I made sure to head to my room and lock the door, not wanting her to see me cry, that would’ve made things worse and probably confirm her suspicion of me being out of control again.

I was scared that actually exactly that would happen, so I curled up in my bed, burying my face into the pillow, trying to not make one sound, because minutes after me rushing off she was already knocking on my door.

"Niall, let me in." Wow, she wasn’t screaming anymore. "Niall!" Kidding.

"Leave me alone!" I yelled back, but only because if I didn’t say anything she’d think I had done something to myself and probably take a saw and find a way to get into my room.

"We need to talk about this now!" She should talk about it with whomever she wanted, just not me, not this time.

So I ignored her, to teach her that it felt stupid when someone did that to you and put on my headphones, turning the volume high enough so her yells were hardly there anymore, only in between some parts of the song, but that was okay, I could make them fade out, had had enough practice for it.

It wasn’t really hard to spend the day without coming out of my room again, because I even had an own bathroom, so I think I would’ve survived in there for a lot longer.

After I had wasted about an hour of senseless crying and hating everything in my life, I finally decided to pull myself together again and actually took a shower and stuff, it was cool not having to wear a shirt for a few hours.

Since I was all alone, my mum somehow didn’t come and check on me again and I also didn’t hear her roaming past my door and stalking me like she had done in the past, I had time to over think my situation.

The first thing that bothered me was Liam of course, and what he had done for me, I really didn’t know why. I mean I had offered him to drive him home on the first day we’ve met, but he had just taken me to his house, making me stay over night.

Why would you do that?

Maybe he pitied me, the fact that I clearly had no one at school except for Harry, who didn’t give a fuck whether I was having fun at his party or sat outside alone, yeah, that probably was the reason, he couldn’t know that I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, I was pretty good off on my own.

When I had seen how Liam acted towards his drunk sister, I had already realized that he wasn’t a very judgmental person, maybe he would’ve offered anyone to sleep in his room and this hadn’t even anything to do with me or that we always sat together. Maybe this was his attitude, didn’t mean that he liked me, because why would he?

So, I decided that I wouldn’t take this too seriously, I would just act like before on monday and continue that way the whole following year, trying to forget, there was just too much to lose, I didn’t want to talk myself into something that clearly was an illusion.

Liam Payne and me were just school mates and nothing more and it would always stay that way, I just had too much to lose, so I agreed with myself to not even begin and try, that would only lead to disappointments I wasn’t equipped to deal with.

From now on, only sitting next to him, sometimes talking about ordinary things and watching out that no one made him feel like shit or beat him up like me.

Second, Harry.

I saw his name popping up on my phone screen, but I just stared while lying in bed, not even thinking about answering.

Later, I got a bit curious and decided to listen to the message he had left me, like he always did.

"Niall, why aren’t you picking up? Anyway, you are so lucky to not be able to drink, I’m telling you." At this point he took a break, moaning around and obviously moving in his bed. His voice sounded as if… well, you could hear him and the fact that he had a hangover pretty well, couldn’t help but to roll my eyes at this, even though I was happy that he was okay. "Okay, actually I have no reason to call, but I just woke up and wanted to hear from you that you are glad you came, but … you can still call me and thank me later, okay? Bye." Then the message stopped and I wasn’t quite sure what I felt after I had heard it.

There were no questions about how it had gone with my mum, only a too confident and arrogant Harry trying to make me say that the worst night in my life had been the best thing ever and that I needed to thank him for that. Yeah, he wanted me to THANK him, how crazy was that?

For a while I just sat there, not being able to believe that he would treat me like this, but I managed to get over it by telling myself that it was just because he had probably drunk his brain away last night, I could forgive him, I just wouldn’t call him back.

On one hand because I really saw no reason to thank him and on the other because I didn’t have the heart to lie to him like that, so I would hope for the best and just wait and do nothing at all, my speciality.

And then there was my lip of course and my mum downstairs probably signing me off from my school right now, if she’d do that, then all my other problems would just disappear, yeah maybe she should. It would be better for them all to not have me in their lives anymore, I was just trouble, a walking disaster. Causing Harry worries, forcing Liam to waste his gas on me and everyone else to see my stupid face and having to try not to vomit.

Those thoughts caused me some extra pills in order to calm down and not go completely crazy and jump out of my window or so. That would’ve been fun, especially if I survived.

"Niall, can I come in, please?" It was a surprise to hear my dad’s voice now, was it really late enough for him to be home from work already? Or did my mum beg him to come because she wasn’t able to deal with her freak of a son. Nope, I had really been in here for almost seven hours.

"Are you alone?" I asked back, knowing that it would hurt my mum if he wasn’t, but there was no way this woman would get access to my room today again.

"Yeah." He sounded pretty calm, he always managed to keep it together, never freaked out or anything, so I grabbed the nearest thing with long sleeves and put it on.

Of course, my parents knew and had seen me without a shirt, but that didn’t mean that I would rub it into their faces. See, I really tried hard for them and yet I was forced to lock myself in, how was that even fair.

So I just unlocked the door, but went straight back to my bed, sitting down and watching my father getting inside, carefully trying not to stare at me.

"Close the door behind you, and lock it, please." I couldn’t need my mum to storm inside meanwhile we were talking and throwing in her dumb version of the whole story in which I was a self destroying monster.

He did what I wanted, without asking, so that was good, maybe he also wanted to hear what I had to stay instead of believing straight what he had heard.

"Let me have a look." For a second, his eyes got small, as he slightly touched my chin in order to get a better look and examine the bruise, but he quickly let go of me, almost about to laugh I think. "Okay, your mum really did overreact, but I also don’t believe your story." Oh great.

I sighed, lying back down, staring at him. “Dad, I swear-“

"That doesn’t mean I believe hers." His answer confused me, what was he trying to say?

"Just be honest, who did this? Not you, I know you are not stupid, but you don’t get a bruise like this if you fall down, sorry but that is not a really convincing explanation."

Was that a smile on his face? My family had lost it.

"Does it really matter what happened if you know it wasn’t me?" Couldn’t he just like… tell my mum that she should shut up and let it be?

"Yeah, it does. Got in a fight?" Now, he really seemed to find this amusing, maybe it was because he better liked the version of his son punching other people than facing who I really was.

"Kinda." I mean, I was using the chance okay? If he liked what had happened then maybe I could pull him onto my side, it would help me a lot. "Don’t tell mum, okay? I don’t want her to worry or call my school." Most of all I didn’t want her to interact with me, but I couldn’t say that out loud.

"Didn’t plan to, promised." My dad held out his hand and I took it quickly, not quite sure if I should like the happiness on his face, did he want me to become one of those bullies or what did I miss out on. "So what is the story, you tripped?" I nodded, lost in thought. "Okay, I’m gonna tell her that I believe you and talk her out of bringing it up again, okay? But next time, just come to me and say the actual truth, I don’t care if you fight with other kids, that’s better than never standing up for yourself." Cool, he had really gotten the wrong idea of this, so practically, I was lying to him as well, but somehow no, I wasn’t, he had come up with this all alone, I just didn’t correct him, that was a whole lot different. Who knew, maybe that was what he WANTED to be real, I wouldn’t destroy his dreams, okay, I was just being nice.

So in order to fit in with his weird story, I forced myself to smile as if I was relieved.

"Okay, thanks dad."

"No problem. Now, let’s go down, your mother is not gonna calm down until you eat something, come on." He softly slapped my knee before getting up, leaving the door open this time as he left.

For a while, I stared out of my room and into the hallway, trying to prepare myself for facing my mum again, but then I decided that I wouldn’t be done with that in a hundred years and finally brought myself to get up, pulling it together like I always did in the end.

 

It turned out to be a nightmare eating with my family, my mum was pissed at both me and my dad now, she wasn’t really as dumb as I had accused her of being so of course she understood that we were bonding at this point, but she finally believed that I hadn’t done it to myself.

Only now I seemed to be a thorn in her flesh because I was getting into their relationship or something like that, which meant I didn’t leave my room more often than maybe three times on sunday.

The crazy thing was that actually I kinda enjoyed how everyone ignored me, let me be on my own, that was both the worst and the best weekend ever.

Harry didn’t call again, I tried to talk to him, because I felt bad for ignoring him the next day, but he didn’t pick up which meant that he was out with his real friends, not needing me when they were available. I didn’t even get mad or sad at this anymore, this was kinda the whole basis of our friendship.

A few times I caught myself wondering about what Liam was doing with all his free time, but how could I not, I had nothing else to do, so I over thought a lot of things on sunday, no need to worry that my thoughts went off to him, okay.

So the good thing was, on monday morning, I felt more confident again, as if I had needed a break to think and was now more aware of what was happening, and I actually had plans on how to deal with things again, so that was good.

But the problem, I wasn’t able to make something out of it because I hadn’t slept like the whole night and was fucking tired. I even nearly crashed into a car when I drove to school, and then nearly killed Harry.

"Are you drunk or what?" He chuckled, good, that meant he wasn’t pissed that we hadn’t talked all weekend, must’ve been a nice time with his friends.

"No, just tired." I shrugged, locking my car and just walking straight to the building, so Harry had to hurry to catch up.

"Are you okay?" He sounded worried, but I didn’t care, because well, why would I.

"Sure. And you?" In order to keep up the happy facade, I smiled at him, listened to everything he blurted out then, about how much fun he had had and stuff, trying not to think about how improper this was right now and how I had been lying in bed listening to Justin Bieber.

As we walked into school, people were yelling Harry’s name, saying things about the party, making my hopes that it was forgotten disappear. Soon there was no need for me to be present anymore, because I was left out of the conversations, so after some time of listening and realizing that I didn’t fit in, I walked away without saying a word, letting my facial muscles relax as I didn’t have to fake a smile anymore.

There was no one in class when I got in because obviously everyone had friends and a life and didn’t just sit around like a pathetic loser to wait till the period started.

Okay, okay, I was again losing the fight against my bad thoughts, I needed to get back to the state I had been in at the first day of school, I had even been kinda happy to be here, maybe I really should appreciate it more.

While being bored to death, I stared at my iPod playlist, not finding anything I wanted to listen to and getting frustrated, so instead of that I would try and actually do my homework again even though it kinda had been the only thing I got done yesterday, I was such a nerd, but it made me busy looking when finally the “normal” people came in, among them was Liam of course. That shouldn’t mean that he wasn’t normal just that he kinda couldn’t be put in a group with them.

That was one of my problems, I put people into groups, the ones I trusted, the ones I needed to be happy and bubbly around and the ones I just didn’t care about.

Well, I hate to admit this now, but Liam was an extra group, I hadn’t decided yet where to put him in nor did it seem like that would happen anytime soon and it bothered me more than it should, because usually people I didn’t know went straight to the third one.

When he sat down next to me, it even felt kinda familiar by now, his face turned from the usual monday morning depression to stressed out as he looked over to what I was doing. Right now it was making sure there were no flaws anywhere on my homework, well my second one.

"Can I copy your homework? I know it was easy, but I totally forgot about it." He didn’t even blush when I stared at him, something I would’ve expected to happen, because he always did when he asked me anything. There, I was even starting to analyze his behavior, I was crazy.

"Just take this." So with those words I gave him the paper I had written yesterday, watching how Liam got really confused, looking from me to what I had handed him over and back, that made ME blush, okay that hadn’t been a good idea at all. "I was too early and got bored." Here came the lies again, I quickly stared at the guy’s hair in front of me.

"Oh. Thanks." He seemed so relieved that he didn’t waste any thoughts on this and just started to pack out his stuff, then sitting still for a few seconds, before he started to talk to me again. I was surprised he actually did, because I doubt that I had been looking very happy right now, I was fighting to keep my eyes open, slipping down on my chair a bit. "Did it work out… with your parents?"

Now I was wide awake, looking over to where Liam truly seemed to care. What? Why did he care and my best friend didn’t? Okay, no, why did HE care? I actually thought that he would forget right after I had left him alone with his drunk sister.

I assume I waited too long to answer, just staring at him mindlessly, because he got a bit uncomfortable, playing with his fingers.

When I noticed how weird I acted, I quickly cleared my throat, trying not to meet his eyes. “Actually… better than I had thought.”

Liam’s face was lit up by a smile, a tiny one, but it was there. “That’s great.” It was impossible to not get infected by the enthusiasm he carried in his voice, he seemed more excited about it than I was.

"Yeah." Thinking about it, it really was great, I should be happy that at least I was still allowed to got to school. So I tried to smile back, motivated to show him that I hadn’t forgotten neither. "How’s Lora been doing? Haven’t seen her today."

He looked away from me, but he didn’t seem offended or anything, so it was fine, I hoped. “Good, she slept like the whole day, I’m glad I… got her out of there.” Of course he was, who knew what would’ve happened if Zayn had gotten back from wherever he went, didn’t even wanna know, maybe it was better that Liam had never seen him or else he might have gotten an heart attack at his sister’s taste. Or maybe she was still crushing on me and tell him, then he would probably jump off a cliff instead.

I wanted to say something, but I didn’t really know what was okay and what not, so before I made a decision the teacher came in and made it for me.

The sudden recovery from my tiredness went away while things where said in front of the board so boring and useless, the words stopped making sense at all.

Since I couldn’t really do anything about it other than being here, I drifted off, sinking even deeper into my seat, barely realizing Liam throwing a side glance at me, when I decided it could be a good idea to close my eyes for one second. Or two.

"Niall, wake up, the period is over." This was the second time I was woken up by Liam’s voice, only this time it was much more embarrassing, not only because I jumped after a few seconds when I realized what was going on, but mostly because well…

The problem was that this room was really small, which meant the tables were kinda squeezed in with not much space between them, so you were like nearly touching your seat neighbor.

And that was exactly what had happened, my head had dropped against his arm, because me not really sitting anymore but more lying had caused me to be a lot smaller than him, so anyway, that’s what has happened and I’m not proud of that, to say my face was hot was not right. It was fucking burning like I had fever or so, I wished I had, because then I would’ve had an excuse to go home.

"Sorry." I just quickly managed to bring out before getting up so fast that I nearly knocked down the chair, while throwing my stuff into my backpack, just to do something and not think about how stupid I was, I realized that the room was empty except for us and the last people leaving.

But Liam didn’t take it seriously anyway, he even chuckled at me behaving like this before standing up as well.

"Don’t worry, no one noticed, not even the teacher. Even though you’ve been asleep for good fifteen minutes. Is my arm that comfortable?" I felt his kinda amused stare, but didn’t dare to look back, maybe he just wondered how I had managed to sleep in a position like this for so long, well he should tell me when he found out, because it was a mystery to me as well.

"Sorry." I just said again, I didn’t know what else to reply and my throat felt too tight, this was probably one of the most embarrassing situations I would get in this whole school year, I just wished it was over. But it could’ve been worse right? I mean it was weird enough that I still knew how his skin felt under my cheek, but just imagine I would’ve started drooling on his arm or so, oh my god.

"No problem, I would’ve woken you up if it had bothered me." Liam just shrugged while we walked out of the room together, actually I’d have to hurry up, but I didn’t think of anything like my next class anymore.

"I probably should sleep more." I muttered under my breath, trying not to trip now, that would’ve just taken the biscuit.

"Probably." Liam agreed, still chuckling quietly to himself, it was nice that I had entertained him and wiped away our blush causing conversation from earlier, but now I was literally dying inside.

"Umm… I need to go in here." I still wasn’t able to look into his face without it being like suicide, but when I turned, about to get away, he kinda stopped me by touching my shoulder. Nearly jumping at this, it still made me meet his eyes, he didn’t look like he was laughing about me, so I calmed a bit.

"Hey, don’t fall asleep in there, okay?" Liam joked, smiling a bit, so I decided I’d pull myself together and try to play along with it, not running away like a coward.

"Gonna wait till last period." There, this was even almost funny, at least I made him laugh. Kinda.

It was good now that I had so many hours ahead of me to get over this until I would see him again, hopefully awake the whole time then.

 

"Remember when this girl, I don’t even know who it was, just like took off her shirt and everyone could see that she wasn’t even wearing underwear or anything?!" Harry shouted things like those around, not giving a fuck if the girl mentioned heard him, just making sure everyone who hadn’t been invited got jealous, and damn, they really did, the whole school wanted to come to his parties. Wasn’t I lucky.

"Mhmm." I was just leaning against the wall, eyes half closed, it was hard to follow my own rules, but the rain against the window made it extra hard for me.

"… and I mean I can’t just walk away, I’m a man, I can’t control-" That’s where I shut down, leaving it up to his friends who actually had been there to agree with him or whatever. But he begged to differ.

"Niall? Are you even listening?" Why did I have to be the one who was forced to listen to this, I didn’t care about how often he got horny.

"Of course, that girl was hot, and then?" Asking questions was good, because he wouldn’t miss out on describing every single detail and I could just stare at him, making it seem like I was interested in this, when actually I didn’t even see him anymore, because my mind drifted off. God, I wished I was lying in my bed again, or even Liam’s arm would be enough right now, but there still were three hours to go and two till I saw him again and I didn’t really plan on recreating the scenario from earlier, even though I had pretty much managed to be cool with it, whatever, as long as no one had seen except for him.

"Nothing then, Louis and me decided to play a drink game." Harry just shrugged, now I actually looked at him, confused. Since when did he turn down half naked, or in this case, actual naked, girls?

"What? Why?" In fact, now it bothered me that he would wait with his answer.

"Because I can have girls whenever I want, but Louis probably will leave again soon." Actually, he seemed to be a bit sad about this now, looking at his hands, of course, it made sense why he had wanted to tell that story to me and not anyone else. Now wasn’t that cute, I even felt kinda protective about him, this happened to me sometimes, when it should be the other way to be honest, but Harry was like my brother, and right now, my little brother.

"Why isn’t he staying for longer? Zayn didn’t seem to mind." I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to act awake for him.

"This has nothing to do with Zayn, actually I haven’t seen him ever since he sneaked off to his room with Lora. Sorry ‘bout that, man." Why did he have to start with this now?

"For the last time, I never wanted to hit on her, okay? Anyway, why isn’t Louis staying for longer?" Harry avoided looking at me, but then he leaned against my shoulder as I put away my hand, I let him, even he had a weak side and I probably was the only one around here knowing about this. Lucky him the room was so full with people that no one payed attention right now.

"Because he has his own life, you know." This just sounded heartbreaking, so we stayed like that for a bit longer, but his friends came back and he immediately leaned away, acting cool again and even grinning when he looked into the round. "But actually he’s gonna pick me up after school. So I won’t need you to drive me home, Niall, thanks." It might seem kinda rude, but I knew it wasn’t meant to be like this, now he was much more into explaining to his friends how he needed to spend time with his "much older" friend rather than being with them, listening to this made me smile, he sometimes was just such a kid.

 

There was nothing else happening in school that day, I bumped into Lora once though, she looked at me and I knew that she clearly could remember what I had seen at the party, so her face got bright red before she hurried away without saying a word. That left me kinda worried, her behavior was really strange, I was scared she might still have this little stupid crush on me that I just couldn’t explain. Maybe it was just because she didn’t know me at all, because if she would, then she’d probably be disgusted by herself.

The fact that I was missing out on a whole night of sleep kept making my life harder as the hours passed by, at the point I left my last class I was sure I would pass out somewhere along the away home.

Liam had made some comments on that, but he stopped, probably realizing that I didn’t listen to him half the time, so he would just giggle and sometimes make sure that I stayed awake when the teacher was looking, if I would’ve been fully myself then I would’ve thought about that, overanalyze it maybe, but so I was just thankful that he took care of me.

On my way to the car I realized I still had that now useless cold pack Liam had given me in my backpack and that I needed to turn it back. I nearly groaned at the thought of the long way, taking even more time now because I nearly tripped every two steps and bumped in a lot of people calling me names after I did so. Luckily I was too tired to react to that or keep them in my memory for more than five seconds.

When I finally managed to get out of school, it was a miracle my mum hadn’t called me yet asking where I was, the parking lot was nearly empty now.

Nearly.

There was this guy standing in my way, texting or doing whatever, I didn’t care enough to check, I just wanted to curl up in my bed.

But the luck wasn’t on my side, I tripped again, stumbling right into him, which made him jump, surprisingly he didn’t swear or insult me, he even held my arm so I wouldn’t hit the ground.

"Sorry." I mumbled, looking up. Then I knew why this guy wasn’t swearing, because Liam didn’t swear. He seemed as shocked as me that we met again now.

"Niall." His voice sounded really confused, he studied my face.

"Umm… why are you still here?" I don’t know, the question just kinda happened, I was tired and not quite myself, as said before.

"My sister decided she’d take off without out me and go somewhere with her friends, and take along the only key we have. Guess I need to walk." Liam sighed, but let go of me after he had convinced himself that I was able to stand on my own. Then he looked around as if he was searching for someone, which was weird, because obviously everyone hated school and had managed to get away by now. "Where’s Harry?" The question sounded worried.

"A friend picked him up." Why would Liam be interested in that? It was still hard for me to not sleep in right here standing and talking to him, so I pushed the question in the back of my mind.

"Hm." He looked at me a bit longer, but then he seemed to turn slightly pink and cleared his throat, staring at something above my head in order to overplay himself blushing I think. "Okay, I better go now, see you." Liam waved goodbye, I didn’t really react to this and watched the distance between us grow with every of his steps.

Hm. He’d have to go home now. And he didn’t have a key. His house was about an hour and a half away if you walk. Even if he made it, he wouldn’t be able to get inside. These informations only sunk in now, then I called his name before I even knew what I was doing, I quickly ran up to him.

"What?" The shyness was gone again, luckily, because he had no reason to be, especially not around me, I was messing up on a daily basis.

"You can come stay at my house." I do realize that I was like giving orders right now, and normally I’d never do this, I’d even have to build up courage in order to get this out, but since I didn’t really feel so well and wasn’t really aware of what was happening, this seemed to be right, I didn’t even think of my mum at this moment.

"It’s fine I… I can wait." Liam bit his bottom lip, he had looked surprised when I just blurted out my offer into his face.

"Yeah, at my house. Come on." I didn’t know what was the matter with me, but thinking about it, this should be okay, he had also taken me to his house.

"But … what’s with your parents?" Even the same questions I had asked, this was like a replay with our roles being swapped.

I shrugged at this, yeah what was with my parents?

"They won’t mind." Maybe they’d even be happy. Or so. Well, the only thing I was pretty sure of was that my mum wouldn’t be rude while he was there, because she didn’t want our family to have a bad reputation, we needed to be perfect.

"Well, if it’s really okay…" I smiled at him, so he would know that it was, trying to look awake and stuff.

"Of course."

So we walked to my car together, I realized I was getting sleepier by the time, probably it wasn’t a good idea to drive, especially not when I wasn’t only responsible for my own life but also his.

"Hey, Liam?" Okay, this could really come out weird now, I even was aware of that despite my half passed out state, so I played with my keys.

"Yeah?" It seemed I had dragged him out of some thoughts, because he jumped a bit.

"Would you mind to drive? I… don’t wanna kill us." Only myself. Just kidding.

"What?" My "offer" left him speechless, I raised an eyebrow at his shocked face and his eyes going from me to my car and back.

"Can you please drive, because I nearly crashed a truck today." Not quite sure if it had been a truck, too sleepy for that, but I think the fact that I nearly crashed something at all was scary enough, Liam swallowed, trying to not look so surprised anymore.

"I don’t know if that’s a good idea. What if… your car is really expensive and…" I didn’t care about this car, but I didn’t know how I could make him believe that. Anyway, I’d probably get a new one by tomorrow if something happened, which I doubted, I had been with him twice and he drove better than me.

"You’ll be fine, don’t worry, I hate it anyway, so if you destroy it, you’d even do me a favor." My smile was really convincing, or maybe he just wanted me to shut up, so he took the keys I was holding out to him and agreed. His eyes even might have sparkled a bit, it was the same way Harry’s had when he had first seen my car, but unless Liam I hadn’t begged him to drive it. Thinking about that… he’d be mad if he ever found out about this. Oh no, why did those things always happen to me?

"It’s a normal car, Liam." I looked over, it was kinda weird to be in the passenger seat, where he stared at the key as if it was the first time ever he was about to start the motor. Maybe we really would be better off with me driving, but now it was too late anyway, I’d just hope for the best.

"Yeah, I know." So he breathed in deeply and just went for it, luckily his nervousness passed by quickly, so I felt like I didn’t need to pay attention anymore to what he was doing until I remembered that he didn’t know the way.

"Just go ahead and take the fifth street left, it’s the last house, trust me, you’re not gonna miss it." I couldn’t help but sound a bit sarcastic as I said that, Liam looked over, but I just stared outside the window, desperately trying to stay awake, a few times I just couldn’t help but sleep in for a few seconds. Good thing I wasn’t the one holding the wheel.

"You’ve got to be kidding me." Liam suddenly breathed, I opened my eyes when he stopped the car, finding myself right in front of my house.

"Not really, no." We sat in silence, because Liam’s eyes nearly fell out at this sight, I must confess, I never really thought about it, but compared to the other houses in this area, it really appeared like a fucking mansion. I’d like to have an explanation for this other than because my parents wanted to brag, but yeah, that was exactly why.

Then I decided he had had enough time staring at this, now he knew I was rich, hopefully he really wasn’t a judgmental person after all, but there was still the inside and we’d have to pass my mum’s gold sculpture in order to get to my room, god, what had made me asking him to come here?

"Okay, listen, my mum is kinda… well, I don’t know how to explain this, just… just act like nothing when she does something that might… seem strange to you or so, okay?" Liam’s face got both scared and confused now, I guess I have chosen the wrong words, just what were the right words? I didn’t know how my mum would act towards him so there was no way to warn him.

Let’s get this over, I thought to myself, finally finding enough courage to unlock the door and stepping inside, Liam a bit behind me, so I didn’t know whether his mouth popped open again at the sight of our entrance hall. Yeah, it really was a hall, maybe he thought I had just asked him to stay at my house in order to show off.

"Niall, is that you? Where’ve you been?" I nearly slammed my head against the wall, but resisted, for Liam’s sake.

"Take your shoes off, quick." My teeth where clenched together, I tried to whisper to him so mum wouldn’t hear me, doing what I had told him to, because if I didn’t then I’d have to clean the floor again.

Liam didn’t say a word, he seemed kinda like he had a shock or something but followed my example, anyway he couldn’t stop looking around, as if this was a dream and would disappear within seconds.

"I told you a hundred times to call me when you’re gonna be late, god." Okay, she still was mad at me, but at least that meant no nicknames.

"I’m sorry." I simply said, while trying to keep cool as I heard her steps coming closer, and then she suddenly stood in front of us, first with an angry face, but then she spotted Liam next to me and it went from surprised to nice, I knew that smile, she always put it on when Harry came over.

"Oh." Was all she brought out, I threw a glance over at Liam, who forced himself to smile as well and nearly made me laugh with his poor try.

"That’s Liam, sorry I should’ve told you, we’re gonna go to my room. Come on." I whispered to him, automatically pulling him a bit on his wrist in order to wake him up from his shock, so he quickly got himself together again, he even stretched out his hand for my mum to shake it, I noticed that his finger weren’t really still.

"Sorry, hi, nice to meet you." Even I was relieved that he didn’t stumble on his words, not that that would’ve been a problem, I think my mum would’ve found it adorable.

"Well, nice to meet you too, Liam." Surprisingly she behaved well, I mean that sounds like I was talking about a dog, but I really meant it, she didn’t yell or scream at me and she also didn’t drag him into the kitchen and made him eat cookies.

"Okay, see you later then." I made sure we quickly got out of her sight, which wasn’t really difficult because of the size of my house.

As soon as it was safe, Liam started talking again, but quietly and more to himself, he never stopped staring with wide eyes the whole time, having some difficulty to look at everything, as if he didn’t wanna miss out on it. “I can’t believe this.”

"It’s not that great." I murmured, trying to walk in front of my childhood photos that we were passing by.

"Yes, it is." His look was firm for a second, then he started stunning again and I let him, not quite sure what to think about this. I would’ve given him a house tour, but I didn’t want to cross my mum’s way a second time, so he would have to live without it, didn’t really seem to matter though, he was overwhelmed already.

"Okay, that’s… my room." Now I understood how Liam must’ve felt before when he had shown me his, my heart was bumping, I mean it had the whole time otherwise I’d be dead, but I felt it making an uncomfortable jump. The rest had just been like my parents had wanted it to be, I didn’t care about him seeing the house, but this was just my own place and thinking about what had happened here and that no one had ever been in here except for my parents and Harry was very weird.

As soon as Liam was in, I didn’t dare to look at his face, I closed the door behind him and locked it, my mum could change her mind about being normal within seconds.

"I’m…" Liam’s words got stuck in his throat, he turned around and looked at me, suddenly chuckling, didn’t know if that was out of being nervous or whatever reason. "I’m so jealous."

I relaxed a bit and smiled back at him. “Especially of my mum, right?” Right now, it was even hard to joke about her, because I felt like I was shaking.

Liam didn’t respond, I think that he thought it wouldn’t be appropriate, so I just went ahead and let myself drop onto my couch, the tiredness kicking in again.

"I don’t wanna show off, but if you wanna look at things, just go ahead." Because I think he was kinda curious, at least it looked like that and I decided that I didn’t mind anymore, because I thought of the pokemon pillowcase and actually I had really nothing in here I would be ashamed about.

"Is that you?" Or so I thought, Liam had found that damn stupid photo of me like fifteen years ago, I had planned on throwing it away and then maybe burning it down, but then I had forgotten about it and left it on my desk. So just no one got the idea that I might like looking at picture of myself, because I did not.

"Err… yeah." He didn’t put it down much to my displeasure, but kept looking at it, so I tried to look like I wasn’t paying attention and focused on preventing my eyelids from dropping.

"Why are you holding the irish flag?" He suddenly asked, oh right, that photo hadn’t been taken in England.

"Because I was born there." And I wanted to go back, so badly, even though I didn’t even remember anything, but my grandparents were still there and I actually planned on moving to them, but how could I have brought it up to my parents. Most of all, with what excuse? ‘Hey mum, I’m gonna move to another country because my school sucks and I hate my life, okay, so I’m gonna throw it all away and cross my fingers so I won’t end up in a bigger shithole than this one.’

Liam finally put it back, not acting like my answer had surprised him.

"So that’s why you have an accent." He simply said while walking around in my room, I nearly choked.

"I do not have an accent." I did, but it was barely noticeable, because I had spent most of my life here, not even Harry had asked me about it. All he ever commented on were some words, but I always shrugged it off. "I just pronounce some things different sometimes."

"Yeah, I know." He smiled at me, but I was kinda confused at how much attention he must’ve payed when I talked. "That’s exactly what an accent is." Now he laughed, I threw a pillow at him and missed his head, it only made him laugh louder.

"I know what an accent is." But the corners of my mouth went up all by themselves, I just couldn’t help it.

As he kept looking at things in my room, sometimes asking me about them, I noticed that his shyness from before was gone, and so was mine. It was really easy to be with him, it didn’t feel uncomfortable that he was maybe finding things out about me right now, I kinda enjoyed having him here, I didn’t even sleep in.

"What’s that door for? You’re not having an walk-in closet, have you?" I had a hard time looking over my shoulder, but his funny face was worth it.

"No, just open it up." Because he probably would anyway, I got a bit hot thinking about what he would’ve found in there like half a year ago or so, but now it was just a normal bathroom, no bloody tissues in the dustbin or bandaids all over the shelf.

His reaction sure would’ve gone for that, too.

"You have an own bathroom?!" I think now I had managed to break him. "And I have to share one with my whole family, that’s just not fair." He complained as he came to sit next to me, sighing.

"Sorry, I have no experience with that so it’d be wrong to tell you I know how that feels." Actually I did feel a bit bad now, I came off as really spoiled, didn’t help that the flat screen was right in front of us.

"What… what do your parents work?" Liam suddenly wanted to know, asking really careful now, other then before when he had found a pink teddy bear that Harry had given to me as a joke, turned out there were a lot more embarrassing things than I had thought.

"Work is probably not the right word to describe what they do." I shrugged, didn’t feel like I was spilling secrets here, everyone knew about it anyway. "My dad has a business concern and all he does is watching the people working for him while my mum goes off and brags about it, telling everyone what a hard job he does." Really, I loved my dad but that was just how it was, I still liked to pretend that things were different and stuff, but maybe I should just shut it and appreciate all the things I had. Well, except for money, wasn’t allowed to carry that around, which didn’t mean that I couldn’t get what I wanted, I’d just have to tell my parents and they’d buy it for me without asking. But I had never done that, the things in my room had suddenly been there one day and assembled over the years, and the car for example had been a present in order to… make me feel better I guess.

"That’s pretty cool." He lied, at least about my mum, but he kept up the facade and was so good at it that I had no chance of seeing what he really thought, but it was certainly not pretty cool.

"Yeah, no, well I don’t know." Sometimes I just wished we could be normal, I think all the money had made my mum into who she was today, and I wondered if she would be less perfectionistic if my dad had a job like other people did. "What do your parents work?" Because I really wanted to know somehow.

Liam luckily didn’t feel stupid now after I had told him that and answered without hesitation.

"They are both unemployed and the house was for free, because someone was killed on the couch that you slept on and actually the murderer was Hunter, so we decided to adopt him, he just wouldn’t leave the house, what else could we do?" His voice sounded like this was a total normal story, he even managed to look at me with a really convinced expression as he came to the last part, like this actually was what anyone would’ve done.

My head snapped and I’d like to say that I had figured it out by myself, but Liam was really good at keeping up the serious face and for a second, I believed every word he had said, but before I could really get scared, he burst out laughing, bending over and I blushed really bad.

"You should’ve seen your face." He giggled when he had himself together again, I chuckled a bit while trying to be mad at him, but it didn’t work out, because I found it hilarious to see him amused like that for the first time, it was impossible to not get infected by that.

"I just played along." I tried to convince him, but he wouldn’t believe me of course and laughed again, I just shook my head over this, this actually had made me feel better now that we weren’t talking about my weird family again and I had to be afraid to offend him.

"Okay, my mum is a nurse and my dad owns a car repair shop." It didn’t seem like he was embarrassed about what his parents did, maybe I should try and take that over.

"So that’s why you’re afraid of cars?" I joked, thinking about how reserved he had been before, hesitating before touching anything for the first time.

He rolled his eyes, but the smile was still there.

"I’m not afraid, okay? I was just scared of running it into a tree or so. Actually, I help my dad all the time." The last part did sound a bit proud, but that was fine with me. At least that explained his arms, so no gym, one mystery solved and about a hundred to remain. I was doing good.

We talked for a bit longer, then my mum suddenly insisted on coming in, which worried me a lot, but she just wanted to ask us if we were hungry, so yeah, maybe I overreacted sometimes. I think the fact that I had brought someone other than Harry home had calmed her down a lot, she didn’t even glare at me secretly, the smile lasted even when Liam wasn’t able to see. Still, I locked the door again after she went out, Liam raised an eyebrow at this, but didn’t ask.

Then we’d sit on my couch and watch TV, Liam tried to call Lora and shook his head, cursing her under his breath when she didn’t pick up, but I told him that I didn’t mind and obviously neither did my mum, but he was still mad at her, which was his good right.

I don’t know the exact time, but there came a point when the lost night suddenly took it’s toll and I slept in, my head once again hitting Liam, his shoulder this time. I had no control over this, okay, I was asleep and how was it my fault that I wanted to be comfortable and we didn’t have enough space to get more distance between us?

 

When I woke up again, my whole body fucking hurt, I moaned and automatically moved a bit closer into Liam, but he would never even know this because the first thing I noticed was that his cheek had dropped onto my head and that his breath was going even, which meant that he was asleep as well. The second thing hitting me after I thought about what I should do now, because sitting back up would wake Liam, was that it was kinda dark in my room, the TV was the only light source. Putting a bit effort into it, I was able to reach the remote in order to look at a clock. And that nearly made me jump, how was it possible that it was like four in the morning already?!

Now I did sit up, slowly, so Liam’s head wouldn’t drop, but he just turned around and didn’t wake up, which was good.

I stood up, turning off the volume on the TV and then walked to my window in order to convince myself that it really was night already. It was, and finding my phone showed me that it also really was three in the morning. Great. I mean, I didn’t really care actually, but whatever, I needed to wake Liam up, this may cause him some problems, no one knew where he was.

"Liam?" I slightly shook his shoulder, but he would just turn away from me, so I didn’t hesitate for long and turned on the lights, now it was easier, he blinked a few times, then looked at me sitting next to him, confused.

"Did I sleep in as well?" He asked, then yawned, but when he looked around, he was as confused as I had been before. "Wait, how late is it?"

"Three o clock." Still confused. "In the morning." Now his mouth popped open.

"What? But… you slept in and then I got tired as well and…oh. Shit." Liam quickly searched for his phone, his eyes got a bit smaller as he read something, then he relaxed again suddenly. "Lora texted me." A laugh. "This is like meant to be, she said our parents went out tonight and won’t be back till tomorrow, well today, night."

"But she will realize that you’re not home." It made me nervous thinking about that she would find out about this, that anyone would find out about it. Not that I was ashamed or so, but I didn’t wanna hurt Harry’s feelings.

"No, she stays at a friends’ house and hid the key in our garden. That means, no one has noticed anything, good." We both relaxed, until I remembered something and nearly jumped. "What?"

"My mum, I locked the door, remember?" Cool, this meant she hadn’t been able to come in in like ten hours or so. On one hand, she had no need to freak out because I wasn’t alone in there, but on the other hand… okay, wait, she had been happy about Liam being here, right? And there had never been any rules that people weren’t allowed to stay at my house, during the week and without me asking for permission, because no one would’ve expected this. So maybe she was thrilled at this. Or maybe not, well, she wouldn’t be if I went to my parents’ bedroom and asked her that at a time like this, so whatever.

"She didn’t seem like she’d be mad because of something like this. But I don’t know her, so…" Liam bit his lip, watching me as I ran this over in my mind, trying to think of the worst things that could happen, but actually, what could she do? Forbidding me to ever bring him over again? No, everything should be fine.

"Yeah, maybe you’re right, I don’t know, never came in a situation like this." My laugh still sounded a bit nervous, so I quickly shut up.

"This is weird, isn’t it." I nodded, because he was right, even though I didn’t know what he meant particularly, but it was definitely weird.

"I’d offer you to drive you home now, but I can’t. We have a alarm system and I don’t know the code so it would went crazy as soon as we open the door." And anyway, I still didn’t feel capable of driving a car right now and Liam looked really sleepy too now.

"Don’t worry, that’s fine." Liam gave me a face that really convinced me that he didn’t wanna kill himself because he was stuck here with me.

"I’m still tired." This sounded surprised, because I just blurted it out right after I had realized it myself.

"Me too." Liam smiled weakly, then rubbed his eyes, before we sat there in silence for a few seconds until I realized that I felt like shit and dirty and stuff you just felt when you slept in fully dressed in an uncomfortable position.

So I suggested we should both take a shower, because I was pretty sure he didn’t feel very good neither. The good thing was we didn’t have to be worried about waking someone up, my parents’ room was far away.

First, I hesitated a bit, but then I went on trying to find some clothes for Liam, this wasn’t really hard, I almost never wore short sleeved shirts but had tons of them, so I just let him pick one and gave him a pair of my sweatpants, of which I also had tons. Okay, I had tons of everything, satisfied?

While he was in my bathroom showering I unlocked the door and slipped into the hallway on my search for things like a blanket or so and just took the ones Harry usually got when he slept over. Which hadn’t been very often and also a long time ago, but I kinda think my mum kept them in the same place to remind me that he should visit us more often, or maybe so I wouldn’t forget how much time has passed by since the last time. Such a charming lady, wasn’t she.

Then I went back, door unlocked this time, I didn’t really think she would sneak around the house at night and maybe I overheard my alarm then mum could wake us up again. It’d be a drama if I missed school, but even more if Liam did too, on the same day, everyone would get suspicious and I really didn’t need people talking about me, or us.

Since I had showered first, I just put his stuff on the couch and finally climbed into my bed, I had had to wait so long for this moment, oh my god, it was even more comfortable than before.

Liam’s hair was a bit damp when he came out again, I was kinda jealous that he looked better in my shirts than I did, but more about how he was even able to wear them at all. I shut those feelings out before they took overhand, luckily I had remembered to take my pills before.

"I put your stuff on the couch." I told him, then waited for him to get there like he had when I had slept at his house and then turned off the lights, snuggling into my bed like I hadn’t been here for more than just a few hours.

"Niall?" Liam suddenly started, I had my eyes closed already, waiting to fall asleep,

but I still heard that this didn’t come out as smooth as it probably was meant to.

"Yeah?" We were whispering, I don’t know why, obviously no one would hear us, but I guess it was easier that way.

"Thank you." It didn’t really make sense now, did it. He had done the exact same thing for me, only that it had been more planned out, but at least he didn’t accidentally take me to a mansion.

"You’re welcome, but anyway, you don’t have to thank me, okay?" I didn’t wanna say something like that we were even now, because I probably would’ve also asked him to come over if I hadn’t been at his house before. Which would’ve been even more awkward, I never did things like that.

"Mkay." Then he turned. "Well, goodnight then. Again." This was actually funny, I would fall asleep in the same room as him for the fourth time and yet it was the first one we said that, there was definitely something wrong with us.

"Goodnight, Liam."

Before I actually fell asleep, I thought about it again, trying to find out how it could’ve even come that far.

I mean, a week and a few hours ago I had seen him for the first time, in front of the class, stumbling on his words and blushing like crazy, something he still did, and now there he was a few meters away on my couch about to sleep. How come I, out of all people at this school, spent the most time with him? I was distant and never opened up to anyone, because I just couldn’t stand these people, probably that was why, because he just wasn’t like these people. We were similar, somewhat, he had secrets, for sure, and I had some, but it was like a silent agreement we had made to not talk about things like that and just… yeah, that was where the problem started I was trying to solve. What were we even doing?

Just helping each other every time we had trouble? Was I still just looking out for him so those stupid people wouldn’t make fun of him because of the first school day? And how was I supposed to act towards him now? I must confess, it hadn’t been bad, none of the times we had been together, but I was scared. How could I know what he thought about all of this?

I just didn’t know anything anymore, no idea what I was doing or feeling or what I wanted, this was out of my control.

Good thing tomorrow was tuesday which meant my therapist could talk this out with me.

Finding comfort in that, I managed to sleep in with Liam’s breath as a soothing background sound.


	4. Chapter 4

And woke up at seven thirty just to hear it again.

Good, that meant my mum wouldn’t come in here, losing her mind and doing something like getting the crazy idea to kiss me on the cheek or so while Liam was watching.

"Hey, Liam." Leaning over the couch I had a good sight at him, not that I was out for that, but I realized that his hair looked good even though he had gone to bed while it still was wet. Which was unfair, because mine looked shit even if I tried hours to make it look decent. Oh wait, everything about me was shit, never mind then. "Come on, now." In order to wake him, I slightly shook his shoulder, finding out for the second time that he slept very deep.

But when I turned on the lights once again, he moaned, looking up to meet my eyes. “Why are you doing this to me?” He whined, trying to prevent the light from shining into his face, I chuckled.

"I’m sorry, but there’s no other way to get you to wake up." It was silly that I was able to say something like that.

So he would sigh before rolling around to stand up, stretching, which exposed some part of his stomach. Great, now he also had kind of a six pack, I quickly walked to my closet so I wouldn’t stare and envy him too much.

"Do you want another shirt? I was just thinking… " That I didn’t need them anyway and had too much.

Liam didn’t look really certain of what to say, so I decided I’d leave him time with his answer and just told him to go get whatever he wanted in case he didn’t want to wear the same clothes to school like yesterday. I don’t really know, but at least I never did that, but only because my mum didn’t want me to so I had gotten used to it.

We managed to go downstairs in time. With in time I mean before my mum would burst into the room screaming around that we would miss school and end up homeless and that we should take my father as an example of what you could accomplish if you tried hard enough. Seconds later she’d call me honey and baby and whatnot and tell me how much she loved me before making sure I was alright, took my pills and wouldn’t relapse. I think you call that schizophrenia.

"Hey, boys." Oh no, that smile was way too big. Luckily Liam didn’t really look at her anyway, I wasn’t sure whether he let himself fall behind on purpose, but a glance at his face made me pretty positive that he did.

"Mum, sorry, we fell asleep and… woke up at like three, I would’ve talked to you, but-" She cut me off, shaking her head as if she had no idea what I was talking about, as if it was the most normal thing in the world that I invited people over who were still there the next day.

"That’s okay, honey." My cheeks were burning, once again, but I didn’t know if Liam found this funny because he was still kinda half hiding behind me. "Just sit down." I didn’t know if her mood was fake or if I would find myself in a hurricane once I came back home alone, but for now I was relieved, although she called me embarrassing nicknames, Liam wouldn’t know how my mum really was, that was good.

So we’d do what she had said, Liam seemed a bit shy now, but maybe it just appeared like that because somehow we had managed to leave that behind last night.

I felt kinda sorry for him, thinking about how stupid I would’ve felt if his parents had been there when I had slept at his house.

"Do you wanna drive again today?" My voice wasn’t loud enough for my mum to hear, that was probably also because of our big kitchen, but anyway, I smiled a bit and he looked up, face still flushed, but I think he was about to return it.

"I did pretty good, okay." Liam tried to act normal, but I saw his foot going up and down and how he was playing with his fingers.

"Yeah like… well, never mind." I acted like I had wanted to make a comment about that, even though that wasn’t true, I just wanted to distract him a bit.

"No, tell me." Surprisingly he stopped moving and looked at me now, I smirked.

"No." His face nearly made me laugh, but knowing that my mum was somewhere behind me prevented me from that.

"Why not?" This was actually fun, so I just shrugged.

"I changed my mind." That made Liam groan.

"Niall!" His voice was way too loud, he noticed his mistake right away, blushing, while I burst out into laughter at his red face. "Be quiet, that’s not funny." He hissed, but not really mad, throwing glances to where my mum was.

"Yes, it is. Anyway, you should see your face now, revenge for yesterday." I was still chuckling when he looked at me and suddenly his face got a bit more relaxed, he even smiled now, I had no idea why, but I was happy that his nervousness was becoming less.

"Mine was way funnier, you need to practice." Liam clearly tried to overplay how red he had gotten by making fun of me now.

It would’ve worked, like everything, but then my mum decided to come back and yes, she sat down with us, oh what a joy. I looked at her when Liam had gotten quiet again, but she just shrugged, ignoring the face I was pulling.

"So… you go to Niall’s school?" I almost told her to be quiet, but I managed to keep it together, just making sure she wouldn’t see me when I tried to catch Liam’s attention and looked at him apologizing.

"Yes." He just said, and nothing else, I mean that was fine, at least he said something at all.

"How come you’ve never came over before?" My mum seriously seemed to be confused by that and I sighed quietly, of course she had no idea of what was going on, she had a whole wrong idea of that. The problem was that I didn’t really know what was going on neither, so I focused on eating instead.

"Well… that’s my first year in this school, so…" Liam shrugged, not knowing how to explain this, I felt bad for not helping him out, but I didn’t know how, only…

Before my mum could open her mouth again and ask him more uncomfortable questions I suddenly got up, getting all the attention and two confused looks.

"I totally forgot about this, we need to come earlier today!" I met Liam’s eyes, trying to make him understand, but he took some time, then he played along perfectly.

"Oh, right!" He got up as well, managing to smile at my mum, who certainly doubted my story but didn’t say anything.

"Well… I’ll see you … later then, Niall." Knowing why she had hesitated, I blushed a bit but raised my hand quickly, about to head out. "Come over any time you want, Liam." He got a bright smile, it was so embarrassing.

"Thank you. And… sorry for… err… sleeping in and stuff." Since I was slightly pulling on his wrist, Liam had trouble bringing it out in time and plus his stumbling, he barely made it.

"No problem." My mum gave him the smile usually only Harry got, so maybe that meant she liked Liam as well, I didn’t know if I should find this good or not.

We put up a record in putting our shoes on and driving down my street, not talking to each other while doing so, because the situation was really awkward right now. I thought about how lucky I actually was that my mum hadn’t recognized the shirt Liam had on, it was one of mine, and had pointed it out, maybe adding something like how cute this was of me to do that or so. Or maybe telling Liam how good it suited him, she had said that to Harry once, but unlike Liam would, he had thanked her and … made her compliments as well. Okay, that was enough.

"Sorry for my mum." I kept my eyes on the road, so I was surprised to hear a laugh.

"She’s nice, don’t worry." Eww, no. "I was just… I don’t know." Looking over, he stared out of the window now, too, but didn’t seem as pissed as I had expected him to be, actually not at all.

"Try to block it out, that’s how I get by." Even though I really meant this, he laughed again, breaking the tension between us, I relaxed, now it was more like yesterday again and that was good, because it had been nice actually.

"Thanks for the tip." Liam stopped playing with the shirt, maybe because it was mine or maybe because he calmed down as well.

"I’m really hungry now." It slipped out of my mouth, but it was true. Normally my mum made me eat everything she put up, only today I had managed to escape her. Anyway, that was not the embarrassing part, that was my stomach growling as if he agreed with me.

"I can hear that." My passenger chuckled.

"I won’t survive until lunch." I kept on complaining, as if this was his problem, or as if he was Harry.

In that moment I realized what I was doing and hated myself for it. It wasn’t right to be like that in front of Liam, everything that had happened between us, it didn’t mean that he wanted to listen to me talking shit now, he was just stuck in the car with me that was the only reason why he was still keeping up this smile, secretly he probably was annoyed by me now and at the fact that my mum had been getting on his nerves. And maybe he also hated me for my house and thought I was a show off or worse, what had I been thinking to act like we were… friends or something, no one wanted to be friends with me, why would they? That was just ridiculous, the whole show I put up here was to be honest, I needed to stop. And anyway, who said that I wanted him to be my friend, no one, I was just being nice here okay, I did very good on my own. Obviously.

"It doesn’t look like you have a choice." How was Liam still amused at this, wasn’t he pissed off like crazy by now? I mean I would be if I would have to be in a car with myself.

"I know…" And he didn’t know how right he actually was, because I had no money, ha, ha. God, could this all get more fucked up?

 

When we arrived at school it turned out to be actually only a few minutes earlier than usual, I guess that must’ve been the traffic. Or maybe because I was so busy trying to not annoy Liam and at the same time hating myself that I actually was stupid enough to take the wrong way first. So when we finally got to school, I was still blushed from before, even though Liam couldn’t have cared less.

We walked towards the building together, I don’t know, I was distracted by the fact that I was stupid, so I didn’t think about this until Harry suddenly showed up and reality hit me again.

"Hey…err…guys." His face was kinda confused, not pissed yet, but I avoided his eyes, because I didn’t want Liam to feel left out now. I mean, I didn’t really think that he wanted to spend more time with me than he already had, but I wasn’t someone to exclude people from conversations.

"What’s up?" I tried to act like always towards Harry though, even put up a smile.

"Nothing, really." Harry turned out to be very uncooperative, not being his usual self and starting to use the chance that I had asked him that and tell me everything about his day. No, he would still try to figure out what was going on, looking at Liam and then at me.

Liam on the other hand WAS his usual self again, quiet and a bit flushed, until he suddenly decided to clear his throat which made both Harry and me jump, because we had gotten silent.

"Well… I see you… in a bit then." He quickly looked at me, then nodded at Harry, who was really surprised at that, and fastened his steps to get away before I could say a word.

I wanted to close my eyes now, knowing that I had messed up, but instead I looked at Harry, waiting for him to let out his confusion. And he did.

"What…I mean… why… are you like friends with him?" He finally got out a whole question, staring at me as if I had told him that I was allowed to give a party at my house.

"We just walked to school together, what’s wrong with that?" And before I slept at his house instead of being with you like I had promised and then I allowed him to drive my car and later sleep on my couch, why? I was such a bad friend, why wasn’t I able to tell him the truth? What kept me from saying how it was, why did I look at him as confused as he seemed to be?

"I don’t know. It’s just… you drove him home once, is that what’s coming out? Is he stalking you?" What? I stopped Harry, how did he come up with that?

"What-"

"I can make sure he’ll stay out of your way, you know." Now he wasn’t looking at me anymore but somewhere else, obviously dreaming about how he would make his friends punch Liam or something like that.

"No, no, wait!" I made sure I got his full attention. "Everything is fine, okay? We sit next to each other two hours a day, why can’t I walk next to him without you assuming that he is stalking me?" The word stalking itself was very weird for him to use in a situation like that, what was the matter with him.

Harry leaned closer, paranoid somehow, he actually even whispered, to top that. “Niall, people are saying things about Liam Payne, okay? And I don’t know if you heard them, but I don’t trust him, maybe he is a freak or like a murderer or-“

"Don’t you think you’re overreacting now?" This was getting on my nerves, I rolled my eyes before walking away from him and his creepy suggestions, who was the freak here.

"It’s just weird, okay, I’m worried about you. You’re like my brother, I know you better than anyone else and… you’ve never been someone to… umm…" Of course I knew what he wanted to say. ‘You’ve never been someone to have friends.’. I tried to not let it hurt me, because it didn’t. "Anyway, be careful, okay? I’m here if you need to get rid of him." Harry sounded proud as he smiled at me, putting his arm around my shoulder and squeezing it as if he was doing me a favor right now.

I decided it wouldn’t help to tell him that everything was a whole lot different than he thought, because then he’d ask questions and somehow I didn’t want him to know like… everything.

"You didn’t tell me yet, how did it go with Louis yesterday?" Actually I was waiting for a long story full of details in order to change the topic, but he dropped his arm, avoiding my eyes. And then, he turned red. Harry never turned red.

"Well… it was fun." He forced a smile, trying to hide his nervousness.

"Are you blushing, Harry?" I nearly chuckled at him.

"No." Turning even brighter.

"Yes you are!" Harry pressed his hand over my mouth, embarrassed, as if he didn’t want anyone to see that we were talking to each other.

"I’m not blushing." The hand disappeared and he kept walking on.

"Liar. What happened?" There was no way I would not try to get it out of him, this was the first time ever he didn’t wanna tell me something.

"Nothing, we just hung out, okay?" He still didn’t look at me though, which meant that he was hiding something from me.

"Then why are you blushing?" Harry sighed heavily, then finally turned his head and stared at me.

"I’m not, okay? Nothing interesting happened." The look on his face made me give up, maybe this was what I deserved for keeping things from him. But still I felt hurt now, thinking about how he would tell his other friends about this but not me. "Niall, I’m serious, there’s nothing worth telling, okay?" He had obviously noticed my mood dropping, so he smiled at me again, trying to convince me, which he didn’t, but I acted like it.

"Okay." My smile literally felt uncomfortable.

When I walked off to my class I didn’t feel so bad anymore about what had happened with Harry, because now I felt insecure because of Liam. What was wrong with me?

Maybe it was the fact that he was sitting there, luckily still at “our” place, and looking

like on the first day of school. This could either mean that he was fed up with me or that before had actually made him feel bad. I didn’t really know what I hoped for more.

"Sorry." He said as soon as I sat down next to him, making the decision for me of what to say. I turned around, confused, because I certainly had not expected to hear something like that from him.

"What?"

"Sorry." Liam replied, not looking at me. "Didn’t want to … you know, keep Harry and you from talking." His laugh sounded so fake that even he noticed it, which made him stop all of a sudden.

"You didn’t, don’t worry." Harry wouldn’t have wanted to talk to me even if Liam hadn’t been there, obviously.

All I got was a quick nod, then it was quiet for a while, I nearly went crazy because of the thoughts running through my mind, but then Liam said, well it was more whispering, something that made everything worse and messed up my theories.

"He was confused at seeing us together, wasn’t he?" It really did not sound like a question at all, because we both knew the answer anyway.

"A bit." I confessed.

Liam nodded again, now he was the one lost in thoughts, I would’ve killed to find out what they were about, so I studied his face from the side, desperately trying to figure him out, but the expression on his face stayed unemotional.

"Did you tell him?" Okay, I definitely knew what he was talking about, the question was if I should let Liam know that I did. But what would it matter anyway.

"No." My eyes still weren’t moving away from him, watching him carefully now as I answered, but he just leaned back.

"It’s probably better that way." Before I could ask what he meant, the teacher came in and forced me to look away from my seat neighbor.

Which didn’t mean that I wasn’t worried about what he had said. What did he mean, it was better that Harry didn’t know? And why was he so distant all of a sudden, like, what had I done wrong now that people suddenly didn’t wanna talk to me anymore? Not people in general, I was used to that, but Liam and Harry.

When I felt myself tearing up, I knew I had to stop thinking like that, I had let myself go again, that whole thing had been a stupid idea, I should’ve never offered Liam to drive him home. What had I been thinking and why did it bother me so much that he was so cold all of a sudden, why would I care?

Okay, fine, he had been at my home and I had been at his, now this needed to stop or I would break all the rules I had put up by myself in order to not let my life get more complicated than it already was.

Liam and me wouldn’t talk anymore, not really, but at least Harry was his usual self again at lunch even though he still avoided the topic Louis and maybe he laughed a bit too high at some jokes, but I didn’t pay enough attention to know that anyway, I was busy worrying.

By the end of the day it felt like the whole week had been an illusion.

 

"Niall, that’s great." My therapist looked at me all happy until she realized that I wasn’t smiling along with her.

I had just blurted everything out, not like every detail, but everything that had happened since we spoke last time, I just hadn’t been able to hold it in any longer, it was driving me insane.

"No, it’s not." I disagreed, shaking my head, resisting to bury my face in my hands or jumping up to walk around like a madman.

"Why not? What’s wrong?" She clearly was confused, wasn’t she like supposed to know how I felt or something like that?

"Because Harry doesn’t trust me anymore and Liam is driving me crazy, okay? I never wanted this, I am not a person to go and invite everyone over to my house or sleep at theirs, I don’t know why I have done this, but now he’s all distant just because Harry has looked confused when we walked to school together and I don’t know why!" Wow, I really was upset over him ignoring me, I even nearly teared up again.

"Niall, calm down, okay?" She leaned forward a bit, keeping her voice at a low level, I knew why she did that, so I wouldn’t freak out, but that made me want to freak out in the first place.

"I can’t." I complained, looking at her, desperately wanting to hear some solution for this mess. "Tell me why I feel so stupid now." It sounded like I was begging, because well… I think I was.

"You’re obviously confused at how much this bothers you, am I right?" Now she was starting to point out the obvious again, great, I just nodded. "Well, I think your problem is that you have no idea what’s going on yourself and I think neither does Liam."

"I was kinda hoping you would tell me that he does and right after that what exactly it is." She laughed at me.

"I’m a therapist and not a fortune teller." Really, would’ve never guessed that. Usually I didn’t mind being here, but today my mood was just horrible, she wouldn’t get one smile from me, so she sighed. "Okay, sorry. Look, don’t you think Liam felt like he was useless when Harry suddenly showed up? And that it kinda hurt him?"

"What? No, why would it hurt him, he had to spend all day and all night with me, he probably was even happy to get away." Yeah, okay, that made me feel even worse, I wanted to cry now.

"Do you like him?" She suddenly wanted to know, my head snapped at this question, but she wasn’t even looking at me, so I didn’t feel so much pressure to find an answer right away.

"Well…" That was all I got out after a minute of thinking.

"I take that as a yes, just so you know." Maybe this was part of her plan, but it kinda made me mad.

"How would you know? I was just being nice, I was just taking care of him so he wouldn’t end up like me!" Yeah I know my voice was too loud, I was almost yelling at this point, but she didn’t tell me to shut up and just kept on talking in a normal voice.

"What exactly is your definition of taking care of someone? Don’t you think it would be a better idea to just be his friend?" Well, no.

"He doesn’t wanna be my friend." Because no one ever did, why did she have to point it out? At this time I was biting my thumb nail like crazy, which she didn’t comment on and hopefully also didn’t write down.

"He invited you to sleep at his house." Was all she said, making it sound like I was stupid and missed out on the obvious, but I was not okay, I had had enough time to over think this.

"Because he felt bad for me, because my best friend had left me all alone. He would’ve done that for anyone." I heard a sigh at this, so I looked away from the window to see my therapist leaned over and watching me.

"Okay, let’s pretend he actually just felt left out today and that he offered you to stay at his house because he really does like you. Would you wanna be friends with him then?" What kinda question was that?

"I don’t know, I don’t even know him." That had become my excuse for everything.

"That usually happens when you meet people for the first time." I glared at her, so she tried not to laugh.

"Thanks for enlightening me." Hopefully she heard the sarcasm.

"Okay, enough of that. Niall, I know you too well by now, please don’t get mad if I tell you something, okay?" My heart bumped faster at this, I didn’t like it when she started suggesting things about me, because they usually weren’t very encouraging and because she usually was right, so I nodded, really careful. "You’re playing a game and you’re playing it against yourself."

"What?" I really loved solving mysteries my therapist told me, especially because she was the one who should do that with mine.

"You’re too scared of letting people in, so you just tell yourself that no one cares about you. You made yourself believe that Liam is not interested in a friendship, because it’s easier that way, isn’t it? There’s no danger you will have to tell him something about your life or anything one day, you just accept the fact that no one seems like they want to be with you and that’s it. And above it all, you make yourself believe that you like it that way, don’t you?" Shit.

"I told Harry everything." One point for me.

"Your mum called him that day." Or not so. "What I’m trying to tell you, Liam is in the same situation as you are, but unlike you he has no one at school and he probably never will because he seems to be as careful as you are if it comes to telling people things about yourself." Could she like stop figuring Liam out and do it with me instead?

"Why are you telling me that?" I was getting impatient now, I had come here hoping she’d help me out and clear that mess up, but she was just creating a bigger one instead.

"Because I want you to over think this and I want you to open up to people, that’s my part in this, remember? Trying to help you out. So that’s what I do. And if you ask me then you do want to be friends with Liam, because you two are similar and if you wouldn’t like him then you wouldn’t let it bother you. And please stop telling yourself that you are just keeping an eye on him, because you are not. Looking at your lip it seems to be he’s doing a better job the other way around."

After what she had said, I didn’t response for a while, because I knew part of this was the truth, even though I didn’t want it to be real, but it was.

"It doesn’t matter now anyway, because he is mad at me now." I was looking for excuses again, I even realized this myself.

"He’s not mad, he’s hurt, there’s a difference. I think you have experiences with that as well." True.

"What if… what if we become friends and then he just abandons me?" It came out quiet and while I was staring at my hands.

"You need to trust people, not everyone is trying to harm you." Liam didn’t seem like he was one of those people wanting to take advantage of me, but you could never know, right?

"So you want me to befriend Liam, because you think that’s what we both want?"

"I think you both need it, but yes, the way you behave towards each other is proof enough that you do, just you both are not sure about what the other is thinking of this all, so you get careful." Now she was writing something, not really paying that much attention and leaving me with my thoughts.

"But I’m scared." I complained, knowing that I was behaving like a baby now, but how did you make people your friends?

"Sorry, if you want to be able to understand this, then you gotta go through this. I’m not forcing you, but obviously you really like this guy because we have just talked about him for half an hour." She said it in a way that made me blush, but she couldn’t see it anyway, still busy with writing.

"And what’s with Harry? He was upset about seeing me with Liam, I don’t want to hurt his feelings and just go off and find other friends." This wouldn’t be fair, he had always been there to help me up again.

"Could it be that you feel somehow dedicated to him? Yes, he has been there for you, Niall, but he has other friends as well and he obviously doesn’t really think about you when he is with them. Why can’t you do the same? If he doesn’t accept it then you can tell me a million times about how he is your best friend, but we both will know that it’s not true." Okay, no one had ever told me that before, not even her. We have talked about Harry so many times and she has never said anything like that, that confused me now.

"What do you mean?" Because she was speaking in riddles again.

"I just mean you could use a friend of your own."

 

To say I was less confused after my therapist appointment would be a big fat lie, but I was kinda more capable of dealing with it than before when I had been the only one knowing about this. I mean, she was a professional right? If she said that Liam didn’t hate spending time with me, then she had to be right.

Okay, I had to confess, after I got into my car again, I thought about this all over again and came to the conclusion that yes, I did like him. And therefore I didn’t want him to hate me now. But how could I make this work out? Did I really want to be friends with him and risk that Harry would get mad?

The only thing I did know was that my mum was in love with Liam as well now, she said that Harry was like cheeky and funny and Liam was shy and adorable. Yeah, she used the last word.

So the positive side of this all was that my mum wasn’t mad at all anymore, she was thrilled and didn’t even complain about my therapist or about me hardly talking, because obviously she thought that me and Liam were friends.

Maybe I should make this work out, do my mum a favor or so.

 

The next day I was really nervous, Harry greeted me overly excited again, like nothing had happened yesterday, but I didn’t really listen to what he was blurting out about Zayn and his friends or whatever. I did notice that the name Louis wasn’t mentioned though.

I had somehow talked myself into thinking that Liam wouldn’t show up anymore, that we would never see each other again or that he had taken his old seat again and I panicked at this thoughts, I was barely able to walk into my class.

But when I did I felt so relieved I nearly smiled.

Liam was there in his usual seat, writing something again and not paying attention to me entering the room, so he jumped when I sat down beside him.

"Hi." He mumbled, trying to keep me from seeing what he was doing, not that I wanted to catch a look at it, but I was wondering, I had seen him doing this for the fifth time now.

"Hi." I was kinda getting worried again, what if my therapist wasn’t right after all? But it was true, I sometimes talked myself into things and then held onto them stubbornly, maybe it was time to risk something.

"I… I forgot your shirt at home, sorry." Liam suddenly interrupted my thoughts, blushing a bit, this was so familiar by now I hardly noticed it anymore.

"That’s okay, you can as well keep it." Okay, that sounded like I was running a charity organization. "I mean, just in case your forget about it, it doesn’t matter I don’t need it." What the hell was I talking about.

"Okay." Liam just said, still not looking at me. Well actually I couldn’t know this because I was staring at the table and playing with a pencil. Now or never.

"Are you mad at me?" My voice sounded really whiny, I felt pathetic, but I wanted him to know that it did bother me when we didn’t talk anymore, something I had finally been able to confess to myself after worrying about it for so many hours, I had to face the truth finally.

"What? No, why would I?" Liam didn’t seem like he played to be surprised, I relaxed a little bit.

"I don’t know, just checking." I still didn’t feel confident enough to look at him, so I kept staring at the pencil in my hands, really interesting color.

"Niall." He just said and then stopped, so I was forced to turn around and check his face.

Liam was smiling now, it was good to see him in a better mood again, as much as I hated to think this but I liked the way he smiled.

"What?" I was confused, but not so worried about his answer, because there was nothing left of the distant Liam from yesterday.

"Oh, nothing." My mouth started grinning all by itself, I swear okay.

"Are you trying to make fun of me again?" He could do that as long as he wanted to as long as he didn’t act like the day before.

"I don’t have to try, you know. You’re like asking for it." Now he laughed a bit, but quietly, so people in the front wouldn’t suddenly start to pay attention to us.

"How nice." I rolled my eyes, still smiling anyway, before trying to think of something in order to pay it back to him. "You know, my mum said she loves you."

Okay, right choice, his eyes got wide for a second. “She didn’t say that.” He was studying my face to figure out if I was joking.

"She did, trust me." I couldn’t help but giggle at his face then, he clearly didn’t understand it, so I decided it was better to not make him deal with more and repeat what she had said about him and being adorable, that’d be too embarrassing and talking about that I was still glad that he hadn’t brought the "honey" thing up.

"Then she has a good taste." Liam suddenly said, trying to make it sound like he was confident while doing so, but there was no way he could fool me anyway, this was something Harry would be able to pull of but not him, he just sounded really funny.

"Of course." I rolled my eyes at him, shaking my head slowly and smiling about how things were normal between us again and how we were able to joke like when he had been in my room. This may sound stupid, but I had been afraid we’d lose that and go back to only talking about school and stuff like that, so now I was really excited for it turn out like that.

At the end of the period I was still in a good mood, so I surprised both me and Liam with what I blurted out then. “See you at lunch…maybe?” Glad that I had turned it into a question, I still felt how the blood was flushing into my face.

He nodded, even smiling after he had overcome the shock of me asking something like that. We had never spent lunch together, only that one time, but with his sister and Harry, so this was kinda weird now, because I didn’t even know what he usually did during this time and if he had plans or so, so that’s why I had turned it into a question then.

Walking out, I realized that I had no idea how to explain to Harry why I wanted to sit with Liam Payne of whom he thought of a crazy freak and worse.

 

Turned out I had nothing to worry about, because Liam and me didn’t see each other anymore after first period. There was no sight of him anywhere and before I knew what was going on, Harry had waved me over to sit with him and his friends, so I decided I’d keep him some company meanwhile looking for Liam from there.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked when I would continue to let my eyes wander through the crowds of people everywhere.

"What? Yeah." It didn’t sound too convincing, but he didn’t really care so that was fine.

"Hey, Horan, aren’t you sitting next to that Payne kid? Harry has mentioned something like that before." Now all the attention was on me and that kid that had suddenly decided to take notice of my existence, how grateful.

"Umm, yeah." My eyes got small, I looked at him, not because I was scared or so that someone wanted to beat me up again for that, but because it was weird for them to talk to me in the first place.

"How do you do this? The teacher made me sit next to him last period in art class." He shook his head, as if it had been a nightmare, some people even patted his shoulder in sympathy, I had a hard time not jumping up and yelling at him.

"What do you mean?" Maybe I got a wrong idea of what was going on, but I doubted it.

"I mean that it should be fucking illegal to do that. The whole fucking time I was thinking he might stab me into the back with a knife or so." Calm, Niall, unclench your fists, now. Actually I was surprised at how mad this made me, as if it was something new that people were saying things like that. "But then he luckily went out." Laughter.

"He went out?" I asked again, ignoring that this was probably for his friends now, but I didn’t care.

"Yeah, you know, he suddenly stood up, mumbling something like he was asking for permission to go to the toilet or so, the teacher obviously didn’t care and just let him go. So I was in safety for the last few minutes." He made it seem like he was very relieved, I stopped listening to the conversations now, because they were all about how stupid Liam was and how he should be thrown out of this school as well, that would’ve pissed me off even more.

"Niall, where you going?" Harry asked, the only one noticing that I stood up, or maybe not the only one, but the only one who cared.

"I feel a bit sick." My face certainly was white enough for that.

"Call me if something’s wrong, okay?" I just nodded, feeling Harry’s worried eyes in my back when I walked out with a strange feeling in my stomach.

I don’t know why, but somehow this got me alarmed, not the fact that people were spreading rumors again, but the fact that Liam would stand up and just walk out. I had thought that he didn’t care so much about our school mates anymore, that he didn’t like coming here but just sat through it, maybe I was wrong about this.

So I had decided to just go and look for him, I know this was weird but I had a good excuse okay, my therapist would roll her eyes at it though, but I needed something to explain this to myself and not feel like a stalker.

Somehow Liam didn’t seem to be the guy to go into art class, but since his appearance didn’t match with who he was at all, I just stopped thinking about it, rushing through the empty school building once again, because, like always, people were outside. Sometimes I think they did that to tease me, especially in summer and when it was hot, but then again, I was just paranoid.

When I arrived where I had wanted to get to, which were art classes, I realized that I had no idea what I was even doing here, maybe Liam had left the school building or whatever.

I could’ve also just waited for last period and then confront him about it, but who was I to do that, he could go wherever he wanted to, so it would be good to find him now, because I could make it seem like a coincidence.

So I went all back into “I need to keep an eye on him”-mode and checked literally everywhere, and had no luck, my desperate efforts seemed to be useless, until I realized that I hadn’t looked at the most likely place, the toilets, where he was supposed to be.

First I got a bit demotivated again, I felt stupid for standing here all alone and saying Liam’s name, but I did, because I realized one of the doors was locked. Please, let this not be someone else. “Liam?” No answer, but someone actually flushed the toilet.

Okay, to say I was surprised didn’t quite cut it, but he did come out, not looking really good, his face was kinda white, but he managed to make it seem like everything was fine. I didn’t believe him one second.

"What are you doing here?" He just asked, before going over to wash his hands like he really had just gone to the toilet, was he fucking kidding me.

"I was… looking for you. I heard someone saying something and… well, never mind then, I guess." I looked at him, trying to hide that I did first, but yeah, I literally stared at him, he must’ve noticed, but didn’t bring it up.

There was something wrong, I just knew it, and then I suddenly realized what it was, my heart stopping for a second as my eyes found those red lines on his shirt a little above the hip, you couldn’t really see it because his shirt was some red color as well, but they clearly were there.

Without giving myself any time to analyze it or let it sink in, doing what normal people would do, I just walked over to him and lifted his shirt up till it exposed enough skin for me to see.

Perfectly straight.

Liam stepped away from me, shocked, pressing his hand over that spot now, eyes never off me.

"What have you done?" I whispered, wondering if this is what everyone else had been thinking when… was this how you felt? This helplessness? Because if it was than I was even more sorry now.

"Nothing, the neighbor’s cat had to stay at our house." He clearly wasn’t used to making up lies about it, so he just tried to relax instead, biting on his bottom lip.

"Let me see." Of course I knew that he wasn’t telling the truth, the way he looked at me, just everything, he was so nervous and scared. And me? Well, I was shocked and didn’t really know how to react, you would think that I, out of all people, would come up with the right words to say, but I didn’t.

"No, it’s fine." It certainly was everything but fine, Liam tried to smile, shaking his head, but the panic wouldn’t leave his eyes. Of course not, who would want to confess that they had cut themselves, I sighed. Obviously I sucked at trying to watch out for people so they wouldn’t end up like me.

"Why did you do that?" This was the wrong question, but he played confused anyway.

"What do you mean?" Now I was starting to doubt that this was a good idea, but I couldn’t just forget, act like nothing was wrong, that’d make everything worse.

"This guy, he said you stood up in the middle of class and walked out." Maybe trying it that way would help.

"I felt a little sick, why do you think I’m still here?" Liam had a point, if I hadn’t known lines like those like the back of my hand then maybe there would’ve been a chance that I believed him, but sadly for him, I did.

"Okay. But show me anyway." I felt a little sorry for him though, I mean apart from the overall sorry that he had gone this far, but I knew how much it sucked when suddenly people found out or saw and insisted on you showing them.

"No." That was when the happy face fell.

"Why not? If it was just the cat, you can show me." This was mean, I know that, but I was desperate okay, it was a miracle I wasn’t shaking and tearing up by now, maybe I was still in shock.

"It’s nothing, okay?" Now he seemed to be on the edge of yelling at me, but he was still able to keep it together. Unlike me.

"Damn it, Liam! I’m not planning on judging you, okay, I just wanna help you!" It was wrong to scream around like that in a public toilet, but it hit me really bad how concerned he was about hiding this from me. Never had I thought about it that maybe I wasn’t the only doing things like that, so it surprised me even more now.

"What the hell are you even talking about?" His voice was still normal somewhat, but I was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be able to keep this fake confusion showing on his face for much longer.

"I’m talking about the fucking cuts on your hips!" Okay here was the anxiety I had been able to hold back before, but it was over now with my self control. Liam Payne self harmed, I didn’t know why, I could do nothing to help him and above this all… it was fucking triggering. Shit.

"That cat is the devil!" Liam was rising his voice as well now, but he still lied, so I breathed in slowly, trying to keep calm and not do something like crying.

"Did you cut yourself, Liam?" I wished he would just confess it, I knew the truth anyway, but he couldn’t know the kind of experiences I had with it and I certainly would not tell him, even if this was mean now. I wanted from him to tell me the truth yet I would never tell it to him.

We were looking at each other for a while, Liam desperately trying to look confused and me at the edge of losing my mind, once again. Right now it seemed like it should be the other way around.

Liam wouldn’t respond, wether it was because he had stopped trying to talk me out of it or because he was just searching for the right words, I didn’t know.

"I’m not judging you." I replied, waiting for him to look up again, but he didn’t. There was kind of an unfamiliar urge to run up and hug him, which I resisted of course. "Please, just tell me the truth, I’m begging you." Yeah I had gone over to begging.

"Why would you care anyway?" He suddenly whispered, that was proof enough for me.

"Why wouldn’t I? Look, if you really did this to yourself, then…" Exactly.

The problem here was that I understood him too well, I knew that it wouldn’t help to tell him to stop, that he wouldn’t be able to explain it to me and knowing that made me feel so helpless that I wanted to cry.

"What?" Liam looked up now, this time it really seemed like he wanted me to continue, but I didn’t know how, so I just walked up to him.

Slowly, I reached out for his hand covering the blood stained shirt, pulling softly until he allowed me to take it away with a sigh.

I didn’t waste much time, just in case he changed his mind again, and lifted it up again, staring at his cuts.

They weren’t that deep, but deeper than my first ones had been, definitely not made by a cat and still bleeding. Or bleeding again, I had no idea when he had made them, because there were some that looked older already. Great, this was just great, how was I supposed to handle that?

The first thing coming to my mind was that he needed bandaids, so I ignored his surprised face as I pulled some out of my pockets, you never knew right, I could just say that I needed them for my lip or so, but he never asked, just accepted them with kind of a thankful face now.

When he was done and covered them up again, we both stared at the bloody shirt for a second, then I cleared my throat and quickly brought my eyes up to his face. “Well, it’s not that noticeable.”

"Enough so I had to leave class." So that had been why, which meant… which meant he had had them already when we talked this morning. I felt sick.

"Why?" Was all I asked, even though I knew that I wouldn’t get a proper answer to that.

"I can’t…explain it." Liam shrugged, playing with his finger now and staring at his feet. He seemed to be ashamed now, I knew exactly how this felt, but I couldn’t comfort him with telling him that, so I swallowed my words.

"I know." I just breathed, which made him look up. "I mean I don’t but…I have no idea what to say now. I’m really sorry… I…" God, could these tears stop wanting to roll down my cheeks? My throat felt so tight that I had to stop talking or else my voice would’ve broken away.

Shit, why had I let this happen? Why hadn’t I put more effort into taking care of him? I didn’t want him to end up like me, the whole situation was so fucked up, I was overwhelmed by how much I wanted to curl up and sob.

"Niall? Why are you crying now?" My tears had spilled over without me noticing, so I nearly jumped at Liam’s voice, wiping them away quickly. He must’ve thought I was selfish, now there he was with bloody cuts on his hips and I was the one who started crying.

"I was just wondering what had happened that was so bad that you felt like you had to do this." I think it was okay to talk about it now as if he had confessed it. He ignored it though, so never mind.

"Please stop crying, you’re making me tear up as well." That made me look at him and see that it was true, his eyes were sparkling, I don’t know if they got red because he rubbed over them or because of some other reason, anyway I tried really hard to stop and take a deep breath.

"Sorry." I felt like I needed to say something, anything, but I kept quiet because nothing seemed to be good enough, even as I tried to think of something that I would’ve wanted to hear if I would’ve been in his position. So Liam started talking first again, we were both kinda off the rails now, staring anywhere but into each others faces.

"Niall…can you keep this to yourself. Please?" It really seemed to bother him that there was the possibility that I was able to ruin him now, this was how I felt with Harry sometimes.

"Of course." I’d make sure he wouldn’t have to be scared about me spoiling his secrets. "Hey Liam?"

"Yeah?" His voice made no secret about him being nervous again, maybe he waited for getting yelled at or a "what the fuck is wrong with you idiot"-speech, something I had experienced, but no, I wasn’t someone to do that.

"You know… if you change your mind, you can talk to me anytime, okay?" Because I was pretty sure there was no one else knowing about it, so I wanted him to know that I would at least listen, even if he didn’t wanna talk to me of course.

"Okay. Thank you." Liam relaxed a bit, but was still pretty alarmed and I still felt like shit, not knowing what to do.

I would’ve never expected this, especially not from him, but no one would’ve expected this from me either so I shouldn’t be surprised actually.

All I wanted was for him to never do it again, but that was not my decision and I couldn’t find the right words to explain to him in how much trouble he could get himself into with it.

So because of my confusion and helplessness, I tried to explain what I did then, which was taking another step and then hugging him. It felt weird, because I usually never hugged people, especially not the ones I just met, but Liam only stiffened for the first few seconds, then he decided to hug me back, which didn’t feel as bad as expected.

We’d hold onto each other for a while, I hoped that the break wasn’t over yet and people would find us here, but it kinda got blocked out by the way how close we were and how I was able to smell him and feel his arms around me, something that has never happened to me before with a person, not for that long.

"I don’t know about you, but I can’t go back into class now." I suddenly said, whispering somehow, because it felt right.

"Me neither." When Liam talked I could feel his breath on my skin, it didn’t bother me, just nearly made me jump, which was proof that I really lacked of social contact. That was the moment when I finally really decided that I wanted to be friends with him, my therapist had been right, we were kinda similar and I don’t think anyone in school would’ve understood him more than me if it came to things like cutting. So in order to do this, I needed to accept the fact that despite all my attempts to not letting anyone in, he had still managed to get me to like him and he hadn’t even been trying.

 

We ended up skipping school, I know I came off as someone who had never done this before, but I had, even though Harry had always been the one making me. This time I came up with the idea and Liam didn’t even take time to think about it and just agreed right away.

Now it turned out to be much easier, because I had a car, we could go anywhere we wanted, just not to my house of course. Anyway, this was not the usual “we are so fucking badass this is so much fun” kinda type of school skipping, we both were not capable of handling three more hours of sitting in there I think.

I quickly sent a text message to Harry, telling him that I couldn’t drive him home today because I still felt sick and needed to go home. Hopefully he wouldn’t call my mum and ask her how I was doing.

So we wouldn’t talk anymore when we sat in my car and I was driving down the road that got us out of town a bit, I had decided that I knew where I wanted to take Liam, but since he didn’t ask, I just assumed that any place would be okay as long as we got away.

The whole time I had a hard time focusing on the street, because my mind was running wild again, it was somehow good now that Liam didn’t say anything and was lost in thoughts as well, otherwise I might have crashed into something.

We drove for a while, Liam never asked about where we were going to, I think he was still ashamed and I wished I could say something to make him feel better, tell him that I understood, but something kept me from doing that.

So when I stopped the car, he suddenly looked up.

"Where are we?" His voice sounded a bit rough yet confused.

"I… I used to come here when… I needed time to think." And a place I could drag a blade across my skin when my mum had invited too many guests over with kids I was supposed to interact with, so I sneaked away, taking the bus. I was actually surprised that I had been able to find it by myself, maybe this was supposed to be.

Liam sat there for a while, staring outside the window and maybe watching the ocean or wondering how high the cliffs actually were.

High enough for the things someone like me would want to do here.

I let him, getting out of the car and walked until I stood at the edge and was able to look down, the urge was still there somehow, but I knew I wouldn’t do it.

When I turned around again I found Liam also standing there now a few meters away, but somehow skeptical and not like he found it as fascinating as me how much one step could do.

"No one ever comes here." I told him as I walked back to him, that was also the reason why I liked it here, because it felt like I was the only person in the world. That fact didn’t make me nervous, it comforted me somehow, but it was nice having Liam here.

"Probably because it’s really dangerous." He looked at me, studying my face, but didn’t comment on it.

"You wanna leave?" That would’ve been okay, I was just a bit disappointed that he didn’t like it as much as I did.

"No I just… I’m scared of heights." Liam let out a laugh he nearly choked on, but then he just sat down. "But it’s fine back here, so."

"Oh, sorry, if I had known that then-" I only seemed to mess everything up even more.

"It’s fine, Niall. Really." It made me happy that he smiled, because he hadn’t smiled ever since we had been heading out of school after awkwardly pulling away from each other, so I hurried to return it.

"Okay." I let myself drop next to him, starting to pull out grass, because I was nervous and somehow scared I might say something I’d regret later, like how much I really understood him.

"I’m sorry that you had to see this." Liam broke the silence.

"Don’t apologize, I’m glad that I know." Because now it didn’t feel like he would turn out to be someone else suddenly, it seemed like he really was this person and that we could actually be something like friends.

"Why would you be glad?" He really was confused at this, so I looked up, trying to think of words to explain this without sounding cheesy.

"This is who you are, so I’m trying to be okay with it, even though I could give you a speech about why this is wrong, but still, it’s a part of you. Which doesn’t mean I want you to continue, though." Okay, well, that came out pretty good, showed that I did care about what happened to him. Because that’s what I always thought and I didn’t want him to feel that way as well, because it sucked.

Liam stared at me, I think he had a hard time not letting his jaw drop, but then he calmed down, starting to pull grass out as well now and avoiding to look at me.

"It’s okay, I’m not doing it very often. I can stop anytime I want." Anytime he wanted. I pressed my eyes shut at this.

"Then stop. Please." I couldn’t help but sound a bit like I was begging, because actually I was, even though I had agreed with myself not to do this, I knew it wouldn’t do anything.

"It’s not so bad, just baby scratches." Exactly that was my problem, I didn’t find it bad doing this to myself but it was a whole different story if Liam did it as well, but that’s also why I ran out of arguments before I could even come up with one.

"I wish I could think of something that would convince you." The only thing coming to my mind was showing him exactly where this could end and I just couldn’t make him see it.

"You don’t have to, this is my own thing, I hadn’t planned on dragging you into it, so that’s exactly why I am sorry." Now I opened my eyes again to catch him looking at my face, his cheeks flushed.

"But you can come and talk to me, you know that right?" I just wanted to make sure to tell him that once again, if he would do it was his decision, but it made everything worse having no one to talk to. Even though maybe he didn’t wanna talk to me, I’d understand that, I could write a novel about it.

Liam nodded, slowly, then he seemed to get enough courage to ask me something.

"Why are you doing this?" Somehow that question made me run out of ground, now I was the one turning red.

"What do you mean?" The pile of lose grass kept growing.

"You took me here, you’re offering your help and… you’re not disgusted. Actually I was expecting yelling or … I don’t know, just not this." No idea what his face looked like, I didn’t dare to look, realizing that what I was doing really did seem odd now that he pointed it out. But he also didn’t know about my talk with my therapist or that I had decided to not treat him like everyone else at school and actually give him a chance as a person. What an honor. Not.

"Well… like I said before, this is who you are, so I’m not gonna judge you. And I… you’re not as stupid as the rest." Oh wow, really?

Liam burst out laughing at this while my cheeks were burning as I watched him lying down on his back, continuing to laugh. “Not as stupid? Thank you so much.” Was all he brought out because of his lack of breath.

"I’m sorry, it wasn’t meant to sound like this." But I wasn’t good at saying what I felt, so at least I had tried at all.

"Then what did you mean?" He finally sat up again, still giggling and wiping over his eyes. It did calm me a bit that we weren’t so serious anymore, but that didn’t give me enough courage to actually look at his face while answering his question.

"I just meant that… well, I do care about what happens to you, because I kinda… it’s just, usually… " It was really hard okay, so don’t judge me and my stumbling. "Usually I don’t…let people stay at my house and stuff…so I…" I stopped now, because this was just too much to handle for me, I’d never be able to get it out right, let these words leave my mouth and making myself so vulnerable.

"I kinda like you too, Niall." What he had said made me look up immediately, it made me feel weird, but not like uncomfortable weird. Anyway, I couldn’t describe or compare it to anything, because no one had ever said that to me.

Liam was smiling a bit, I was really relieved that he understood without me having to say it out loud, but I flushed anyway. Well, I didn’t exactly, because the redness had never left my face. Since it was embarrassing enough, I decided I could as well try and make a lame joke.

"You KINDA like me? Is that supposed to sound nice?" I chuckled, but Liam just laughed shamelessly at me and my stupid try to overplay how nervous I was.

"It certainly does sound better than telling me I’m not quite as stupid as everyone else at school." He wanted to make a game out of it? Fine.

"I changed my mind about that." Please, just let those stupid cheeks stop being red.

"Oh really?" Liam was still amused, I couldn’t blame him for that, because I was pretty positive that I would’ve laughed at me as well for looking and behaving like this.

"Yeah." In order to make it harder for him to see my blushed face, I lied back and closed my eyes, trying to ignore how my stomach felt after he had said that he liked me.

"I’m stupid?" He asked, but it still sounded as if he was about to break out into laughter again.

"Yes." I was trying to come off as pissed okay, it just didn’t quite work out, so I kept my eyes closed.

"That’s really mean." Liam made it sound like it hurt, so I decided to check, just to find out that actually he was grinning the whole time while staring down at me. So instead of it getting better, I blushed again, god damn it.

"Good." Putting my arm over my eyes and covering half of my face, it was supposed to look like I was just trying to get rid of the sun.

We wouldn’t talk for a while then, I was hoping that he wasn’t amused by my face anymore, but I didn’t dare to check, so I just made myself believe that he wasn’t and managed to calm down.

"Niall?" Liam sounded normal, not like he was trying to make fun of me again, so I decided to not ignore him, but didn’t move.

"Yes?" I couldn’t help but getting curious now, my heart started beating faster, it just would always happen when people did things like that.

"What where you thinking when you were standing on the edge of the cliffs before?" Okay woah, that was really unexpected.

I cleared my throat a few times, thinking about that I could just ignore him, but then I remembered how he had let me take his hand away from the cuts and how I had wanted to try and… trust him, I guess.

"I was just wondering what would happen if I… jumped." I sounded like I was a freak.

"You’re not trying to find that out, are you?" His voice sounded so worried that I finally made myself sit up and be face to face with him again. Probably I should’ve just made something up, because now I had made myself appear suspicious, Liam’s eyes clearly showed that.

"No, I…Sorry." Because I didn’t now what else I could say for being creepy like that.

Liam completely ignored it, studying my face with such an intensity that I had to look away.

"Why would you think about something like that?" Obviously he would find out that I was insane now.

"I don’t know… I’m…not the happiest person, I guess. But that doesn’t mean I will jump down that cliff, no worries." I tried to laugh about it, make him smile again, but he stayed serious, biting his bottom lip.

"You know what you said before…that I could talk to you. That also works the other way around." Great, now he thought I was suicidal. But I appreciated what he had said, somehow I really thought that he would be there if I would be brave enough to come up to him and actually open my mouth about those things, which I wasn’t and probably never would be.

"Thanks, but I’m not gonna jump." Trying to make that clear, I don’t know why, but I just kept on talking. "And if you don’t believe me then… well, I have to take pills already, so." Good job. But he had seen the pills anyway, so now I had just evened the whole situation out, Liam had no reason to be embarrassed anymore, I was the freak with the antidepressants, not him.

Somehow Liam didn’t know what to say then anymore, he looked down and I did too, because well… I realized that I shouldn’t have said that, I should’ve just been quiet. That was exactly why Harry was the only who knew, because my mum had called him and because I never would tell a single person, I had gone too far already.

"What…Never mind." Of course he wanted to ask questions now, it wasn’t his fault that I had made him curious.

"No, I wanna know." If we sticked to the topic pills then I could count myself lucky, the only problem was that it was very hard to realize when I was about to cross the line.

"What happened, Niall?" Liam whispered, he still didn’t wanna look at me and I felt like he knew, like he had figured me out somehow. I mean not every detail of course, but he knew that something was up with me, that I was hiding things much worse than him cutting his hips. That shouldn’t sound like I thought of my problems as more important, I really wished I wasn’t like that, but I had to face reality, which was that he wouldn’t be able to handle the truth.

"I don’t think… it would be a good idea to talk about that now." Was all I said, I expected him to complain, keep asking, but I had forgotten with whom I was sitting here.

"Okay." And that was it, nothing more, just like that. I was really impressed, usually Harry got on my nerves until I gave in and told him everything he wanted to know, but not Liam. He just sat there like nothing had happened at all.

"Do you think I’m crazy now?" I wanted to laugh, but I swallowed it down when I remembered all the other times I had wanted to do that and it had turned out as epic fail. Actually, this was really depressing, that I had to ask him that and be serious about it.

"No." Liam answered without hesitation, I felt his eyes on me, but preferred staring at my hands, hating myself for tearing up now, I needed to just calm down. And not speak to him, otherwise my voice would break away.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly after I hadn’t said anything for a while, focusing on my breath going normal.

I just nodded, not trusting my voice. It felt like my tears were about to spill over, I don’t know why I got so emotional all of a sudden, maybe it was because there was this wave rushing over me again, reminding me of everything and I really wanted to talk to someone, but I just couldn’t.

Maybe I really looked pathetic or maybe… I don’t know what it was, but something made Liam put his arm around my shoulders, carefully first, so I could pull away if I wanted to, but I found that I didn’t and just let him, this somehow even comforted me.

We sat like that for some time, not looking at each other, I was staring at the ground and Liam out at the ocean, his thumb started rubbing circles into my shoulder, I don’t think he even realized what he was doing until I somehow, no idea how, lost my mind and let my head drop onto his shoulder.

Liam was surprised for a second, but then he would just continue and never said a word about it.

I didn’t either, but only because I was scared of suddenly letting so many walls down and also by how much this made me feel better.

 

"Bye." I muttered as Liam got out of my car when I had stopped in front of his house. Maybe I was imaging things here, but I think I could still hear him chuckling while going for the door, so I quickly pulled over and made my way back home. My face was red again, of course, I don’t think I would ever get it to cool down for more than five minutes.

Liam and me had really gotten along as if I had known him for much longer than just for these few days, but as soon as I didn’t have him around me anymore, I started to worry about what I had been doing here.

I had lied to Harry, skipped school, kinda told Liam about my suicidal thoughts and the worst, I had gotten cuddly all of a sudden for the second time of the day. What the heck was even wrong with me, just because my therapist blurted out things like trust and friends I didn’t have to go along and freak out about it.

The only thing to calm me down was if I told myself that this was all because of Liam cutting himself, yeah, of course, otherwise it would’ve never gone that far. I just wanted to help him alright, and I happened to kinda like him and find myself not minding if I had to be there and help him. Because he needed help and since no one else knew about this, it was all up to me. Which meant, I HAD to be around him now, no need to blush, this was not awkward at all.

After I had talked myself into this, I got home with a pretty good mood actually.

"Hi, mom." Now it was showing that I had lost my mind, I even sat down in the kitchen where she was working. Usually I headed to my room and waited there until I had no choice anymore but to join my family again.

"Oh, hi, back so early?" I didn’t know if she was more surprised about the fact that I had forgotten to check the clock or my behavior and that stupid grin on my face.

"Yeah, well, the teacher had nothing left to say." It wasn’t even hard to lie, I needed to stop being so hyper or my mum would make me do a drug test.

"Good for you." She smiled at me again, luckily the confusion was gone, and kissed the top of my head.

Watching her here and talking like normal people would, my mood dropped, not because of that, but because I remembered what I had put her and dad through. Thinking of how hard it had hit me when I had seen Liam’s cuts, and he was “only” some guy from my school, but I was their son. Oh my god why was I so ignorant and stupid and always complained about their behavior towards me.

"Hey, mum?" Something had happened to me today and I wasn’t sure whether it was good or not.

"Yes, honey?" See, it didn’t even made me want to shoot myself when she called me this.

"I’m sorry for yelling at you the other day." I’d probably regret this later, but I somehow came up with the conclusion that everything had been my own fault and since we had never talked about this again, now seemed to be the right time. Had I known what kinda trouble that got me into, I would’ve just shut my mouth.

"Let’s forget this, okay?" I nodded, relieved, even though there had been no reason to be nervous. Ever since Liam had been here she was always in the best mood. Hmm… Liam seemed to have a big influence on our family. What? No, only on my mum and no one else. "But I really appreciate that you understand that it was wrong." Now this kinda confused me, I had more hoped to hear something like it was her fault as well, but okay, since I was rather feeling okay, she could believe whatever she wanted.

When my phone rang, I nearly jumped, but decided to just keep sitting there, knowing that my mum would hear every word I said even though she kept pretending to wash the dishes.

"Hi, Harry." Yes, I was aware of the fact that I had lied to him about being sick and yes, I felt really bad about it.

"Are you feeling better?" His voice sounded really nervous and I had no time to answer. "Niall, we have a problem."

"What happened?" Oh god, hopefully no one had noticed that both Liam and me had gotten into my car and-

"Lora. That’s what happened." Okay, well I was kinda relieved to hear that it had nothing to do with me skipping school or hanging out with Liam Payne and lying just because it was more comfortable for me than having to explain. So I just sighed.

"What did she do?" Probably she was moving in with them.

"She dumped Zayn." Or maybe not.

"What? Why would she dump him they weren’t even dating." As far as I knew, Zayn never dated girls because that would mean he would have to hold himself back. My mum throw a glance at me, but I just shrugged, rolling my eyes.

"Because of you, idiot." God, would this never stop? I thought I had gotten rid of her.

"That’s not my fault, stop insulting me." This really sucked, I don’t know why, but my problem was not really her, it was more the fear of Liam finding out and making me responsible for this mess.

"Yes, it is your fault that I had to listen to her worrying about you being sick for three whole breaks nonstop. And by the way she made me promise her that we would come over to her house, I’m sorry."

"WHAT?" My voice nearly cracked at this, but who could blame me, okay this was a real disaster! I couldn’t just… no way, this was too crazy. I got a warning look from my mum and tried to calm down. "Why would you do that, I thought you were annoyed by her."

"I am, but I feel really bad because my brother treated her like shit." Harry seemed like he meant it and not like he tried to make me give her a chance once again.

"Then why do I have to come?" This would’ve been mean and anyway, Liam would be there too, how should I behave towards him with everyone else being there, how should I play that I had never seen the house before.

"Because you are my best friend, you can’t leave me alone with her and anyway, she doesn’t want me there, she wants you." How grateful from him, now it seemed like he did this for me.

"I’m sorry, I can’t come." Shit, now with my mum listening I couldn’t tell him that I was still sick.

"Why not?" He clearly was about to get mad, I knew he’d do anything to get me to agree.

"I…I’m not allowed to." Hoping my mum hadn’t heard, but of course, she had been listening to everything and turned around now, looking at me with raised eyebrows, I stared at the table in front of me, mentally crossing my fingers for this to turn out right.

"Let me talk to your mum." Was he crazy or what?

"No?" I couldn’t need them bitching about me on the phone.

Anyway, what I hadn’t expected was that she wanted to talk to him as well, taking the phone out of my hand before I could even try and stop her, my mouth dropped open at this.

"Hello Harry, sweetheart….yes… of course Niall is allowed to come with you, he just hads been too scared to ask me for permission…. oh that’s great…" As she turned around, still on the phone, I let my head drop onto the table, resisting to hit against it as long as it would take for me to die from it. Now my mood was down again, I knew I shouldn’t have been so nice before, this only got me into trouble, I should’ve screamed at her again instead, then at least she wouldn’t have let me out of the house.

"There you go, everything is fine." Now she came back, with a smile on her face that I just couldn’t return, thinking she had done me a favor.

"Thanks." I mumbled, pressing the phone to my ear again, where Harry giggled. It was fucking hard not to scream at him now and swallowing the words for my mum’s sake.

"See you in an hour, HONEY." Then he hung up on me, this didn’t even bother me as much as the fact that people were playing games behind my back. I wanted to crawl into a hole and just die.

 

Turned out I really had to go, I mean this seemed to be like a bad movie, but no, this was reality. My nervousness was about to eat me alive when we were in the car, I desperately tried to prepare myself for this, but I just didn’t know how, if at least I could have talked to Liam first. Actually, I could’ve done that, we had each other’s numbers after today, but I had been a pussy and was too scared to do that, so I was the only one I could blame for my current situation. Well, and my best friend.

"Are you sure you know where you are going?" Harry seemed to be worried, I wanted to tell him that I had just been driving the same way about two hours ago, but ignored him then, because I was mad at him. And because it was easier to shut him out, my hands were already getting sweaty if I also would have to keep up a conversation now I would for sure lose control over the wheel.

It didn’t seem to bother him that I never answered though, he just kept on talking like he always did, sometimes I would listen to him, we were stuck in the same car after all, but it wasn’t really interesting.

The only thing I noticed once again was that he never said anything about Louis, as if he had never stayed at his house, as if he hadn’t gotten onto my nerves about how great he was and stuff. This was really strange, I decided to bring it up some time, when I didn’t have to play mad anymore.

It felt too familiar stopping my car here, I couldn’t do this, no way.

"Harry…" I broke my promise to myself, but now he was the one that seemed to be pissed.

"It’s too late, Niall." Not exactly knowing what he was talking about I followed him, staying behind and staring at my shoes. I shouldn’t have been here, I should’ve been home and locked into my room, ignoring my mum yelling at me through the door for letting my friends down. I would’ve preferred that to…

"HEY GUYS!" That.

Lora hugged us both, while Harry at least tried to be motivated and nice, I stiffened at her throwing her arms around me and didn’t hug her back, so she let go again quickly, blushing. I didn’t like the way she blushed, it looked weird with her hair. Fine, maybe I was a little bit overreacting at the whole situation.

"You wanna see the house?" Now she wasn’t nervous anymore but the exact opposite, way too loud and too excited, jumping around and stuff. I hated girls behaving like this, it was so fake.

"Yeah, sure." Harry said before I could throw in that I really would rather hang myself.

Anyway, we didn’t really come far because Hunter came sprinting around the corner and jumped up at me, trying to lick my face. God damn it, hadn’t been prepared for that.

"Err…nice…dog." I patted his head, wishing he would understand that it wasn’t really good to remember the time we had shared Liam’s couch now.

"He seems to really like you." For a second I was scared she would find it strange, but then she just shrugged, grinning at me. "Well, who doesn’t."

Harry had to hold back a laugh, so I slapped his arm as soon as Lora wasn’t looking anymore, continuing to give us random informations about the rooms I already knew. It had been way better to get a house tour by Liam, at least I didn’t get a headache by the sound of his voice.

"I’d show you what’s upstairs, but Liam’s at home and he doesn’t know you two are here, so let’s just go outside." Oh what a great idea, let’s just ignore the fact that she had a brother and not introduce him to the people running around at his house, she was really thoughtful.

"Dude, keep yourself together." It almost sounded as if Harry was mad at me when he whispered this into my ear after laughing and talking to Lora as if they were friends.

"I haven’t said anything." What did he want from me, at least I was here at all.

"Exactly." Then he left me behind and made sure to go outside into the garden, the only part I didn’t know yet, next to Lora, keeping her a bit company because I wasn’t willing to do that. It was wrong to get her hopes up, right? I was just trying to make her understand that we didn’t fit together and never would.

"Niall?" Oh god, someone really hated me.

Before I had been able to take a step outside, where Harry was already acting like he would throw Lora into the pool and she screamed her lunges out, I was stopped by a too familiar voice, so I quickly turned around.

"Your sister made us come over." I just blurted out when I saw Liam’s confused face, of course, I mean like… there weren’t even words to explain this. But somehow it calmed me to know that he was here as well, despite the fact that I had a flashback of not so nice things when I noticed that he had changed his shirt.

"Sounds like her." He just shrugged, suddenly starting to laugh.

"What?" How could he find this funny, this was god damn serious.

"It seems like you have a hard time pretending." Well, at least he wasn’t mad at me. Wait, he had no reason to be and I also wouldn’t care because nothing of this was my fault okay. Anyway I relaxed at the sound of his amused voice, my mood getting better by the seconds we were talking to each other.

"Hunter nearly messed it up for me." Wow how calm we could talk about the fact that we were both fooling Harry and his sister, who were still outside by the way, not taking notice about me still being inside. Maybe they should start dating.

"Serves you right." First I thought Liam was mad, but then he smiled and I rolled my eyes at him, relieved.

"Be quiet." Before we could continue our conversation, Lora bombed it, trying to steal my attention, which didn’t work, I wasn’t some toy she could just mess around with.

"Oh, hi Liam. Sorry for not telling you that I invited them over." It didn’t seem like she was sorry at all, she didn’t even look at him properly, only trying to "accidentally" stand closer to me, so I decided I would "accidentally" sit down and pat Hunter.

"Don’t worry." When I looked up, which I had to pay for with a wet tongue licking on my cheek (the dog’s not Lora’s, even though I think she would’ve done that too if she was given the chance), Liam was even more amused now, I wondered what was going through his mind.

"Okay. Niall, are you coming?" She made sure to smile big at me, trying to exclude her brother from this again, it clearly bothered her that he had gone downstairs, I wondered why, I had really thought they got along somewhat.

"I’ll be there in a second." Ugh, I didn’t want to, I just wanted to get back in my car and drive home, trying to forget her and that creepy smile. Or maybe talk with Liam first.

"Why not now?" To say she made me like her more with getting onto my nerves like this would’ve been a lie. I mean, at the first day of school, I hadn’t known how she was like, because I had kinda managed to stay out of her way the whole last year, but now she was really getting clingy, showing her true side I guess. Should’ve known the second she had been running towards me a week ago or so.

"I like your dog." That was really lame, but it was true, so I didn’t feel too bad about this.

"We can take him outside." Lora offered, trying to make me look at her, so I decided to bury my face in Hunter’s fur. Gosh, how rude did I have to get until she finally took off and talked to Harry again, why wasn’t she in love with him instead anyway, he was currently outside, shirtless, showing his abs, something I would never have.

"Actually, no you can’t." Liam suddenly threw in, I looked up to see him leaning against the counter, holding a bottle of coke and smiling at his sister really cheeky. I think that was his payback. By now, there was no doubt that he must’ve realized that his sister was crushing on me, which was bad, somehow I had hoped it would go away before he found out.

"And why not?" Lora almost hissed, glaring at him, as if she was trying to make him understand that he was unwelcome here, but I don’t think that it bothered him, maybe he was still mad at here for behaving like a little bitch towards him just because she had guests over.

"Because he’ll jump into the pool again and I really don’t want to shower him." Now he seemed to be serious again.

"Then don’t shower him, it’s gonna dry." Somehow I felt like they had forgotten about me sitting on the floor with the dog lying half across my lap. So I tried to not think about their conversation and watched Harry doing backflips, somehow this must’ve been great for him, he could just use their pool with no one else being there, but I envied him more for even being able to take off his shirt.

"Well, just go ahead, you can drive him to the vet." Liam shrugged, drinking as if nothing was wrong, while his sister was about to blow up, but then she swallowed it down, ignoring him again.

"Don’t take too long, okay?" She would just say to me then before slowly going outside again, as if she waited for me to catch up and run after her, well she could wait till forever for something like that to happen.

After she was gone, I kept my eyes at Hunter, not knowing how to act now, but luckily Liam made that decision for me.

"Well, that kinda clears up the rumors." My head snapped, he had heard about them?

"I…" I couldn’t go ahead and just say anything that came to my mind, even if they were fighting, she was still his sister, so I probably came off as really stupid for not being able to reply something. Liam didn’t really seem to care, he just came over to me and watched Harry attempting to push his sister into the pool as soon as she had taken off her dress and revealed a bikini very short of material.

"You know, I’m not talking about that she likes you, that’s not a rumor." Liam suddenly kept on talking, looking down at me now, kinda studying my face. "I’m talking about the rumor spreading that you like her back."

"What?" I couldn’t help but letting my mouth drop open after that.

Who would make up something like that? What was wrong with people, I had never done anything that would show her that she meant something to me, because she didn’t. I mean, I didn’t wanna be mean or anything but just…no.

"At least that’s what she’s been telling her friends. So practically that means everyone. Including people like me." Liam chuckled, but I felt like he didn’t really feel like it, because his eyes never left my face.

Meanwhile I didn’t know what to say anymore, he was her goddamn brother, but it didn’t seem like he supported the idea of me and her, so did that mean that I could just go ahead and tell him the truth? That I had been forced to come here and would only hurt his sister?

In order to not having to come up with an answer right away, I got up, which was a challenge because I had to lift a very heavy dog off of me, but then I had no choice anymore, I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea of me being so quiet.

"Well, that’s a lie." Too mean. "I mean… that shouldn’t mean that I don’t like her at all, I just don’t…LIKE like her." Too stupid. Anyway, nothing else would come to my mind so I decided to shut up and also watch Harry now, nervously waiting for him to get mad at me.

"I know, that’s what I meant before." So I dared to look over at him, but he just shrugged, not being anything near mad, he didn’t even seemed to be in a bad mood actually. When he felt my stare he turned his head, kinda confused now. "What?"

"Nothing… I was just kinda… expecting another reaction." That made him laugh, which surprised me even more, as if he found it great that I would hurt his sister’s feelings.

"Like a speech? I don’t like to see her unhappy, but I’m not getting involved, she’s had too many boyfriends already anyway." Liam slowly shook his head while I relaxed again, finally, some weight was lifted off of me, thank god.

"NIALL!" Harry screamed from the pool and made us both jump, he was all wet and dripping, his pants slipping down and yet Lora seemed to be immune to it, she looked at him for a second though, but only to make sure he wouldn’t get water onto her.

I just waved back, to show him that I had heard him, I mean how could I not, it literally had hurt my ears. Of course I wasn’t really excited about going outside, it was hot and I couldn’t go into the pool anyway, but I also understood why Harry didn’t wanna be alone with Lora, so I sighed as I gave in. But before I actually walked out, I hesitated a bit.

"Are … are you coming, too?" It probably was not nice to ask Liam that now, especially because I knew that he wouldn’t be able to take off his shirt, but maybe that was exactly why I had asked him, so I wouldn’t be alone.

"Hmm…well, she’s pissed already. Okay, let’s go." Liam made sure Hunter would stay inside while I held his coke, nervously realizing that it wouldn’t take too long for Lora or Liam to comment on my long sleeves.

Shit, what had Harry gotten me into, he had seen it. Well okay, he had seen like only one third of it, so maybe he really thought that I would try it with bracelets now, god, what if he wanted me to go into the pool?

"Does it taste good?" Liam suddenly asked, smiling, which made me realize that I had started drinking his coke without even realizing, so I blushed, giving it back to him.

"Sorry, wasn’t thinking." I quickly mumbled, but he didn’t answer anyway, because we had managed to reach the others, Lora sitting on a sunbed and Harry about to give me a hug, or hopefully only pretending to. "No, Harry, stay away from me, I mean it."

He stopped, but only to look at Liam quickly, I knew what he was thinking and I didn’t like it that he wasn’t willing to give him at least one chance, how could people not see that Liam wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone physically? But then again, no one was willing to give me a chance neither and I wasn’t said to be a killer.

Meanwhile Liam ignored us all and just sat down on the other sunbed, which his sister commented with a glare, but then he’d lean over to hear and whisper something into her ear so she relaxed a bit, but still not completely.

"Niall, don’t you wanna go swim?" I think it was a bit too obvious how she kept checking me out, I started to feel uncomfortable standing in front of both of them while Harry had decided to take off again.

"Not really, no." Thinking about how I had already told her that I was scared of water, which I wasn’t, but she hadn’t memorized it anyway. But… hadn’t she said that Liam was like that as well? Did that mean he used the same excuse for the same purpose or was it actually the truth?

"He’s just a coward!" Harry’s voice came from behind, making Lora giggle while her brother threw worried glances at me. Shit, I needed to be more carefree.

In order to not make her any more false hopes, I let myself drop next to Liam, trying to look happy or at least not like I was about to throw up.

For some time it was quite okay being with them, Lora luckily stopped flirting with me constantly, hopefully forever, and we were even able to have normal conversations.

Liam decided to lie down some time, keeping one leg on the ground so i still had enough space to sit. The funny thing was that I didn’t care if Harry was here or in the pool, because that’s what I’ve been afraid of, that he would leave me alone with Lora, but Liam was here, sharing his coke with me like it was the most normal thing in the world, and making sure his sister kept it together. It was like he was really trying to make it as bearable for me as possible, as if he knew what was up. But he couldn’t, right? No, and he never would, because if I wanted to prevent him from self harming, then I also needed to consider that it would most likely trigger him if i told him everything. What a good excuse, needed more of those.

I don’t think that Lora liked sitting next to a drenched Harry, who finally came back after leaving us for so long. No idea what exactly his problem was, I mean apart from the obvious fact that actually no one what him here, I think that was something new to him.

"So, does that mean you’re over Zayn?" He suddenly asked, making me move nervously and Liam sit back up again.

"Well…uh…." Clearly, she didn’t wanna talk about it, I don’t think we really wanted to hear anything about them, but Harry just kept staring at her, waiting for a proper answer. "I don’t think that was something… serious."

"Good thing you have Niall here." No, please not again.

Lora blushed, I tried to hide my face and Harry still seemed to think that I wanted to have her after Zayn had… been with her, meanwhile Liam seemed to find the whole situation hilarious, but I didn’t turn around to check.

"Yeah… actually, Niall, I heard you’re really good in maths." WHY?

"Uhm… sometimes." I kept staring at the ground, hoping Liam behind me would kept it together and not burst out into laughter.

"SOMETIMES? He’s a freaking genius." Harry threw in, I glared at him, but he just shrugged.

"Really? I have a test on friday, you could help me tomorrow. Please?" Oh my god, no.

"I…" I needed a really convincing excuse now, like someone died or so, but there was nothing coming to my mind, it was like blocked at how much I wished to punch Harry in the face.

"Well, sorry sis, but Niall and me need to do this thing for english." Both me and Harry turned to face Liam, but he wasn’t paying attention to us, more like to Lora about to slap him.

"Are you kidding me?" She hissed, her face getting red, but this time not from embarrassment.

"No, he’s right." I threw in, relieved that Liam helped me out of this, but I think me getting involved was too much.

"Liam, can I talk to you, please?" The last word came out really sarcastic, she didn’t await an answer, just jumped up and grabbed Liam’s arm to drag him back to the house while me and Harry remained in an awkward silence.

"It’s like… they’re fighting over you." He laughed, but sounded really too nervous for it to be funny.

"Harry, just stop it, okay? It’s really unfair to her, you know that I don’t want anything from her, why are you still doing this?" Right now, I didn’t care if it was unfair to anyone, I just wanted to convince him and never bring her up or talk to her ever again.

"But it’s real fun." Harry complained. "And maybe you change your mind and-"

"NO! I’m not gonna change my mind okay, she slept with Zayn." Or at least almost, but that wasn’t even the point, that sounded like there would’ve been a change that I liked her before.

"Okay, okay, calm down, will you? Anyway, what’s that between you and Liam, you really get along." It didn’t help that I still had his coke I guess, so I just shrugged, making Harry even more curious. "Is it true? That… thing or whatever you need to do for english?"

"Well…" I wasn’t really sure how to answer this now, because of course it had been a lie, but would Harry keep his mouth shut? "Kinda."

"What does that mean now?" God, why was he so curious about this but refused to tell me anything about the things I wanted to know, like what had happened with him and Louis the other day.

"It means exactly that." Harry rolled his eyes at me but didn’t ask anymore, maybe he realized that I wasn’t in the mood or whatever.

So actually, Liam and Lora somehow didn’t come back anymore, I felt like they had forgotten about us still being in their garden, but I really needed to go to the toilet and since Harry wasn’t willing to come with me, I had to go alone.

First, I was only greeted by Hunter, the house seemed to be empty somehow, which was really creepy, but luckily at least I knew where the bathroom was.

The thing was, I never made it there, because Liam and Lora had this talk and just kept fighting, not realizing that I could hear them now as well.

"…this is just unfair okay, and I can’t even blame you or him for that, so excuse me for freaking out here I really thought you just wanted to get on my nerves with that english thing!" Lora was desperately trying to keep her voice low, something Liam did automatically. But …he still insisted on the english project?

"Stop assuming things about me, I don’t care if you like him, just don’t get pissed at me because he doesn’t react the way you want." Okay, this obviously really was about me, I still didn’t let it show that I could hear them, which was very asshole-like, but whatever it was too late anyway.

"But I have every reason to, why do all my friends like you better?" That would require that me and her were friends, but despite that she was right.

"Okay, let me tell you something now, okay? It doesn’t help if you just make him come over to your house and then start flirting nonstop, I told you before, this is not gonna get you him, he’s not that kinda guy." How would Liam know me so well.

"Liam, please tell me you’re not-" Her voice was suddenly shocked after she had been quiet for a while, damn it, why couldn’t I see their fares and had to hide here?

"No! What is the matter with you? Trust me, it was enough for me at our old school, I’m not looking for a second round." What had this to do with his old school?

"Good, I mean not like you could control it, but I don’t want people to treat you like that ever again." Suddenly they were like getting along again, as if they were looking out for each other, I was more confused than ever in my whole life.

"I also don’t want you to get hurt, but you need to accept the fact that he just doesn’t like you back, okay?" Thank you, Liam, finally someone telling her.

"But I….Niall?" She sounded kinda shocked, so I just kept pretending I really just came in and needed to go to the bathroom.

"Well hi… sorry I… need to quickly…err…" Okay I couldn’t act for shit.

"You’ve heard everything, haven’t you." Liam interrupted us, blushing a bit, but not as pissed as I would’ve been.

"Not everything just…."

"Enough." He completed my sentence.

"If it calms you, nothing made sense to me, so…maybe I should get Harry and we… leave." Actually I wanted to ask Liam about his old school, I had wanted to do that ever since he came up and made that guy who had punched my lip let go of me, but I never felt like he wanted to talk about it.

Meanwhile, Lora was staring at the ground and blushing like an idiot, I wondered what she was thinking about, would she finally understand that it didn’t help to get on my nerves 24/7?

"Yeah, maybe you should go…mum and dad will be back soon, so…" She didn’t look at me and I was glad, because I probably would’ve felt bad if I had had to look into her watery eyes, I wasn’t so good with tears and girls so that combination was like death.

Liam sighed, he obviously hadn’t wanted me to hear, but he just shrugged when I looked at him apologizing, trying to smile. Why did he still smile at me? I had been spying their conversation.

In fact, I felt so bad about this all, Lora about to start bawling and stuff, that I quickly leaned over to Liam as no one was looking and me and Harry, who didn’t get why everyone was so down of course, were about to go.

"Can I call you later?" I tried to whisper, he seemed to be confused, but then he nodded slowly. Anyway he probably didn’t want me to, but he had no choice to be honest.

 

"You’re all crazy." Were Harry’s words shortly before he was about to get out of my car, shaking his head slowly.

"This was your idea." I remembered him, somehow mad at how this had turned out and how he just judged me along with them.

"Yes, but I don’t understand why you won’t give her a chance. Then Liam, he is a freak, I’m sorry okay, but it’s just that way. And Lora… don’t even get me started." It didn’t matter what he said about me, I was kinda pissed because he had called Liam a freak, which surprised me. So I quickly tried to react like everyone would expect me to.

"So, you think she’s crazy and yet I should give her a chance? Are you kidding me?" Hadn’t he seen how obvious and affective she was?

"Niall, I’m just trying to help you, why don’t you see that? Honestly, no guy in this school has been single for seventeen fucking years, I’m even introducing you to my friends, I’m trying to get you involved into everything, but I can’t think of anything else anymore, okay?" I was shocked to hear him talking like that, getting emotional, he usually never did anything close. "I know you’re having rough times and watching this kills me, but I can’t save someone that doesn’t even want to be saved." He was about to go.

"Harry…" What could I have said? He was right, after all, all his attempts, I just did everything off as nothing.

"No, Niall. I’m sorry, I never wanted to tell you this, but… I just…" Harry bit his bottom lip, still standing in the door and staring at me with a look that made me scared.

"What?" My voice was only a whisper, because I felt like I was shaking with fear of what might come now, like we were in a relationship and he was about to break up with me.

"I’m just not sure if I can handle this, I have troubles of my own and… I can’t constantly worry about you, it’s killing me." Did this really come out of Harry fucking Styles mouth? The one who always was so carefree and never down? Had he just told me that I … was too much for him to handle? After all the times he had been there, now I was too much?

"What does that mean now?" Somehow I was angry, but on the other hand, deep inside I knew that I had just waited for something like this to happen, you could only put someone through so much until they would turn their backs on you.

"Nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I do care about you, hell, sometimes I lie awake because I’m so scared, okay? Don’t look so shocked, I have feelings too, you know." Even though this really made me sad, I still had no idea what he was trying to tell me with all these confessions, had I known… "You’re still my best friend, no one is gonna change that, but since this… incident, I feel responsible for what is happening to you, all the time and it actually starts to make me feel bad to see that you’re still unhappy and I know I’m not able to change that now, so I need to give this up. I’m sorry." Then he would just leave me sitting in there, staring at the door way after he was already gone, my mouth hanging open.

He had just told me that he had given up on me. Why? Because I didn’t wanna date the girl he wanted me to? No. He wasn’t able to handle this.

I believe that in the beginning he had thought that he could, but now it just didn’t work out anymore. That was exactly why I didn’t open up to anyone, because I knew that this would come out.

So why did it still hurt so bad?

I drove home, completely blank, I didn’t even cry or anything, just stared at the street in front of me. Wow, looking back at everything, I was the most selfish person in the world. I had always only been out for myself, it was so bad that Harry didn’t even dare to come up with his problems to me, so I had just started believing that he didn’t have any at all, how stupid.

I was so busy drowning in my misery, I hadn’t noticed how this made the people around me feel.

My mum luckily didn’t ask too many questions, she got fooled by my smile, then I locked myself in and just kept lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling with no emotions showing on my face.

Secretly I waited for my phone to ring and see Harry’s name, but of course he didn’t call me, there was nothing left to say.

It wouldn’t even help if I apologized, I wouldn’t be able to make this up, this was too big. Maybe if I gave him time, but I doubted it.

I had messed up, once again, only this time I wouldn’t get a second chance.


	5. Chapter 5

My phone ringing woke me up, I hadn’t even realized that I had been sleeping, so I quickly reached over and answered, without even thinking or checking who it was.

"Hello?" Somehow I thought it was a prank call or some stranger who had picked the wrong number, because no one else called me besides Harry and he for sure wouldn’t want to right now. Or ever again, this made me feel sick.

"Niall? It’s me, Liam." Okay, this surprised me so much, I had to sit up, ignoring my spinning head and the dizzy sight.

Of course I had remembered that I had asked if I could call him, but then I had decided that I was too depressed for this and that he was probably annoyed by me as well and had just forgotten about it.

"Oh, hi." Hearing his voice was so good right now, it finally felt like I would be able to cry about everything, but I kept it together.

"Sorry if I’m bothering you, I just wanted to apologize for today, I thought you’d call but… so I did." Someone had actually waited for me to call them? I didn’t even deserve him knowing my name.

"Why would you apologize? I was the one making your sister cry and listening to conversations not meant for me to hear." There, again, I was an idiot, why was he even talking to me.

"Don’t worry, Lora has managed to calm down, she went over to a friends’ house, so everything should be fine." Liam ignored the second thing I had apologized for, it was probably better that way, even though it was the part I was actually interested in, but who was I to have wishes right now.

"Oh, sorry, now you have no one to complain about me with." It wasn’t meant to be a joke, so I also said it in a serious voice.

"Niall?" He sounded confused, as if this hadn’t been his plan.

"Yes?" No one could blame me for being in the shittiest mood ever, okay, I nearly always kept it together, but my best friend since preschool had just told me that he couldn’t handle that I was mentally ill.

"I’m not looking for someone to complain about you with." Why did he always manage to turn these things around and make me believe him without any doubts?

"Okay." Because Harry would’ve been a good option.

Hesitation from the other side of the phone, I think Liam was currently walking around his house, so I closed my eyes and tried to imagine that in order to block out my dark thoughts. Oh my god, I needed to wait for a whole twelve hours until I could take pills again without it being overdosing.

"Is everything alright?" Liam suddenly wanted to know, it didn’t even sound like a question asked out of ordinary behavior, more like he really did want to know.

"Yes. Yes, everything is fine." What a liar I had become, my tears nearly spilling over were witnesses of that.

"Ok…well, I’m not gonna bother you any longer, see you tomorrow…?" At the end he made it sound like he wasn’t sure about this anymore, maybe that came from our conversation about the cliffs, great, soon enough he wouldn’t be able to handle this anymore either. Or no, Liam didn’t know. He never would, because I was not stupid, maybe an asshole and arrogant, but I was clever enough to know that I couldn’t do this to him. The pills were one thing, in exchange for that I had seen his cuts, so that made his worse than mine, but telling him everything else would just be incredibly selfish.

So actually this meant I had no need to feel bad, I hadn’t forced him to call me, right? He had done this because he wanted to apologize, maybe I still had a chance to be friends with him? Maybe… if I couldn’t be happy, then maybe I could help him getting through this. What a good plan.

"Liam… would you mind… not hanging up?" Because I had let my eyes allowed to open up, just so I could see that the scissors were fucking smiling at me across the room.

"No, okay, let’s keep talking." That was the thing about him, he just made it seem so usual, as if he was really happy about this and kept our conversation up with normal topics, as if he knew how much I needed the distraction.

So I spent one and a half hour on the phone, I found that it was really easy to talk to him, especially because none of us had to blush. Even though we weren’t talking about serious things, I came up with shit like that I would visit my grandparents in Ireland and he told me stuff about how to repair a car, not gonna lie I didn’t get it, but we were able to joke around and stuff, as if… yeah, well actually he really did feel like a friend to me. I wasn’t sure what he thought about this all and I would never know, because I was a coward and wouldn’t ask.

"I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow." By this point we may have gotten a bit too comfortable with each other, I wasn’t watching or questioning my words anymore, just blurting out anything due to my tiredness.

"Why not?" Who would ask why not as an answer to this statement, honestly? Well, okay, Liam.

"You know these people, don’t you?" And now it would be even worse without having Harry by my side, I kinda had the feeling I hadn’t become a victim of bullying yet all because he was so popular. I shivered at the thought of what would happen if they saw that he didn’t wanna be seen with me anymore.

"Is that really coming from the guy who told me school is not everything?" It felt like it had happened hundreds of years ago, when my life had been messed up, but not like this. Anyway, why’d he remember that, had I made such a big impression on him?

"I just wanted to be nice." Well, I kinda really believed what I had been saying, but that didn’t change the fact that I hated my school and now also with a slight wish to burn it down like I was crazy. Wait, I was, this was even proven.

"You’ll survive, it’s only two more days until the weekend." Liam tried to actually calm me down, but I thought I could hear amusement in his voice because of me behaving so silly.

"No, I’m gonna die." My voice was numbed by the pillow in which I pressed my face into now, until I realized that I couldn’t breath anymore and turned around again, sighing.

"You’re not. Who’s gonna drive Harry home then?" Okay. This was probably the most improper time to mention this name, Liam couldn’t know of course, but actually, who WOULD drive Harry home now? Still me?

"I think he’d rather walk anyway, he’s pissed at me." I had no idea why I told him that, I guess because it had been bugging me the whole time and I just wanted to spit it out to someone who was willing to listen. Or had no other choice.

"What? Why?" Of course I couldn’t tell the truth, but actually, I didn’t even know what the truth was so whatever.

"I don’t know…but because of that I’m really not sure if I’m gonna survive school." God, now I was tearing up, I should really just sleep and let this poor guy live his life, he had too many problems already, he didn’t need mine too.

"What has that to do with Harry?" Everything.

"He’s like the only reason why people leave me alone instead of like… beating me up. That guy that has punched my lip has exactly said that. ‘Now Harry is not here’, and once everyone knows…" Wow, this even made sense, maybe too much, I heard Liam taking this a bit too serious. Actually it was serious, my hands were shaking at the thought of this, but I hadn’t planned on letting my fear show.

"No one’s gonna touch you, they have no reason to." Liam almost growled at this, I wondered if he would be able to pull a show like last time if he was wrong.

"I’m different, they don’t need another reason, just look at me, they hate me for everything I am." I do realize that I sounded like a whiney loser now, maybe that’s what I was.

But Liam didn’t seem to think that though, he wouldn’t answer for a few seconds, probably thinking of how to convince me that I was wrong, but when he talked again, it sounded totally different, not so confident anymore, actually even a bit too silent.

"Yeah…Niall, you want me to tell you something?" He suddenly asked, still in that voice.

"What?" No idea, really, I was still busy recreating the pain of a fist in my face and trying to prepare myself for feeling this every day of my pitiful existence.

"Why I had to leave my old school and why you can’t let this happen to you as well." Oh. I sat up straight now, not so tired anymore. Right, I shouldn’t have brought this up, this probably brought him some painful memories.

"You don’t have to…" I knew that he wasn’t comfortable talking about it, but that didn’t change the fact that I was so curious, I could’ve thrown up. How pathetic was that?

"I know. It’s probably not something you say over the phone and you might hang up right after, but I really feel like I should tell you this now. Maybe you’ll understand my conversation with Lora then, too." If he wanted to distract me then he was doing an amazing job.

"I’m not gonna hang up on you." Why would I? I couldn’t imagine anything bad enough.

"We’ll see." Liam let out a nervous laugh. "Just please, you need to keep this to yourself, okay? That school may have it’s flaws as well but I plan on not changing again." Even if I would intend to tell someone, there wouldn’t even be anyone who would care enough to listen to me for longer than two seconds.

"I promise." Anyway, I knew his secret about the self harming as well, maybe because that’s why he wanted to trust me with that one too, I felt honored, no seriously, I hadn’t expected to ever find this out, so I was listening even better now, totally forgetting about Harry.

"Okay. Well, like you said, being different is reason enough and I… well I guess if it comes down to this then I was perfect for being made fun of." I hadn’t realized that I had stopped breathing, until I almost fainted, so I tried to not make any noise to interrupt him. "The only problem was that I was stupid enough to not realize that and think people could handle with what…I did."

"What was it?" Suddenly he laughed, I couldn’t tell if it was because he really found it funny all of a sudden or because he was so nervous that he didn’t even notice, I think it was the last.

"I decided it would be a good idea to confess to everyone that I’m like…gay." There was some silence between us, which mostly…no which WAS my fault, because it just wouldn’t sink in.

"Okay." I hurried to bring out as soon as I was certain that I meant it. Really I mean, okay he was gay and I was having several disorders and depression.

"What?" Liam obviously couldn’t believe my reaction, hopefully he wasn’t mad now for the lack of words from me about him getting bullied because of being who he was.

"Okay. Why did you think I would hang up now? People are just fucking mean, Liam, I’m really sorry you had to go through this." Maybe this wasn’t how you react, but what if it really didn’t bother me? It certainly was better than Harry who had sex with like three girls a week and anyway, who was I to judge about something like this? I had never been in love with anyone, how would I know the way it worked, Liam could like whomever he wanted.

Anyway I think why I kept calm at it like that was also because I thought what was up with me was so bad that everything else that other people might find surprising just went past me, I don’t really think that anything could’ve really made an impression on me and cause something like me seeing him different now.

"Are you being serious right now?" Still, I wasn’t sure if my reaction had been right or if he was pissed now, because is voice would’ve worked for both.

"Yeah, why?" Better going with the truth and risk something.

"Wow." He breathed. "Not even Lora had been so cool about it when she found out." Liam was gaining back some confidence now, which made me relax as well, I didn’t want him to be so nervous, it was much more fun talking to him when he was just himself

"I’m not Lora." Thank god.

"Speaking of her, you know why she wanted to talk to me today?" Actually he chuckled at this. "She thought I was trying to keep you from talking to her because she thought I’m crushing on you."

Sorry, but just the thought of her liking me had been amusing, yet disturbing, to me, but this was too much, I burst out into laughter. What was wrong with this girl? Was she like paranoid or what.

Liam joined me after he realized that I wasn’t able to calm down, but I don’t think it was because of what he had said, more like because of me behaving like this, but I mean honestly now. As if Liam would have a crush on me.

"I’m sorry, this is great." I even had to wipe my eyes after that, afraid that my mum would come in to check if I had choked on something.

"Glad you found it amusing. But that wasn’t even the reason why I told you all of this. I just wanted you to realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with you, those people are just bricks if they treat you like this. And anyway, if anyone’s ever trying to punch you again I might actually make my threat come true." Somehow I believed him, maybe because of the way his voice sounded, or maybe because he seemed to get really furious when people came into the same situation he had been in.

"Thank you. Also for trusting me." Considering that my mum didn’t even trust me with knives anymore, this was a huge thing, I almost felt like I wasn’t totally useless.

"You knew too much already." Liam teased me, and see, this is why I got along with him so well, because we never sticked with the serious stuff and this was great, everything had been too serious during the past few months.

We’d talk a bit longer, but I was about to sleep in, so we had to stop our two hours long conversation, god I had never even talked that much with Harry nonstop.

"So to clear this up, does this mean we’re still friends, even though I have confessed things like that?" Liam laughed, but I knew that he really wanted me to answer this honestly.

Anyway, I didn’t think about this, I much more was stuck with the word ‘friends’, feeling my stomach twist at this.

"Yeah, of course." It made me smile way too much.

I still felt bad because of my fight with Harry, but now it seemed like that I wasn’t here without a reason, maybe Liam really needed me unlike everyone else, maybe I could just be a friend to him and listen and this would be enough.

 

The problem was after I had been able to fall asleep without desperately looking for excuses why I couldn’t got to school, I had nothing to tell my mum the next morning, so of course I had to go.

Secretly I kinda hoped that Harry had calmed down again, that’s why seeing him just wave quickly across the whole parking lot before taking off with his friends was like another painful punch in my face.

But of course, I couldn’t just run over to him and beg him to act like before again, maybe crying and yelling, no, I had to pretend that I it was as normal as he made it seem.

And what was even worse, Liam didn’t show up in the first period, like what the hell, so I sent him a text message, being all clingy and stuff and breaking all my own rules, which made me hate myself afterwards. So I told myself I had just done it because I needed to be sure that everything was okay with him, which didn’t help because he didn’t reply. Cool.

Then the next thing was that Lora glared at me across the hallway as if I had ever done anything to her, as if I had been rude or made her false hopes, and her friends didn’t let the chance pass to call me names, but I didn’t hear them because I was listening to music. That’s what I always did when I had no one to talk to in school, so I could make myself believe that it wasn’t because no one wanted to have a conversation with me but because I was too cool to put out my headphones.

Which was a lie of course, everything I told myself was, it was like I had made up my own version of everything and pretended it was reality, that was exactly what my therapist criticized, so probably I wouldn’t tell her anything about it.

Okay, so lunch was pretty much the most stupid thing in the world, I didn’t even dare to go past Harry, so I thought I could stay inside, but then I remembered what had happened the last time I wanted to lock myself into a toilet, cough pathetic cough, so instead I decided I’d choose my car this time. Which could be locked as well and even had air conditioner, so yay.

The only problem was that I had no food in here, so I’d have to starve to death, but that was still better than getting those stares for sitting alone, now it seemed like I was so cool that I could buy a car and also didn’t have to waste my time with those dumb people. I mean it would’ve seemed like that if anyone would’ve cared enough to pay attention to me.

But then my phone suddenly vibrated, while I was busy turning the volume on the radio so low that no one from outside would get offended by the kind of music I listened to, and I honestly thought it was like… my mum telling me that her spy had spotted me. I really was paranoid.

That was why I was scared to check, but it was just Liam, finally deciding that he didn’t wanna ignore me after four hours.

'Sorry, I overslept. Did you die yet?' Just a smiley face on the end of the message would've made it more depressing, I pushed it away and took it as a joke, I was in the mood for that, really.

'No, I'm having a cool party in my car.' I really should not hope that he would come over and join me, probably he actually had friends to spend the lunch with and I was too selfish to realize that I wasn't the only one he talked to.

'I'd love to join, but I'm not even at school yet. Sorry, my phone is dying.' Well, okay, this was fine, no need to get upset or sad. I didn't even know what the word sad meant at this point. At least not after I threw in a few more pills, because, well… I could, and then spent the whole lunch break listening to depressing songs. That's how I liked it, being left alone by everyone, totally okay with me.

It seemed as if the time went by even slower now that I was almost desperate to see Liam’s face and talk to him, it was very new to me to feel like this and I had no idea where it came from, but these thoughts just wouldn’t let me lock them away, so of course I was really hyper when I finally saw him in our last period.

But on the outside I kept it hidden how much relief I felt at seeing him walk into class.

"You know, telling me that school is not so bad and then not showing up yourself doesn’t make you very believable." He raised an eyebrow while sitting down next to me, grinning.

"Oh, really?" The smile got bigger, I had a hard time keeping serious, I was so happy, I could’ve thrown my arms around him. But after the last two times of doing that I had promised myself to not get onto his nerves with it and never hug him again. Well, only if I wasn’t the one who started.

"No, seriously, how come you overslept?" Of course I did notice how curious this sounded, and he did as well, because he chuckled at me before bringing his eyes down to his bag, unpacking his stuff.

"That’s your fault, if anyone’s. Because of yesterday my battery died and I had no alarm to wake me." It didn’t really sound as if he was blaming me, more like trying to make me angry again out of fun, but I just rolled my eyes when he looked up, still with this smile on his lips.

"Next time just get a supercharger." Shrugging, I stared at the clock, a bit distracted by the fact that the teacher would come here any minute and we’d have to stop talking, which bothered me a lot actually.

"Next time?" I blushed hard, even though he laughed quietly, not sure if he was looking at me though, I tried very hard not to turn my head and just cleared my throat before deciding to change the topic.

"Lora kinda threw some glances at me. Well, and her friends as well." Maybe I should tell him that it hadn’t been only glances but also words, but then I decided not to because he sighed already.

"Sorry ‘bout that. But she’ll calm down, just ignore her." The only problem was that I had tried that before and now look what came out. "She’s mad at me, too." Liam suddenly continued in a voice that made me finally check his face again, meeting his eyes, but none of us blushed okay, we were getting better at this.

"Why?" Okay maybe I’d be mad at him too if I was her right now, but since I liked him better than her I’d be on his side anyway.

"Obviously it is my fault that you don’t like her, now she thinks I’ve talked you into it. But maybe she’s just said that because her friends were there before when I saw her in the hallway. Anyway she sounded very sarcastic when she wished me a good mark on our english project." Liam chuckled, but it made me think again, if she thought that he was with me, could he even go home then, because he had no car. How had he managed to come to school in the first place?

"What are we going to do about that?" Because that was more important to me now, who knows why, maybe because I felt really bad because he had made this up for me.

"I’m just gonna go to my dad after school, he lent me his car today anyway, so I’ll have to bring it back. Good thing Lora would never come up with the idea of visiting him at work." Well, okay mystery solved.

"When she finds out about it it’s only going to motivate her to make up more of these theories." Not that I cared, but I felt like an asshole for causing a fight between them.

"No, she’s not gonna find out, she… wait, I haven’t even told you the worst part of this!" Now Liam was all excited to tell me, yet upset, but I was actually shocked at how loud the last part came out, so I jumped a bit.

"What is the worst part?" I hadn’t thought that it could get worse, so I was pretty curious.

"She’s having a party. Tomorrow. At our house. And guess who’s invited." Oh… poor Liam.

"Not me." Probably not even him, maybe she’d make him lock himself in his room and forbid him to come out so her friends won’t see him.

"Yeah, I think that’s clear, but actually I meant someone else. The guy who punched your lip, even though she doesn’t know about this." Liam seemed to be really mad now, he wasn’t even looking at me.

"Well I think if she did then it would encourage her even more." This girl really seemed to hate both me and Liam, obviously she’d invite everyone except for me, oh my god… maybe she invited Harry. And I knew him too well, he wouldn’t say no to a party, even if it was at the Paynes’ house.

"Maybe. But I don’t think this is all supposed to make you feel bad, this is also for me, who knows what she’s about to do, or her friends." It almost sounded as if he was scared, and because I had made it my first priority, since there were no others, to prevent him from feeling like this I once again blurted out things without thinking.

"You could sleep at my house. That would piss her off even more and she won’t be able to do anything to you." Hmm… actually this sounded like a good plan and not like I should be embarrassed about it, so I smiled as he looked at me in surprise.

"Actually… that’s a good idea." Maybe he just didn’t wanna say yes right away, but now this sounded as if he actually hadn’t expected me to come up with something that was actual helpful.

"Don’t talk like I never have good ideas." I played mad, started drawing on my map, until I realized that it was full already.

"Aww, I’m sorry." Liam just laughed at me, like always.

"So if you’re gonna come over, just beware that my mum will probably be extremely excited about this." I’d tell her first, talk her maybe out of adoring him and telling him how adorable he is.

"Okay, thanks." Maybe I imagined that, but suddenly he did sound nervous again, which of course didn’t keep him from smiling.

I was able to relax a bit after that, but somehow I felt really weird when school was over and I drove home.

This probably happened because I wasn’t used to not talking to Harry for so long, at least at school. Actually I don’t really think that inviting Liam over when Harry was at his house would make him forgive me, this would probably just mess everything up even more if anyone found out.

And now the surprising part, I didn’t care anymore.

Of course I wanted things to go back to normal, but I had accepted the fact that it wasn’t my decision, I still felt bad, but I couldn’t just curl up and cry every day for the rest of my life because of this and Liam was my friend as well, Harry couldn’t get mad because of this.

 

"Umm… mum?" It was like really late already, because I had tried to avoid this as long as possible, but I’m afraid I had not much longer.

"Yes, honey?" My dad was there too, but he just completely ignored us both, only shook his head slowly, probably at the nickname, I wish he’d tell her how stupid it was.

"Can Liam… sleep over tomorrow?" Now they both started at me as I stood there in the kitchen door, playing with my sleeves. I wasn’t scared that I might get a no, I was scared of them being TOO thrilled.

"Of course he can!" Yeah, exactly like this. "He’s really nice, I’m glad you’re friends with him." My mum smiled at me, but my dad had decided to pay attention now too, and he didn’t seem very excited.

"What?" I asked, trying to sound carefree and as if I was joking, but he kept staring at me, as if he was really deep into thoughts.

"Nothing." He shrugged while walking over to the fridge. "I was just wondering when you’ll finally invite a girl over." My jaw dropped, I’m not even trying to lie, I was shocked.

My mum was too. “He doesn’t have to.” She defended me, their roles were switched from how they usually were and that kinda made me sad.

"Yeah, that’s why I said I was wondering." So that was it, good to know this now, my dad wasn’t just an incredibly forgiving person, he just didn’t want to treat me like mum did because he wanted me to turn out like … like Harry wanted me to be too, probably changing my girlfriends like clothes and partying nonstop, getting bloody lips from having fist fights. That’s why he acted so normal towards me, he pretended that everything was fine. That I was normal.

Tears were building up in my eyes when I realized that, how stupid had I been to believe it was just because he actually trusted me, but I was able to keep it together in front of my parents, just shrugging at his words. Like they didn’t affect me or like tore me up inside.

"Anyway, who’s this Liam guy?" Wow, my mum hadn’t told him yet? That was like a premiere, not that I was excited about this, now I had to tell him.

"A friend." I just said, I was both mad and sad now, so not the best mood to talk.

"What’s with Harry? Haven’t seen him in a while." Ha, ha, was he doing this on purpose?

"Yeah, is he alright?" My mum threw in, worried now, even more than before about me.

"Yes, he’s alright." And he’s not coming over ever again, because I’m too much to handle for him, why don’t you call him and make a club about how weird I am for not behaving like other boys my age?

"Hm, okay. Well, I won’t be home to tomorrow, so invite whoever you want." For a second, when my mum wasn’t looking, he stared at me with such an intensity that I thought he was trying to tell me something with it. Maybe he believed that I was hiding something from mum and actually really wanted to have a girl coming over. God, if he knew what was actually going on, he’d be so disappointed. And mum would too, I had pissed off her angel.

"Okay, thanks. I’m upstairs." I quickly pointed somewhere and just turned around to leave, not waiting for another comment that would make me tear up and feel like shit. Which probably wasn’t even possible to happen, because I felt so bad, this couldn’t get worse.

So this meant, I had lost my mum months ago, like not really, but somehow yes, I had, then I had lost Harry yesterday and now my dad turned out to be someone completely different, everything he had done now had a whole new meaning. I had thought that he did this for me, but no, he was just doing this for himself.

Wow, actually this meant everyone who knew had turned their back on me, there was really not a single person in the world who was able to handle this. Except for my therapist, but she was payed so that didn’t count.

All this really made me want to call Liam and just tell him everything, I almost did, but then I remembered that I was crying and not myself, I’d regret it so bad, so I resisted the urge. Anyway, he probably didn’t even wanna know this, maybe I knew a lot of things about him, but that didn’t mean that he wanted to put up with my problems as well, that wasn’t even the plan, the plan was being friends with him and making him feel better.

And crying to him on the phone certainly did not fit into that script, I’d have to do this on my own, should be used to it by now.

 

The next day started completely the same like yesterday, Harry wouldn’t come and greet me or throw his arms around me like he usually would, so that was something I’d miss, his morning energy, cheering me up a bit. I’d never get that again.

As if this wasn’t depressing enough, the whole school seemed to be in a good mood today, I know it was friday, but I kinda got a feeling that every second person was invited to Lora’s party, I really wanted to know if Harry was too. But of course, with Liam being at my house, we’d never find out anything, because there was no one who could’ve told us. Or would’ve wanted to.

Liam was like the only thing that kept me going at this point, I had just gotten out of bed for him, actually I woke up and wanted to just not give a fuck about the world anymore, but then I remembered that I couldn’t let him down and gave myself a push.

Which was the reason why I probably looked sleepy and even shittier than usually, when actually I just felt down, I had even slept for more than ten hours I think, because I had gotten so sick of crying that I just wanted to forget.

"Everything good?" Was the first thing to come out of Liam’s mouth, his worried eyes studying my face, I forced a smile.

"Sure." I didn’t want to infect him with my mood, because that would happen if we’d spend the next… wow we’d spend a lot of time together. Now I wasn’t so sad anymore, Liam would be there to distract me.

"Is Harry… still mad at you?" He had figured it out right away, seeing through my fake happy face, so I dropped it.

"Yeah…" Probably I was overreacting now, letting myself drop next to him and having to hold back a sigh.

"I’m sorry." Somehow I had a feeling that he was about to lift his arm, but then he let it be, quietly letting out that sigh that I hadn’t, as if my mood was already affecting him, I needed to do something about this.

"So you’re coming over right? My mum is already too excited for you to say no now." My smile wasn’t so hard to keep up as it had been before, because I remembered that tonight wouldn’t be spent with crying, finally, once again.

"Yeah, I can’t let her down now." Liam smiled back, but I think this was forced as well, maybe because he knew that I wasn’t feeling so good or maybe because he actually was scared of my mum now. I think it was the second thing, at least I would’ve understood that better.

"Good, I’m glad we both … err…." Okay, well, that would’ve sounded much worse than in my head.

"That we don’t have to go to the party? Yeah, I’m glad too." He really seemed to mean it, so this meant he really wanted to sleep over at my house, right? I was doing him a favor, I helped him out, which was what I had planned to do.

Now I felt a whole lot better.

The day went by quickly, I was surprised by this too, but there was this one time during one of the breaks, when Harry suddenly came up to me, grabbed my wrist and leaned in to whisper in my ear, something like “Be careful, those guys want to wait for you after school, just get in your car quick, okay?” Then he’d take off again, without having looked into my face once.

It made me miss him even more, but it also eased the pain of losing him, which was weird that his behavior made me feel both of this things at the same time.

The best part of it was that I got my hopes up again, maybe there still was a change, he didn’t hate me, he was still looking out for me.

I made Liam hurry up after the last period, even though I wasn’t really scared of what might happen after school, because he would be with me and his reputation would probably both safe us, people still thought he was a killer and obviously they also thought I was, too. At least that’s the things I heard the freshmen whisper in the hallway, and their fingers pointing at me made it even more accurate, but I didn’t mind, those were just kids.

"Hey, Horan, your face looks really good." Okay, well. Maybe they were talking about my ‘I’ve been crying last night’-face, because my lip had actually been doing good lately.

"Just keep walking." Liam whispered, what did he think I would do? Go up to them maybe?

"Do you need a bodyguard now? Poor baby Niall can’t go anywhere alone anymore." They laughed at me, god, this was really stupid, but at least no comments about Harry and me having a fight, I’d give them one week till they found

out about it and then hell would break lose.

"You must be pretty obsessed with him if you know that." Hearing Liam talk got them back to being serious again, I don’t really know if anything else was said to be honest, because we reached my car and I got in right away, not feeling like dealing with any more of this.

"Idiots." I muttered when I pulled out of the parking space, having a quick illusion of how I would run them over, but then just decided to not get Liam into jail.

"I still think this is because of me." Liam sounded guilty.

"I don’t know why they started hating on me, but all I know is if you weren’t there then I wouldn’t be sitting here but lying on the ground out there and spitting blood." Which would mean that they had been right actually, he really was my bodyguard. One who wouldn’t be able to last in a fight, but as long as they just sticked to blurting out stupid things, we should be fine.

When we got home, my mum behaved well, which didn’t mean that it wasn’t embarrassing, but it could’ve been worse.

The good part about this was that she somehow seemed to think that Liam was like my cure or whatever, because she trusted us enough to leave the house. I mean, I don’t think this was all because of him, but also because I wouldn’t even be able to do anything with having someone over.

Which meant, I was able to show Liam around, something he seemed to desperately want, because again, he kept staring at things, as if they had gotten even better than last time. I really did not see what fascinated him so much about this stupid house.

"And that is the bathroom." My voice sounded really uninterested.

"Wait, another one? You have more bathroom’s than people living in this house." He shook his head, but I knew he was really jealous, so I shrugged, keeping the tour up without telling me that we had two more bathrooms upstairs.

"And that’s the stairs to our basement." I just stood there, in front of it, staring down, until Liam said something because the silence and the fact that I didn’t move anymore were getting weird.

"What’s the matter?"

"You can go downstairs if you want, but I’m gonna wait here, it’s not interesting down there anyway." Just some options to sit down and a TV, he didn’t really need to know the size of it and also not how much it had cost, then maybe he’d ask me to sleep down there and I’d rather hang myself.

"Why do you want to wait?" This seemed to confuse him, but I blushed at the question, keeping my eyes on the stairs.

"I never go down there." Which had a lot of reasons, mostly because when I had been a kid, Harry and me would actually spend nights there and he had never missed the chance to scare the shit out of me, it had gotten out of hand, all the stories he made up, so now I wasn’t able to go there anymore. He had managed to make me afraid of my own house, how stupid was that.

"Why?" Maybe he was smiling a bit, already about to guess the reason, but I didn’t check his face, letting the dark and creepy room in front of me have all my attention.

"Because I hate it." No need to admit that I was a coward.

"Scared?" Just like that, maybe my face had gotten too pale.

"Are you gonna go downstairs or not?" It should sound like I was annoyed while totally ignoring his question, but it just came out in a way that didn’t make it hard for him to figure it out.

"No, let’s just go." Liam would chuckle, but I was actually glad he didn’t want to, there were monsters down there, okay.

So I tried to get over this embarrassing moment with showing him our DVD collection, his eyes nearly popped out, but I had gotten used to it by now because they nearly almost did when entering every second room.

"My dad is obsessed with them." I just explained, just so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea of this like thinking I was the one buying so many.

"Hey, Niall?" Liam suddenly asked, turning around, his face was too amused, this could only be bad. "We could watch a horror movie." Like I had predicted, great.

"Yeah… we could…" I didn’t wanna say no, first, because he was a guest and I was already being an idiot and second, my reaction towards the basement had been embarrassing enough. "Okay, just pick one, we’ll take it upstairs." I didn’t wanna have to come back here when my mum was there, she’d probably forbid us the movies we weren’t allowed to watch yet. Not that I would’ve minded if those weren’t available as a choice anymore.

He was about to laugh, but then just swallowed it down. “Okay, any suggestions?” Did he actually think I had watched any of them?

"Not really…" Every time Harry had wanted to watch some, I had told him that the DVD player was broken, which was stupid, because we had five, so we ended up watching them anyway, but after that I got so scared that even the cover frightened me so I had thrown them away, which meant they weren’t here anymore. Hopefully my dad would never find out about me being a coward, then he’d probably really hate me.

Liam spent quite some time, maybe looking for the scariest, while I felt bad for myself and kept wishing we could just watch normal movies.

"Okay." He then said, I glanced down at the DVD in his hands as we walked out, oh good, blood and a nice big eighteen printed on it telling me I shouldn’t watch this, but I wasn’t a pussy, okay, so I didn’t say a word about his choice. Also because I doubted that he could’ve picked anything I would’ve been satisfied with.

It really took me fucking long to show him around everything, maybe also because I took him to the garden house as well, I was being brave and even walked inside, even though I hated it, too.

At the end of it, all I really was, was tired, and scared that my mum would come back soon and I wouldn’t be able to use the kitchen any longer.

"Are you hungry? Because I am." Which left him no choice anyway, I didn’t even wait for his answer and just assumed that he was, even though he just laughed at me, already knowing that I got awkward when I was hungry.

So after that, we went into my room, where I immediately locked the door, I didn’t need any of my parents coming and saying goodnight or my dad bursting in and staring at us all awkwardly because Liam actually was a boy and I obviously hadn’t turned out how he wanted me to.

We spent the rest oft the day watching TV and playing video games, it turned out that Liam was better at every single one, so I said I didn’t wanna play anymore because it was too boring when reality was that I was pissed, he knew that as well and just kept laughing at me for a whole ten minutes.

Besides that it was really cool, honestly like, when Harry visited me, he never stayed for that long and if he did then he would get phone calls all the times, either from his friends or from Zayn, and talked with them up to half an hour, which got a bit annoying.

But anyway, I didn’t wanna complain about him now, because I really even missed how he ignored me when his friends called and that should say something, right?

Somewhere in the back of my mind, my therapist’s words popped up again, telling me I needed a friend of my own and if Harry couldn’t handle it then he wasn’t a real friend. Little had we known that I was the thing he couldn’t handle.

"I wonder how the party is going." Liam suddenly said, more to himself. It was already dark outside, shortly before midnight and I just came out of the bathroom, where I had figured out that I didn’t even look as stupid with wet hair as I had all day long today.

"I’d prefer being there now instead of watching this." I crawled over him so I didn’t have to be so close to the TV, which wasn’t so easy because unlike everything else in this house, my couch was pretty small.

"It’s not that scary, you’ll see." He smiled at me, but I glared back, which made him laugh. This time he had actually brought clothes of his own, but still had forgotten to bring me my shirt back, so I told him once again that I didn’t care.

Of course, it turned out that Liam had lied, I mean, maybe not in his eyes, who knew what scary meant for him, but after some time I just didn’t care anymore, and just took the blanket that was actually meant for him to sometimes hide when it got too much.

Liam found my behavior hilarious of course, but he also didn’t seem like this just passed him by, I saw his face freeze a few times, too, which would’ve calmed me down if this wouldn’t have meant that I wasn’t able to look anymore when Liam was scared as well. He’d sometimes tell me comforting things and tried to point out funny facts, but it didn’t really help.

At the end, I felt exactly how I had expected to, overly paranoid and shaking a bit.

"You look a bit pale." Liam commented on my face, having to hold back a laugh.

"Be quiet, you liar." I was too scared to be mean, just pulled his blanket higher while looking around nervously. "I really wished I hadn’t a second door in my room." Because now I had to keep staring at it the whole time, waiting for it to open up by itself.

"Hey Niall? You wanna play seek and hide in the basement?" Of course he bursted out laughing, even I joined a bit, but only because I was so nervous, it wasn’t funny anymore.

"Stop it, Liam, it’s your fault I’m shaking, see?" I stretched out my hand to show him how I wasn’t able to keep it still, no idea why I even had to point it out, it was embarrassing enough already.

He tried to stop laughing and took my hand in his quickly, checking if it was really that bad, it was by the way, before letting go again, I didn’t want him to, I was so scared, anything that showed me that I wasn’t alone was a bit of a relief.

I stretched slightly to check the clock then, two am, and caught Liam yawning, well I was tired as well, but I was scared I’d be killed so…

"We could leave on the lights." I suggested with not much hope in my voice.

"No one’s gonna get into your house, you have like ten alarm systems and your door is locked." Liam reminded me, not really getting my joke that hadn’t really been one.

"If I’m gonna get killed then I’ll hope you’ll be satisfied." Yeah, I was a pussy, he grinned a bit.

"Nothing’s going to happen." But he wasn’t as calm as he pretended to be, he just tried to appear like that, which wasn’t difficult, compared to me he could’ve been called relaxed.

"That’s what they think in movies like that, too." We really shouldn’t have watched this, I should’ve made him watch like disney movies with me instead. Okay, no, just kidding.

"I promise you, okay?" Now he seemed to be serious again, which didn’t mean that I believed him, he couldn’t even promise me that, he just wanted to calm me down. Well, he did a better job than Harry usually did who would tell me he needed to go to the toilet just to jump around the corner screaming, taking advantage of how much I was already about to pee my pants.

"Promise me all you want, that’s not gonna change a thing." I waited a bit, then, as I was about to get up and sprint over to my bed, I was getting so scared that I couldn’t move anymore and curled up on the sofa again. "I can’t go over there, I’m sorry." While saying this I snuggled into his blanket.

Liam sighed, moving closer, leaning one arm on my knees that I had pressed to my chest. It seemed normal that he did that, nothing felt weird with him anymore to be honest.

"Sorry for making you watch this, I didn’t think you’d…" He bit his lip, obviously searching for words that wouldn’t sound mean.

"It’s okay." As long as the lights were still on, after that I’d probably faint. "Be happy, now you get to sleep in my bed, I guess it’s more comfortable than the couch." I tried to smile, which didn’t work, so I went with not looking so frightened anymore.

While I was trying to get control over my facial expressions again, Liam let his eyes wander over to where my bed was, I was surprised at how long he kept sitting there, his arm still on my knees, then he suddenly looked at me again, not so brave anymore.

"That’s pretty far, isn’t it." It came out slowly, as if he was scared of my reaction.

"Why do you think I don’t want to go there?" I wouldn’t laugh at him now for being afraid too, because it wouldn’t be really convincing.

"What now?" He asked, while getting more paranoid as the seconds passed by.

"We stay here, we have no other option." So I shrugged, somehow proud of myself that I had picked a bigger blanket than last time.

"But there’s hardly any space." Liam complained, letting go of me now, still unsure of what to do, but I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t even want him to leave, being here all by myself was almost as bad as standing up and just walking around, my bed at least had a wall next to it, the couch was in the middle of somewhere.

"I changed my mind by the way, you can’t have my bed anymore." I just said it like that, not even blushing anymore, while letting go of the blanket a bit, so he could have some as well. "That’s all your fault anyway, now live with the consequences." It was planned to come out confident, but my voice was still shaking with fear, so Liam looked at me, a bit worried.

"I guess I’ll have to. Can I turn off the lights?" He didn’t seem to be too excited about this either, but we both knew that we’d never sleep in with a lighting like this, so I nodded, slowly.

Wow, this got even worse in the darkness, I thought I could see silhouettes everywhere.

"Ow, Niall, you just kicked me, turn around, this is not gonna work, I won’t sleep with your feet next to me." I wouldn’t even sleep at all, so I followed his wish, really quick, so I kicked him once again accidentally, before I lied down next to him. Luckily I wasn’t the one with the floor next to me, yay, but I was still scared, even though hearing Liam breathing now was a bit calming, but my heart was still beating too fast and I didn’t dare to close my eyes.

"You’re shaking." Liam suddenly pointed out, he could probably feel it because we were sharing a blanket, which was the most normal part of this, trust me.

"I know, I told you before." Don’t know why, but I didn’t dare to speak louder, so I sticked with whispering. "You’re actually lucky I won’t be able to fall asleep, because I move a lot when I do."

"I wouldn’t really care about that now." I barely noticed the worry he carried in his voice, I was more busy with trying to figure out where that red light came from until I realized that it was the TV, god what if it would go on like that all night long? Or the next? And like, for another week or so, that had happened to me once, it had been a nightmare and I slept in at school three times.

"You should try and sleep, who knows maybe someone’s gonna sneak out of the bathroom and kill us, then you won’t have to watch." I giggled nervously at him groaning, when actually I had meant it exactly like I had said it.

"Please stop imaging things like that? That’s not gonna help either of us." He turned, his hair brushing my cheek as he did, even that nearly made me jump.

"I’m sorry, I just can’t help but come up with things like that all the time, but you should really sleep." Just because I was about to die here shouldn’t keep him from getting his sleep, I was still shaking, it was even hard to talk, but I tried to calm down, so I wouldn’t disturb him that much. It didn’t work.

"Okay, enough of that." Liam suddenly decided after we’ve been lying in silence and I had already tried to accept the fact that I’d have to stay up alone, but he suddenly moved closer to me, we were almost touching now, his breath hit my forehead. I couldn’t back away of course, but I also didn’t want to, this was better.

"What are you doing?" Anyway, even if I didn’t mind I wondered what he was up to.

"I’m trying to make it better, this was my fault, remember? So come here now." His hand was somewhere on my shoulder, slightly rubbing it, I found myself enjoying this too much, but who could blame me, I had just watched the worst movie ever and if I was about to die then who cares. Besides that, his words still didn’t make sense.

"What?" That made Liam chuckle quietly before he repeated himself.

"Come here, Niall, you are shaking less already." Right after he had finished, he pulled me closer, so basically, I could feel our legs touch and his one arm on my back, pressing me into him, that calmed down, even though it surprised me.

I needed some time to get used to this, I had never slept this close to anyone, weirdo remember, but after a while I got used to it and snuggled up into his arms automatically, which he really didn’t seem to mind, just started playing with my hair, which distracted me so much that I actually got tired now.

I wondered how it had happened that we had managed to get this close after these few days, how came I trusted him so much and even slept like this with him next to me now, I have never even shared that small space with Harry once. Well okay, Harry would’ve just stood up and walked over to my bed before falling asleep ten seconds later and taking my chance of ever sleeping in away with snoring.

Liam didn’t, I could hardly hear him breath just felt it on my skin slightly, but that was it.

When I was about to actually fall asleep, he stopped moving his hand in my hair and I moaned, moving in his arms. “Hmm… why’d you stop?”

"Sorry." Liam chuckled, trying to be quiet before continuing, making me sleepy again. "Now you should really sleep in quick or my hand will fall off."

"I’ll try, but-"

"Sht. Sleep, Nialler, remember?" I barely thought about this nickname, I know I had said bad things about the ones my mum used, but this one was fine and usually people never came up with any, and if only Liam used it then, whatever, I just tried to follow his advice instead of wondering about that.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day, we overslept like half of it, yes I know, no one came to wake us up, my mum didn’t seem to care that I wouldn’t show up for breakfast and my dad probably wasn’t even home yet.

Liam was still asleep, I guess he wasn’t a morning person at all, that would at least explain why he came like four hours too late for school.

I felt good, actually, not scared anymore, when I blinked against the light and stared right into Liam’s face, the next thing was his arm on my waist, loose now. This all reminded me of how I had slept in and his hand dropped next to my head was proof enough that he really had kept this up till I fell asleep. Crazy.

So when I sat back up, slowly, it still woke him up as well, he stretched before looking up at me with tired looking eyes.

"Niall." He muttered, before being stopped by yawning.

"What?" I nearly laughed at him for having such a hard time to be fully awake.

"You are the hardest person ever to sleep on a couch with, I hope you realize that." Liam didn’t sound mad, maybe this came from his sleepiness.

"I didn’t do anything." At least nothing I could remember, oh my god, what if I did things when I was asleep?

"Yes you did. You nearly pushed me off once." It took him really long to sit up as well now, rubbing his eyes, but still not sounding anything near mad. "Oh, and when I went to the bathroom you wouldn’t want to let me go." Now he chuckled softly and I blushed, great, I’d never sleep with him anywhere ever again. Okay this sounded really wrong now.

"I was asleep." What a poor excuse, but not defending myself would’ve been even more embarrassing.

"Yeah, but you nearly started crying when I was gone for like two minutes and I had a hard time calming you down." I was looking down when he said that, playing with the blanket and wondering what I could respond, because I couldn’t remember anything, but it still seemed a bit strange, so I said it out loud.

"And yet you didn’t sleep in my bed." Obviously he hadn’t been scared anymore if he was able to go to the bathroom, why stay with me if I was so annoying and kicked him and stuff?

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright and able to sleep." I looked up at this, but he just shrugged, not really making it seem like it was a big deal.

"Well, thanks." How come this made me feel weird, maybe it was because I wouldn’t have expected this from him, yeah, I had planned to watch out for him, but now it had been the other way around and that confused me. Why was everything so complicated and so hard to figure out?

"Is that all I get for being so incredibly nice?" Liam made it sound real dramatic, but the way he smiled at me messed it all up again, so I rolled my eyes, trying to throw a pillow at him, which he just took out of my hand before it even came close his face.

"This was your fault anyway, you made me cry in my sleep, I hope you are proud of yourself." Maybe if I acted like I didn’t care and made jokes about it it would stop making me want to hide forever.

I didn’t wait for his answer and just got up, but all he did was laughing at me anyway, or maybe at me walking away like that. It definitely was because of me, but it didn’t make me mad, somehow it never bothered me when he made fun of me, I was just too pleased hearing him laugh. Wow, when had we gotten to that stage?

"Are you mad at me now?" He asked through the room, and yes, he had to talk louder because it was so big.

"No." I just said, because I didn’t know anything else and anyway this was the truth, right.

It all ended with him staying here the whole rest of the day, because at some point, after we had gotten over the stupid part involving my mum and breakfast, he started talking about the party again, that was when I realized that I didn’t want him to leave yet, so I made up excuses of why he had to say. Like that he would have to help Lora clean up. Or deal with people probably still there and drunk. Anyway, I wouldn’t have needed to think of something like that, because he didn’t seem to mind staying.

He was like the first person ever to be able to put up with me for more than 24 hours straight.

So no one could blame me that I didn’t really know what to do after I had brought him back home, luckily his sister didn’t see me, we had agreed on keeping this to ourselves, we didn’t need more drama than we already had.

Like, it never got boring during all those hours, we’d always find some stuff to do or talk about, even if it involved him laughing at things I kept in my room but I made sure to pay him back okay.

So basically, this was just too nice to be true, I didn’t deserve it, this couldn’t last, he’d find out about me, don’t know how, but he would and then everything would be gone and I’d be miserable at my best again. That’s what scared me the most, that had even been the reason why I didn’t wanna let him in like that. But I had, and now it was too late.

My thoughts were so disturbing and senseless, I checked my phone out of boredom and frustration, not really expecting anything, but I had a few text messages. Guess from who. Harry. They were from last night when I had just thrown my phone somewhere, not giving a fuck.

My heart was beating painfully fast as I just sat there and stared, not even having the messages opened yet, but I was so scared, I first of all had to take a break from how scared yet hopeful I was. I really thought like they were either him telling me he hated me or making things alright again.

Funny, our “fight” wasn’t even mentioned. At least I could be sure that he definitely had been at the party. And got wasted like shit, I had to figure out what those words meant, he wasn’t good at writing and being drunk as well…not good.

'Niall, please you need to help me' Maybe he got cut off or so, so he wrote me a second one saying 'I miss Louis so much I don't know what to do', and the third and last one 'I think I love him'.

Okay.

My head was spinning, I read the messages over and over again, trying to think of anything else they could say, he made a terribly load of spelling mistakes and forgot letters, but there was no way he could’ve meant something else.

Now, what should I do? Could he even remember? And if yes, was this the truth? It would make sense for sure, him not wanting to tell me anything about Louis, never mentioning him ever again after that.

I guess the only thing to clear this up was to call him, something I had promised myself I wouldn’t do, but this was different, it wouldn’t be me begging him to be my friend again, it would just show that I cared. And that’s exactly what he had blamed me for not doing, right.

"Niall?" He sounded surprised, but also a bit annoyed maybe. I wanted to hang up already.

"Hmm… yes." Just for a few seconds, then I could just pretend that it never happened and cry over how much I even missed his voice.

"What’s the matter?" Okay, he definitely didn’t know about the messages, I didn’t know if this was good or not.

"Well… you wrote me some… text messages last night."

"I never write any." Was all he said, but it seemed like he was curious now.

"Yeah, I know. That’s why I called you… you better check." I chewed around on my lip, it didn’t really hurt anymore, too excited about us having a normal conversation again.

"Hmm… okay, I’ll call you back in a sec." Then he hung up, he’d never call me ever again, right?

That’s what I told myself, so I jumped when my phone vibrated again, my hands shaking when I picked up just to hear Harry being all silent.

"And?" I dared to ask after it got too awkward.

"I…don’t know… I mean yes, I’ve written them but… I was drunk and…shit." The last word wasn’t really meant for my ears I think, he said it all quiet and then sighed heavily.

"We don’t need to talk about this." We can also talk about anything else, just please please don’t hang up.

"I know but… Remember when you asked me what happened when I was hanging out with Louis and I told you that nothing happened worth telling you about?" Harry sniffed. Wait, what?

"Yes…?" I shouldn’t have been so curious about this, he sounded like he was about to start crying right there.

"Well…I lied to you, I’m sorry." Now he took a deep breath, obviously trying to calm down, but it didn’t seem to work out properly, because he sounded just the same as before. "I messed it up."

"What did you mess up?" Unlike him I was whispering, too worried about him.

"Everything!" Now he was literally crying and yelling into the phone, I had to hold it away from my ear a bit, but then he luckily continued in a somewhat normal voice, the only difference was that he had to sob sometimes. "I’m so sorry, Niall, I never wanted to be so mean to you, but it all just kept adding up. There was you and then suddenly there also was the problem with Louis and I couldn’t take it anymore. What happened when we were hanging out, well… I kinda… kissed him." After the last sentence was out he just continued to cry, my heart was like breaking, okay, I nearly started bawling myself, he never cried, ever.

"Harry, that’s okay, please calm down. What did Louis do after that?" I was afraid it hadn’t been a good reaction.

"I don’t know, I ran away and never answered his calls again." Okay, at least the explained why he never mentioned him again, god, I felt so bad for him.

"You should really talk to him, you know." Maybe he had a chance? Hopefully, if not I’d find Louis and beat the shit out of him. Okay… well it would probably never come to that, but in this moment I really felt like it.

"But I’m scared." The fact that he was still crying and that his voice was about break away didn’t really help me stop hating Louis more with every second. What was the matter with him, why didn’t he show up on Harry’s door and MADE him to talk to him? But then again, I also hadn’t done that.

"You’ll always wonder if you don’t." Somehow I was jealous, not because obviously he was gay now too, but because his problem was solvable.

"Okay." The sobbing was killing me, I wanted to hug him so bad, but he tried to calm down after that, still sounding like a puppy being beaten. "I’m sorry, I shouldn’t even bother you with that shit…"

"No, you’re not bothering me, you’re my best friend." I felt a bit relieved now, because it showed that I still wanted things going back to the way they were.

Harry sighed, but his voice was firm again after that. “Why are you still doing this, Niall? I treated you like shit, I left you alone, just like that. You don’t even judge me, hell I just confessed that I’m gay!”

"I don’t care if you’re gay or whatever, you had reasons to tell me all this stuff, it was the truth and I’m sorry you had to put up with me so much." Maybe this meant we were good again? Please.

"I… god, can we just pretend nothing happened? I even miss you getting annoyed when I get excited about things you hate." He even laughed again, this felt really good, hearing him laugh, I felt myself smiling.

"Yeah, let’s just forget about it." Thank god.

"Look at it from a positive side, I would’ve never been able to confess this to you if we hadn’t had this fight. Oh, and you’ll need have to hear me talking about girls again." Right, I knew there had been something else that seemed strange, what was up with him and all his girlfriends?

"Funny, how you were the one telling me I need to date one." Somehow, I didn’t really want to ask by myself, I hadn’t asked Liam about it, now I also didn’t wanna bring it up to Harry, so I sticked with wherever he decided to take this.

"Because it would be good for you, but I promise, I’ll never encourage you again, I see why you don’t want to, you know." His laugh wasn’t fake at all, he really just made jokes about himself being gay. What.

"You certainly didn’t seem like you would." I was confused again now, even though the happiness of having him back was still there.

"Okay, well… can I be honest with you?" It was like a rhetorical question, so I just waited for him to build up enough courage and tell me. "I just wanted all these girls as… cover up. I was scared if someone found out that I’m not straight then… damn, they would’ve all started to me make fun of me. You’re still the only one who knows, please, this needs to stay our secret, promise me?" Harry was desperate, he seemed to forget that I would be even more fucked if he said anything.

"You know all of my secrets as well, so no, I won’t tell anyone, who do you think I am?" At least I knew who I was, a bad friend, don’t know why but I thought of Liam again and my mood dropped immediately.

"Thanks. Now let’s not talk about this any longer, I’ll try to make this up with Louis, even though it will probably not work out, but I’ll get over him. Hopefully." For a second I thought he would exactly do that, talk about it again, but then he suddenly made me feel uncomfortable as well with his question. "So, what have you been up to?"

"Well I… nothing really." I pressed my eyes shut, it was overwhelming how bad it made me feel to still not be able to confess to him that I really liked Liam and how often we had slept in the same room and all this stuff. I still thought he’d get mad at me for it and I couldn’t risk this, I had just gotten him back.

"Be happy you weren’t invited to Lora’s party, I think she hates you by the way, but anyway it was crazy…" So that was everything we talked about then, like nothing had ever happened, he was still excited and hyper and I was still just listening. But that was okay, really, I was pleased with the fact that he didn’t bring up Liam and forced me to lie again.

After we had hung up again, I lied in my bed and had to fight back tears, it wasn’t because I was sad, I had no reason to right now, but because I was so confused and unsure of what to do.

I had exactly two friends, who thought of each other as freaks, were completely different and, to top that, both gay. And one of them didn’t even know that I was friends with the other.

Did this make me a bad friend? I had known Harry for so much longer, but, I hated to admit this, Liam was more like me and I felt closer to him, like he would actually be more interested in how I felt, Harry had his friends and all that, I just didn’t know anymore.

There was nothing I could do about this now, I couldn’t just change the way I felt about them, all I knew was that I was fucking scared about monday.

I didn’t want Liam to feel like I had just used him but I also didn’t want Harry to think that I had replaced him after two days. God!

It also didn’t help that my dad asked me some sarcastic question about Liam and that my mum hugged me and told me that I could take as much time as I wanted to date girls. Like, hello? I wasn’t asking for permission to stay single, what was wrong with people.

The only thing that was cheering me up a bit was texting with Liam, yes I am aware of the fact that we had spent more than a whole day together, but it was fun okay, which shouldn’t mean that I felt bad about it, because of Harry.

So I told him I was tired, stupid of me, he knew that I had slept too long today anyway, but he wished me a good night. And I even got a smiley.

Shouldn’t be so excited about this.

 

Waking up on sunday, I was sure I would die the next day, so this meant I would probably stay up all night again and then go to school looking like shit and mess everything up because I couldn’t think clear due to tiredness.

"Oh, Niall, I need to tell you something." My mum said when we had breakfast, now that Liam wasn’t there anymore she forced us to sit together again, even though me and my dad nearly slept in over our plates, but it didn’t matter, she talked for the three of us.

"What?" I mumbled, staring into my orange juice, still worrying.

"Your therapist is on holidays, so you can’t go to her on tuesday. But she said that you’ll be fine and that I should remind you of what you two had agreed on." It clearly seemed to bother her that she didn’t know what exactly it was, but I didn’t care, because talking to my therapist had been like my last hope to clear this mess up and now she left me, great. I was insane, was this even legal.

"Why didn’t she tell me?" Then I could’ve at least prepared myself… no, I couldn’t have, that was probably exactly why she hadn’t told me.

"I don’t know, I told you I don’t like her. You want someone else?" My mum was already hopeful, but I shook my head, so she dropped the topic quickly, before my dad got involved, because he looked like it. "Anyway, don’t you want to invite Harry over, he hasn’t been here for a while."

"He’s busy." He always was, otherwise he would’ve called me.

"I definitely like him better than Liam." My dad threw in and I had to hold back a sigh, if he only knew, he’d assume that I was gay too and this would be like the end of the world.

"You’ve never met Liam." I reminded him, trying to sound normal, but I was just getting mad again.

"But I do know that his family moved here because he was bullied at school, what a wimp." The fuck was that?

"Who told you that?" Now my voice was getting harsher, I realized that myself, but the warning look from my mum didn’t help, I kept glaring at my dad.

"His father. I had to get the car repaired and he works there so we kinda talked and he told me." Dad just shrugged, not even caring a little bit that I had to resist the urge and yell.

"Okay, but stop calling him things like that." Did I really just put up a fight because of this?

"I call him whatever I want, because it’s the truth. Anyway, I just wanted to warn you, in case you haven’t known this already, maybe you shouldn’t hang out with him so much, stick to Harry, he’s a real man." Yeah, dad, he’s gay.

"Mum, can I go to my room?" I asked, without even bother to give an answer to this, she just nodded, a bit confused now, well she wasn’t the only one.

Apparently I wouldn’t be able to count on my dad anymore, nice to know, hopefully Liam’s dad didn’t share stories about his son with anyone else or we would both be dead once people at school found out. Maybe they already had.

 

On monday, I had managed to sleep for four hours, my stomach felt like I had to throw up, but Harry was there again, hugging me all of a sudden and out of nowhere, I held him a bit too tight maybe, but he lot go quickly anyway. Okay, I liked hugging Liam better and it was sick that I could say that.

"Wow, you look really green." He pointed out when we walked towards the building like we had done so many times, only had I never felt so sick before.

"I’m tired." That didn’t explain anything, but whatever, it was the truth.

"Sorry. Hey, guess what." Harry grinned at me widely, showing his teeth.

"What?" I brought out, getting curious even though I didn’t feel good.

"Louis and me are going to talk after school, I managed to write him yesterday." Okay, at least one of us had a bit of luck, I smiled at him, truly happy for him.

"That’s great, I hope it works out."

"Yeah…only Zayn would probably throw me out." The laugh got stuck in his throat, because we both knew that this was actually accurate.

"Then you just move in with me." Only that my dad would throw him out as well if he found out, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

So I was both excited and afraid for Liam to come through that door, but somehow he just wouldn’t, at least not until the teacher was in for at least ten minutes, then he suddenly came, the whole class staring at him, he didn’t look good.

"Excuse me I… overslept." The teacher didn’t care and shrugged, so Liam hurried to get back to our place, people would have to turn around in order to be able to stare at him, so they gave up as soon as he sat down.

"You overslept again?" I nearly chuckled, but then I saw his face and didn’t. Before he could even respond I realized how he held his hand and quickly kept him from hiding it from me. He had blood on the back of it, god, what had he been doing. "Liam?" I asked, still holding his hand in mine and he sighed, before looking at the teacher, pretending to listen.

"This guy, he was saying like… things about you and I got mad so… " He shrugged, as if he wanted me to just take it and never think about it again.

"You put up a fight?" Because of me?

"And I scared the shit out of them." Liam actually sounded proud, but his smile just looked sad, before he dropped it again and took his hand away from mine, sighing. "But now they probably hate you even more, I’m sorry, I haven’t thought about that."

"Why are you punching people because of me?" I didn’t really care about the other part here.

"I got mad, they just make up things about you and spread them." He looked at me, worried suddenly. "Why are you so pale? Don’t you feel good?" No, I didn’t, I still felt like throwing up and now the urge got even worse.

"What kinda things?" How did this happen? Harry and me were friends again, I thought that would keep things like that from happening.

"Stupid ones." Liam did it off, still studying my face and suddenly touching my forehead. "Are you sure you’re alright? I think you’re a bit too warm." He slowly let his hand drop again, but never let his eyes off of me, I just nodded.

"Yeah, I’m fine." Only scared to death and fucking tired and like my stomach was trying to kill me.

At the end of the period, I felt even worse, it was hard to concentrate on anything other, so Liam had to repeat everything, until he finally had enough.

"Okay, that’s it, give me your car keys, now." He actually had to help me stand straight now, good thing everyone hated us, so no stared at me for being pathetic like this.

"What? Why?" Had he lost his mind now or what did I miss out on.

"I’ll drive you home, you’re pale as fuck and your forehead is burning." I couldn’t know if he was right, but his description fitted to what I was feeling.

"No, we have school." And how would I explain this to anyone?

"I don’t care, come on." Liam kept his hand on my back, leaving me no choice but to walk with him, because actually I was afraid now to go through the school alone, these people obviously wanted to do things to me and I had no idea why, but then again, why wouldn’t they? I was the perfect victim, Harry wouldn’t be able to help me out of this, everyone probably thought he was just friends with me out of pity and Liam starting to throw punches now would only make them more furious, god, hopefully I’d never meet them all by myself.

"Liam, what if we get in trouble for skipping school so often?" I had my head leaned against the window when he pulled out of the school area, fighting hard not to throw up over myself, but then I remembered Harry and that he probably thought that we would spend lunch again together, so I wrote him once again that I was sick, this time it was even true, and wished him good luck with Louis. That should be enough, I’d call him in the evening and let him tell me everything, that’d satisfy him, for sure.

"I don’t think we will, but you’re sick, you won’t get into any trouble." Liam threw a glance at me, maybe hoping I looked better, but judging by the expression on his face, it had gotten worse.

"My dad will kill me." Probably I shouldn’t have brought this up, but for some reason I got actually scared now.

"Why? You’re sick, Nialler." Of course he couldn’t know, we never talked about my parents, maybe because I had to put up with them so often that I didn’t want to have conversations about them now as well.

"He doesn’t want me to be like I am. I had to tell him that I got into a fight when my lip was like bloody, and he found it great." It was a bit of a relief, being able to complain.

"What? Why would he like that?" Liam really didn’t seem to understand it, so that was great, because I didn’t either.

"I don’t know, he just likes to think I’m popular at school and not a loser who goes home because he is sick…" I had lowered my voice now, sounding a bit depressed actually.

"It’s not your fault." He seemed to notice that I didn’t like talking about it, but luckily we arrived at my house, so that ended the conversation anyway.

"Is your mum at home?" Oh, shit, right, she was out with he friends every monday, great, now I’d probably get into even more trouble for being alone at home and skipping school, she’d get the wrong idea of it and dad would be disappointed, perfect.

"No…" All I really wanted was to get into my bed, but I didn’t want Liam to leave.

"Okay, come on, I’ll make sure you make it upstairs alive." It should be a joke I believe, but he actually really did exactly that, why did he care so much, I only thought of this now, but he really could get into serious trouble for both leaving school so often and also for punching this guy, which was all because of me and he didn’t seem to care one bit.

I didn’t bother to do anything, but just curled up under my blanket, wishing I was dead right now, while Liam sat down on the edge of my bed.

"If you want, I’ll borrow you my car." No idea how I’d get to school tomorrow, or what Lora would say or how he’d get home or whatever, it didn’t even matter.

"Thanks…do you have like something at home so you’ll feel better?" He was staring down at me as if this really were my last minutes alive or so.

But honestly, I didn’t think that I was sick, like not really, more as if I was feeling like that because I had worried so much and because shit things just kept happening, he wouldn’t find anything against that, so I just shook my head. “No, but never mind, I’ll be fine.”

"I hope so." Liam still didn’t get up, I wished he would, not because I wanted him to, but because I knew it was unpreventable, so better now. "Well… you can call me if you need anything, okay?" Did this mean he’d stand up during class and walk out? Somehow I think it did.

"Yeah… thanks, Liam." I was fighting hard with myself not to tear up, I always got emotional when I was sick.

So he looked down at me, but when he was about to actually get up, I decided I couldn’t take it and grabbed his wrist. “Wait.”

"What’s the matter?" He sat back down, as if he was glad I had stopped him or something, staring at me again and how I chewed on my bottom lip out of nervousness.

"Can you… stay? I mean, you can also leave, that’s okay. Sorry, you better go back to school." God I was so damn stupid, I just chickened out, I shouldn’t have stopped him at all and just cried to myself as soon as he was gone, but no, that would require that I was sane.

But Liam didn’t laugh at me this time, he just smiled a bit. “Of course I can stay.”

"Really? I don’t want to force you to anything." Now it was easy to say that, because he hadn’t sounded as if he wanted to go back to school and I got a warm feeling in my stomach because of his reaction.

"You’re not forcing me, I actually feel better knowing you’re not alone." Hmm… maybe my mum wouldn’t get mad at me then, if Liam told her that he had been there the whole time watching over me, she’d love him even more for that.

"Okay." So I moved a bit after smiling at him quickly, making some room for him and not just the edge of my bed.

"But if you sleep in, please don’t kick me again." He laughed before sitting down next to me and leaning against the wall, now he was half sitting and half lying while I was still curled up under my blanket.

"I’ll try my hardest." Happy that he stayed, I didn’t mind that he brought up that embarrassing night, anyway, I wouldn’t sleep in now, didn’t want to get weird and start crying again while doing so.

This reminded me once again of what was going wrong here, what was the matter with me, why did I let him do this, I should run as far as I could and not get attached, this could only end bad.

"Liam…" Now I also remembered something I hadn’t thought of in a while, I was so selfish.

"What?" He moved immediately so he could look at me, probably thinking I’d start complaining about being sick now and overreact, but no, I may felt like crap, but I would still try and act normal somewhat.

"I…I forgot to ask you, but… have you…" First, he seemed confused, but I think my obvious stare onto his hip cleared that up, he looked away from me.

"No, don’t worry. I told you, I don’t do it often." Somehow I didn’t know wether I could believe him, so I turned to the side and just reached out to pull up his shirt, just to be relieved because he had told me the truth. The cuts were healing, but of course they were still very visible. And still triggering.

Liam wasn’t looking at them but into my face, somehow I think I had been too obvious, so I just quickly let go of him again and turned onto my back, trying to act like nothing had happened.

"Niall…" He started, but I put my arm over my eyes, secretly blaming myself for this now, I knew what would come next "When… you know, I don’t want to assume things here, but…" Yeah, he knew.

"Please don’t ask me that now." Somehow, yes, this was like a confession, I just didn’t wanna lie to him okay, and if he asked if I cut as well, I could just say no, because I didn’t, but somehow that would just be an excuse, and anyway, if I said yes then I could as well tell him the whole story, and trust me, he wouldn’t walk out the door, he’d run.

"Okay, I won’t, but if you change your mind…" I could tell him that I would never change my mind, and even if, I’d still keep it my secret, but that would be mean and I was sick, so I made it sound like that was a possible thing to happen.

"Okay." Actually, if I was him I’d probably just walk out now and leave me alone, I mean he was fucking nice and stayed with me and I just behaved like this, ugh. I hated myself for this, so much that I started to feel even worse, I turned away from him, facing the wall now and pressing my eyes shut.

"You want me to call your mum?" Hell no, she’d start screaming if she saw me like this, but I couldn’t blame Liam for coming up with that, he probably was freaking out at how much I overreacted.

"No, I’m fine." My lies were getting less convincing, maybe I should at least stop clenching my teeth together in pain and talk normal in order to become more believable.

But Liam just sighed, obviously he had figured it out, well he would have to be really stupid if he believed me, so he hesitated for a second before turning and suddenly running his fingers through my hair again. I felt myself stiffening for a second, then I decided I could just enjoy it and judge myself for it later, and for the way he sent tingles down my spine with that movement.

We’d stay silent, because he probably thought I had fallen asleep, still continuing to stroke my hair with slow motions, I would’ve drifted away, but I didn’t because I felt too miserable and cold, despite the blanket.

So I decided I needed to change my position and since Liam was there taking half of the space, I somehow thought it was a good idea to turn and move so close that I somehow ended up cuddled into his side, not giving a fuck right now, this was MY bed alright, I could lie wherever I wanted to without having to blush or so.

He seemed to agree with me on that, not saying a word, just shifting us both a little so he wasn’t so close to the edge anymore, probably thought I’d push him over or so, before just keeping up his attempts to making me feel better.

Okay, it would be a lie to say that being here with him like that didn’t make me feel kinda weird, and I didn’t mean this in a bad way, I’ve just never felt like that before so how do I know what to call it.

All I knew was that I never wanted to move again and just stay like this forever, his fingers in my hair relaxing me and his smell that was stuck on his shirt where I had my face next to surrounding me. Okay, fine, maybe I was a little too sick, I should probably take some pills.

"Nialler?" Liam suddenly whispered, I began to really like that nickname.

"Hm?" Now it was getting harder to stay awake, but I tried really hard, even though my eyes were already closed and it also didn’t help that he had moved from playing with my hair to stroking my temple with his thumb.

"Your phone vibrated." I moaned and blinked as I opened my eyes, acting really helpless while leaning onto his stomach to reach my phone. Harry. Nothing interesting, and for that I had just given up my warm and comfy place next to Liam.

"Just Harry." My voice was barely even there, sounding cracky, I felt exhausted from only curling back into his side, closer this time, I had gotten cold from sitting up.

"Are you cool with him again?" He wanted to know after chuckling about my behavior, unfortunately he didn’t start with his soothing attempts again and I didn’t know how to make him.

"Yeah…everything’s okay." But please don’t just fucking lie here and do nothing.

"That’s good. But anyway it would’ve really surprised me if he had managed to stay mad at you for any longer." Now I sat up again, to look at his face, even though it was hard because my head was spinning.

"What do you mean?" Liam laughed, then he shook his head.

"Nothing." Okay, well I didn’t really care so much, so I decided I’d shrug and maybe just close my eyes and ignore the fact that I still felt like crap.

When I put my head down again, I felt that I had accidentally lied down on his arm, but I didn’t care, it would’ve been too exhausting to move away again, he could do that if it bothered him. He never did, by the way.

It turned out that I was really bad at surviving with only four hours of sleep and when Liam started to FINALLY make me relax again, I decided that he couldn’t mind so much if I slept in since he already knew that what he was doing made me sleepy.

 

I woke up, alone, and it was dark outside. Ugh. Liam was gone for sure by now… and where was my mum?

So I rolled out of bed, almost slipped because my knees were so weak, but I realized immediately that even though I was tired, I felt almost healthy again.

My way downstairs was a bit of a challenge, but I found my mum in the kitchen, she rushed over to me in no time, touching my forehead and stuff, I just let her, didn’t even say anything.

"Are you okay? Do you feel sick? I can call a doctor or…" It went on like that, until I gave myself a push and shook my head weakly, rubbing my eyes.

"No, I’m fine." She wasn’t even mad, only worried, that was good.

"Okay, you better sit down again, I don’t want you to pass out here." Before I could react she had already made me sit down on a chair.

"How did Liam…wait, what did even happen?" Hopefully my dad wasn’t home yet, I could keep it a secret… shit, had it really come so far that I needed to think like that? Obviously yes.

My mum suddenly smirked, leaning on the counter. “He told me everything, don’t worry, I’m not mad. Next time you better stay at home when you feel ill, okay?”

I just nodded, that hadn’t been the things I wanted to know. “How did Liam get home?”

"His dad picked him up." She shrugged, still smiling a bit too big, so I decided to ask.

"Why are you smiling like that, mum?" My question made her laugh, then she just turned around again, continuing what she had been up to before I had walked in, well more like tripping, but that was not the point.

"Liam is really nice, it was so cute how he took care of you, he seemed to be very worried about you." So that meant that basically… she had walked in on us.

"Yeah, well… " What could I have said? I had only been so … cuddly because it was just us and actually that was exactly why I had wanted to stay awake, so I could explain it to mum myself, poor Liam, I only caused him trouble.

"I’m just saying, he can come over anytime he wants to. You seem to… really get along." Now it was over with my self control, I blushed and looked down, in case she turned around or so.

"We’re friends." It sounded really weird coming out of my mouth, how sad was that.

"Seems like really good friends. Does Harry like him as well?" Hahaha, no.

"Why, does it matter?" Couldn’t I find friends on my own, god she was like all the people at my school.

"No, I was just wondering, I’ve never seen you sleeping so close next to Harry. So I can’t really imagine that he likes Liam, because you are his best friend." Right. Nice, how she needed to point out my biggest problem as if I wasn’t going crazy because of it already. Today I had managed to run away from it, but what now? God, it wouldn’t be so complicated if lunch time wouldn’t exist, that was just a way to make life even more terrible for people like me.

"Hm, he knows that he’s my best friend as well." Speaking of Harry, he was either crying or more happy than ever right now, I was scared, yet dying, to find out.

"Didn’t seem so when I came into the room." She turned to face me now, but still not looking really mad, more like lost in thoughts.

"I was sick." I tried to explain, but I shouldn’t have bothered to, what did it matter anyway, she had seen it by herself.

"I know, I was just saying, I like them both, and… they both seem to really be there for you when you need them." That was certainly right, and I hated that. Why did people care for me so much? That put me under pressure, I could never pay Harry back for what he had done, now I was about to cross the same line with Liam, I’d spend my whole life trying to make it up.

"Mum… can you not tell dad about this?" We shared a look, me being scared that she would yell and her a bit sad, but she nodded.

"Niall…he loves you, you know, but he just…" Didn’t love me, haha.

"He just wishes I was normal." Now that came out emotionless, I even shrugged before getting up, feeling my mum’s stare, but I was about to leave again, not wanting to talk about it, especially not with her, I didn’t wanna change sides all the time, it didn’t seem like any of them was really satisfied with me. Who could blame them.

"Well, I’ll go sleep a bit longer, so I can go to school tomorrow." She nodded, too worried to response or insist on me staying home for another day.

After I had showered and done everything I had to, I sat down on my bed again, staring at my phone. There were two numbers and I should probably call both of them, only which first? God.

I decided I’d call Harry first, I’d feel bad either ways, but then again, I had promised him that I would, Liam would just think that I was still asleep. Hopefully.

But even after a second attempt to call him, Harry wouldn’t pick up, now I was left wondering again.

I hoped that he had a really good reason not answer his phone now, I really wished that it was because Louis kept him distracted, but what if he just was too depressed to talk to me and tell me some bad news? Shit.

Instead of worrying, I called Liam.

He didn’t pick up either.

Okay. What was that again with “they both really seem to care about you”?

No, this was totally okay, they still had lives of their own, I’d just take some more pills and go to sleep.

Deep inside, I knew that I wasn’t okay with this at all, now I had a good idea of what it would be like once they both decided that I just wasn’t worth it, right, because that’s what would happen.

 

I was really curious when I arrived at school the next day, desperate to find out what Harry would have to tell me, but he didn’t show up like he usually did, only this time I also didn’t get a wave, because I couldn’t spot him at all. Hm.

Walking to the entrance wasn’t a god idea at all today, but I guess I was the only one to blame here, I didn’t pay attention, bumped right into some guy, who wouldn’t accept my mumbled apology. Well, probably because Liam had hit his jaw really hard yesterday. Shit.

"What? Now we’re getting confident?" He laughed, but I could tell he really was just mad.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to." As if that would do anything, I just tried to get some distance between us, there were people around us, sure, but I doubted that anyone would care if someone like me got beaten up by someone like him.

"I don’t give a fuck, you little piece of shit. Where’s Payne, huh? Or Styles? Did they leave you alone, aww, are you going to start crying now?" Before I could say anything else or get away he had already punched me hard into the stomach, I was able to stand up straight though, even if the pain was really bad. Then he’d suddenly come closer until he was able to whisper into my ear. "I’m not gonna do anything to you here where everyone can watch, so you better beware."

As stupid as that sounded, I was glad it had been my stomach, every step hurt, but I could take it, no one needed to know. Not even Liam.

I could imagine how mad he would get if I told him, but he shouldn’t be looking out for me so much, I didn’t need help.

So that was why I smiled through the pain when I came into class, sitting down next to him.

"Feeling better?" He asked, but not really expecting a negative answer.

"Yeah. I wanted to thank you… for yesterday, I tried to call you, but… anyway, thanks. And sorry you had to explain it to my mum." Shit, my stomach hurt.

"That’s okay, only Lora was really curious. But don’t worry, I just ignored her. And sorry for not picking up, I left my phone in my dad’s car." Liam smiled at me, making me feel bad for keeping so much things from him, but I didn’t let it show.

"I hope I behaved better this them when I was asleep." I didn’t really think that I had done anything until I heard Liam’s laugh, oh god.

"Well if we ignore the fact that you ended up more on top of me than next to me and I had a really hard time getting you to let go of my shirt when I wanted to get up, then no, nothing happened." There was a good chance that he was grinning at me, but I didn’t dare to look at him, my face was burning, it was impossible to look up now. "Your mum found it cute, though."

"Yeah… I know." What was the matter with me? I needed to ask my therapist if she could give me pills that prevented me from moving while I was asleep. Wait, this just sounded as if I planned on more nights like this, ha, ha, no, what.

"It’s okay, you don’t need to be embarrassed now, no one will ever know and I don’t mind, so." His voice sounded less as if he was about to fall onto the floor from laughing, but I still didn’t wanna check.

In fact, I worried about it during all the periods I was by myself, sitting somewhere, I barely even noticed that people had stopped taking the chairs next to me at all, usually no one minded my presence, but now they were like avoiding me as if I had a disease. Well, in their eyes it probably was one, called Liam Payne.

But as said, I didn’t care anymore, like suddenly school just went by, having two people to talk to was nice. The only problem were these guys threatening me, but I pushed it away, just once I went into a toilet and looked at the bruise. Really nice and big, but no one would ever see, I was used to pain, this should be fine.

What was actually really cool was that Lora and her friends completely acted like they hadn’t insulted me a few days ago.

So in fact, the whole school acted as if I was invisible.

When it was lunch break, I still hadn’t come up with a solution, but it seemed like this wasn’t my choice anyway, suddenly Harry grabbed my arm out of nowhere, pulling me a bit away from where his friends were.

I was scared to look at his face, but he looked like nothing was wrong, smiling all cheeky, like usual.

"Where have you been?" Of course this wasn’t the most accurate question for what I really wanted to know, but it was still strange that he had appeared just like that.

"Not so loud, Niall. I need to tell you something." Then he leaned forward, holding onto my arm and bringing his lips to my ear, I didn’t really like the way his hot breath hit my skin, but I didn’t pull away. "Louis brought me to school, but he took the wrong way first, so I came a bit late. And guess what, he stays with us again." Harry leaned back, grinning at me.

"So… what does that mean now?" Because I was much more interested into what had happened yesterday.

"Well…" Now his mood seemed to drop a bit, he avoided looking at me and shrugged. "I may have told him that I was a bit drunk because someone had brought alcohol to school."

"You lied to him? You didn’t tell him that you love him?" God, no, now this would start all over again, I wanted to actually shake him and ask him what the matter was, but his friends were already giving us stares.

"I couldn’t, I was too nervous, okay? I’ll tell him, just not in the next few days, don’t freak out." Harry rolled his eyes, making it seem as if I was the one who wanted this more than him.

"I’m not freaking out, I just want you to do this as soon as possible." The truth was, I rather was here and discussed his problems than dealing with mine.

"I will, I promise. Now come on." He was about to grab my wrist, but that got me back into reality again, I still hadn’t made a decision.

"Err… wait." I thought I had just spotted Liam’s hair, so I stretched to have a better sight and really there he was. God I couldn’t take him being by himself.

Harry had unfortunately followed to where my eyes went, now he was shocked. “What? You’re gonna sit with Payne?” Oh-oh.

"Well…" Why couldn’t I just already tell him the truth? He had confessed that he was gay, so what was my problem, I just needed to get it over, but I was even too scared to look at his face right now.

"So yes. Does that mean it’s true what people say?" Now I did look up, just to meet his confused eyes.

"What do they say?" My hands got sweaty from this, I suddenly remembered a lot of times when people had seen us together…or getting in my car. Of course, that’s why everyone hated me, right, of course Harry had heard it as well.

"That you and him are like…friends." It sounded like a joke, but when I didn’t give an answer, he let out a frustrated sigh. "Niall, he’s really not … I don’t know how to say this, but… are you sure you can trust him? Because I don’t."

"He’s really nice, Harry, give him a chance." I don’t know why, but suddenly I came up with the idea that they could be friends as well and then everything would be perfect. No, wait, it wouldn’t be perfect, that thought even made me jealous now, Liam was my friend, not his.

"How do you know? You only drove him home once and the other times you’re just sitting next to him." How could I talk myself out of this?

"Well, maybe…" Maybe we spend like every second day together.

"What? Listen, you can go sit with him, but please don’t expect me to make my friends treat him like they treat you." Like shit?

Harry didn’t really want me to go, but what could he say? He didn’t own me.

"I don’t, it’s okay… I just…." Why was this so difficult? Why wasn’t I fucking able to stand up for Liam?

"Yeah, whatever…see you later then." Harry seemed a bit hurt when he walked back to his friends, leaving me all alone for a moment with my stomach starting to get sick again, compared with the pain from the punch, I almost felt as bad again as I had yesterday, only this time I’d just overplay it.

"Hi." I simply said when I let myself drop next to Liam, trying to sit with my back to where Harry was, this made me feel paranoid, but it was better than constantly feeling the urge to check wether he was glaring at me.

Liam looked up in surprise, he had been doing something with his phone, actually he didn’t really seem to mind that much if he had to be by himself. Unlike me.

Anyway, his face lit up, but there was still confusion in his eyes when he quickly looked from me to where Harry was and back.

"Well, hi." Apparently he didn’t know how to bring the question out, so I just explained it to him.

"Harry doesn’t need me anyway when he’s with his friends." Okay, this sounded like he was just my second choice, he was, somehow, but no. "He just asked me if… if we’re friends." I looked away from Liam’s face, I mean I probably shouldn’t, he had been the one to use this word first, but it still felt weird to say.

"What did you say?" His voice was a bit too curious maybe.

"I said yes, because it’s true. He seemed a bit… confused, but he’ll be fine." Or something like that.

"I don’t want you to fight with him again because of me." When I checked his face, I actually could see worry, but he seemed to be happy about what I had done, so that cheered me up again and encouraged me to what I said then.

"I’m friends with whomever I want, and if I want to spend lunch with you it’s my decisions and not his, so don’t worry." I mean, okay, this may was a little bit of a lie, but it made Liam smile, therefore, made me smile.

 

Of course, things couldn’t work out for me, not only this one time, it was just not possible.

So when school was over, I was walking next to Liam, the first thing I saw when leaving the building was this guy that obviously wanted to destroy my life, I don’t know why, but he was the first one I spotted, I think I was so scared that I always kept it in the back of my mind.

However, this wouldn’t have been so bad, but then I suddenly saw Harry talking to him, not fighting, talking.

I think that was when I finally realized what was going on here, when he told me I should wait and see, he hadn’t meant that he would just stalk me and beat me to the ground as soon as we were alone, no, he didn’t mean physical hurting at all. He took the easy way, he sticked with the truth.

We were already too close for anything and Liam didn’t expect anything anyway, so the situation took overhand very quickly.

As Harry came up to us, not very happy looking, the guy just kept in the background, catching my eyes and smiling, which was very disturbing to me, so I looked back to my best friend.

"What’s the matter?" I asked Harry, because he really seemed furious right now, me and Liam shared a quick, but mostly confused, look.

"I should ask you the same. We’re not talking to each other for two days and you run off and find yourself a better friend, and then you dare to lie straight into my face?!" People were turning their heads at him screaming, I was shocked as well, but no one got involved, I really wonder what Liam had looked like meanwhile, but I never turned to face him during that conversation.

"I didn’t do anything, what do you mean?" Of course I knew what he meant, but not exactly. The problem was, I didn’t know what that guy had told him, so maybe not all my secrets were spilled.

"Just before I have talked about how you drove Liam home on the first day of school, and now it turns out that you two are hanging out constantly, at least I assume that’s what you do when you get into your car together!" Shit. Now I really had to think.

Okay, obviously no one knew about how I had slept at his house and the parking lot had been empty that time when I took him to my house…oh shit, no, he was at my house twice and the second time exactly that guy had been watching us. And yesterday and the other time when we had skipped school probably as well. It was very likely that Harry knew about them all, shit, I should’ve been more careful. But honestly, who would expect them to tell Harry about it?

"What does it even matter to you? I can hang out with whomever I want!" I wasn’t as convincing as I would’ve liked to be, I was still shocked about how people found out about it.

"I’m not telling you you can’t, it just would’ve been nice if you wouldn’t have told me that you were sick that day! Oh, wait, you told me that twice!" Right, I had lied to him, but only once, anyway, who would believe me that now?

"I’m sorry I… I didn’t wanna make you mad I…" Half of my words got stuck in my throat once I realized what I had done, tears were already starting to build up in my eyes, now I’d lose Harry again, probably for real this time.

"But you did. Congratulations, Niall, good job, you almost fooled me. Good thing there are other people skipping school and not just you and LIAM!" Now we all knew that that guy had other hobbies than beating me up, he also liked to stalk me, great. Anyway, I wasn’t in the mood for anything like that, I was about to start crying.

"I’m sorry, Harry! Okay, you’re my best friend, I haven’t replaced you, just please believe me, I was really sick one time and the other I didn’t feel so well either…please…" It was too late and I knew it, but I just couldn’t help myself from starting to beg now, holding back the tears was fucking difficult, but letting these people see me cry would’ve probably encouraged them to punch me as well, I really was the perfect victim.

"I don’t even wanna hear your apologies, this is just making me sick, you know what? Spend as many breaks with Liam as you want, because I don’t give a fuck anymore." He shook his head, still glaring at me, but at least he had stopped yelling, which didn’t really do anything to me feeling miserable.

"But I do wanna spend the breaks with you…" I didn’t think about how Liam was still there as well, because I just was so desperate to get Harry to calm down, but it just wouldn’t work.

"I don’t care, Niall, I really don’t. Bye." Then he turned around like that and just went away, I didn’t bother to run after him and try to stop him, because I knew when it was senseless to keep on trying, so I just stared at him as he walked away, feeling really empty and numb all of a sudden.

"Oops." Was all I heard from my favorite enemy, then he was gone too.

I was standing there for a while until I realized that Liam was next to me, so I turned to face him, but he wouldn’t look at me, before I even brought a word out, he had already started talking, slowly, without meeting my eyes.

"Niall… maybe it’s better if… you know, Harry is your best friend, you shouldn’t risk your friendship because of me. And… I really hope he’s gonna calm down, but you already have too much problems anyway because people have seen us together, maybe we should like… stop this. I don’t know, I’m sorry." WHAT?

"Liam, I…" Now my tears were really on the fucking edge okay, he wanted to leave me now, too? What? Why? NO! "This is not your fault, Harry will have to deal with it, I…"

"I don’t wanna mess up your life anymore, okay? Look, this guy has punched you in the face and now he made Harry yell at you, and this is all because of me, I really don’t wanna live with this guilt, you need your best friend and being with me will not help you getting him back. I’m just trying to help you." Liam still avoided to look at me directly, he just spoke to the ground.

"But…" This was too much to handle, see, now I was the one who couldn’t handle something anymore, I felt like I was dying right here, not being able to come up with anything that could’ve convinced him, because I understood him, I wouldn’t wanna be with me either.

"Just tell him that he won’t have to see us together again, maybe that’ll calm him down, I really hope so and I promise you I’ll keep quiet about…you know when I was at your house and you at mine and stuff… I need to go…Lora…" He quickly looked up, pointing somewhere behind him and then, yes, then he left me alone as well.

And that was the moment when I realized that I should’ve appreciated my time with both of them more, I should’ve never lied to Harry and never get so close to Liam, this had just been all wrong and now I had to live with the consequences.

And I didn’t even have a therapist appointment today, as if this was all planned out, some game to see how far they could take it.


	7. Chapter 7

My mum put me straight into bed after I had managed to get back home without dying, I still have no idea how I had done this, she didn’t even notice that I was about to cry, she just said I looked miserable and assumed I was still sick. I just took it like that, not saying much, because this was a welcome excuse to why I couldn’t leave my bed anymore.

And another advantage, every time I was sick she was scared she’d get infected and would leave me alone most of the time, so hello nights full of crying and praying that I could be dead.

My dad didn’t find it great that I was like “sick”, all he did was checking on me once and telling me I should get better soon, then he left, probably also crying over how wrong his son had turned out.

Basically, I didn’t sleep in until like five in the morning and no one bothered me, this would’ve been nice, finally some time for myself without my mum getting suspicious, if there wasn’t the small problem that everything in my life sucked like shit.

Speaking of shit, in fact I was so depressed, I turned off my phone, not wanting to get all pathetic and beg Liam and Harry to be friends with me again, because it was very likely for me to do that.

But why would they, right.

I had lied to Harry, the whole time, he still didn’t know everything, but according to him, me being friends with Liam and hanging out with him wasn’t the problem, the problem was that I had lied. So that made me a lot more stupid for not trusting him enough that he would accept me having other friends as well.

And then Liam, of course he was glad to get rid of me and all this bullshit, without me he could have a much better time, no need to constantly feel the urge to protect me from these bullies, or staying with me when I was sick. Like he had said, he didn’t wanna live with the guilt. So this was better for him.

For both of them, to be honest.

No wait, for the whole school, I should just stay in bed for the rest of eternity or maybe consider a psychiatry, somewhere where I could be locked away and never would be able to hurt someone or mess up lives, or disappoint my parents.

Or all of the above.

I just needed to get over it finally, no one even wanted me here, no one needed me, how selfish of me to stick around.

And there we were again, the thoughts from before the summer holidays started crawling back into my mind, making me want to choke.

 

"You have a normal temperature, Niall." My mum looked down at me, I just turned around, so I could face the wall instead of her, god this made me sick, why couldn’t she just pretend that I had a really bad disease and leave me the fuck alone.

"But I feel miserable." I moaned, trying to fake coughing, turned out really believable actually, because she sighed.

"Fine, but if none of these pills help until tomorrow, you’ll have to go to a doctor." She didn’t really think I’d go there, did she.

"Okay." I just said, relieved that she would leave me alone, at least for now, I didn’t care anymore if she was worried or not, I just wanted to drown in my misery, alone, with a closed door.

It was wednesday now, I had just woken up at like ten in the morning, my dad wanted to convince my mum that it couldn’t be so bad and that I should go to school, but she won, I had heard them argue through the walls.

At this point, I wasn’t even able anymore to tell what or whom I was missing the most, I guess I just missed being able to pretend that I was normal, because I clearly wasn’t, the only time I left bed for was to go to the bathroom and back again.

But I had every reason to be like this okay, my life was over, I was completely friendless, my stomach was blue and green from a punch I didn’t even know what for.

So my mum left me alone for a few hours or so, I don’t even know, time didn’t really matter anymore, then she came into my room suddenly, handing me our phone and walking out again, slamming the door as if she was mad now.

"Hello?" I just said, not really expecting to hear someone I actually wanted to hear and guess what, I was right. Now we know why my mum had had that pissed look on her face, it was none other than my therapist.

"Niall, stop faking to be sick." She would just say and I could’ve yelled at her, but no energy left for that.

"No, leave me alone." This was really stupid, I could’ve just hung up.

"I’m just spending my holiday talking on the phone with you so you better appreciate it." What was the matter with this woman.

"Good for you, but I don’t want to talk to you." She hadn’t been there when I needed her, now it was too late.

"You have no choice. So what’s the matter with you?" Everything, how should I ever explain this to her?

"Liam and Harry both hate me and don’t want to be friends with me anymore, because Harry found out about me and Liam hanging out and Liam doesn’t want to destroy what’s between Harry and me." Hmm… that had been pretty simple, which didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt to say it out loud, even though I had left more than half of the story out. Also things like that guy that made my life a living hell and how Liam and me had actually gotten so much closer now.

"Then probably you should turn on your phone and get out of the house again, that would get you further than lying to your mother." WOW, like she was such a good therapist, her advice was like, overwhelming.

"Thanks, can I hang up now since you don’t even try to help me." Why would she even call, just to hear how fucked up I was?

"What do you expect me to say? That you kept things from Harry and that he has every right to be mad and that Liam is just doing what’s best for you?" So obviously she hadn’t called to check how miserable I was, she had called to make me feel even worse and guilty.

"Thank you so much, I’ll hang up now." I didn’t of course, I was scared she’d tell my mum.

"Just a second. I just wanted to remind you that this is definitely no reason to relapse and second, stop assuming that everyone hates you, they both are just hurt, and that’s because they like you. Think about that. Okay, bye." My mum was right about her, probably.

So after that nice and heartwarming talk, I felt even worse, but her words did make me think, maybe she was right, she had been before when she had told me that Liam had just been hurt.

Maybe I should really do something, I’d probably spend the rest of my life in this room, it couldn’t even get any worse, right? I could at least try to make it a little bit more bearable.

My heart was beating too fast when I turned my phone on, hoping for any messages, but nothing, great, what a motivation to do what I was about to.

Anyway, I didn’t find this funny or amusing, actually I just wanted to cry the whole fucking time, even when I called Liam’s number, ignoring the fact that he still was at school probably, but I didn’t know what time it was so.

The reason why I called Liam first was because he hadn’t been so extremely mad at me, because basically I hadn’t done anything to him except getting onto his nerves probably. And yeah, well, because I was used to not talking to Harry so much, but Liam and me well… I didn’t even know anymore, I just called him first alright.

I was like really nervous, because I hadn’t thought of anything to say, hoping that I’d be able to think of something once I heard his voice. God, I missed his voice.

Probably it was good that he didn’t pick up, because there were a lot of tears streaming down my cheeks and making my shirt all wet, I was about to hang up and throw the phone out of the window, but then I decided I could just talk onto his mailbox, yeah, that way I didn’t even have to come up with any arguments and he couldn’t confront me about anything.

"Err…Liam…it’s me, Niall." That was all I brought out in a normal voice, then I nearly choked on my tears and the sobbing, blurting out any shit without thinking about that I wouldn’t be able to delete this. "I’m s-sorry….please, I…n-need you, Liam." What the hell, I just hung up after that, crying even more now, this time into my pillow, that had just been the worst attempt ever to make someone forgive me, he’d probably not even listen to it.

Anyway, after that I was too scared to call Harry, because I really thought something like that would come out as well and Harry ALWAYS listened to his mailbox, so no, better not even try.

Instead of doing anything, I just sat on the floor, leaned against my bed and trying to come up with arguments why I should continue to live, by the way I didn’t find any, but I just kept sitting there anyway, staring holes in the wall.

My body started to hurt from never moving, especially my stomach, but luckily someone called me, so I needed to stretch a bit in order to reach my phone.

"Yes…?" Again, I had stopped bothering to check who was calling me.

"Niall?" Wait a second…

"Well, yes." Now random people knew my number, how great was that? Anyway, this voice seemed somewhat familiar, but I didn’t recognize it, I also wasn’t really curious to be honest, there were only two people whose voices I would’ve been excited about, everything else was just a disappointment.

"Wow, I’m so good, I finally found out your number." That guy, it obviously was a guy okay, sounded proud of himself, now it got strange.

"Wait… who is this?" Better check before I found out that I was talking to like people from my school, ew.

"Louis." …

For a moment I didn’t do anything, then I was suddenly up on my feet again and freaked totally out over this, how dare this idiot called me and get me into even more trouble. If Harry found out about me talking on the phone with his almost-boyfriend-whatever, he’d give me hell.

"Why are you calling me? What is the matter with you, Harry’s gonna be pissed!" Considering that I was already faking to be sick because of him, that argument maybe lost his meaning a little bit.

"He is already pissed at you." Louis started laughing, I hated him more with every second. "Anyway, I’m calling you because Harry has complained about you like five hours yesterday and it turned out that he wanted to go and kill some guy called Liam, so you better thank me, I talked him out of this." The way he was still chuckling made me want to do other things to him far from thanking.

"So what? Did you look for my number just to tell me that?" Didn’t he have a life or something? Oh wait, no he didn’t, living at Zayn’s house was proof enough for that.

"Not exactly. I was more like hoping to get you to apologize to Harry or at least do something, because if this night is going to be like the last I’ll probably never be able to sleep again." This was just ridiculous, why hadn’t I hung up yet.

"That’s not my problem, he’s too mad at me, he probably wouldn’t even care about what I have to say." That would first of all require that I knew what I wanted to tell him, but no, all I did was crying and leaving weird messages for Liam.

"After the yelling he started crying and I had to calm him down because Zayn laughed at him and made everything worse, so do you know how small Harry’s bed is? Now imagine you need to share it with him." It didn’t really seem that he had minded doing that, actually I wanted to laugh at him for that, or act surprised, but then I remembered that I had done the exact same thing with Liam and swallowed my words down.

"So you had to sleep in bed with Harry, fine, that still isn’t my problem." Actually, right now I just wanted to keep talking about that, because it seemed a bit strange for him to do that and anyway, what was the matter with Harry, like he could ask Louis to sleep in a bed with him but he couldn’t tell him that he fucking was in love with him?

"I’m not complaining about it, I’m just trying to make you understand how much he cares about you two fighting, because I can’t remember a time when Harry would’ve cried because of someone." Well, I could, a few days ago for example, about Louis himself.

However, this made me go silent, because he was right somehow, I never would’ve expected Harry to freak out like me, maybe he didn’t hate me, maybe he was just hurt, he had every right to. We’ve been best friends for so many years and suddenly Liam showed up and I started hiding things from Harry and treated him like someone I couldn’t trust.

Okay, no, this wasn’t Liam’s fault, Liam was a victim as well here, the only problem was me.

"And what exactly should I do now? I know that I’ve messed up, but I can’t turn back time." If I could, I wouldn’t either, because that would mean that Liam and me still were like normal school mates, that thought scared me now, no, I needed to get him back, no matter what, and Harry as well, they’d have to live with the fact that I liked them both.

"How do I know, he’s your best friend, I was just trying to get you to do anything." Great, I had hoped that maybe he had called me because he had some kind of an idea, but no, he was as clueless as me. "Maybe you should do something for him that is so great that he has no chance but to be thankful and forgive you." What a good idea, like seriously, of course, there were like a million million options I could choose from… Well, wait a second, there was only one thing that Harry wanted. And that was Louis.

"Okay, I’m gonna think of something…but you know what’s like really strange?" I can’t deny that my heart was beating too fast, I was just scared, what if I messed this up, Harry would hate me forever.

"What?" Now Louis was confused at the sudden change of the topic.

"Why are you even living with Harry and Zayn? I mean I always thought it’s because you like Zayn, but now… I don’t know, what’s the actual reason?" No idea what I expected, but hey, I couldn’t just ask him if there might be a chance that he was in love with Harry, only because lately everyone seemed to confess that they were gay and I was kinda getting used to that didn’t mean that Louis would take it as easy.

"I just like them both, what kinda question is that?" He was right, but anyway, I wouldn’t let him get away with just that.

"So it doesn’t bother you that Harry is so much younger? Usually Zayn’s friends see him as a baby, but you even slept in bed with him." Maybe there was a possibility that I was taking it way too far, but the good part was, this was so embarrassing, he wouldn’t be able to tell Harry.

"What exactly do you want Niall?" Even though he tried to sound mad now, he wasn’t really, his voice was kinda shaking, maybe I was getting closer.

"Nothing, really, I was just wondering, who sleeps in a too small bed with their friends’ younger brother." Louis, obviously, just WHY. Maybe he felt protective about Harry, the age difference and the fact that his parents didn’t give a fuck about him, but still, I had to admit, I wouldn’t have slept in bed with him and I felt like he was my brother as well.

"He… he was upset." I felt myself grinning at how he almost choked on those words.

"You could’ve calmed him down, that bed is really horrible." Now I knew why my therapist had called me before, because it was really funny to ask uncomfortable question and assume things, especially if I knew that this would get me closer to be friends with Harry again.

"I told you I tried to… but it didn’t work, so…" Louis was like, not even getting mad at me, just trying to talk himself out of it with very poor tries.

"Still, I don’t get it. You’re caring about him as if… " A dramatic stop in between my sentence got me exactly what I wanted, which was Louis getting even more nervous. God, he was the worst at hiding things.

"As if what?" It was so stupid, but I had to hold back a laugh, forcing myself to sound serious and maybe a little shocked.

"Oh my god, Louis, are you… in love with Harry?" This couldn’t get any better, seriously, I wouldn’t even have to mention that Harry liked him, because if Louis said no now, he’d never even know about this conversation.

"WHAT?" My ear hurt from how surprised, and loud, he was, but I think I had figured him out now.

"Are you in love with Harry?" Making my voice sound calm and as if I had no intention to judge him, because he hadn’t, he didn’t even have an idea about how happy this would make me.

"How do you… why are you asking me that?" Every straight guy would’ve said no by now, like honestly.

"Because you… sleep in a bed with him and you’re making such an afford to make sure he’s alright, you live in a house with Zayn even though he’s a drug junkie, you drive Harry to school every day, you hang out with him, you moved in with them again because of him, obviously, when I was there you never talked to Zayn and just to him, you helped him having a party, you made him play a drink game with you even though he was snogging some girl, you-"

"FINE, I GET IT!" Wow, now he was mad.

"So you admit it?" PLEASE.

"What? No, I…" Could I count that as a yes? Maybe.

"You should tell him, you know. How about today." Or right now? And maybe bring in my name?

"Wait, wait, what? You want me to pick Harry up from school and tell him that I’m in love with him? Have you lost your mind?" I still hadn’t gotten a confession, though.

"Yes. I mean no, I don’t, but you should definitely do that." In fact, I was so excited about this, I almost forgot that I still had no friends and started running up and down in my room, ignoring how my stomach rebelled.

"Have you counted the amount of girlfriends he had?" Louis sounded a bit sad now, I don’t think I’d need to ask again.

"Maybe they’re just a cover up. I certainly would not come up with the idea to kiss a guy, just because I’m a little bit drunk." Thinking about how I had never been drunk nor kissed anyone, this was maybe going a bit too far. But no, I already knew they loved each other, they just needed to tell each other, god damn it what a bunch of cowards. Okay, I wasn’t better.

"Wait… Harry told you about this?" And about a lot of other interesting stuff.

"Harry tells me everything." Maybe he could guess it, he wasn’t that dumb, right? And then I’d still be a good friend because I hadn’t spoiled the secret.

"…and you really want me to do this?" Louis suddenly wasn’t nervous anymore, now he sounded even excited, of course not close to what I felt, but at least, that was a beginning.

"Just trust me, I told you, Harry tells me everything. I mean everything, do you get it now, because I really don’t wanna get into this more." After that he stayed silent for a while, probably thinking about if I would lie to him in order to embarrass him or destroy their friendship, but he knew that I wouldn’t do this to Harry, right?

"Okay, fine." Thank god. "Woah, wait, actually I need to go right now, his last period is almost over!" Okay, I’m not gonna think about how he knew Harry’s timetable by heart.

"Wait. Would you mind, after this turns out good, bring in my name, okay? Thanks." Now I could officially say that the problem with Harry was solved, my thoughts were already wandering to someone else, when Louis seemed to figure something out.

"Does this mean… you just did this so Harry would forgive you?" At least now he could be sure that I wasn’t trying to prank him, he actually sounded not even mad.

"Bye, Louis." Then I hung up, pretty sure about the fact that he wouldn’t call me back just to get an answer, he needed to hurry up and get to my school in time, hopefully he wouldn’t back out now…well, but then I could just show up on their door and tell them in front of each what I knew, perfect.

The day passed by slowly, no wonder, I was doomed to stay in my bed, or at least in my room, just in case my mum would come and check on me.

As it got darker outside, I was pretty sure that Liam didn’t listen to his mailbox, but I was too scared to call him again, maybe he hadn’t picked up on purpose, maybe he didn’t even wanna work this out, maybe he didn’t care.

It shocked me actually how much this hurt, more than the thought of Harry probably still being mad at me, at least I knew that he was hurt, but Liam…

Damn it, I really fucking liked this guy and I knew I shouldn’t, what was wrong with me, I shouldn’t spend all my thinking on him or missing being close to him, or his fingers playing with my hair, this was just so fucking wrong.

When my phone rang, I had somehow got myself into thinking that Liam was the only one who had my number, so again, I didn’t check.

"Hello?" I breathed, too excited to sit still on my bed.

"Err… Niall, it’s me. Harry." Okay. I shouldn’t be disappointed now, no, this was my best friend and he had just called me even though I am the one who had lied to him.

"Listen, I’m sorry about what I have done, okay? I was just scared I’d hurt you, and I really was sick okay, please forgive me." I think the only reason why I suddenly didn’t start stuttering was because I was still stuck with the thought of Liam and how I’d get him to forgive me, for some reason I was much more scared of that.

"Let’s forget this, okay? I just wanted to tell you that…" Now Harry suddenly laughed. "I hate you so much, Niall". First, I froze, but he kept on laughing and someone, I am pretty sure it was Louis, yelled his name and told him to be nice, so my mouth smiled all by itself, it had worked out.

"I love you too man. Does this mean I can congratulate you now?" There were things I’d wanted to ask him, but I didn’t, I could pretty good imagine that he had other plans right now.

"Yeah, I guess. But seriously now, you are such an idiot, how did you even do this, I mean, I…Louis told me but… god. You have to come to school again tomorrow, I need to hug you so tight, I feel so bad for yelling at you, I… " He didn’t even know how to put it into words, I was happy for him, but this probably wouldn’t kept me from crying tonight.

"It’s okay, you have no reason to feel bad, let’s just do this like we did last time, it never happened okay?" That seemed to be all I did in life, pushing things away and never talk or think about them again, but at least Harry seemed really relieved now.

"Okay, thanks. I need to tell you so much." The last part was whispered by the way, so I think I could imagine what he meant. "See you tomorrow, then?"

"I hope so." If I would be emotionally ready to face Liam without bursting out into tears, running up to him and beg him to forgive me.

"No, you will come, right? Okay, cool, I’ll see you then and Louis said hi, okay, bye!" The connection broke before I could reply, but I didn’t really care so much about this now, I had my best friend back and even helped him in his love life, who would’ve thought about that.

So one problem left.

 

Guess what? After that talk with Harry I sat there on the floor, staring at my phone for two hours straight, wishing I’d run out of tears at some point, because I gave up on drying my face when I realized that it was wet again three seconds later. But I didn’t, things just got worse, my stomach hurt, my eyes stung, I felt like throwing up because I was so worried, and I actually got heartache from how much I wished Liam would call me, just a little “I fucking hate you” would’ve been nice, then I could at least hear his voice.

So after this stupid crying session on the floor, I decided I could continue it in my bed, pulling the blanket over me so I could act like I was asleep if someone came in, only the sobs escaping me sometimes were showing that I wasn’t, but hey, no one cared anyway, obviously, because ever since my therapist had called me, no one had bothered to check on me. With no one I mean my mum, to make this clear, dad wouldn’t come of course.

When she finally decided to come, not that I liked that but anyway, it wasn’t the usual slamming the door and rushing over to my bed, feeling my temperature and asking five thousand questions, actually, she didn’t even say anything, so I got a bit scared, but didn’t move because I was still pretending to be asleep.

After about a minute or so, I felt my bed giving in a bit, inside I sighed, now she’d act all like I was so poor and shit, sitting on the edge of my bed, who did she think she was?

"Niall?" Okay, woah, that certainly wasn’t my mum’s voice, but I still didn’t move, maybe she had called a doctor or something, that would be creepy, but we were talking about my mum here.

"Wake up, come on." Someone softly shook my shoulder, okay, now this was going too far, so even though my face was probably red and there was a possibility that I’d have to cry again any second, I turned around, just so my eyes could go wide.

"LIAM?" What was he doing here, why was he here, I wasn’t prepared for that, oh my fucking god no!

So instead of saying anything or looking at his face more clearly to figure out what mood he was in, I pulled the blanket over my head, telling myself that I was having hallucinations.

Now, this actually made him chuckle. Yeah, he sat there, on the edge of my bed, chuckling over how I had just hidden under my blanket in order to not see his face. I don’t know why, but hearing him laugh and the overwhelming fact that he was here at all, made me start crying even more than I had before, silent of course.

"Niall." Liam tried to pull the blanket away from me, still amused, but I held onto it, stubbornly.

"No." After he had heard my voice, he stopped immediately, hmm, maybe I should stop being all pathetic here, but I was getting ashamed now too, maybe he had heard my message after all.

"You aren’t crying…are you?" Did he sound worried or what was that? Maybe he was annoyed by me, yeah, couldn’t blame him for that right, I was so stupid, we couldn’t even have a normal conversation.

"No." And my voice just broke away at the end of this, but never mind.

"Then look at me." What Liam didn’t know was that I would probably suffocate soon if I didn’t, so maybe he thought it was because of him, but I pulled the blanket away, staring at the ceiling, because well, I was still pretending that this wasn’t even happening, maybe I slept in, or maybe I was insane.

"I’m sorry." You couldn’t really expect anything more from me, I was a wreck and honestly, nothing else would come to my mind that wasn’t stupid as shit and would make everything worse than it already was.

"What are you even apologizing for the whole time? You’ve done nothing. I am sorry, I shouldn’t have walked away just like that, I didn’t wanna… make you cry on my mailbox or make you cry…at all." I had closed my eyes, but now I just couldn’t stand it anymore, I HAD to look at him, and as I did, it felt like things were all good again, even though he seemed like he was about to cry too, but that didn’t matter, he was here.

"Does that mean… we can be friends again?" It was just okay to say that because I didn’t feel like Liam would roll his eyes or say no, but I still played with my fingers, nervous somehow.

"Yeah, of course we can, Nialler." He smiled down at me, the sadness wouldn’t leave his eyes completely, but the look he gave me still made my stomach do things I wasn’t really sure how to call, but it definitely was much better than the pain from my bruise. However, that heartwarming smile didn’t last for long, then he seemed to remember something. "But what’s with Harry?"

"It’s all good now, and I guess he’ll just have to live with the fact that I like both of you." While saying this I managed to calm down a bit, wiping over my wet cheeks and sitting up, I nearly made a face because of the sudden sting in my stomach, but I kept it together.

"Okay, I’m really glad it worked out. But anyway, why didn’t you come to school today? Are you sick again? Your mum said something like it was really nice of me to come and visit even though I might get infected or so." Liam checked my face, it was probably hard to tell what was up with me, because of all the red spots and stuff, but he still tried, which was embarrassing, so I looked down again.

"No, I’m not sick…I just…didn’t wanna come to school, because…well because I had this fight with you and Harry and I didn’t feel very good about myself…" Not very good sounded nice compared to reality and the flashbacks I was getting now.

Liam didn’t say anything, he just pulled me into a hug out of nowhere, I didn’t even freeze anymore, but just wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder, trying to find an answer to why I wished that he would never let go again or that he hugged me tighter, even though that was basically impossible.

"I missed you." I whispered, no idea why, I mean this was really dramatic sounding now, as if we were really good friends who just hadn’t seen each other for weeks, but it was true, I had really missed him, I don’t think I had ever missed anyone like that, which didn’t really mean anything now.

"I missed you too." Liam laughed a bit, rubbing my back, maybe he wanted to let go, but I kept holding onto him, not caring about anything else right now.

"Before I forget it, sorry for that stupid message on your phone, I didn’t mean to make it sound so dramatic, I just… didn’t know what else to do." It was easier to talk now while having him so close, feeling every breath he took and his skin against my cheek.

"It wasn’t stupid, actually… it made me cry." Oh. "But anyway, that was why I didn’t come earlier or call you back, I also didn’t know what to do or what to say, because well… I really didn’t wanna stand between you and Harry, but now see how selfish I am." Aww, why was he so nice, damn it, and his nervous laugh so close to my ear had the same effect as before his smile. Something was so wrong with me, this wasn’t even funny anymore.

"You’re not selfish." I tried to make clear, but he just shrugged, so we would hug each other for a little bit longer, until I felt like it was getting too strange, so I let go again, my face burning, but I wasn’t the only one.

"Just tell me when you want me to go, okay?" Never again, please.

"Stay as long as you want, my mum doesn’t mind anyway and I… just stay." I nearly almost said something stupid, so good for me I had stopped talking.

Liam grinned, as if he knew. “Thanks. Well, I need to give my dad his car back sometime today, but until then it’s fine.” Thank god he hadn’t borrowed Lora’s car, but he wasn’t so stupid of course.

"Okay." Why couldn’t he have like a car of his own then he’d be able to stay here as long as I wanted… well, okay, maybe he had a life and something better to do than being here, now who was selfish?

I didn’t really know what to say without sounding awkward, so I just leaned back again, making some space for him, which actually ended with us being so close that our arms were almost touching, almost. Not that I wanted this to happen, ha, ha, but I wouldn’t mind either, that’s normal right, we were friends.

Liam yawned, so I chuckled, not tired at all right now, usually I got tired from crying and worrying so much, but ever since I had realized that it was him sitting on my bed I was more awake than ever.

"Stop laughing at me, you’re the one who always falls asleep." Of course I wouldn’t stop, but only because he didn’t sound mad at all and just shook his head at me, smiling.

Then I made a mistake, well not really, but I kinda just messed up hiding everything so good and now I made one move which hurt really bad in my stomach. “Ow.” I pressed my eyes together for a second, trying to ignore the pain, but of course that was exactly what made it obvious to Liam.

"What’s the matter?" He asked immediately, probably thinking I was really getting sick now, hopefully.

"Nothing." Why could this stupid bruise not just fade away, this was not fair, now this guy had hurt me AND tried to steal all my friends. Which wasn’t hard considering it were only two, but that wasn’t even the point here.

"It’s not nothing when you look like this, tell me." The problem was, I couldn’t pretend that it was just because I had a stomachache, because then I would curl up, but now I wasn’t even brave enough to touch anywhere near the bruise.

"No, I’m fine." I didn’t wanna see his worried look now, so I closed my eyes, slightly trying to pull my sweater down without him noticing, because I was afraid it had slipped up and would probably reveal what I was trying to hide, but he caught my hand in the movement, shoving the piece of cloth higher until he could see. Actually I wanted to take his hand away again and stop him staring at my skin, but he was stronger than me.

"What happened?" We both looked at it, me a little bit disgusted because when I had seen it last time it hadn’t been so purple and obvious, and Liam, well, I didn’t know, I didn’t dare to check.

"Nothing, let go, please, Liam." The only positive side was that I had never cut in the same places as he had, so at least there was nothing else for him to be shocked about.

"Not until you tell me." His voice was shaking, I wondered what theories he had about this, but I don’t think I even wanted to know.

"Okay, but don’t freak out." I sighed, looking over to him, but our eyes didn’t meet, he still couldn’t get his off my stomach. "That guy… well, he was there before I got into school yesterday and… he was mad, obviously, so that’s what he did before telling me I should wait and see. Who knew he is such a stalker, I would’ve rather have him beating me a few more times." My attempt to make this funny obviously failed in every possible way, Liam looked at me as if I had rolled up my sleeves.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" Finally he let go, so I quickly pulled my sweater down again, saving us both from that sight.

"I didn’t want to… cause any drama, it’s nothing really, it doesn’t even hurt so much." This had obviously been a lie, so Liam looked at me for a second, then he rolled his eyes at me.

"Really? Then why’d you pull such a face?" I didn’t give an answer, because I didn’t know how to get this situation to not be so serious anymore, so he shook his head slowly, turning onto his back again and not looking at me anymore, shit, was he pissed, because of that?

"Liam? Are you mad at me now?" I couldn’t help but sound whiny, I was really hypersensitive after our … fight?

"No, I’m not." Liam seemed to be surprised, then his face softened as our eyes met for a second. "Just tell me next time, okay?"

Scared that my voice was about to break away, that would be really stupid and show that I was too emotional again, I just nodded, trying not to look away, but he smiled a bit sad.

"I’m not gonna beat him up again, but I don’t want anyone to hurt you either." Now it seemed as if he was actually thinking about how to solve this problem, that was another reason why I hadn’t told him, he shouldn’t feel responsible for this, he could do nothing besides like killing them and that was…illegal, I think.

"Don’t think about it, it’s fine." Glad that he was in a better mood again, I mean not better just his hate wasn’t against me anymore, I attempted to make myself more comfortable, but accidentally ended up being a bit closer to him than before, oops.

"Sorry, the bed is like, really small." I didn’t even regret saying this, even though I was about to blush, but then I told myself that I was just telling him how it was, my bed WAS small okay… at least compared to the size of everything else in the house.

The good thing was, Liam looked at me in a serious way for a second, then he burst out laughing, pulling me closer like it was just nothing, but it made me happy. I was losing my mind and it was all his fault, when I was with him, it was like my worries were just gone and all the things I had promised myself, involving not letting anyone in or so, they didn’t even matter. So that was why it had hurt so bad when suddenly he hadn’t been there anymore and that was really dangerous, I knew I should stop, but instead of doing so, I snuggled up into his side like last time, breathing in, in order to calm me down, it helped, a lot better than expected.

No one said anything, so we just listened to each other breathing, but when I suddenly felt Liam’s arm dropping from my shoulder, I looked up, realizing that he must’ve fallen asleep.

Maybe this was creepy, but no one was here and no one would ever know, so I turned around onto my stomach, slowly of course, and watched his face for some time, fascinated somehow, his hair was like still perfect in every way even though we were lying around. How was this even possible? I couldn’t find one single flaw in his face, that was unfair.

Suddenly, I don’t really know why, but I looked at his lips suddenly, thinking about how close we were and that I had never done things like that with anyone else, and I remembered Harry and what he probably was doing with Louis right now, and somehow, yeah, I got a bit jealous.

How was it fair that everyone knew about stuff like this and I probably never would because no one would ever have a crush on me? I mean someone I like back, so Lora doesn’t count, no.

And then I came up with the shittiest idea in my whole existence, seriously now, this was way more dumb than anything else that had caused me therapists and stuff like that, but I thought, well, Liam was asleep, and as far as I knew he wasn’t really easy to wake up, so…

Before I could change my mind, I quickly leaned over him, slowly pressing my lips onto his, expecting anything, but not exactly what I felt while doing so.

Since I had never kissed anyone else on the mouth before, I had nothing to compare it with, but it didn’t feel bad at all, like seriously, actually it felt great… no it didn’t feel great, it was amazing.

My stomach twisted into knots, I got warm all of a sudden, for a second I WANTED him to wake up and kiss me back, this actually felt right and I had to literally force myself to pull away, otherwise, who knew how far I would’ve taken it, at this point I stopped trusting myself.

Staring down at Liam after that little… experiment, he was still fast asleep, everything was fine.

Well, not exactly, because I felt the urge to kiss him again, which made me scared, I could feel his soft lips against mine, how they had tasted, just everything, and that wasn’t good at all, I think. What if I’d never be able to erase this from my mind and would always have to live with the constant wish to kiss this boy?

So before I could come up with more brilliant, not really, ideas like that, I quickly lay back down, snuggling into him again, now that somehow made him move in his sleep, because he wrapped his arms around me again, tighter this time, so I actually had no choice anymore but to put my head down onto his chest, still feeling a bit confused because of that kiss. Or could you call it a kiss?

Anyway, I worried so much and kept wishing I could do it again, which made me hate myself, that I didn’t realize Liam waking up for real now.

"Oh shit…Niall? Are you awake?" Hmm… if I said yes then he’d probably blame me for being cuddled into him like this, I closed my eyes quickly, trying to act sleepy, then at least he’d think I was moving again while being asleep, that was better, not so embarrassing anymore.

"Hmm… yeah…" And guess what, we just kissed and you’ll never know.

"Liar." He chuckled softly, running his fingers through my hair once, shit, I got goosebumps everywhere, what was the matter with me today. "I gotta go, or my dad will get mad, I told him I’d be back in like an hour."

"I don’t wanna get up, though, can’t you just stay?" Remembering that he still thought I was half asleep, I felt okay with saying my thoughts and wishes out loud.

"I’m sorry, but I can’t. You don’t even have to move, okay?" He softly got up while trying not to let me fall down all of a sudden, even watching my head so it hit the pillow, why. Seriously, why.

"I’ll go now, okay? If you can hear me, we’ll see us tomorrow, then. Sweet dreams." Liam chuckled into my ear and got up, so that was when I opened my eyes again, sitting up to see that he was already half out of my door.

"Liam, wait." I wasn’t ready to let him go now, not like that, I wouldn’t be able to sleep in tonight if I didn’t do anything.

Hearing my voice, all firm again and not a bit sleepy, he turned around, surprised, just to watch me coming towards him.

"I’ll go downstairs with you, then you won’t have to face my mum again alone." What a nice excuse, his face light up and I smiled.

Another reason was also because I was scared he’d meet my father, who would call him bad things and I wanted to be sure to be able to make him shut up, no one could insult Liam in my presence.

Luckily we didn’t meet any of my parents, so when Liam was at the door, I felt safe and just wrapped my arms around him one more time, screw the promise I had given myself, I had crossed the lines too many times already.

"We’ll see us in a few hours, Nialler." Maybe this should be funny, but it didn’t work out because he might have chuckled, but he also hugged me back, a bit too tight maybe, but that was fine, who knew when we’d come into a situation like that again?

"Yeah, I know." What made me let go again was when I realized that I also wanted to kiss him, so I quickly made sure our goodbye wouldn’t end more embarrassing than it already was, my cheeks were flushed, but luckily it was dark outside, so there was a possibility he didn’t see.

"Okay, bye." Liam waved quickly, then I watched him get into his dad’s car and drive away, I felt empty now, it was a strange feeling.

"Niall, honey, are you going to come in or do you want to catch another cold?" The voice of my mum sounded amused, so I made sure to lock the door and get past her without her seeing my overall red face, she’d get a whole wrong idea of this all. But thinking about this, how could anyone not get a wrong idea of this, because what was actually happening?

"Does this mean you can go to school tomorrow?" Was luckily all she wanted to know when I was already heading for the stairs, which would take me some time because as mentioned like a hundred times before, we were rich, cough.

"Uh, yeah." Now I had two reasons that kept me going again, I should feel great, but I didn’t.

"That Liam certainly is like a cure, isn’t he…" She muttered to herself, I pretended that I hadn’t heard, quickly getting into my room again to figure out why I still wasn’t happy, I had my friends back.

Well, and I also knew how it felt like to kiss one of them and cuddle with them and… shit, what was I doing? I had known that I shouldn’t have gotten this close to Liam, but I had, I mean like, who would expect that I was able to open up to him so much, who knew maybe next time I’d just blurt out all my secrets, I had already given up on ever finding friends, and there he was and I missed him so bad already it was crazy.

Why did I never feel that way about Harry, he was my BEST friend and Liam was supposed to just be A friend and yet it seemed like… like I didn’t even know anymore, it had all started with me trying to take care of him, now I was the one hiding under blankets and crying my eyes out and he had to cuddle with me in order to make it better, this was sick.

I couldn’t stand any of these thoughts, so I plugged in my headphones once I was ready for bed, pushing everything away again.

 

The next day I was woken up with a slight bit of a headache, I had actually slept in with the music turned up too loud, but anyway, that didn’t even bother me that much, I was thrilled to go to school today,

So everyone noticed it when I got downstairs, almost about to whistle, which I didn’t because I couldn’t, luckily.

"So healthy again all of a sudden?" My father asked, when I turned to face him, a bit scared, he was actually grinning, so I relaxed and shrugged.

"Yeah, well… the pills helped." I threw a glance at my mum, who was about to say something, very likely it would’ve involved the name Liam, but she understood and kept quiet, knowing that my dad would freak out at this.

Now obviously he knew that I had faked being sick and he didn’t care, no, it seemed like he found it funny, being all nice again and stuff, as if we had never had this conversation a few days ago. Maybe better that way.

When I got out of my car, Harry had obviously already been waiting for me, because he nearly knocked me off my feet with his hug, I had to hold onto the car with one hand in order to keep us both from falling, but he didn’t care anyway, he was about to start jumping when he pulled away again.

"You are GREAT, Niall, I swear, this was the most awesome thing you’ve ever done for me, I can never repay you!" Before I was able to tell him that it was okay and that I was glad that he was so happy, he threw his arms around me again, pressing his lips to my cheeks, okay, this was going too far a bit, I gently brought some distance between, starting to walk, but Harry didn’t mind anyway, he was almost dancing next to me, keeping this smile up the whole time, which made me laugh quietly, it was nice seeing him like that.

"So, does Zayn know?" Not even this question bothered him, only that he was shaking his head now, still grinning.

"No, of course not, but he never pays attention to us anyway, and he’s hardly at home lately, so we have the whole flat to ourselves, and Louis has a car, so that’s great. I need to tell you so much, god, remember when I told you that kissing this one girl was great? Well it wasn’t because Louis…" It went on like that, luckily there were people talking everywhere, so no one heard his extremely detailed descriptions of him and his boyfriend, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to know all these things, so I only listened with one ear until we came to his first class and he suddenly stopped me. "Hey, Niall, you’re going to the movies tonight with us, right? Please say yes okay, I want you two to get along, I mean you obviously don’t hate each other, but you know like… you’re the most important people in my life."

Normally Harry never said things like that, but today he wasn’t quite himself, so I didn’t think about it, not being able to risk this smile disappearing, and agreed, which made him grin even wider, and yes, this was possible, trust me, I was surprised as well.

But then again, I couldn’t blame him, because I was pretty sure I had the same stupid smile on my face when Liam walked in, making my heart jump, I don’t exactly know why, maybe I was just happy that we could sit together again. Even though it had only been one day when we hadn’t, but anyway, he couldn’t see how my body reacted to him entering the room, so whatever.

First, his face was like normal, then he spotted me and obviously couldn’t help but smile back, taking a seat beside me. “You seem happy today.” Okay, maybe it really was a bit obvious, I tried to be more serious, but it just wouldn’t work.

"Why wouldn’t I be?" I shrugged, wanting to look away, but I kept staring at his lips, wanting to do things again, so I made myself focus on something else in his face, like his eyes, something you usually do while having a conversation.

"I don’t know, I just pointed it out, because I’m glad you are." There was this fucking smile again, like this couldn’t be legal, I felt as if I’d have to die from how hot I got all of a sudden, this finally got me to look away from him until he suddenly got serious again, leaning a bit closer. Wow this made everything worse, having only a few inches between our lips. "How’s your stomach?"

"I…it’s better." Not really, he knew it, because I stumbled on my words and he sighed.

"Somehow I wish we had every class together, then I wouldn’t have to worry about you all day long." What?

When Liam realized what he had just said, he quickly hurried to start unpacking his bag, blushing deeply, while , well I started to feel better at this, even though according to what I had promised myself, this should be how I felt about him and not the other way around.

"I don’t want you to worry about me, I can take care of myself." No one should worry about me, but especially not the guy whom I had caught self harming, this actually was a nice example of me being an ignorant asshole. But I didn’t wanna annoy him with it constantly, so that should explain the lack of questions, hopefully he didn’t think it was because I didn’t care, because I did. A lot.

"Well… obviously you can’t." Liam bit onto his bottom lip, it was very disturbing that I knew how it tasted as well by the way, however, he looked at me all worried, as if he wanted to wrap me up into his arms any second and protect me from this guy, I wasn’t sure whether I should like that or not, so I pretended that I had never had this thought and rolled my eyes instead.

"But most of the time." That wasn’t true either, thinking about it.

"It doesn’t matter anyway, because there’s nothing I can do when we aren’t together, so…" It seemed to seriously bother him, that was cute… no I mean NICE, okay, really nice of him to worry about my health so much, I gave him a little smile.

"It’s gonna be fine." Liam wasn’t easy to convince, so of course I didn’t succeed, but he smiled back anyway.

"If he touches you ever again I’m gonna actually kill someone." He still kept the smile up, but it came out pretty serious, so maybe I should get worried about whether he meant it or not, but instead I was proud, that I had a friend like this. And that on the other hand made me hate myself.

"I don’t think he’ll try again." Of course I couldn’t be sure, but I wanted to calm him down, even if it didn’t bother me how protective he got all of a sudden.

"He better not." So I gave up, realizing that I wouldn’t be able to talk him out of this and actually, well, what was wrong with having someone who would threaten bullies to kill them?

Okay, so I had behaved well right, considering that I had kissed him yesterday and probably grinned a bit too wide before, everything was still normal, I was just overreacting, there was nothing wrong with me, I had just been curious, no one could blame me for that.

I found out that I was wrong, that I definitely had lost my mind and should take a hundred more pills, but maybe even that wouldn’t help.

So while the teacher kept talking, I didn’t listen, I tried to not think about Liam and stop staring at him while he took notes, yeah I know, I probably should’ve done that as well, but I didn’t okay, because I was an idiot and found it much more interesting to see Liam’s concentrated face and the veins on his hands showing while writing.

Of course I had to pay for being such a… creeper, I had no idea what to write when it came to working alone, just staring at my paper, sighing and throwing a glance at Liam’s, of course he had no problems.

He chuckled quietly when he realized that I was staring at him once again and looked over.

"You need some help?" I wanted to say no, keep some of my pride, but then I realized that I had none left and just nodded all pathetic looking, which made him grin even more.

That was the moment when things took a bit overhand here, at least inside me, because Liam leaned over and did the exercise for me instead of letting me copy his, which was really unexpected, but that was my only excuse for why I blushed again and had to actually focus to let my breath sound even.

"Thanks." Was all I managed to choke out, distracted by the fact that our arms were touching, I mean of course I had long sleeves, but only the thought that it could’ve been different almost let me shiver. Maybe I was sick. Really, really sick.

"No problem…" Liam wasn’t really listening, that’s why his answer came out like this, but maybe it was better that way right, then he also wouldn’t notice my flushed cheeks, oh god, please no one turn around right now.

It almost seemed like the teacher had given us so much work on purpose, because he knew that I was having some trouble currently trying to figure out what was wrong with me when Liam was there.

So anyway, the situation lasted for about ten whole minutes and I managed to cool down a little bit, once again giving in to my stupid ideas and letting my head drop onto his shoulder, making it a bit harder for him to write, but hey, maybe I was tired who knows.

"You should really sleep some more." Liam chuckled, not stopping to do all my work, he didn’t even seem to bother about me leaning on him.

"Hm." Was all I brought out, because what else should I have said, I was a bit too busy enjoying how I could feel his warmth through his shirt, not that I needed to warm up, my cheeks were flushed already.

When the period was over and I was heading to my next class, I stumbled even more than usual. Liam hadn’t commented on my red face, but he was smiling the whole time which probably meant that he was secretly laughing about me.

Basically, that was everything I thought about while being in school, especially during lunch, I spent it with Liam and Harry did not get mad, and the last period, but since I was a pro at keeping things from showing, no one noticed that my mind was running wild.

 

Harry actually insisted on not coming over to my house before we’d meet up, so this meant I had to explain it to my mum and convince her that I really was going to the movies and nowhere else, but I think she was also a bit pissed off by the fact that Harry didn’t wanna come.

However, it ended with me having to drive there all by myself, I realized that I didn’t want to, I wished I could like, stay in my room and convince myself that I wasn’t crazy because of what was between me and Liam, which was nothing, only friendship. Right, and the only reason why I behaved like this was because I wasn’t used to being so close to someone, problem solved. Not really.

So I was a bit distracted when I got there, which was a good thing actually, because well… I had seen Louis talking to Harry, but I hadn’t seen them kissing or doing like… couple stuff. It shouldn’t really surprise me, it wasn’t the first time Harry was making out with someone in front of me just…well… okay.

"Err… I can also leave again." I offered, trying to make this funny now, but Harry pulled away from his boyfriend, a bit blushed, and hugged me quickly while Louis didn’t seem to be embarrassed at all, he just grinned at me.

"Sorry. I mean, actually, you’re late, Niall. I wanna get popcorn, so come on finally!" He didn’t leave us any time to answer, but just took Louis’ hand and dragged him away, so I followed willingly, holding back a grin at their behavior, I had done a good job.

"Niall, I never thanked you, but-"

"LOU!" Harry interrupted our… okay, this wasn’t a conversation at all, but he didn’t even realize, because he was obviously distracted by food.

"What, babe?" Aww, now this was cute, even though I was completely left out while Harry listed everything he wanted and Louis payed for him not caring about the price, this was good for me as well, I could steal from Harry later.

"So anyway, thanks, Niall. I mean this was a bit risky and stuff but…" Louis carried on as soon as Harry didn’t need all his attention anymore, happily shoving more food into his mouth than I thought would’ve been possible, usually I ate way more than him but okay.

"I’m glad I… well, you’re welcome." Actually it was a bit weird now, because I hadn’t done this for Louis but for Harry…okay fine, I had done this for myself.

So of course, Harry was the one choosing the movie, I tried to have a say in this, but no, Louis said he “didn’t mind” while staring at his boyfriend as if he was an angel, and Harry got onto my nerves until I let him be, agreeing to try and not throw up all over myself while watching Valentine’s day.

"See, I told you no one wants to watch crap like this." The thing was, I had nothing against movies like this, but I acted like I did because I was here with a couple, okay, I needed to be cool and the fact that no one else seemed to be here helped me a lot.

"Louis, Niall is laughing about my movie taste." Harry whined, leaning into his boyfriend and earning a kiss on the head, I looked away, but too late to miss Harry’s grin in my direction.

"Don’t worry." So then they would continue to whisper to each other, which meant I had time to let my thoughts wander and guess where they went.

That’s why I tried to concentrate on the movie, Harry ended up being in the middle luckily, so I stole half of his food whenever he was busy kissing Louis. So that was like, every five seconds, I’d get fat, definitely.

"Aww, look, isn’t that cute." It was, but I laughed as if I didn’t get sad while watching couples on a big screen in front of me and having the most cheesy one right next to me.

"You’re such a girl Harry, I would’ve never thought that." He glared at me for that, while Louis just smiled and not even gave us a look but just massaged the back of Harry’s hand as if he needed to calm him down for my comment.

"That remembers me of the time we watched this horror movie and you asked me to go to the bathroom with you." I was mad while Louis let out a laugh, interested in the conversation now and since Harry liked to make his boyfriend laugh, he kept on talking about this, going into detail. "And then he nearly started crying because I turned off the lights and hid behind a corner and he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep for like a week and-"

"We get it, I was scared." I interrupted him, he had way too much fun with this.

"So now, who’s the girl, Niall?" He kept on teasing me, chuckling at my face that had turned red from anger, nice, at least I was entertaining them, that’s probably the only reason why they had asked me to come along.

"Let it be, Haz, I think he’s going to explode." Louis tried not to laugh obviously, but I could only judge this by hearing his voice, because in fact I was so pissed off now that I didn’t even wanna look at them, barely thinking about the weird nickname Harry had gotten from his boyfriend.

"Psh, maybe I wanna watch this movie." That just made them both laugh and no one told them to shut the fuck up because I really had bad luck and was stuck alone with the two of them.

"Next time we’ll watch a horror movie again, okay? Maybe that will satisfy you." God, I mean like, nice for them that they had so much fun together but I would’ve preferred if it hadn’t been on my costs.

From there I tried to ignore what they said, because it kept being jokes involving me and horror movies, which wasn’t good because it reminded me of Liam again and suddenly I wished that he would be here instead, or at least be here at all, he had even agreed to share a blanket with me so I would calm down and Harry just told his boyfriend about my fears and they laughed their asses off. Think about that.

Anyway, I started feeling guilty for my thoughts and pushed them away, throwing a glance at the other two. Harry was snuggled into Louis now, who had his arms around the younger boy and let his fingers run across his bare skin, they seemed so close, I could almost hear my heart breaking and feel the pain from the pieces digging into my skin. Okay, that was definitely not true, but it did make me sad a bit and I had no idea why, I had never cared about not having a girlfriend and now suddenly I did or what? No, that wasn’t the problem, but I was unable to figure out what it was, so.

"Hey, sorry, for making those jokes, okay? That doesn’t mean you’ll never hang out with us again, right?" Harry obviously felt a bit bad after we were walking out and I still hadn’t said a word, but no, actually I didn’t feel anything near mad, just really confused now because of my feelings during the movie.

"No, but only if Louis buys more popcorn next time." Wow, that was really rude and anyway, I had been the one who had eaten all of it out of frustration.

"Alright." Louis found it funny anyway, I had a feeling that he found everything funny and couldn’t imagine him getting mad at Harry for confessing his feelings even if he wouldn’t have felt the same in return, maybe that meant Harry was more insecure than everyone thought. Nice that I finally started to figure out my best friend after ten years, good job.

"Okay…well, I have to go, my mum will rip my head off otherwise." This was the truth okay, maybe I also felt the need to cry now, but still I wasn’t lying.

"Give her a kiss from me." Both me and Louis looked at Harry suddenly, both a bit confused and maybe a bit disgusted, so he would turn red, looking at his boyfriend, apologizing. "Sorry."

"I’m used to it." Louis shrugged, about to smile again.

"Yeah, me too." It was true and actually it wasn’t funny at all, I mean like, the things going on between my mum and Harry freaked me out sometimes, hopefully they’d stop now. "Anyway, bye guys."

I didn’t wait for them to say goodbye before I turned around, but after a few meters I got curious and couldn’t help but throw a glance over my shoulder, which made me grin. Harry obviously had complained that he didn’t wanna walk and Louis had obviously agreed to carry him on his back, so that was what I saw, and heard, because they seemed to have a lot of fun.

"LOUIS I’M GONNA FALL DOWN YOU IDIOT!" Well and that, but he was interrupted by giggles and shortly before I got into my car I saw them kissing, so it seemed to be alright, now at least Harry was in good hands, that should calm me down. At least a tiny bit.

 

When I got home my mum wanted to hear every single bit, maybe because she missed Harry and maybe because she was really worried about me being away for so long. Actually I should be happy that she had let me go at all.

"Yeah, it was great, a friend of him, Louis, he was there too." A friend sounded good.

"Oh, really? What did you watch?" The question came out very suspicious, I felt like she had stalked the movies they were showing and was testing my honesty now, so there was no way I could’ve lied.

"Uhmm… Valentines day." I mumbled, not looking at her and really glad that my father wasn’t around, because her reaction was enough already.

"Louis is a boy, right?" Was all she wanted to know and when I nodded, she stayed quiet for some time, probably studying my face. It was so damn embarrassing, I didn’t even wanna know what she thought of this all.

"Well, okay, you better not tell your dad." Really relieved that that was all I’d get for watching the biggest girly movie ever with two guys, I rushed off to my room, immediately splashing cold water into my face and trying to cool down.

It was all good, I’d just not think about what my mum was probably asking herself downstair or what my dad’s face would look like if he found out.

In order to make those thoughts go away I decided I could go and shower, which helped, but only for so long and then I got out and felt miserable again.

I stared at myself in the mirror for some time, realizing that my hair looked like shit, like always, it would’ve been more of a surprise if it wouldn’t have, and almost immediately envied Liam again, next to him I probably looked even worse than I did all by myself as an outsider.

Thinking of Liam, I missed him terribly, even more now that I was alone and not distracted by two lovebirds making out constantly and cracking bad jokes about me being a coward, which was the truth, obviously.

But anyway, I didn’t wanna feel this way, okay, because I had gotten used to being alone and I quite enjoyed it, not having to come up with things to say all the time and stuff, but now Liam was there and had messed up all my plans completely.

I should be mad at him for that, I should tell him what he had done, but that would only end with me blushing and him probably starting to cry from laughing so much about me for being a freak.

Instead of trying and making this painful stinging of not having him here going away, I just texted him, yeah, that was really pathetic, but I had sent it before I was even realizing what I had done.

That was very rare for me to do, too, because usually I over thought things a million times before I ended up doing nothing at all and just accepting it.

So I sat there, on my bathroom floor, jumping when my phone vibrated, because I hadn’t expected that, but still too scared to look at it right away, until I remembered that Liam wasn’t a mean person and therefore his answer wouldn’t be either. Still, my hands were shaking and I felt the need to throw up.

'Not much, you?' Okay, well, that could mean anything, maybe I bothered him. But he had said “not much” so I couldn't bother him when he wasn't even doing anything, right?

'Me neither, I'm just really bored.' Was this mean? God, why did I have to question everything so much?

I got up, walking around, the actual reason was because I was too excited for Liam to text back, but I told myself that it was because I had been sitting around for too long today and it worked, so I calmed down, being able to stop myself from shaking and opening the message right away this time.

'You could come over and we watch some more horror movies :)' Somehow it didn't bother me that he made jokes about it as well, actually, I grinned, too wide.

'Ha, ha. But only if we ask Lora to join us.' The thought alone made me shiver, what would she say if I showed up at their house at like nine? Hmm… that priceless face wasn't worth the glares and the names on monday, so I stopped thinking about it.

'Tomorrow's no school, she won't come back home until tomorrow night or saturday.' Why did he tell me that, I had been joking.

'I'm sorry you have to survive so many hours without her lovely presence.' Okay, maybe this was going too far, I shouldn't be talking about her like this, she was his sister, after all, but it was too late, so hopefully he wouldn't mad at me, right now, that would've probably made me cry again.

'Thanks. But I really meant it, come over, my parents want me to take Hunter for a walk, but it's really boring to go all by myself.' He wanted me to come over? Was this for real? Or did he just feel bad for me? Shit, I really wanted to, but my mum would never let me. Would she?

'But it's really late. ' I didn't want it to sound like I was looking for excuses, so I hoped Liam knew me enough by know to understand what I was trying to say. Because I didn't, I was biting my thumb nail until I started bleeding, I know I am stupid and overreacting, okay, but I wasn't used to be invited to people's houses and actually wanting to go so bad that it made me sick. The reason was probably because I longed for feeling all those things Liam managed to do to me only with his presence… that sounded really shitty.

'It's not, come on, Nialler.' That nickname and it's affects on me were the strangest things ever.

'I can't get into the house anymore after ten.' That was true, as much as I hated to tell him that, but I couldn't just drive there for almost fifteen minutes and all that, just so we'd be able to spend like half an hour together, I mean apart from the fact that my mum would never let me go.

'Actually I meant you stay over night.' Okay, no need to freak out, right, I mean like… okay fine, I freaked out at this, I wasn't even able to sit still anymore and even walking around like a maniac didn't satisfy me, so I just walked downstairs, looking for my mum.

"Hey, mum?" She was still alone, so my voice coming out of nowhere made her jump, but I just ignored that, because I was too nervous and I needed to stick to my plan or I’d chicken out again.

"Yes, honey?" Maybe I should tell her about Liam’s nickname, but then I thought, no, it would sound stupid out of anyone else’s mouth.

"Well… you know I wondered… I mean like, Liam felt bad because he was at my house twice now and so… he wants me to stay at his house tonight and I told him that it’s really late and stuff but he insisted on it… so can I go, please?" Lies over lies here, but I tried that stupid face Harry always did, even though I expected yelling and being grounded or so, but she sighed. She SIGHED.

"What am I gonna tell your father about this?" Wow, hadn’t thought of something like that.

I had only always heard my dad trying to convince her to let me out of the house again and now it was completely different and the only reason was because he thought I wasn’t acting like a boy my age should.

"Tell him the truth." On the outside, I just shrugged and sounded like I didn’t even care, but on the inside I was really scared of his reaction when I came back home.

"He’s not gonna like that, you know. But Liam’s really nice and I… well, okay, listen. I’m really hoping that you’re getting better if you find some friends and… go out more, so you’re allowed to go and I’ll trust you. But, Niall, don’t mess this up, okay?" The look she gave me didn’t let me doubt one second what would happen if I would.

"Thanks mum, I promise." I gave her a smile, which wasn’t forced because I was happy I’d see Liam soon, so she was satisfied for now, but the worries were still there for sure, only that she’d have to deal with them alone, because I really hurried up to get out of the house after I told Liam about it and nearly broke my phone because it fell down twice while I tried to write in a somewhat understandable language.


	8. Chapter 8

When I got there, my excitement had already turned into fear again, I even considered making up a story about how I had run out of gas, but then I pulled myself together, and even managed to knock, but only because I remembered that Liam had been through this too, when he came to visit me yesterday.

Only that I didn’t have to face his mum, because he opened the door by himself, it was probably interesting to say that my stomach reacted to this before I could.

"Wow, you’re a really slow driver." Liam joked, I just rolled my eyes, he had been there with me while I had been driving a few times and now he complained about it, as if.

"I think I’m gonna drive right back." Without noticing, I had started smiling at the exact same time as he had, I wanted to stop, because I was scared he had noticed it too, but I couldn’t.

"If you want me to die from boredom, just go ahead." He just shrugged, but then he turned around and called for his dog, who would come running towards us immediately, nearly knocking me off my feet, which made Liam chuckle. "Hey mum, Niall and I are taking Hunter for a walk, see you later." This meant he had told my parents about me? Ugh, I was already about to blush again, what a surprise, but instead I kept stroking the dog, pretending that everything was fine.

"Okay, let’s go." There was no answer from his mum, but he didn’t care and just closed the door after putting on his shoes, looking at me, he suddenly grinned all cheeky like he had when he asked me to watch this awful movie. "Hey, we could take the way through the woods."

"Are you making fun of me?" I tried to act brave, but the thought of doing that wasn’t really comfortable, so I played with the zipper on my jacket, making it very obvious what I was really feeling.

"Sorry, okay, we’ll take another path." His face had gotten softer now after he quickly checked my face, but that wasn’t what I wanted either.

"No, it’s fine." Maybe I could make it up for being such a coward last time by just surviving this, but I really doubted it, I was scared already and not able to look at his face, so instead I made sure I at least wouldn’t stumble while walking.

"Well, if you want to. But don’t worry, I’ll protect you." Liam sounded serious about this and I didn’t know what to reply, because I thought of what Harry would’ve said if he would be here instead.

Since I had just decided to let this conversation end, we walked in silence for some time, it wasn’t weird, but I think my breath was a bit too loud and I might have looked over my shoulder too often.

Luckily Liam didn’t comment on it, he also didn’t laugh, as if he knew when it was okay to make jokes about something and when I was really being serious, and I was, dead serious, in my head I was already planning out my own funeral which wasn’t very difficult because I could count down the people who’d come on one hand, pathetic.

So in order to cheer myself up, I just started telling Liam about things from my boring life without any reason. “My mum really seems to love you, usually I have to beg before I’m allowed to go anywhere, but when I asked her before, she said yes right away.” No idea why I was stupid enough to tell him that.

"Why do you have to beg?" Liam looked at me confused, but not really surprised, great now I had to explain that.

"Because she’s like… overprotective, it’s really annoying." I shrugged, trying to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal to me, like there was no reason why she was like this.

"What’s with your dad?" Next great question, I should’ve really told him something else, but on the other hand, it was nice that someone actually sounded like they were interested in my life, even though I couldn’t understand that.

"He let’s me go anywhere as long as it involves me behaving the way he thinks I should, you know like, beating someone up." I tried to laugh and actually managed to, but Liam’s smile turned into a grimace, that was when I remembered something. "Hey Liam…"

"Yeah?" He was busy making Hunter stop from eating some things from the street, so I felt more confident saying this.

"My dad he… met your dad and … they talked. About you. And why you had to leave your old school." I felt like he should know, but his reaction was a bit unexpected, actually his head snapped and he stared at me with wide eyes.

"He told him that I’m-"

"No!" Liam relaxed a bit again. "No. Just that it was because of bullies."

"Guess your dad doesn’t like me, then." It actually surprised me that hearing it from him out loud now bothered me, how could someone not like Liam? Okay, well, I seemed to be the only one who did.

"Not so…much." He hadn’t looked like he would care, but somehow maybe he did, at least I would care if his parents hated me, even though I didn’t know why. "But he doesn’t really seem to like me either, so never mind."

"I bet he does like you." The expression on his face showed that he was worried now, so I tried to smile a bit.

"I honestly don’t really care anymore, he just wants me to have a girlfriend or things like that, but I don’t want to and I never did." Now the topic had changed, I knew because Liam looked at me, surprised, which confused me. "What?"

"You never had a girlfriend?" Was he judging me or what?

"No." I waited for him to laugh, but actually he didn’t, he just thought about it for a while.

"Then I’m really glad you didn’t give Lora a chance just because." He seemed to be in a better mood now and honestly, that didn’t clear things up in any way.

"Why?" I couldn’t understand the way he was thinking anymore and that bothered me a lot.

"Because well…" Liam bit onto his bottom lip, not looking at me anymore but watching his dog’s tail wag in front of us. "You shouldn’t be with someone just because that’s what people expect from you, because that’s what I did. I kissed that girl one time and we started dating, but only because I felt embarrassed for being single all the time and I still regret this until today."

"Why?" Was it really that bad kissing a girl? Ha, ha, I’d probably never find out about this, would I. But somehow, I don’t know, I didn’t like to think about that he had kissed a girl, I just couldn’t imagine that and well…no that was the only reason, definitely.

"I found out I am gay, remember?" Liam actually laughed about this, but I just blushed for being so stupid, I wondered if he ever had a boyfriend, but I didn’t dare to ask.

"Sorry. It’s just I don’t know anything about stuff like this." Except that I knew how it was like to kiss him, but I’d rather die than bringing this up, so I pretended it never happened, this couldn’t even be called a kiss at all, that would’ve required him to kiss me back I think.

"I would’ve never expected that, to be honest." There were still chuckles coming out of his mouth, but now he looked at me, impressed somehow and once again I didn’t know what he was talking about.

"Why not?" Had he honestly thought that girls liked me, was he blind or not present in school, or…

"I don’t know, just… you’re like… okay, this would sound weird if I say it. Let’s just say that Lora only dated guys who are good looking before." What? I turned around and stared at Liam, but his cheeks were red now and he still pretended to be too fascinated by the way his dog moved.

Now it was my turn to laugh, but he didn’t join me, so I quickly stopped again. I couldn’t believe that he had just said that, but why would he lie, totally unnecessary, maybe he wanted to cheer me up or so.

"Well thanks… I guess." Thanking him didn’t make things better, he just shrugged.

"I’m just telling you how it is." Well, if he actually told the truth then he was like the first person apart from my mum who thought about me like that, I mean like, I didn’t think that I was too ugly, but I always compared myself to Harry and obviously I couldn’t compete so I had given up worrying.

No idea why, but that made me smile, until I started to look around for the first time since we had started walking and realized that we weren’t even surrounded by houses anymore, but by a field, so I nearly stumbled, because I was so shocked, the fear came back crawling into my bones.

"Do you like… walk around here often?" The thought of being here all by myself was like the creepiest thing ever, I made sure my sleeves covered my hands as well and hold onto them tightly.

"Well, yes." Liam was confused, yet surprised, at the sudden change of the topic, he looked over, probably seeing how white my face had gotten.

"It’s really… nice." The obvious lie made him laugh, finally, for real, but he calmed down again quickly, because he realized that I wanted to turn around and run back screaming. But I didn’t okay, I behaved well and just kept on walking next to him, trying to deal with the fact that this was just an open field and he had said something about a wood. Yay.

"It’s all good, okay?" He put his arm around my should and rubbed it a few times, pulling me a bit closer to him before letting go again, but I kept the small distance, it felt better. "And remember, Hunter is a killer and I am too, obviously, so you should be pretty safe." I would’ve laughed, but I was scared of who might hear me, so I didn’t and he sighed quietly.

"I’m not scared." Was all I said, making Liam grin even though he tried not to.

"Of course not." It was like he was talking to a child. "You’re just afraid that someone might step up from behind and kidnap you, right?"

As he said that I turned around immediately, shocked, just to see that there was nothing, only lights from his neighborhood, too far away, and I tried to be angry at him for saying things like that and laughing at me now, but instead I looked at my feet, trying to calm down.

"Aww, I’m sorry, Niall, come here." That was the difference between Liam and Harry, when Harry made jokes like that, because those were exact the same kind, he wouldn’t stop laughing for about ten minutes and when he did, he’d come up with the next things, but Liam actually sounded guilty now as he put his arm around my shoulder again, keeping it there this time. It made it a bit harder to walk, but who cares right, I was too pleased with what he was doing, that scared me even more than my soon and unpreventable death.

"Maybe we should go back instead." Liam suggested when we had gone a few steps into the wood and I wouldn’t even be able to talk to him, because I was busy checking whether something was following us.

"O-Okay." My teeth were chattering, wow, we had reached a whole new level, this certainly would make him forget how scared I had been after watching this movie, of course, I was doing such a great job.

"My parents told me not to come back too late anyway." He tried to comfort me, which was nice, because actually I felt bad for him that I was here and kept him from doing things like that.

"How late is it?" Because I didn’t dare to check myself, but then i realized that Liam couldn’t check either, because he still was holding me and Hunter’s leash in the other hand.

He handed me the leash, though. Okay.

"Shortly after ten." God, my mum would probably freak out if she ever found out about this, I really hoped my dad and Liam’s would never meet ever again.

It was comforting how now the lights were coming closer again, but that didn’t mean that I was too calm, because now I had the empty street and the wood in my back so basically, I couldn’t be pleased anyway.

Liam started talking about some things, but it wasn’t like before now that I was constantly aware of the fact that it was really late and really dark and the field was fucking creepy, so he would just move on to rubbing my arm softly for quite some time, which distracted me a lot, mostly because I was worried about the fact WHY it distracted me.

 

I didn’t know whether I liked the fact that we made it back to his house alive, I mean like, I didn’t want to meet his parents and I really hoped they’d just leave us alone, but they probably wouldn’t, at least I wouldn’t if people came to my house at a time like this, but how could I know if this was normal or not.

After I had gotten my stuff out of the car, Liam looked at me as if he wanted to say something, but then he didn’t and just smiled, which confused me, but I smiled back anyway, what a surprise.

"We’re back." He just yelled into the house, before closing the door behind me, even that sound almost made me jump, I was way too nervous.

In fact, I was also paranoid, because I checked for shoes that would look like they belonged to Lora and only calmed down when I didn’t find any. Meeting her now and here would probably be the end of the world, not only for me, but also for her brother.

"Hi, Niall." His mum was okay actually, she smiled at me and I tried to smile back like last time, get it over with.

Anyway, she didn’t give me time to answer, but just turned straight to her son, the smile was gone.

"Did you let Hunter run through mud again? Because if so, then you better go wash him and by washing I don’t mean making him clean himself in your sister’s bed." According to Liam’s grin, he had done that a lot of times, his mum rolled her eyes.

"He’s not dirty, we only walked along the street."

"He better not be, because I don’t think Niall wants to sleep on a couch with him if he is." I quickly checked the dog’s paws myself, scared now somehow, but Liam hadn’t been lying. "Okay, I’m really tired, I just waited for you to come back, goodnight, boys." She gave me another smile that didn’t seem to be fake at all, then again, as she turned to Liam, she didn’t look mad when she realized that he was still grinning, so instead of a smile, she kissed him on the cheek. And he didn’t seem to care at all, he didn’t even blush. Well maybe I also wouldn’t care about my mum’s nicknames if she’d let me go out go the house without it being a drama. Okay, well, actually this was my own fault.

"Night, mum." Liam turned to me again after she had disappeared upstairs, more serious again. "If my dad asks you if you are friends with Lora, just say you talked to her maybe once, because he is very protective about his little girl." He grimaced, but I just nodded anyway, scared now of what would happen if he found out about the truth.

We only went to the kitchen because Liam told me he was starving, almost apologizing, so of course his dad was there, too, smashing my hopes.

"So, you’re Niall?" I felt stupid, the way he looked at me and everything, I suddenly wondered if my father had told him anything about me. Most likely not, this was too embarrassing, not for me, for him.

"Dad, I told you about three times." Liam turned around from going through the fridge and rolled his eyes, while I was just awkwardly standing there, wanting to tell him to hurry up, but still stuck wondering when he got the chance to talk about me with his father three times.

"I was just trying to be nice, okay? So, hi, Niall. I really hope you survive the night in a room with Liam, because he snores terribly." Then he laughed, probably thinking he was getting me worried, but Liam and me shared a look, both blushing a bit, so I hurried to bring my attention to his dad again.

"I hope so." How would he react if I told him that you could barely hear his son breathing even if you were lying right next to him on a too small couch? Hmm.

"I’d offer you his sisters’ room but you know…" I didn’t. "Anyway, she told me she’d call, I better look for my phone." Now he stood up and I relaxed a bit at the thought of him leaving finally. "Oh, Liam, I need your help on saturday, just so you know." Probably he was talking about his work or so.

"Mhmm." When I turned around, Liam’s mouth was full with something that looked a lot like someone liked chocolate too much, so he couldn’t give a proper answer and just kinda shoved me towards the door, his father didn’t care anyway.

"What was more scary, the woods or my parents?" He wanted to know, laughing a bit while we were going upstairs, I didn’t know how to respond, because I really wasn’t sure, but he didn’t expect me to anyway.

As soon as we were in his room, he locked the door, looking at me. “That’s a bad habit ever since I saw you doing it all the time.” Right, because of my crazy mum and he probably did it because of his sister.

I looked around his room, I mean yeah, I know how it looked, but I was amazed by the fact that it felt familiar somehow, but not as much as Liam’s face and how his dog would already be waiting on the couch. What was wrong with me, honestly?

So after I was done having creepy thoughts, Liam offered me some of his chocolate, but I turned it down, and I had a pretty good excuse.

"No thanks, Harry made me go to the cinema with him and a friend and I ate like, all their stuff." I had almost said boyfriend, I was so stupid. Anyway, Liam probably was the only one I would be safe to talk about this, but I couldn’t betray Harry like that of course.

"Oh, okay." Liam shrugged, somehow happy that he didn’t need to share. "What did you watch?" Ha, ha.

"Well…" Telling my mum was embarrassing but telling him felt like dying, so I hoped he’d forget, but he didn’t.

"Let me guess, it wasn’t a horror a movie?" He grinned, walking over to his bed and showing me that it was okay if I sat down too, I don’t know why I started being like this again, thinking about how he had even slept in mine.

"Definitely not, no." I’d never let anyone convince me to watch something like that in so big, no way.

"So, I guess it’s so embarrassing then that I don’t wanna know, right?" Relieved that he let me get away with a nod, I started to like him even more for that and I hadn’t thought that that was possible. But obviously it was.

Since he didn’t have a TV we had to watch DVD’s on his laptop, but I didn’t mind, and no this was not because you had to get closer when doing that, or maybe only a little bit, but I still had that creepy forrest in the back of my mind, okay.

This time, Liam actually let me choose the movie, so we ended up watching Transformers, and I mean, I didn’t even like this movie a lot, but I had just picked that one because I felt okay with it. But of course, Liam thought something completely different.

"So, I bet you’ve never listened to anything they say in this movie because you keep staring at Megan Fox." At this point, we were half lying on his bed, both in other clothes now, and I had just tried to not stare at his face and his messy hair but at his laptop, honestly, when he said that I first of all was like, speechless.

"Wait, what?" Liam laughed, but then he turned around and saw that I meant it, honestly, I had never noticed Megan Fox in Transformers and thinking about that, I was really weird.

"Are you kidding me? Even I think she’s hot… or so." Okay, definitely not.

"She’s okay." I said then, because I felt like telling him that I hadn’t looked close enough to be able to judge would’ve made his eyes fall out.

"I’m shocked." Was all he said, but when I looked at his face again after some time, he was still smiling, and definitely not about the movie, so I bet he had been lying.

The thing was, his bed probably was bigger than mine, so it turned out to be more comfortable and I got really tired, like I always did, and Liam noticed how hard it was for me to keep my eyes open or try to concentrate on he movie that maybe was worse than Valentines day, but he didn’t say anything to keep me awake and just let me.

So I slept in and the only thing I barely noticed was Liam climbing over me and out of the bed before pulling the blanket higher because it was like, really cold.

 

This time it wasn’t like last time when I had slept at his house, maybe I was missing his dog, but no, not really, I just woke up at some point when it was still pitch black outside and couldn’t fall asleep anymore.

So I was a bit confused first, but then I realized that I was still in Liam’s bed and he was gone probably sleeping on the couch now squeezed together with his dog, but he could’ve also been dead because as said, I didn’t hear him breathing.

But it was weird being awake alone at his house at a time like this, usually when that happened to me at Harry’s, I just wouldn’t care and get up again and just do something until I got sleepy, but it was different here.

So that limited it down to two options, I could either stare into the darkness for a bit longer, or wake Liam up with a good excuse.

"Liam?" Of course he didn’t wake up, but I heard him turning, so I just quickly got over to the couch and leaned down. "Hey, Liam, I’m sorry I slept in, you wanna have your bed back?" Okay, I have to confess that this was really stupid, maybe I should’ve checked the time, I regretted the words as soon as they were out and hoped he wouldn’t wake up, but of course, he did.

"Niall… sometimes I really don’t understand what goes on in your mind." He groaned and turned, before sitting up, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"I’m sorry." It didn’t sound like I was, because I was happy that I wasn’t alone anymore and the best thing was, even if I would have blushed, he wouldn’t have seen it because it was so dark.

"Okay, what’s the matter? Can’t you fall asleep?" Liam had figured me out right away, so I gave in without even trying and sighed.

"No…" And it also wouldn’t help if I changed with him and got the couch instead, because Hunter had made it his own by the time Liam wasn’t lying anymore. I guess he even had more trouble than me because there was some height difference between us, so I started feeling bad and offered it anyway. "Do you want your bed back now?"

"Yeah, but I don’t think you have better chances to fall asleep here, so never mind then." Why was he so thoughtful, he was so nice it made me feel weird again.

"Sorry I woke you." By the time I realized how stupid I really was, I blushed hard and just got back into his bed, but all I heard was a chuckle, luckily he wasn’t mad at me now.

"Just try and sleep okay, Hunter won’t let me be comfortable here anyway, so I’ll be awake, if that helps you." Maybe he added the last part because he thought I was scared again, but I really wasn’t, I just somehow wished that it could be just like when we stayed at my house, because I hated to admit it, but falling asleep being close to him was easier than alone. So maybe that explained what I asked then, even if I told myself that I had a completely different reason to.

"We could… share your bed." At first I thought he’d laugh, but actually he stayed quiet for some time and I blushed even more.

"Hmm… would you mind?" That was a yes, right?

"No." My answer came out way too fast, but hey, he just wanted to be comfortable and I felt guilty okay, that was all and nothing more, and my heart just started beating like that because… just because, yeah.

But it didn’t bother me in any way to make enough space for him and move over so I nearly hit the wall, I felt completely okay with that.

Even though I tried my best, I wasn’t able to cool down after Liam was there next to me, brushing his arm against mine on accident, I like to think it was because it didn’t feel normal, but the truth was that it was way too familiar by now and I felt the need to kiss him again, which I really shouldn’t, so I kept my mouth shut in order not to bother him.

"Are you okay?" Liam suddenly wanted to know, sounding as if he would really mind if I said no, but thinking about it, being here with him and even though we weren’t sharing a blanket and didn’t touch was making me happier than anything else could’ve at this moment. Except for kissing him, that’d be nice too. Or having him play with my hair. But I couldn’t have everything in life.

"I think so. Why?" Because I didn’t think that I had given him a reason to think that I wasn’t.

"I’m just checking, you… you told me yourself, you’re not the happiest person. And anyway… sometimes I notice that myself." The words came out slowly and careful, he moved nervously, but I just kept lying there, thinking about it for a second and coming to the conclusion that he was right, I really didn’t act like things were alright at all, even though I tried.

"No, I’m fine, thanks for asking." Because no one else ever asked and meant it like he had. "And you?"

"Yeah… I’m okay, too." Okay, well, considering that I knew about his self harm and he knew I had to take antidepressants and felt urges to jump off a cliff, our answers seemed pretty dumb, Liam noticed that, too, because he cleared his throat and I heard him closer now, I think he was leaning onto his elbow now, looking down at me in the darkness. "Niall, remember when you asked me if I had cut myself again and I wanted to ask you something as well and you said I shouldn’t."

"Yeah…" I was only whispering, keeping my eyes closed and trying not to freak out about what would come now.

"It’s been bothering me ever since I got home from the cliffs and I thought about everything you said and how you were just trying to deal with it and didn’t get upset. So can I ask now, please?" He was asking for my permission, can you believe that? Who asked for permission to talk about something that was more than obvious. Well, Liam did, obviously, because he seemed to be worried about me and that was the only reason for why I agreed.

"Okay." It wasn’t a secret anyway.

"Do you cut yourself?" Liam was whispering now, too, I think I could almost hear how fast his heart was beating, but mine was louder, I felt dizzy actually.

"I stopped. I mean, I’m trying to…well, I have to." Because there was no space anymore, because my family knew and my therapist and because I pretended to be normal, but I didn’t say those things.

"Why do you have to? Did anyone find out?" I felt like he was trying to relate to this, maybe finding comfort in my story or probably looking for a reason so he would be able to stop himself, that’s why I had told him the truth, because he was the first person I have ever met who understood.

"Well… it’s a bit more complicating than that, but yeah, my parents know and Harry does too, and well, you do now. And I’m really suggesting you should try and stop, Liam, because I have really messed things up, not only with cutting, but that’s only the beginning, you know what I’m saying?" Of course he couldn’t know because I was talking absolute bullshit here, anyway, that was only half the story, I saved him from the other part, mostly because I was scared he wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore, but I needed him, I had finally been able to confess that to myself.

"Okay, I’ll try." I was really glad he didn’t ask anything else, because I would have had to lie or keep quiet.

"I’m here, okay, if you struggle, I mean. I know it’s hard." Probably better not to tell him that I still thought about it all the time.

"Thank you." Now his breath hit my cheek, maybe his bed wasn’t so big after all, however, I decided to open my eyes finally and once they got used to the darkness, I could actually see that there really wasn’t that much space between us anymore. "I feel somehow dumb for whining about how I can’t stop when I know that yours is much worse even though I don’t know what’s up."

"Trust me, you don’t even wanna know. And anyway, you don’t have to feel dumb okay, I’m really glad I know about it and can try and help you." Okay, well, obviously I wasn’t doing a really good job.

"I think I do wanna know, but it’s okay if you don’t tell me. But if you want to talk then…" He probably bit his lip now, like he always did, I could imagine that as if it was happening right in front of me.

"No you don’t, Liam, and anyway I just… I can’t, okay? That would mean I’d have to show you all my scars and I really wanna save you from that, because it’s fucking disgusting and Harry’s eyes nearly fell out when my sleeve slipped up that one time on the first day of school when we drove to the movies and… shit." I had to stop, not only because I was saying way too much, but also because I was starting to cry now, so I turned away from him, just because, trying to dry my eyes.

Liam didn’t say or do anything for a while, but then he just put one arm around me and pulled me closer until I felt his body pressing against my back, he was still leaning on his elbow, so probably he could see my face despite my attempts to hide.

"It’s not disgusting, okay? I mean, I don’t know how bad you’ve cut yourself and how often, but I promise you, it’s not. You don’t need to tell me, it’s fine, I just wanted to let you know that if you want to, you can. And I won’t judge you or be disgusted or so, I promise." It was nice to have someone say this into your ear while holding you close, but he couldn’t promise me that, and I knew, but I didn’t say anything.

Instead I enjoyed his attempts to comfort me, until I decided to turn around, burying my face in his shirt for a second, before I looked at him. I mean, not really, because it was dark, but anyway.

"Hey Liam?" Okay, no, bad idea.

"What, Nialler?" His voice was still worried, his hand was still rubbing circles into my back and the fact that he was the first person that hadn’t freaked out when they found out about my self harm just pushed me over the edge okay. I’m not trying to blame it on all these things, I should’ve kept myself together, but in that moment I just shut everything out and did what I wanted.

Which was leaning forward and kissing him on the lips.

It was just a peck, not long enough so he could react to it, but it felt nice, so maybe that’s why I didn’t feel too embarrassed, but I really thought he’d throw me out now, because I couldn’t see his face. So I quickly put my head down again, snuggling up to him as if nothing had happened.

"What…." He clearly was confused, but he was still holding me, so maybe I hadn’t messed things up. "Why’d you do that?" Was all he asked, he didn’t even sound mad or anything, which was strange.

"I felt like it." That was the truth right, because honestly, I didn’t even know what else to think about it.

"Okay." OKAY, he had said okay to me kissing him out of nowhere and nothing else. Seriously now, that was all, Liam just continued rubbing my back, before he carefully put his arm under my head so he could lay down as well, which brought us even closer. Since I had already crossed the line, now also with him being aware of it, I nuzzled into his neck, breathing in and tried to calm down. "Try and sleep now, okay?"

Honestly, I had not the slightest idea about what was going on in his mind, but I didn’t worry about it too much, because he obviously wasn’t grossed out or annoyed by me at all and even brought his hand into my hair again, knowing that it would help me to sleep in, I was very thankful for that.

 

The next day waking up, I’d like to say that I didn’t feel guilty and hated myself for it, but I did and it was nearly unbearable.

Honestly, what had I been thinking, what was wrong with me, not only had I told him that I had cut myself no, I had encouraged him to share the bed with me, cried like a idiot about how miserable my life is and to top that, I had kissed him. For the second time now. I was so full of shit.

So I got out of Liam’s arms still holding me and sat up, staring down at him and wondering if he would ever forgive me, which made me cry again, waking him up when I started sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" He wanted to know, worried again already, even though he still looked sleepy, I could say that now, because it wasn’t dark anymore.

"I’m sorry." I cried out, ignoring his question and the fact that I made everything worse with not pulling myself together.

"You don’t have to be, everything’s fine, okay?" Why was he still so nice, I mean like, it was as if I could do anything and say anything and he’d never get upset and I couldn’t believe it, I was just waiting for him to tell me to never talk to him again. Probably that was the reason why it was so hard for me to find friends, hmm…

"No, it’s not, don’t pretend, Liam. I know I’m stupid and I’m sorry." I’m aware of the fact that I was behaving like a baby okay, but I couldn’t stop shaking and crying.

"Niall, please, it’s alright, I promise." Again, another promise, why did he promise things all the time?

"No, I kissed you and that’s definitely not alright." Was what I blurted out between the sobs, while Liam sat there helpless in front of me, looking like he wanted to touch me, but he didn’t.

"Why not?" Okay, if I wouldn’t have been crying my eyes out right now and felt like I would choke, then maybe I would’ve found his question weird, because it was. He made it sound like it was okay to run around and kiss your friends on the lips, just because you felt like it. Maybe he thought that’s what I always did, who knows, maybe he thought I did it with all people. But no, he was the only one I had ever wanted to kiss so bad that it hurt, so I told him that, because it didn’t even matter anymore.

"Because I really wanted it and I still want it and… I’m sorry." I was constantly wiping over my already hurting eyes, not really paying attention to what he looked like or anything like that, but I tried to see him clear through my watery eyes when he didn’t reply for a while. Maybe I had managed to take it too far now, great now, I was scared. "L-Liam?"

He never answered to that, because he leaned forward instead and crushed our lips together, totally different from what I had done.

At first, I was shocked and didn’t know what to do, but when I felt how he made me lay back down so he was on top of me, I let it happen and just kissed him back, because well, this was probably a hundred times better than the other two times.

This time I could actually call it a kiss, I mean, not that I was an expert for things like that, but you know.

Liam’s body was pressed against mine, even though he had most of his weight on his elbows, I wished he hadn’t actually, but obviously he still was concerned not to hurt me.

So anyway, it felt like heaven having his lips moving against mine, but then he went farther and made me moan a bit by softly biting my bottom lip, okay this would’ve been embarrassing, but none of us gave a fuck whether I moaned or did whatever, because he used the chance anyway and let his tongue slide into my mouth and that was when I turned off my brain.

There was nothing else that mattered, just him, how his soft hair felt under my fingers, his skin when I let my hand wander under his shirt and up his back and the way I just never wanted to stop kissing him, but we had to at some point, we were running out of oxygen.

"Better now?" Liam asked while trying to catch his breath, there was the hint of a smile on his face, gosh his face was fucking beautiful, even more now, with the red lips and the hair that I had completely messed up.

I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t stand this, I wanted to kiss him again, so I just pulled him down and did it, this time I was the one making him moan, in surprise I think, because I sucked his bottom lip into my mouth, really like, this boy made me lose my mind.

Liam didn’t take long until he pulled away though, I wanted to protest, but he kept me from kissing him again and laughed. “Niall, stop for a second okay?”

"I don’t want to." I groaned, but I couldn’t even turn or anything, because he was still on top of me and I really preferred that so never mind.

"We need to talk about this." Even though he was still smiling at me, I could hear that he meant it and that made me scared again, I don’t think I wanted to talk about it, because well… what could I have said? I didn’t even know what was going on.

"Why?" Okay, probably he wouldn’t like my idea where we carried on without a talk and I could just kiss him as often and as long as I wanted.

"Because you get no more kisses until then." Was he actually threatening me now?

"I hate you." I glared at him, which made him laugh, I could feel it pretty well too, because we were pressed together like this.

"No, you don’t." He was right, of course.

"Okay, but… I don’t know what to say, Liam, I…I just don’t know, okay." First of all, I would have to figure out what was wrong with me in order to be able to say something about this, because honestly, it definitely was not normal how I behaved towards Liam and how my body reacted every time we touched and the fact that I wanted to kiss him nonstop.

"Okay, then let me say something. I know you’re scared and I know that maybe we only know each for like three weeks, but it doesn’t feel like it. And… well, I just want you to know that I’d never hurt you, okay? I’m not suddenly gonna change my mind and run off, I really care about you." His face was serious the whole time, yet soft when he saw that I was about to start bawling again, but he caught the first and only tear with his finger. "Please, trust me, Niall."

"I…I’m trying to, but… I’m so confused and I don’t know anything about stuff like this…" The reason why I didn’t come up with a proper answer was because I suddenly started to question whether I was gay or not, I know like, maybe this was a weird time but I had never thought about it until now.

"It’s okay. We won’t do anything you don’t want." Liam offered and I was kinda relieved, even though it was getting strange, because I had no idea where we were standing anymore, but I felt like I had to say something.

"I really like you, Liam." Okay this probably wasn’t really enough. "I mean like, it doesn’t sound like much, but usually I… I don’t like many people."

"Thanks. I really like you too, you know that, right?" His smile was soft and I felt happy because of what he had said. He liked me.

"Can I have a kiss now?" I asked shyly, so he ignored my flushed cheeks and leaned down to connect our lips, much shorter this time, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t just as amazing, actually it gave me goose bumps.

"What does that mean now?" Hopefully he knew that I meant everything and not just that one kiss.

"Whatever you want." Liam shrugged, before he suddenly sat back up, pulling me with him so now we were in a normal position again, but I missed being so close to him, so I leaned my head onto his shoulder and pressed my face into his neck.

"Okay." So this meant… I’d probably worry about that for the rest of the weekend, trying to figure out if I was gay or not, if I lost my sanity, if Liam really liked me, how much he liked and all that stuff.

But for now I didn’t really care, because he wrapped both his arms around me tightly and kissed the top of my head, before resting his cheeks on it and rocking us gently back and forth. I felt so safe and comfortable with him, it was like for those minutes everything really was alright.

 

After I came back home, I was more confused than ever and to make it even worse, I missed Liam even more than I ever had.

I missed his kisses, his arms around me, the way we could just cuddle and talk and how his laugh sounded… god, I needed to figure this out.

When we left his room sometime to get some food, we ran into his mum, who looked at the both of us, which made me blush, so I think I had basically spilled it to her, but she just smiled and left us alone.

Maybe that was why Liam got along with her so well, because she obviously accepted that he was gay and loved him regardless, I really wished my mum would be more like her, but then again, being gay wasn’t something you get to choose…

Talking about that, was I gay?

Okay, yes, well… I had kissed Liam and I felt things for him I had never felt for anyone else before, but… well, I guess I needed to face the truth finally.

I liked Liam, A LOT, and leaving him today had nearly killed me even though he had promised me we’d find a way to see us on sunday, because he needed to help his dad tomorrow, but still, it really wasn’t easy okay, and I had never had something like a crush on anyone. I mean this wasn’t a crush, that didn’t sound right, but… well maybe…

But anyway, none of that mattered because we hadn’t talked about couple things or so, we still were only… friends…. or maybe not. I didn’t know okay, I was fucking confused and scared.

So when my mum asked me if it had been fun, I thought she could read it in my face, but I forced a smile a said yes.

And when my dad made a comment about that Liam and me spend quite some time together, I blushed hard, but he didn’t see, so I just let him think whatever he wanted, knowing that I’d never be able to tell him anything about this.

That was the other thing, what if this took like… overhand, how would people react to this?

At some point I got really scared, but then I remembered that I had a best friend who actually should know about all of this, so I grabbed my phone and just called Harry, ignoring the fact that he and Louis might wanted to be alone.

"Hey, Niall I-" Harry sounded as if he wanted to say that he’d call me back, but no, not today, okay.

"Harry, I need you right now, please. Can you come over or so? I don’t mind if you take Louis with you, but I need someone to talk to." Maybe it was the fact that I never talked like this, but then he agreed, telling me that he’d be there in half an hour, because Louis had to go somewhere or whatever, I didn’t really listen to that anymore.

So, since my mum would want to talk to him anyway, I didn’t bother going down and telling her or waiting for him to knock on the door, but just waited for her to send him to my room.

Half an hour seemed to be nothing now, because I had so much to think and worry about, I wanted to cry and at the same time smile, which was really stupid, but then I did exactly that until Harry bursted into my room without knocking, but luckily remembered that I always wanted my door locked. Had been a while since he had been in here.

"What’s the matter? You sounded really upset." The good thing was, since he had confessed that he was gay he hugged me a lot more often, and I really needed that right now.

"I…I need to tell you something, but please sit down, okay?" I softly pulled away from him and kept walking up and down while he followed me with his eyes, half lying on my bed.

"I’ve never seen you like this, can you please tell me what’s up?" Harry really did sound worried now and I started feeling guilty, so I stopped my stupid performance that I did out of being so nervous that it could eat me alive and just looked at him.

That was when something inside me finally let me say all those things I had kept from him.

And I told him everything, I mean like, not stuff we had talked about, but I told him about how often we had spend the nights and all that and even how I had kissed Liam when he had been asleep, it felt good to tell something about that… sin, or whatever.

But anyway, I mostly blurted out shit about how I felt, which was weird to say out loud, but whatever, I couldn’t stop myself and Harry actually listened to me for fifteen minutes straight, not interrupting me once.

"… and I miss him terribly even right now and I don’t know what to do, what if he doesn’t even take this serious, Harry? What am I supposed to do, I hardly had any friends in my life and… god, what if he doesn’t even like me and I’m imaging all this stuff?!" Okay, yeah, I overreacted, a lot.

So after that, Harry did something finally, which was standing up and coming over to me, hugging me tightly. “Niall, you’re the best friend I ever had and I promise you, Liam knows exactly how special you are, I’m so glad you finally let someone in, I really am. Sorry, for getting sentimental now, but… I’m so happy god, I could kiss Liam.”

"Uhm Harry…I wanted you to tell me why suddenly everything is so messed up and not that you want to kiss Liam. Anyway, I’m the only one who gets to kiss him, you have Louis." Even though he laughed into my ear, I really felt a bit jealous, but I said nothing more and kept hugging him.

"Sorry, he’s all yours, don’t worry." Now he pulled away, grinning at my blushed face. "Niall, you’re obviously really fucking much in love with Liam Payne."

"But… I’ve never been in love with anyone…" That probably sounded stupid, but it felt okay to say that to Harry since he had been the one who had complained about it the most during the past years.

"Yeah, I know, Niall. I think I know why, because well… to be honest with you know, I thought I have been in love with these girls, but I wasn’t really, and now I spent so much time with Louis and it feels like… like you’ve described it during your little breakout here." You couldn’t really blame Harry for that cheeky smile, he always did it, and maybe this was better than being all serious and crying and stuff.

"So with other words… does this mean I’m gay?" We looked at each other, then Harry sat down on the floor, before falling onto his back from laughing so much, it looked like he was dying from it, but I just stood there, feeling weird because I had been serious, actually. I needed someone to tell me because I didn’t know anything about love and stuff, how would I know if I was in love or gay or straight or whatever.

"I love you so much, Niall, seriously, thanks." Was the first thing he brought out, still chuckling and wiping his eyes.

"I’ve been serious." Because I was still waiting for an answer, I was really patient okay, but that was why I had called him, because I needed my gay best friend to tell me whether I was gay or not. Ha, ha. My life was fucked, seriously.

"I know, that’s just adorable, you should see your face." He chuckled, before pulling me over to my bed and making me sit down, while I was still stuck wondering since when he used words like adorable.

"I’m gonna tell you exactly what to do, okay? Next time you see Liam, you’re gonna tell him everything you’ve just told me. And maybe you should just freak out like that and keep that face you’re just pulling." Like always, Harry seemed like his plan was perfect, like he always thought, but it sure involved me having to take some risks and built up courage I knew I’d never have.

"But, I don’t know how he feels about me, maybe he’s gonna leave me and doesn’t wanna be even friends with me anymore, I can’t lose him." While saying this i was staring at my hands lying in my lap, trying to keep them from shaking, so Harry put an arm around my shoulder.

"Niall, seriously now, if Liam doesn’t like you after all then he is the biggest idiot ever for not seeing how lucky he is that you opened up to him so much. Because I am, and everyone knows that you don’t like people very much, so he should fucking appreciate it, okay? And if he thinks he can kiss you and tell you all these things and then just leave you, I’m gonna kill him, like seriously, if he hurts you in any way, he’s dead." The way he said it didn’t let me doubt one second that he meant every word exactly like that, maybe I should warn Liam. Just kidding.

"And what’s with… you know…" We both looked at my sleeves before I continued talking. "What if like… do you think that’s a reason for him to like me less?"

"No, I think that’s a reason to like you even more, because it shows that you’re strong okay? And despite everything that has happened, you’re still here and people should respect you for that if you ask me."

Now I turned to face Harry, touched by his words, never had he said anything like that, of course, calming words and stuff, but nothing like that, so that’s why I started crying all of a sudden. I was so lucky to have him.

"Thank you so much, I don’t even deserve to have you as a friend." Was all I brought out, because Harry looked at me, shocked about the tears, then he started crying as well.

"Damn you, Niall." He whispered into my hair after we ended up hugging each other again, but of course, he didn’t mean it.

So he would stay over for a bit longer, he never checked his phone and it was just me and him, I really felt a lot better after that, realizing how much I had needed a few hours with him, just us, like it used to be.

But now after that talk and everything, I think we were closer than ever.


	9. Chapter 9

Of course, Harry couldn’t help me with the problem whether I should tell my parents or not, I mean like, I could tell my mum about my realization that I was gay but then she’d probably tell dad who would kill me. Or move out. Or send me into therapy.

Which meant, no one would ever know about this, nothing that happened between me and Liam would ever get public. It couldn’t, he had changed school, exactly because of that, they’d rip us to pieces.

And if we actually told his parents, then maybe Lora would know as well and she certainly wouldn’t keep her mouth shut, would she? Well, maybe for the sake of her brother, but definitely not for me.

Lora… oh my god, she had been the first one to think about this! Okay, well, this was awkward.

Anyway, I spent the next day at home, because I definitely wanted to see Liam again on sunday which meant I had better chances if I didn’t beg my mum to let me out of the house again before that.

Which meant, I had lots of time to figure out what the actual fuck was wrong with me. But I didn’t, because I went to my room, after I was allowed to, and slept in, again, maybe I really had a disease or something like that. However, when I woke up again, it was really late, which meant I’d have to stay up the night, being left alone with my thoughts. That was really dangerous.

So I sat down on my bathroom floor, I did that a lot I know, and started thinking, about everything possible, that was overdue anyway.

When I was done, it was getting lighter outside and I had finally come to a solution.

First of all, I would actually do what Harry had suggested and tell Liam how I felt about him, even though I was still scared, but I was pretty sure that what I felt was more than friendship, because ever since I had imagined how Liam would kiss someone that wasn’t me I wanted to kill myself.

Secondly, if I told him that, I could also tell him everything about me, he was dying to find out anyway and maybe it would help if I talked to someone new about it, which I doubted, but whatever.

And thirdly, I’d just hope for the best, that I wouldn’t cry and that Liam really liked me and kept his promise.

I really, really wanted things to turn out right this time, so I walked down into the kitchen at like five thirty in the morning and drunk as much coffee as I could so I would survive that day.

God, my therapist would freak out on tuesday, not sure if in a good or bad way, because it was a mystery to me whether I was getting better or just slipped even deeper into that hole of shit without even noticing.

 

"And why exactly do you have to invite him over again?" My dad didn’t get it, seriously, he was killing me with those glares that felt like he could see that I was hiding something from him.

"Because we are friends and it’s sunday and I’m bored, what’s so strange about that?" Just because Liam was a guy didn’t mean I was weird.

"Nothing, but I notice that you hang out with him a lot and I’m not sure if I like it. These kids in school, do they accept him?" What kinda question was that?

"Does it matter?" Couldn’t he just be thrilled like my mum about the fact that I wasn’t a friendless loser anymore?

"I just don’t want you to have a bad reputation because you hang out with someone like him. That will only make people hate on you." Well, they already did, but he couldn’t know that either, so I sighed.

"Dad, can he come or not?" Actually, he had no choice, because I had already called Liam over excitedly, that was the caffeine compared with my weirdness and a dash of ‘I’m going to die’.

"Do whatever you want, but if they beat you up, don’t come crying to me." With that he left me alone in the kitchen, not even giving me one last look.

I felt a bit sad after that, forgetting for a second that I’d see my… that I’d see Liam in a few minutes, actually I felt like crying now. Why was everything I did wrong in someone’s eyes? I was trying so hard, why did no one ever tell me that I was doing a good job or so?

While I was about to drown in my self pitying, I nearly fell of the chair when I heard someone knock, since my mum was out somewhere, trusting my dad enough that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me obviously, I was the first one at the door, which was a good thing today.

So I nearly stubbled, but then I reached for the doorknob, nearly ripping it off, and then there was Liam, looking at the ground, but not anymore when he saw me, because that was when he started smiling.

For a second or so, I was suddenly overwhelmed by his appearance, I mean, this had never happened to me before okay, I had always thought about him as good looking, but now I mean… he looked stunning, even in just jeans and a black shirt, there was just something about him.

Maybe I should’ve been embarrassed about that I was only wearing sweatpants and a hoodie that I may or may not haven’t washed for a few days, but it wasn’t dirty okay, I wasn’t disgusting like that.

Anyway, I didn’t let Liam any time to come in and just stepped outside, hugging him tightly, because that was what I had been waiting for ever since he had pecked me on the lips shortly before I left his house.

He laughed about my reaction, wrapping his arms around me as well, hopefully my dad was not looking out of the window right now.

"I missed you like crazy." I just said, it was the truth and anyway I’d confess things much worse than this today, but he didn’t know yet.

"Aww, I missed you too, Nialler." But he pulled away then, to look at me I guess, because that’s what he did, ruffling my hair.

"Liam! It looks like shit anyway." Not that I had tried fix it or so, but now it probably looked worse than ever.

"No, it doesn’t, what are you talking about?" He shook his head at me, but still reached out again and fixed the damage he had done, I really didn’t care about that as much as the fact that he was touching me.

"Whatever, come on." I pulled at his wrist to get him to go inside, because after the first excitement of seeing him, I remembered what I had promised myself I would do today, which made me really, really nervous.

"Are you okay?" Liam asked and looked at me from the side when we walked upstairs, I just nodded, he’d find out soon, there was no need to get him worried now or lie.

"How was it at your dad’s work?" Smalltalk, I was really good at that, especially if I tried to block out things I should say instead.

"Okay. Actually he…" Before continuing, he walked over to my couch, making me go with him, by lightly taking my hand in his, okay, I admit it, I was about to faint, but he let go again quickly once we were sitting. "He asked me if…if I liked you." Of course I knew which kind of liking, Liam wasn’t looking at me anymore.

"What did you say?" My heart was bumping too fast, it didn’t even matter what he would answer, because I didn’t know whether he was honest with his father or not.

"I said….yes." I relaxed, but he quickly continued to talk, probably to change the subject. "And my mum asked me that as well. And by the way, Lora has changed her opinion about you once she found out that you have been staying over night, now she thinks you are really not her type and encouraged me to go for it." Liam laughed, but it sounded really nervous.

"So does that mean you told them that we…" Kissed, yeah, that was the word I didn’t bring over my lips, but it was also what I really wanted to repeat. Like… right now.

"No, but I mean… my mum notices everything and…" Liam shrugged, finally looking up and giving me a crooked smile, my stomach was trying to kill me, I swear, anyway that didn’t keep me from smiling back.

"Liam… I hope you’re not mad but… I told Harry. He will not say anything to anyone, I promise, okay, please don’t be mad." Somehow I still didn’t wanna say that Harry was gay as well, I’d ask for his permission first, but now I was really scared Liam would be pissed, so I dug my nails into my arms that I had wrapped around my knees.

"That’s fine, calm down, Niall." Actually he laughed and reached out to unclench my fingers from my sleeves, softly of course, but it was like a reminder of what I still had to do.

"Okay. I… I need to tell you something else…" This was worse, worse than the moment when I had had to face Harry after it… happened, so I pulled my hands away from him, staring at the wall behind him.

"What’s the matter?" Liam sounded worried, he always did, but right now it was probably the only time when it was actually appropriate to be.

"Well… I changed my mind. About what we were talking about and when I said I didn’t wanna tell you. I do now, I mean… if you still want to listen." There was no way I’d force him to or just shove my blank arms into his face, this was so hard actually, I felt like I would choke.

"Yeah, I do, but only if you really feel like telling me." Our eyes met for a second, his were soft and mine probably showed how nervous I was, but anyway, I needed to do this now or I probably never would, so I nodded.

"I really do. I’ve thought about that a long time and I realized that… I wanna trust you, because I … I like you a lot, you know and… it would only be fair to show you who I really am before you get yourself into… something." God, hopefully I’d get over that stumbling once it was really important.

Liam noticed how nervous I was and how I was playing with my fingers, so he leaned over suddenly, softly kissing my lips before resting his forehead against mine. “It’s alright, okay? Whatever it is, I like you for who your are and I don’t care about what has happened in the past.”

"Okay." I breathed, closing my eyes for a second and enjoying his skin against mine, then he leaned away, taking one of my hands between both of his and intertwined our fingers, then he’d stay quiet.

I nearly smiled about how nice it felt to hold his hand, but I couldn’t, I had to actually calm down for a few seconds, I had never come into a situation like this, how did you start off anyway?

"Okay, so… like, a few years ago, there was this one time when I came home from school and cried about how this kid had made fun of me and my mum wasn’t able to calm me down, so I locked myself into my room and I wasn’t angry at that kid. I was angry at myself, because I realized that he was right, I really was a freak and I really only had Harry as a friend. And at some point I figured that it wasn’t enough what he had done to me, and there where the scissors on my table, because… I had been playing around with the thought you know, I really wished I hadn’t but I did prepare myself, and that day I was just… pushed over the edge. So I made my first cut. And I loved it." I stopped here, because I didn’t like remembering that, how stupid I had been and stuff.

Liam had started rubbing circles into the back of my hand, not looking at me, though, but his face showed me that he really did listen.

"I was trapped, from the first cut, at some point it was so bad, I did it every day for a week, not caring about how they kept adding up and kept getting deeper and stuff, I just didn’t care you know. And no one ever noticed, I felt like they did, but that they just didn’t give a fuck, so that encouraged me even more and I moved on to my other arm." Now I slowly pulled my hand out of his, smiling a bit sad when he looked up as I did so, but I had to, because I wanted to show him.

"So there came this one day. Actually it was the second day of the holidays. I mean, the ones three weeks ago and I was home alone." He obviously was shocked when he heard that actually it hadn’t been long, but I just kept on talking anyway.

"I remember thinking that Harry was out partying with his friends, I had never cared about that, but suddenly I did and I started crying, like really bad. And no one was there to talk to, because my parents were out with their friends as well, so I went looking for some sleeping pills. But I found a whole bunch of painkillers instead. And the kitchen knife, because I was supposed to wash the dishes you know. So I thought, well my parents obviously only needed me to do their stupid housework, in school no one noticed my anyway, because once I came to high school, I started isolating myself, I guess that’s just what you do." I realized that I wasn’t even looking at Liam anymore, I was really in the flow now, barely aware of his stare.

"Anyway, I had also gotten somewhat depressed a year ago, so suddenly things all came down at once, and I didn’t think, so I swallowed all of the pills, and then I walked over and took the knife." By the time I said that, I realized that I had been playing with my sleeves, which reminded me that Liam probably didn’t need an explanation on how exactly I did it.

"I passed out, in the kitchen, there was a lot of blood, at least that’s what everyone kept telling me. My parents had forgotten something, so they came back and found me, a little bit longer and I would’ve died, I remember crying when I heard that I had nearly made it and started yelling at them." I laughed, but not because I found it funny, but because I felt really guilty again, there were even tears building up now and suddenly they spilled over, but I didn’t wipe them away.

"I was in the hospital for a long time, because of everything you know, they thought I was like crazy, and I guess I am. My mum nearly had to go to a psychiatrist too when she saw all the cuts I had given myself over the years, but at first I didn’t regret anything. I went to a lot of therapies and hospitals stuff like that, you know, my mum had called Harry and he stayed with me a lot of times, he was shocked too, but not as much as my parents, so that was nice. But then they told me that I wouldn’t be able to go to school if I didn’t like stay for a week at this psychiatry, so that’s what I’ve been doing two weeks before school started again." Maybe I had missed the perfect moment to show him my arms, but they were still covered and I guess there wasn’t really a good moment to show that to anyone.

"I got a lot of presents from my parents, like the car and stuff, but ever since then my mum is like this, overprotective, I mean I understand why, I think everyone does, and my dad just tries to act like things are alright. But it’s getting better, I only have to go my therapist every tuesday and take the pills, that’s it." Now I shrugged, even though I was still crying, but I finally looked at Liam. He was crying too, which I didn’t like, but I couldn’t tell him to stop.

"I guess that’s all, I hope you understand why I want you to stop cutting now, because, I don’t want your arms to look like this one day…"

We both stared at mine now, under the sweater still, but I gave myself a push and decided it was easier to just take it off at all, I was wearing a shirt under it so that was fine.

After I had thrown the sweater somewhere, I stretched out my arms for Liam to see, but I didn’t wanna look at his face, I didn’t wanna see if he went pale or green or if it was showing disgust, I just stared at my own skin.

Thinking about it, it really looked terrible.

I mean, the “tiny” cuts alone that were all over my right underarm would’ve been enough, but my left arm really did look worse, because I had gone much deeper and really just left more space between them, so they were like everywhere, some up to my shoulder.

But those were the healed ones, the ones that maybe would fade and only stay a memory, but the problem was, I had those really creepy and long ones, fucking deep and shining all red, one on each arm from when I had tried to off myself, they were making the other cuts look like scratches, and that was bad I guess.

Liam still hadn’t said anything, I don’t know, every time I had imagined telling him I had started crying so I had never come to this point, but suddenly he reached out and lightly took my right hand, letting one finger slid over the scars.

First, I wanted to pull away, I had always hated it when some of the doctors touched my cuts, but then I let him, because he was really careful and even though this wasn’t the right time I got goose bumps.

"Do they still hurt?" He suddenly asked once he had gone over to only hold my hand, but the look on his face was beyond sad, not grossed out.

"No, they healed pretty fast actually, maybe because I was really careful." I shrugged, still waiting for him to look at me, but he didn’t.

"I’m so sorry, Niall, I would’ve never expected that." Well, no one had.

"It’s okay." I wanted him to stop crying, because it only made me start again, too, but he didn’t.

"No. I feel really stupid now for everything I have said and… god, I don’t know what to say, I feel so terrible for you." He quickly wiped his eyes with the one hand in which he wasn’t holding mine, before meeting my eyes for a second.

The urge to hug him was nearly unbearable, but I resisted, just sitting there and looking at our hands.

"You’re the first one who gets to see them like that besides the doctors." Harry had never asked and I had never let my parents see longer for more than a few seconds. But a few seconds usually were enough. Harry was living proof that actually even half of them was enough, a miracle Liam hadn’t thrown up by now, he probably would any second.

Liam actually never threw up, no, he did something that made MY eyes go wide, because he leaned down and pressed a kiss on each of the big cuts, then he looked at me, wiping my tears off with his thumbs.

"Thank you for trusting me." He breathed, I was still too shocked to react, before he leaned in to kiss me on the forehead, he actually was smiling a bit once he sat back again, holding my hands in his and acting like there weren’t about two hundred scars on my arms right in front of him for him to see, no, all Liam looked at was my face, as if it was special or so.

"No…problem…" It came out like this because I was still stuck remembering how his lips had felt on my wrists, I almost wanted to cry again, he wasn’t disgusted, he had fucking touched them with his mouth! "I’m still sorry for you, though."

"Why?" Liam really seemed to be confused now, but I shrugged shyly.

"Because… my arms look really horrible, it shocks me every day again when I see them, it’s really gross and I’ve done it to myself. Like, they make me fucking ugly." Actually I’ve never said it like that, because there hand’t been a person I could’ve told, so I had to swallowed hard afterwards.

"Nothing could make you ugly, Niall, I don’t care if you believe me now, but that’s my opinion, okay? And like you told me, the cuts are a part of you and it’s okay, I’m glad you’re getting help and… I’m really proud of you, to be honest. I know that you probably still struggle and stuff but… you’ll do this, you’ll get these thoughts to go away and one day things will be fine again. I promise." Right now I didn’t care that he made another promise, because he had kept all of the ones he had given me by now.

"You’ll get through this too, Liam." I tried to smile at him, but I was too emotional, so I just pulled my hands out of his and hugged him, it was really weird to be around someone with no sleeves and to hug them, but it felt okay with Liam.

"Yeah… I hope so." His voice was really quiet, I wasn’t really sure if I was supposed to hear that, but I did anyway and it reminded me of the promise I had given myself, that I would look out for him, and I would, for real now. "Niall…?"

"Yes?" My heart started beating faster again.

"I… I don’t want to get onto your nerves now but… do you think you would… ever try it again?" While saying that he had started holding on to me tighter, as if he was afraid to lose me right there.

"No, I won’t." I could say this now, because I really didn’t, I’ve had enough to time to think about it and I really sometimes was able to believe that things would go back to be okay, so that was good.

"Okay." He breathed out, very relieved as it seemed to be, it hurt me somehow to think that I had gotten him worried, that was the last thing I had been trying to achieve.

"Hey, Liam…" Apart from that, there was still this other thing bothering me.

"What?" When he talked, I felt his breath against my skin, that made it a bit harder to think clear and form a proper sentence, but I did it.

"What exactly… is going on between us?" That question obviously amused him, because he suddenly let go of me, leaning back so he’d face me and laughed a bit. I was sad actually that we weren’t touching anymore, but he soon held open his arms for me, so I didn’t hesitate and cuddled into him, we were half lying, so I couldn’t look at him once I put my head down on his shoulder, but that was okay, it was probably better right now.

"Well, what do you think is going on between us, Nialler?" Liam still sounded as if he was about to burst out laughing any second, but he had his arms wrapped around me and let his fingers slowly run across mine as if he didn’t bother about the scars, that made me feel a little bit better.

"I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you." I really didn’t wanna be the one to come up and suddenly talk serious, because I wanted to hear his version first before I embarrassed myself to the bones.

"That’s so cute." He suddenly said, not laughing, I think he meant it, just like Harry on friday.

"I was hoping you’d clear this mess up instead of saying things like that." ‘This mess’ sounded mean, but I hadn’t meant it like that, I was just trying to figure this out okay.

"Okay, sorry. So, you want me to tell you what’s going on here?" After finishing he buried his face in my hair, chuckling.

"Yes!" I was talking louder, because he obviously liked to make fun of me once again and also because I was really getting nervous and moved in his arms, which only made him hold me tighter.

"Well…we are getting along really well, so I think that’s called friendship." WHAT?

I lifted my head and stared at him, just to relax and get mad at the same time, because he was laughing again under me. Very funny. “So according to your reaction you have another theory, can you please enlighten me?”

He was such an idiot, seriously, he had planned this, he wanted me to be the one to say it out loud, I really don’t know why, maybe he overplayed his nervousness with the jokes, that would sound very much like him.

So I clenched my teeth together and hoped that Harry’s idea didn’t turn out to be bullshit after all.

"Since you are forcing me to say it out loud… well, I like you really much and I wasn’t really sure why I felt all these things during the past few days and now the thought of you kissing someone else or doing stuff like this with them is killing me. So according to Harry this is because I obviously am fucking love with you, like he said it, but I’ve never been in love with anyone so I don’t know, but… I think he’s right." There, i had done it.

Liam wouldn’t take his eyes off of me once, so I guess the jokes had really been a cover up, because now he suddenly was looking serious again, but he didn’t say anything.

"What?" I asked, nervous now.

"Nothing. I was just wondering why you always have to be so incredibly cute with everything." Okay, I blushed a lot at this, even though I tried to keep my voice firm.

"What do you mean?" Liam’s face was soft now, he smiled.

"I mean the way you just said it, I don’t think anyone else would’ve done it like this." Since I wanted to be taken serious, I rolled my eyes at him, but all I got for that was a chuckle.

"You know that I have no experiences with stuff like that." Anyway, I wasn’t really mad, I was just desperate to hear what he thought about all of this.

"I wasn’t judging you, I loved how you said it, okay?" There was no time to answer, because he let go of me with one arm to tangle his fingers and my hair and pull me close, so we kissed, just for a second, then stopped suddenly, but we were still almost touching, I didn’t open my eyes, though, hoping he’d continue. "And I love you." He whispered, okay that was definitely WAY worth interrupting the kiss.

Like, seriously, it made me feel so good to hear him saying that and knowing that he meant it in a completely different way than like when Harry said it or my parents or so. He loved me, how did I end up being so lucky?

I didn’t say it back right away, because I wanted to make sure that I meant it, like really, not only because that’s what Harry had said.

So I thought about it, and I imagined what would happen if I told him that I loved him too and I figured that I really, really wanted all those things to happen for real, so I pecked his lips one more time.

"I love you too." Then I put my head down, cuddling into him again as he tightened the arm around my waist and let his hand stay in my hair, I think I had seen a smile light up his face shortly after I had spoken up, so that made me happy as well.

Here I was in the arms of the boy whom I have met three weeks ago and we had just confessed that we loved each other and I didn’t feel uncomfortable about this, I’d trust him with my life.

 

After a while, I started getting sleepy again, because it had been a while since I drank so much coffee, but anyway, Liam shifted us a bit, so basically, I was completely lying on top of him, cuddled into the crook of his neck, and he was still leaning against the back of the couch, even though he slid deeper. It was crazy comfortable, really, his one hand was under my shirt, drawing circles onto my bare skin, and the other was on my cheek, sometimes in my hair.

I didn’t sleep in though, because Liam nudged me gently whenever I was about to drift away, no idea how he knew when, my eyes were closed the whole time anyway, I was trying to capture the moment as good as possible. And how his skin felt against mine and the way his chest moved up and down slowly. Just everything, okay, I was cheesy like that.

"Are you cold?" He suddenly asked, that was when I realized that I was, maybe I had started shivering or whatever, I was half asleep.

"A bit." Anyway, I didn’t expect him to do something about it, but he really seemed to care. "Liam." I groaned when his hand left my back, I wanted him to continue forever.

"Just wait a second." A chuckle escaped his mouth, probably he liked my impatience, then he leaned forward a bit, suddenly pulling the blanket over us, it was always somewhere on my couch lately because I hadn’t bothered to put it away after he had slept over and apparently no one else had. Probably because I hid it when I knew the cleaning woman came over, probably because I had imagined Liam’s smell on it, and PROBABLY I had snuggled into it at night a few times.

"Better now?" Liam was very concerned about tugging me in properly, which was nice because well, in case this is still unclear, I liked everything involving Liam taking care about me. Then, finally, his hand sneaked under my shirt again, giving me goose bumps.

"Yeah." It really was, now it felt like we were even closer, which was impossible to be honest, but I liked to imagine that, because I had suddenly gotten very obsessed about him being mine. At this point I would’ve probably freaked out if even his parents would’ve called him and bothered us. But they didn’t.

Because mine did.

"Niall?" My dad knocked on the door, I stiffened automatically, but then I remembered that the door was locked and there was no chance he’d see us, so I relaxed again under Liam’s strokes.

"What?" It was hard to sound like I wasn’t about to sleep in due to lying on someone else’s chest that happened to be a guy I was in love with. Dad would kill me, not now, but someday.

"Can I talk to you quickly?" Best time ever.

"You already do." Normally I wasn’t so rude, okay, but having to get up now, leaving our warm place, that would’ve probably killed me before he could.

"I mean alone." Why? Did he want to bitch about how Liam wasn’t a girl or what.

However, speaking of Liam, he completely ignored the conversation, I think he even found it funny to distract me by letting his fingers run through my hair and to my collar bones, back up to my temple.

"No, we’re… playing video games, I can’t get up, sorry." That was probably really stupid, because there came nothing else than silence out of my room.

"I don’t hear a TV." He kept on getting onto my nerves, god, my mum would’ve probably gotten the hint, or no… she would’ve gotten suspicious and called someone to break through my door.

"Just tell me why you want to talk to me." My impatience slowly came through which made Liam chuckle softly, he was now combing my hair with his fingers, but like, really slow, which meant loads of tingles. That was proof enough for me that he really wanted to make the talking even harder for me.

"Fine if you want, but don’t blame me then." Suddenly his voice was amused. "Your therapist called again before, she wanted to talk to you and I told her you’d call her back." Wow, what an asshole, I knew why he had said it out loud, because he hoped that if Liam would hear that then probably he would be shocked. But Liam knew everything and he still loved me, HA.

"Okay, thanks." Anyway, I could hear him laugh as he walked away, trying to stop, but he didn’t. I would’ve gotten mad, but I was actually just glad to be able to close my eyes again and enjoy how Liam seemed to never get tired of stroking me the whole time and making sure I was comfortable.

"That could’ve lead to some embarrassment." He noted, sounding a bit worried, maybe he wondered why my therapist called, well I would’ve liked to know that too, but not so much that I would’ve gotten up for it.

"He did it on purpose." That was really just mean, so I almost added some insult, but then I didn’t, wouldn’t help anyway.

"He must really hate me." Even though he tried to let it come out calm, I knew that it really bothered him.

"Don’t worry. As long as he doesn’t find out about… you know, he’ll have to live with it." With that I realized that this was reality, I mean, I had thought about this before but now we really… and I had to hide it from my parents and everyone and somehow, I didn’t give a fuck.

So in order to calm Liam down, I lifted my head, about to kiss his lips, but I only reached his chin, which was fine as well.

His face lit up a bit, but I knew that he was still thinking about my dad, so I did something I probably shouldn’t have.

"I just remembered something." Now I tried to lean on my elbow without hurting him, but I wanted to be able to look at him.

"What?" He was curious, bringing his hand from my neck to my forehead and brushing some of my hair out of it.

"Remember when I didn’t come to school and then later you came over and slept in in my bed?" I wasn’t even blushing, how cool was that, I actually didn’t even find this embarrassing anymore.

"Yeah?" Liam was confused, but he seemed to be happy that I smiled, instead of getting upset about what my father had done.

"I wasn’t sleeping, actually like… I looked at you and I got really curious and then I kissed you." His reaction wasn’t what I had thought it would be, now I was the one surprised, because he laughed really hard, but it didn’t seem to be about what I had said.

"Oh, Niall." He chuckled, ruffling my hair.

"What?" Suddenly I had a feeling that he had already known about it. And I turned out to be right.

"I wasn’t asleep, it was really hard not to kiss you back, though. Why do you think I acted so calm when you kissed me for the second time while I was awake?" Right, okay, NOW it was embarrassing.

"Oh my god." I groaned, thinking about how he had known the whole time in school the next day and when I had hugged him goodbye and oh my god.

"You’re blushing." Liam pointed out, laughing, but his face was completely soft, even as I rolled my eyes at him, thinking about putting my head back down, but I liked being able to stare at him, so I didn’t.

"Thanks for noticing." Even his fingers felt cool now against my hot cheek.

"But Niall?" He sounded more serious again.

"What?" I was a bit distracted when I suddenly realized how far he had actually pulled up my shirt by now, because he let his hand run up and down my whole back, not even noticing anymore, well, but I did, and I loved it.

"I’m still the first one you kissed, right?" God, I can’t even describe how cute he looked at me while asking, as if he was afraid I’d say no, I think I would’ve lied even if he hadn’t been.

"The first and only." I nodded slowly, smiling about his happy face, but then I remembered that actually he had probably kissed a few more people than just that one girl and me. "And which number am I?" This should sound carefree, as if I didn’t mind, but instead well… Liam got serious again, sighing.

"This is not about numbers but anyway… the third." The question I’d ask next was pretty obvious but I did anyway.

"Who else, besides that girl." I didn’t really care about the girl, he hadn’t liked her but I doubted that he had made that mistake twice, now I was jealous, great.

"My… ex boyfriend." Okay.

For a while, I looked at him, trying not to think about it while Liam wouldn’t take his eyes off of me, crazy worried, he even tried to make it up by stroking my cheek with his thumb, but I barely noticed.

"Well… " What should I have said, ‘nice’ definitely didn’t seem appropriate, so I stopped staring at him, clearing my throat.

Of course, I was the only one who had no experience, he had done stuff like this probably a hundred times before, wow, I hadn’t thought I could ever feel so stupid for that.

"Niall… it really wasn’t serious, okay? We’ve only dated for a few weeks and I was only fifteen, I was curious. But nothing happened, I mean, besides kissing. We didn’t even kiss properly, because we were scared someone might see us." Liam obviously was in a rush to bring it all out. "We never even were at each others house and I promise you, I’ve never done anything with him like I am doing with you right now. It was just like… experimenting." Well, I guess I just had to stop being so childish and live with it, because I knew he wouldn’t lie to me and anyway, this had happened two years ago.

"It’s okay. Sorry." My smile probably wasn’t really convincing, so I just pressed my lips against his, not stopping even though he didn’t react, probably wanting to say something, but then he gave in, kissing me back for a while.

"I don’t want you to worry about this now." Liam said as soon as I leaned back again, trying to kiss him one more time, but he wouldn’t let me, because obviously he knew that I just did it so I wouldn’t have to talk about it.

In order to at least gain back a bit of my pride, I put my head down again, nuzzling into him tightly, so maybe I’d manage to be calm again and not feel the need to cry.

"I’m not worrying about this. I just want you to be all mine." I was mumbling this into his shirt, like really, why couldn’t I just act a bit mature and get over it, I had serious issues. Okay wait, we have already known that and I even went to a therapist for that.

"But I AM all yours." Actually he seemed very confused about the fact that he had to tell me that, as if he had expected me to come up with it myself. But honestly, we might have confessed some things, but I still didn’t know what to call this, so how should I know.

"Really?" My voice exposed me, coming out all whiny and quiet, I think that had some kind of affect on Liam, because he suddenly put his hand on my cheek again and stopped stroking my back, wrapping his arm around my waist instead.

"Really." He promised then, planting some kisses on the top of my head, which helped me going back to normal again, at least I tried to.

"Then I think it’s okay." As if I had a choice.

"I hope so." This didn’t sound too convinced, which was my fault, because I was ungrateful and stupid and selfish, because I still let him do all those things to show me that he meant it and just continued pitying myself.

Okay but, after a while I really stopped worrying actually, and decided it was a good idea to let him breath a bit, so I got down from lying on his chest, cuddling into his side instead with the back of the couch pressed against my back. I let one of my legs lie between his and he had his arm wrapped around my shoulder tightly, so we were still as close as before.

It was weird actually, to feel his shirt under my bare arm, I wasn’t used to that anymore, but somehow I was curious and came up with some weird ideas, so I just moved my hand down and did what he had done before, only that it was his stomach, so that was different.

Liam stiffened at first when I touched his bare skin with my fingers, that way I could feel his abs, but soon he relaxed and let me, so I got more confident running my flat hand over his stomach.

Anyway, there came a point when he froze again, stopping me suddenly with the one hand he wasn’t holding me close with, which made him touch my scars, but he really didn’t seem to care or notice. “Niall, wait.” His breath was a bit uneven.

"Sorry if I…" I lifted my head to look at his face, but he didn’t seem uncomfortable at all actually.

"No, that’s not it, just stop please, trust me." Then he pulled my hand out from under his shirt, holding it in his instead, he was still avoiding my eyes, what was the matter now?

"You should’ve told me if you didn’t like it." I blamed him now, but actually I felt bad, I did something one time and it was wrong.

Surprisingly he looked at me now, shaking his head.

"That’s not the problem…I guess… I liked it a bit too much…" He bit his lip, blushing and looking down, and I understood suddenly. Oh. Okay. That was definitely… better than what I had thought.

First I felt like blushing too, but then I suddenly started laughing at him and he groaned, letting go of my hand to put his arm over his eyes. “Stop it.”

"I’m sorry." I couldn’t stop, though, so I buried my face in his shirt, trying to numb my giggles.

"Really now, stop, Niall." This wasn’t serious, I guess he found it amusing too, somehow.

I did, just to start again after I had brought out what I had wanted to say. “No, this is the only time when you’re not laughing about me but the other way.”

"So, you like to laugh? Really?" Okay, really, I hadn’t expected what came next, because he suddenly leaned onto his elbow with an evil smile on his face, holding me in place with his arm and started tickling me really bad, hopefully my dad didn’t hear me laughing and yelling Liam’s name in between, people might get a wrong idea if you do that, locked in your room and stuff, cough.

So anyway, when he finally let go of me, I was looking up at him leaning over me, tears on my cheeks, but he grinned at me, not blushed anymore, so I tried really hard to act like I was mad.

"You could’ve hurt me." Of course not, he had been crazy careful, like he always was to be honest. God, it was so hard to be mad at this boy, even if it was just played.

"Did I hurt you?" For a second, he took it serious, even looking at me and searching for signs of pain.

"Well, no." I confessed, which made him relax again, the grin came back, it was hard not to smile at this, because he looked really good that way okay, and anyway, how he leaned over me and all that. Shit, I was losing track again. "But it was really mean."

"Are you mad now?" If he bit his lip like that ever again in order to keep himself from smiling I would probably faint.

"Yes." It was fun to be like this, but it was hard, because of his life ruining face and the fact that he was letting his fingers explore my neck after wiping away my tears softly.

"But I don’t want you to be mad at me, Nialler." Liam leaned down, pressing his lips against my forehead, which caused me some trouble with breathing, and before he actually stopped messing with my mind, he brushed his nose against mine, his breath hitting my face when he talked, even if it was just whispering. "I’m sorry."

"It’s too late now, Liam." My voice was shaking too much for it to sound somewhat like I meant it, he knew that too, of course, but he still pulled a sad face, which basically made him look like a lost puppy, and this nearly killed me inside.

"Do you still love me?" He whined, and I just couldn’t keep this up anymore, you should’ve seen him and those fucking brown eyes.

So I tangled my hands into his hair, shifting myself up until I was able to peck him on the lips. “Of course I do, idiot.”

"Good." Was all he said, laughing about my pissed face.

"Thanks a lot for that heartwarming-"

I never finished, because he pushed me back down, kissing me on the lips like ten times, when he looked at me afterwards, I was so blushed everywhere, maybe it didn’t even show anymore. “I love you, I love you, I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

There was nothing I could’ve brought myself to say, so I just nodded, which made Liam smile, and usually that made me smile as well, because he was fucking gorgeous when he was happy, but this time I didn’t, simply because I was too overwhelmed by him.

He seemed to like that, so he decided to top it and went on with placing small kisses all over my face, telling me how much he loved me in-between. And I mean, this was sweet enough already okay, but he even gave me reasons of WHY he loved me, this was too much, I might have started crying sometime.

Honestly, I’m still wondering how I can be alive after that.

 

The following week was heaven, seriously, everyone noticed that I was much happier than usually.

With everyone I mean Harry, my parents, my therapist and Liam because obviously there were no other people paying enough attention to me so they’d notice.

But that was fine, because no one should see my dumb smile while I was walking through the school hallways thinking about how Liam had held my hand when we were sitting in the back.

Of course, no one knew what was going on between us besides Harry and maybe Liam’s family, but we haven’t officially told anyone. I didn’t even know how I would do that, so I pushed that away and just enjoyed what I had.

And I had a lot at this point.

We’d spend every free minute together, even my dad had calmed down about it, I mean, I called it calming down but I think he had given up on me. But the best part was, as soon as I felt Liam’s lips on mine, I didn’t waste one more thought on things like that.

It was so nice, Liam slept over at my house the following weekend and I thought about this, because it was like really hot in my room and he had no shirt on, exposing the almost healed cuts on his hips, anyway, they didn’t do anything to how absolutely stunning he looked. But that wasn’t the point, the point was that I decided not to wear a shirt either, even though I was embarrassed first, but it was so damn hot and he knew all my scars and cuts anyway.

So then I walked out of the bathroom with only sweatpants and boxers, damp hair, eyes on Liam who looked like he was about to do a photo shoot or so and blushed, because it had been a while since someone had seen me like that and I was really scared of his reaction.

But I hadn’t thought about that he was the sweetest person on earth, because let me tell you what his reaction was.

"Why are you so nervous, Nialler?" Of course he noticed, even though I had no sleeves to play with, so I played with my fingers instead, shrugging at his question, because I thought that my answer would be even more embarrassing.

So Liam got up from my couch and came over to me, giving me a smile, before pulling me into his arms. God, this was even better than hugging him when we both had shirts on, I don’t think there was any place left where I didn’t get goose bumps from the feeling of our bare skin pressed together like this.

I wrapped my arms around him, really tight, because it usually always cheered me up and I didn’t feel so good about myself at this moment.

He pulled away too soon though, keeping his hands loosely at my waist and pressing a soft kiss onto my collarbone, I’d like to say that this distracted me enough to overcome my insecureness, but it didn’t.

"Relax okay? Everything’s fine, you look perfect, I swear." I would’ve loved to believe him, but the thing was that I was staring at him meanwhile and came to the realization that I couldn’t be perfect, because he was. That made me a bit sad, somehow, I should’ve left on my shirt, seriously.

"No, I don’t…" I muttered, keeping my eyes on a spot somewhere over his shoulder, because I didn’t wanna meet his eyes.

"Yes, you do, to me." This was unfair, I couldn’t protest if he only was talking about himself.

"Liar." My forced chuckle was interrupted by some lips pressed against mine, Liam held my chin once he had pulled away again, so I had to look at him.

"I mean it. You’re absolutely stunning, everything about you, don’t even let me go into detail." There was a smile on his lips that suddenly got a bit wider when he ran his hand down my side, playing a bit with the waistband of my pants, okay, finally something that really let me forget my worries for a second. "But I’m being serious, just look at yourself."

"Do you want me to throw up?" Okay, maybe that was a bit overreacted, he stopped his hand, rolling his eyes at me.

"No, Niall. I’m trying to make you believe that I really do mean what I’m saying, I love you, everything about you, your hair, your scars, your freaking adorable face" I blushed here and he kissed my cheek before continuing, pointing out every detail, even some birthmark on my hipbone, not quite sure when he had seen that, though, but hey.

Well, okay, I think there was a whole different idea behind that, because as he said it, his voice was almost only a whisper and I had let my head sunk against his shoulder, so suddenly I felt his fingers on the mentioned spot, drawing circles, painfully slow.

I mean, this made me shiver already, but when he continued, attempting to go down a bit deeper, I had to stop him, because well… remember when he had the same problem with my hand on his stomach, cough, that was the same, if I wouldn’t have known better I’d say he had done it on purpose, as revenge if you want so.

"Hey Liam… err… let’s go lay down, okay?" He was a bit surprised when I took his hand away, quickly intertwining our fingers and pulling him over to my bed, but he followed anyway.

"Sorry, I…" Of course he didn’t continue, he didn’t even know what he was apologizing for.

"It’s not your fault, I just… " Okay, there really were no other words to describe than the words he had used in order to not just having to say it. "I liked it a bit too much maybe."

"Oh." Liam thought about it, then he actually grinned, as if he was proud. I think he was. "Good to know that now."

I think it was better not to ask if he had something planned, because then I’d probably worry again about nothing at all, so I made him lay down in my bed, cuddling into him as he held his arms open for me.

This was the first time we slept in a bed together without it being because of a horror movie or because of me being too sleepy to walk over to the couch, no, we both didn’t even think about it, this was all naturally.

Anyway, according to this we really were happy to have each other, but I don’t think there was a person more thrilled than my therapist, I met up with her on friday this time, so the things with Liam above happened a few hours after that.

First of all, she judged me for not calling her back, but when I told her why and explained it all to her, she was speechless, as if he couldn’t believe that this all came out of my mouth, and that I was actually smiling like an idiot the whole time.

So we talked about it, for quite some time, when suddenly she’d start to ask me a totally normal question and I hesitated. “So, did you take your pills every day?

She wasn’t looking at me first, but at the paper on her lap, already expecting to hear a yes.

"I…" I then realized that I hadn’t taken them since like twenty seven hours. And to both our surprise, I was happier than I had ever been while being here. "I forgot them, actually. I’m sorry."

"No, no, wait a second." For a while she seemed to be thinking, meanwhile I felt bad about not taking my pills, but I usually never forget about them because I needed them, not now. The big grin should’ve maybe scared me. "Stop taking them, okay, I mean if you need them go ahead, but otherwise just don’t, let’s see what comes out. And don’t tell your mum."

Okay, maybe… maybe I was a bit too euphoric about that, as an excuse why I was grinning along with her, wanting to tell Liam right away. See, that was it, he was on my mind even though he wasn’t, how crazy was that.

Even my therapist was infected with that, as I walked out she mumbled something under her breath, still smiling, that sounded like “I’d love to meet that guy.”

Who wouldn’t? But he was all fucking MINE, okay, I even had him confirm this. Like a hundred times.

After Liam was gone, because my dad had started to throw glances at him and his dad needed him at work, like every saturday as it seemed to be, I felt really down, but I didn’t wanna give in, so I decided it was time to call Harry.

"Hey, what’s up?" He sounded really happy and excited, so I guess it was fine that I had bothered him, there wasn’t even Louis talking in the background. Maybe he was getting undressed. Okay, sorry, usually I didn’t imagine things like that, I just wanted to distract myself, that doesn’t come from me being gay.

"Nothing, I was … bored." Actually, I was lying on my floor, trying not to think about how freaking adorable Liam looked when he was asleep. Not like I had been staring at him for fifteen minutes, ha, ha no, and I also hadn’t kissed his face ten times or more until he woke up, that’d really cross the line, honestly.

"Where’s your boyfriend?" Harry giggled, great, as if he knew what I didn’t wanna talk about. Well, actually, how could he not, I wouldn’t have called him if Liam was here, obviously.

"He’s helping his dad." And had promised me to at least call me later if we couldn’t convince my parents to let me out, or let him in, because obviously, my dad was against the second and my mum against the first. That sucked like shit, but honestly, LATER was so damn far away.

"Aww, you sound so sad saying that." What the hell. But this was Harry, and even if this was way over the top already, he talked to someone next to him, okay we all know it was Louis so why pretend. "Niall is lovesick."

"I’m… what is wrong with you?" I mean like the only reason why I got kinda mad was because he had figured me out.

For a while, I didn’t get an answer because they were whispering to each other, maybe making out who knows, but when I told Harry I’d hang up now if he didn’t say anything, he gave me his attention again.

"Come over, we’ll cheer you up okay?" Maybe I should’ve gotten a bit scared, but hey, he certainly didn’t mean this in a like sexual way ok, even if this is the first thing you’d think of a a gay guy and his boyfriend inviting another gay guy over to hang out and giggling like a girl while doing so.

"My mum won’t let me and if she would my dad wouldn’t because he thinks I might sneak off with Liam." Again, but that’s another story.

"Oh… well, I’ll manage that, just wait a few minutes, okay? See you in a bit!" It was really hard sometimes to put up with his spontaneity, but I just sighed this time, actually hoping that I would see him in a bit, I could use some company.

It turned out that he called my mum and asked her if I could sleep over at his house, she obviously was so happy to hear him and what an angel he was for offering that, that she didn’t think about it a second and told me to pack up my stuff without asking if this is what I wanted. Luckily, it was.

But my dad was like, not so thrilled.

"Were you going?" As if he was a detective or something, he even had the newspaper in his hand and everything.

"To Harry…?" I made it sound like a question, because I felt insecure under his eyes full of hate and probably his matching mind going all wild over plans how to kill Liam. Okay, maybe I missed some of my pills now.

"Really? Then it won’t bother you if I drive you, right?" While saying that he had gotten up and taken the keys to his car in one movement, already heading for the door.

"Okay." Inside, I was laughing really bad, even though that was just sad, the lack of trust and how much he wanted me and Liam to probably live on different continents. I should’ve been scared, he would find out one day, that I was gay, and I didn’t know what would happen then.

His look was a bit confused at my answer, but then he shrugged, obviously convinced now that I really was going to see Harry, but of course, he couldn’t pull out now, that’d be too obvious. Well, it was already anyway.

The ride in the car was also very much fun (notice the sarcasm?), because I was scared of touching anything in here. No I knew how Liam must’ve felt, and he wasn’t even used to that, poor boy. But I’d make it up to him, as often as it took to make that disturbing memory disappear. Wow, that just sounded really wrong.

Anyway, my dad’s car was his everything, I think he loved it more than he loved my mum, so that was why I even tried to not touch the ground with my whole foot, it was fucking uncomfortable, but worth it.

"So… I’m glad you see Harry again, he’s a good guy." You wanna know why he’s a good guy, because he drinks and smokes and has a million friends and was the exact opposite of me. At least that’s what my dad thought. Naive, I should feel sorry for him for all the things he didn’t know.

"Yep." I know, we had been able to have normal conversations, but ever since he had met Liam… not so much anymore.

"Niall… I know you shouldn’t drink because of your pills but… I’ll give you permission if you want to okay? Don’t take it too far, but you should live as well, just because your mum thinks you’re like five years old, I don’t think that. And you’re seventeen, just… have a bit fun tonight, okay?" Wow. The smile he gave me, that whole speech. It was so… planned out and fake.

Have a bit of fun meant just fucking get drunk and fuck a girl you stupid idiot, you haven’t gotten any shit done in your life what is wrong with you, are you gay?

Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but you get the point.

"Okay, thanks dad." I smiled, as if I was excited, but it was because I remembered that I didn’t even have any pills in my body right now and that was great.

"That’ll stay our secret, okay?" He winked at me, happy that I had agreed to fuck up my life, did he really think I’d drink anything if I actually was still on pills, that’d probably kill me, he obviously really had no interest in my illness.

When I walked up to Harry’s, well Zayn’s, door, he even waited to check if I really got there, paranoid much?

But he could calm down, luckily there was no window so he didn’t see how Harry and me hugged and he was excited like a little child, pulling me inside actually holding my hand, but it was like nothing, Louis saw and he didn’t even notice so, really.

"Where’s Zayn?" I asked a bit confused when I watched Harry curling up next to his boyfriend and him pulling him close, as if it was their house.

"He’s gone, said he wouldn’t be back until tuesday or so, whatever." Harry shrugged, running his fingers over Louis’ arm that was wrapped around his stomach. I missed Liam, god damn it.

"Oh, okay." So I tried to overplay my sadness and let myself drop onto the couch as well, on the other end of course, I wasn’t that desperate for someone.

"I’m shocked you still want to hang out with us after last time." Louis didn’t mean it, he winked at me while playing with Harry’s curls who looked like a overall happy kitten the way he smiled and closed his eyes, he probably was about to purr as well, it wouldn’t have seemed strange right now.

"I was kinda forced." I cleared my throat so Harry looked at me, but he just laughed.

"Don’t act like you didn’t wanna come, I know you too well." Luckily he didn’t mention that one name.

"Fine." Denying wouldn’t do anything or help me, so I shrugged, leaning back and at least trying to get comfortable and seem carefree.

It was fine, being with them, even though they kissed a lot and hugged and you know, everything like that, not caring if I saw or not, but usually I looked away, not because I felt weird seeing that stuff but because it dragged me down.

So after a few hours, I don’t know, Liam still hadn’t called me and I was getting impatient, my leg going up and down and my lip was about to start bleeding, that was when Louis had enough.

"Okay, I’m not gonna watch this any longer, I’ve got a good idea how to make you feel better." Then he jumped up from his place on the floor leaned against Harry’s legs, throwing a grin at me before disappearing into the kitchen.

"What is he gonna do?" I was a bit worried, I hadn’t liked that kinda evil expression on his face, but now it was on Harry’s as well, who had finally stopped playing that video game aggressively. Seriously, he shouldn’t play stuff like that, he just kept shouting and freaked out completely whenever he lost, then I had to sit there all awkward while Louis tried to calm him down by shoving his hands up his boyfriends shirt so high, there was no reason he still had it on.

"You’ll see." Harry actually turned off the TV, looking a bit sad while doing so, and pulled the table closer to the couch. This couldn’t end good, I just knew.

My tiny bit of hope that it wasn’t so bad was destroyed when Louis came back with three glasses and a bottle, I didn’t know what it was but for sure no soda.

"So Niall, I heard you’ve never tried alcohol and I’m shocked, so it’s an honor for me to be here when you actually gonna do it." Now I glared at Harry, I had told him the thing with the pills, otherwise he wouldn’t have let Louis do that. It was as if my dad had started making plans with them, I felt a bit sick now, but I still didn’t protest when Louis sat down between us, filling the glass closest to me up first. I didn’t touch it, even though I was curious.

"You should try." Harry smiled at me while drinking from his, this was just crazy, right, did they encourage me to get drunk in order to feel better? But no, maybe they really just wanted to distract me by making me do something that obviously would get Liam out of my head for a bit.

Louis noticed that I didn’t move and just stared, looking like a complete idiot probably, so he just made me take the glass. “Drink.” He ordered.

"What is it anyway?" I probably wouldn’t recognize the name, but hey, it seemed smart to ask, so I did.

"Doesn’t matter, I’m not gonna poison you, don’t worry." Louis patted my shoulder while Harry laughed and leaned back, putting his feet on Louis’ lap.

"I… I see no reason why I should try it." But I wanted to, because Harry enjoyed it as well, judging by his facial expression, but maybe that was also Louis stroking his knee, I don’t know.

"Because you should at least try it one time, it’s not gonna do anything to you, we’re here, we’ll watch out." Somehow I didn’t believe Louis, I mean, I trusted him and I liked him, but I still had a feeling that he didn’t know what he was saying either.

"But alcohol’s … bad for you." Harry nearly choked from laughing so much and Louis giggled about me blushing for that stupid comment, even though he was still nice after that and didn’t make fun of me.

"It’s just one glass, Niall."

Yeah, that’s what he said.


	10. Chapter 10

I’d like to tell you that I stayed strong and only like tried it a little bit, which I did, getting satisfied faces from Harry and Louis, but I really liked it and Harry was already done with his glass, completely normal still, I mean apart from his natural behavior, so I thought, yeah, it was just one glass, I promise, I think there was still something inside, but they took it away from me.

"Wow, I wish I’d get drunk so fast." That was Louis’ comment on me getting a bit weirder than usual, okay I might have laughed too much and stuff, but why was it my fault that everything was so funny all of a sudden.

"He has never tried alcohol before, Lou." Harry watched me, a bit fascinated maybe, but I could tell that he liked what had come out of their experiment even though I was… I wasn’t drunk okay.

"I can hear you." I threw in their conversation, just to giggle again because it was fun to watch my own hands.

Louis shook his head at this, getting up with a crooked smile.

"We better hide this from you, shall we, Niall?" I don’t know, it’s not like I had planned on drinking the whole bottle or making attempts that I would, but he seemed to find it amusing acting like I had and getting it out of my reach.

"How do you feel, Niall? Better now?" We were alone, Harry and me, I was still sitting there probably behaving really stupid, and Harry had this big grin on his face, but maybe I imagined that, I didn’t really care.

"Has anyone ever told you that you really do sound awkward when you have this shirt on?" I ignored his question completely, starting to talk bullshit.

"God, you’re really drunk." My best friend stood up, as if he had come up with an idea suddenly and walked over to me, still grinning. "Hey, Niall, can you please stand up for me for a second?"

I should’ve known better, because well, it was a bit hard to keep myself on my feet, which was exactly what Harry had expected, because he laughed at this way too much, making me sit down again quickly, probably so I wouldn’t fall, and put an arm around my shoulder after he had dropped himself next to me.

"Do you even know about anything that’s going on right now?" Of course I did, but it didn’t make sense to me to give him a proper answer, so I just leaned back, laughing again and looking around.

"That is actually a really disgusting flat…who’s is it?" Okay, that pushed Harry over the edge, probably because I had been serious, so that’s why I was a bit confused about him shaking of laughter, but he calmed down pretty quick actually. Or maybe I had just forgotten what time felt like, probably that.

"I love you, Niall." He just said, squeezing my shoulder, which I found, was really weird.

"Stop it, Harry, I’m not gay." I know, I was being stupid, really, really stupid.

"Better not let your BOYFRIEND hear that." When he said that, of course chuckling meanwhile, it hit me, and I went from happy and carfree to totally emotional.

"Oh my god, right, he should’ve called me." Maybe Harry was kinda impressed that I still remembered, but I messed it up right a second after that because I nearly started crying. "Please don’t tell him what I just said, he’s gonna break up with me."

"Niall, stop crying, he won’t break up with you, okay?" Now the smile was gone, but he still didn’t take it too serious, only letting me use his shoulder to lean on, hoping I’d calm down maybe.

"But I miss him so much, Harry." I think it isn’t necessary to mention that the name Harry is very hard to pronounce and that maybe it came out totally stupid, which was probably the reason for him having to hold back a laugh, anyway, he rubbed my shoulder, still trying to stop me from crying. It wasn’t really crying, but anyway, I was depressed, kinda.

"I know, but you’ll see him again soon, I promise. He misses you too." How would he know.

"How do you know?" Let’s say it like that, actually I had come here to distract myself because I wanted Liam to be with me, but now I was here and I felt even worse than before, and maybe not even able to answer my phone.

"Because he loves you, I’ve seen you at school, he really does, I promise, and he won’t break up with you, okay?" Now, this seemed to be more honest than necessary in this situation, because I wasn’t really listening anyway.

We were interrupted by Louis coming back, looking a bit worried when he saw us like that. “What happened?”

"He misses Liam." Harry sighed, still holding onto me, but at the same time reaching out for Louis’ hand. "Maybe this was a bad idea."

"Maybe, but it’s too late now anyway. Hey, Niall? Calm down okay, everything’s fine, we can call Liam later if you want." Louis smiled at me, so I wiped my eyes, trying to believe him, but my phone ringing made me jump.

"What’s that?" I asked stupidly, really not getting it.

"Your phone…" Harry mumbled, followed by a "Shit", then he just let go of both of us, pushing his hand into my pocket and getting it out, kinda relieved.

"Not his parents?" Louis asked, taking the seat beside me when Harry got up, letting me lean into him instead.

"No it’s… you know." Then he just left the room, the last thing I heard was something like. "Before you say anything, it’s me, Harry, now listen this is kinda awkward, but…"

"Where did he go with that thing?" Maybe I had calmed down a bit, I honestly don’t even know anymore.

"Your phone." I was corrected. "Harry answered the call for you because you don’t want to talk to anyone when you’re crying, right?"

"No." Was all I said, then I thought of Liam and got emotional again, probably crying a bit more, but honestly, I really didn’t think it involved tears.

"It’s all good, okay?" Louis rubbed my back for a while, saying things like that but I kinda never answered and buried my face in my hands, feeling like shit now. "Do you need anything?"

"Yeah. Leeyum." Obviously it was also hard to pronounce that name, but at least it cheered Louis up that I was a total fool, he chuckled.

"Not much longer, okay?" It didn’t matter if he was right, because I didn’t believe him anyway, that’s why we kept silent until Harry came back and I looked up, he had a smile on his face, but not the ‘You are drunk and I’ll tease you with that forever now’ kind. Which he did, by the way.

"Success?" He was asked, being pulled on his boyfriend’s lap, who still had his other arm around me.

"Definitely. Even though I think this is gonna be hard to explain…" Harry looked at me, biting his bottom lip, nervous now, so Louis kissed his temple in order to calm him down or so. Meanwhile I had no idea what they were talking about.

"What?" I suddenly brought myself in again, still sounding really dumb.

"Your beloved ‘Leeyum’ is gonna come here, okay? Harry just talked to him on the phone." Normally, I would’ve thanked them, but so I just started crying even harder then before instead of being excited or so.

"Why isn’t he here already?" Now it was getting ridiculous, but no one judged me, after all, my comment was somewhat funny, so they had to hold back laughs while trying to make me relax a bit until Liam was here, but luckily I didn’t notice, otherwise, who new what I would have done, I didn’t even know myself.

Anyway, they did a pretty good job, I actually stopped crying, but I was still… well okay, maybe I WAS drunk, even if they had hoped it would get better so they wouldn’t have to explain this to Liam, but nothing changed, except for the fact that someone knocked on the door and Louis rushed off.

"…this is not what it looks like, okay, we can explain that." He was trying to calm someone down, so I turned my head and saw Liam next to him, and even though I was being like this, my body reacted all the same ways.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been so obvious if I would’ve been able to walk more normal, but so I nearly tripped before I finally could wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his shoulder and turning my brain completely off, if there was still something left to turn off I don’t know, as he hugged me as well, rubbing my back.

"I missed you so much." It was also noticeable in my voice I think, because Liam suddenly sighed.

"Niall, are you drunk?" The question didn’t come out surprised or angry, just like he already knew the answer and was just checking.

"What?" Okay, now there were no doubts left.

"Yep, you are." He answered for himself, pulling away, but keeping his hands on my shoulder, looking at me, a bit worried actually. "What am I gonna do with you?" Liam slightly shook his head, so I just kissed him, but it was a short one, because he didn’t kiss me back and just made me sit down on the couch again, but letting me snuggle up into his side anyway, so I closed my eyes, not caring about what they were doing as long as he held me.

"Look, Liam, I just thought he should try it one time, he didn’t even drink everything, we took it away from him immediately after he was about to spill it all over himself." Harry sounded really guilty now.

"Well… he never drank anything before so that’s probably why, I don’t know, why did he even agree?" No one cared that I could listen to everything they said, funny, because I didn’t either.

"We talked on the phone and he… he missed you really terribly, so we just wanted to distract him a bit, not making him drunk, I promise." Now Liam sighed at Harry’s answer, pressing a kiss onto the top of my head.

"What’s with his parents? I don’t think they they’ll be pleased if he comes home like that, you know them." Not pleased was good, if I had gone home like that … oh my god, this was too bad to imagine, I mean, dad would be fucking happy but my mum… ugh.

"Don’t worry, I told his mum he’ll stay over night. But … you know, I had actually planned that he’d stay over at your house, I know that he probably wouldn’t have been allowed to go, so yeah…I don’t know now…he’s drunk and stuff…" Harry sounded a bit like you would if you blushed, but I think it had been really sweet of him, I mean, I hadn’t thought of that, but that plan was actually really good, besides the fact that no one had asked Liam and that I was drunk.

"Oh, well then I have to thank you, I guess, we were already looking for ways to convince his parents before but…" Liam hesitated when I sat up a bit, still leaning into him, but I looked around, Harry was sitting on the floor in front of us , with Louis behind him, who hadn’t added anything to the conversation, maybe he remembered that Liam had seen him on the couch when he had gotten his sister out of the flat. Oh wait, no, he was passed out.

"Feeling better?" Louis spoke up now, smiling at me.

"Yeah…" I mumbled, luckily I wasn’t thinking of everything as funny anymore.

"Come on, Nialler, we’re going home, okay?" Liam took my hand and pulled me onto my feet, I leaned my head on his shoulder again, while he kept his arm around me supportively.

"Aww, you have nicknames." Harry got excited about that, I think Liam might have blushed while trying to bring me to the door without me tripping.

"Wait, he probably doesn’t know that." Then Louis decided to embarrass me even more, yep, that was possible. "He was talking about you the whole time, calling you ‘Leeyum’, I’m not even kidding, he couldn’t pronounce any names right."

Nice that they had a good laugh about that, while I nearly died here, mhm, I’d remember that. Well maybe not, because I almost fell down at this point, having Harry rushing over for help in a second.

"You got him? Okay… well, I’m… sorry, Liam." He mumbled afterwards.

"Yeah me, too, I should’ve known." Louis also blamed himself.

"Forget it, it’s not that bad, tomorrow it’s all good again. Bye guys and thanks for… helping us out." Liam probably meant the thing with my parents, because obviously he wouldn’t thank them for making me drink.

I started feeling really bad actually, even though I was still not quite myself, but I noticed what was wrong, or that something was wrong and that it most likely was my fault.

"Please don’t be mad at me." My whiny voice made his face a bit softer when he had me sit down in his dad’s car, putting the seat belt on for me.

"I’m not, okay?" He kissed my forehead before pushing the door close carefully, so he wouldn’t hurt me and walked over to get into the driver’s seat.

"I really love you." I blurted out when it had been quiet for a bit. Or maybe not a bit, I wasn’t good with time that day, remember, I was still fascinated by my fingers at this point.

"I love you too, you know that, right? Even if I have to help my dad and we can’t be together." Liam explained maybe because he thought I had gotten drunk on purpose, but I really hadn’t.

"Can I have a kiss now?" Because I suddenly remembered how he hadn’t kissed me back before in the flat and nearly started crying again, getting really impatient all of a sudden.

"I’m driving, silly. But later okay? I promise." For now, even though I was drunk and kinda didn’t feel my legs anymore suddenly, his cute smile was enough to satisfy me, I nodded, leaning my head against the window and watching his face.

"You look really hot when you drive." Liam turned his head with wide eyes, then he burst out laughing, luckily able to keep the car on the road, I smiled stupidly at his reaction, okay wait, I did that nonstop.

"I can’t believe you can get this drunk from just one glass. I’m gonna remind you of what you said tomorrow." He was still chuckling, shaking his head a bit in disbelieve.

"I’m not drunk." I just said it, not thinking or so, because I was still leaning against the window, feeling really weird and hardly able to think of the right words to form a sentence.

"Of course not, baby." It made me smile when he called me that, I liked it, even though I, despite I denied it, was drunk. "Try and sleep a bit until we’re there, okay?"

Maybe Liam hoped that I’d get better if I did, but I couldn’t sleep, I just tried it for like five seconds and gave up again, but at least I didn’t talk bullshit anymore but just kept quiet most of the time, not really being there.

"We’re lucky Lora’s not at home and my parents only come later." Liam told me when he helped me out of the car, this was really exhausting, since when was it so difficult to lift your foot?

Maybe it was good that I wasn’t so hyper anymore, or else I would’ve said a few more things he could’ve made fun of me for, but anyway, it wasn’t really a good feeling, I didn’t like how nothing seemed to be real anymore and how I just wouldn’t think before blurting out things because I didn’t care.

"I can do that by myself." I really believed I was able to take off my shoes even though I couldn’t even stand straight.

"Fine." Anyway, Liam didn’t let go of me and that’s probably the only reason why I didn’t hit the floor while taking two whole minutes to do what was the easiest thing ever, I think I was giving quite a show because I earned some giggles, but Liam wasn’t really laughing about me, I think he was worried and felt sorry for me.

After that little incident, there was the next problem, which was the stairs, but of course I didn’t get it.

"I could carry you…" Since I wouldn’t even admit that I was drunk, I told him no, which made him sigh, but he let me, holding me tight and eventually it all ended with him half carrying me anyway.

It was a great feeling of relief to finally make it to his room, I don’t know, I just hugged him really tight, because of course I still remembered how much I had missed him and wished for things to turn out like that, quit the alcohol part. And he seemed to be happy too, stroking my back and still holding me a bit tighter than usual.

"You promised me something." Liam smiled, but I didn’t let him time to react and just leaned in to kiss him.

First, he kissed me back finally, then I got all stupid again and tried to take this farther, running my hands under his shirt and up, for a while, he let me, but at some point he stopped.

"Liam." I whined, being able to say his name more normal again, I made attempts to press my lips onto his again, but he wouldn’t let me, still holding my hands so I wouldn’t get maybe crazier ideas.

"You’re drunk, Niall, and as much as I love kissing you, but I don’t think there’s something good to come out of this if we continue now." He sighed at my sad face, kissing my forehead.

"But I missed you so much." Yes, I was about to cry again, because he didn’t wanna make out with someone who obviously didn’t even realize what was going on, he was really poor, thinking back, I was really hard to handle sometimes.

"I know, I missed you too, come on, don’t cry." But I did, silently, into his shoulder when he pulled me into a hug whispering things into my ear in order to make me calm down, which I did after a while, but only because I was getting problems other than my boyfriend not wanting to kiss me.

"Liam, I can’t feel my feet anymore." It didn’t really worry me, I just felt like informing him, which was probably the only good thing I did that night.

"Okay, time to lay down." He suddenly decided once he had pulled away to study my face and I wasn’t really able to focus on his.

First I complained a bit, telling him I wasn’t tired and stuff, but he didn’t care, he just made me take off my sweater, I was wearing nothing under it by the way, and … well okay he made me take off everything except my boxers, even though actually he did all the work because I was really helpless, before shoving me towards his bed, which was more like him half carrying me again.

"You need something to put on from your bag?" Actually, I really thought about this I think, but then I just shook my head, so he shrugged, watching me carefully as I sat down. "Okay, stay like that." I really was starting to wear less every time we spent the night together, maybe I should worry about that, because we had limited it down to one piece of cloth.

"I don’t wanna go to sleep." I moaned, not wanting to admit that I was starting to feel bad now, like it wasn’t funny or anything anymore at all, I was just holding onto his hand the whole time, not wanting to let go.

"You don’t have to, just lay down, okay?" Liam had to come up with some things until I finally did what he wanted, having a relieved expression on his face when he tugged me in, and not sitting down on the edge of the bed like expected, but on the floor.

"Don’t you wanna share a bed with me anymore?" This really hit me bad as I turned to be able to face him, but he was shocked about my question and the sad face, quickly shaking his head.

"I do, but I still have to change and stuff, I don’t wanna wake you up if you sleep in, okay?" Then he leaned over me, kissing my face until I smiled again, so he left his arm on the bed as he sat back up, letting his thumb run slowly across my cheek, hoping I’d sleep in probably, I really should’ve.

"I feel like shit, Liam." I complained after a while, because it was true, but it wasn’t really that bad and I overreacted once again and sounded as if I was about to die from it, so he sighed, looking down at me worried and moving his hand up into my hair, I closed my eyes at the relaxing feeling.

"I know, Nialler. I wish I could make it go away." Actually I think this whole thing was a lot worse for him than it was for me, at least I had had some fun in the beginning and I also didn’t have to talk to Harry not knowing what was going on, or having to take care of me all alone. He was perfect for doing that, but I really didn’t think of this at the moment, because I still wouldn’t admit that I was drunk.

"I’m never gonna drink this thing again." I murmured, at least I knew that it was coming from that, what a realization.

"I wouldn’t let you anyway." He sounded as if he was convinced that he’d be able to prevent me from it, I felt him closer now, but I still didn’t open my eyes, I was actually really getting sleepy, not only from his stroking but also from his soothing voice and how he tried to keep it low for me.

"Why not?" This was actually not really understandable due to my tiredness and my current situation and anyway, but he heard me.

"Because you’re my baby, I’ll take care of you." He whispered now, his breath hitting my ear before he kissed my temple and slowly down to my jaw and neck.

"Okay…" I know, this was a bit stupid, but I was really not feeling well okay, so I moved a bit closer to him as far as that was possible, because he was still on the floor, but anyway, I could still feel that we were close and he was still stroking and kissing me, so that was fine.

 

I woke up later again, because I was having a headache, Liam wasn’t there anymore, he also wasn’t next to me in bed and the room was dark. Great.

The only good thing was that I was able to think clear again, at least a little bit, but it still felt weird to move and stuff, I don’t know, I just sat up, rubbing my head a bit, but it wouldn’t get better, there was a sob escaping me, because I was so mad at myself.

What had I been thinking? I did exactly what my father had wanted, and now we had proof enough that something really was up with me, who gets like this after not even finishing one glass, Harry didn’t even feel anything.

And poor Liam, I was such an idiot, honestly, god, I really wanted to shove down that whole bottle of pills, but I had nothing here, so I’d have to deal with it by myself.

Well, wait, where was Liam?

In order to maybe feel a bit more human again, I turned on the lights, being able to look around the room, trying to push my paranoia into the back of my mind, this was fine, I was fine.

I realized that I only had boxers on, oh right, I had been feeling hot or so whatever, and Liam had even put my clothes somewhere so Hunter wouldn’t get it, why was he so thoughtful and caring?

After a few minutes of trying to recreate what had happened and what I had said, I was so embarrassed, I was scared of thinking about it and blushed with no one even being here, how would it be if actually someone would want to talk about it with me? God, I had messed up so bad.

For a while I pitied myself, but then I was interrupted by Liam coming in, a bit surprised by the light, but he spotted me being awake and immediately came over to sit down next to me, reaching out to brush some of my hair out of my forehead.

"How are you feeling?" Maybe he was unsure whether I was still drunk or not, so I just shrugged, playing with my fingers, acting more like myself again, so he seemed to relax.

"I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m sorry, Liam, I know I behaved a bit… stupid." Yeah, well, that was way understated of course, but Liam actually chuckled a bit.

"Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault, you didn’t know, no one did. I mean it’s not like you went there with the goal to get completely wasted, you just drank a bit alcohol, that’s fine, okay?" His smile made me feel a little bit better, as if he really was convinced that I was normal.

"But you had to take care of me, that probably wasn’t very… easy." My laugh got stuck in my throat when I had a flashback from how I had taken it too far when we had been kissing, so I quickly looked away from Liam’s face, trying really hard not to blush.

"You’re actually really cute and cuddly when you’re drunk." And embarrassing, but I still got a warm feeling in my stomach like I always did when he said something like that about me and sounded like he really meant it. "And you said I look hot driving, so why would I complain?" Oh god, shit.

"I…" I didn’t know what to response, so I kept focusing on the wall behind him, desperately trying not to meet his eyes, because he had sounded pretty amused, and why would he not be.

"It’s okay, you weren’t quite yourself." He leaned forward and kissed my cheek, which shocked me because I hadn’t expected it, but we looked at each other now, his face was soft.

"Yeah, well… that doesn’t mean it’s not true." To be honest now, and I wouldn’t admit this to Liam, but I had thought that more than once and had just blurted it out tonight, but really, this had been in my mind for so much longer than he knew, which made everything even more embarrassing.

"Thanks a lot." Liam laughed, but I think he knew that I wasn’t joking, because he looked happier than before, pulling me over so I could lean onto his shoulder, while he rubbed my back a bit. "Now tell me how you feel, honestly please, you don’t look very comfortable."

"I have a bit of a headache, but that’s okay." It was my own fault, I didn’t feel like I was allowed to complain, but of course, Liam saw this in a different way again.

"No it’s not okay, I’ll go get you something, okay?" Before I could even protest or attempt to, he had kissed my forehead quickly and was about to leave again. I watched him, his back actually, and I realized all his muscles and how gorgeous he actually was, looking at him with no shirt on and from behind.

I was so lucky, I didn’t deserve this, it’s not that I was only out for looks, okay, but altogether Liam was perfect and he really cared about me and because of him I didn’t have to take pills anymore. Maybe I should tell him that more often, he was always the one to cheer me up, I only let him baby me nonstop, enjoying it too much how I got all of his attention, and he seemed to like doing that too, but still, he wasn’t the strongest person either.

"There you go." He gave me a glass of water and let a pill drop into my hand before going back and locking the door, maybe this meant we were still alone.

"Thank you…" I made sure to swallow it quickly, it reminded me too much of my other kind of pills, that wasn’t really good right now.

"I hope it helps." His worried eyes on me didn’t make things better, but I caught myself liking it too much, he was the only person who managed to actually make me feel loved.

"It’s not that bad. Umm… Liam…" See, those ideas hadn’t been the alcohol talking, this was really me.

"Yeah?" Maybe he could kinda imagine what I was about to ask, because his smile got bigger and he moved closer, pulling me onto his lap all of a sudden. He had never done that before, but of course I loved it, I loved everything that involved us being close so that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

"I was thinking that now, I’m not drunk anymore, so…" For a moment I forgot what I had wanted to say because he leaned down and kissed my collarbone, leaving his lips there and moving them a bit up to my neck, tickling me with his breath when he realized how much that distracted me and laughed quietly. "…so, ummm… how about a real kiss?"

Liam didn’t answer, he just went on kissing his way up, until he reached the corner of my mouth, I had my eyes closed and my arms around his neck at this point, maybe digging my nails a bit into his skin, but I wasn’t hurting him, I was just too impatient.

But obviously he loved to make me wait, not continuing until I groaned a bit, which made him chuckle, then he suddenly connected our lips out of nowhere, deepening the kiss immediately. It was nice how now everything was allowed again just because I wasn’t drunk anymore, which didn’t really make sense, but maybe he didn’t wanna take advantage of me being so absent. That nearly made me tear up, which wouldn’t have been a good time, so I managed to push my feelings about how sweet Liam was into the background.

He ended up softly pushing me back down onto my back again, being on top of me, but still leaning onto his elbows so I hardly felt his weight.

"Was that real enough?" We had to pull away in order to catch our breaths, but I wished we hadn’t, anyway, Liam was smiling down at me, while I was still playing with his hair, tangling my fingers into it, which he seemed to enjoy.

Due to my lack of oxygen, I just nodded which brought me a kiss on the nose and Liam getting down from me again, I wished he would’ve just stayed, but I then decided not to say anything, if everything would go the way I wanted, then we probably wouldn’t stop kissing until tomorrow.

"If I would’ve said no, would you’ve kissed me for longer?" I wondered once he had pulled the blanket over us, the question made him laugh, but actually I had been serious now, secretly hating myself for nodding before.

"No, then I would’ve been really sad because I did my best." Liam joked, but touching my lips with his softly one more time anyway, then he let me cuddle into him, I put my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arm around his stomach and suddenly had to yawn. "You should really sleep, then your headache well get better too."

"You should too, taking a break from looking after me nonstop." This was supposed to sound like I was kidding, but actually I really felt bad for that and he heard it in my voice, holding me tighter and letting his finger slide across my bare arm. Whenever he did something like that, I was shocked all over again how he didn’t care about the cuts and scars, maybe taking even extra time to be gentle.

"I like looking after you." I felt him shrug, he was probably smiling, but I didn’t see because it was dark.

"I love you." Was my answer to this, because it was the first thing that came to my mind that was good enough to compete with how perfect he was. But it didn’t come out so confident, because I had my face hidden in his shoulder, enjoying how he was the only thing I could smell, and there were about ten million butterflies in my stomach making it a bit hard to talk without sounding nervous. But Liam chuckled softly at this, kissing my hair.

"See, that is why I love you too." He wasn’t honestly telling me he loved it when I was embarrassed?

"So you like to see me getting uncomfortable?" Okay, that came out wrong, but he laughed at me anyway, patting my shoulder, before continuing to only let his fingertips run over it, causing me tingles.

"No, I like to hear you admit that you love me even if you have to build up courage first." I could tell that he really meant it, because his voice wasn’t amused anymore but caring, so no wonder I turned red.

And then I realized that he could maybe feel my cheek getting hot because I was touching his skin with it, so I quickly stretched a bit and kissed his jaw, the only thing I could reach, in order to distract him a bit. Or maybe because I felt like it.

 

Surprisingly, I mean okay maybe not but compared to everything else happening in my life, things went out great for once.

At least for quite some time, maybe months, there was nothing else but lollipops and rainbows and if this is coming from me then it’s the truth.

I stopped taking my pills, still went to see my therapist though, Harry and Liam finally got along with each other (maybe this was because Liam saw him and Louis kissing on accident and now we were all a bunch of gay guys), my mum was literally in LOVE with Liam, I swear.

Every time he came over, which was like, every second day, she’d even leave us all alone, she stopped questioning everything I did, maybe because I was actually and truly happy for the very first time since I don’t even remember.

Liam was… my everything. Even school became less of a problem, I mean if you ignored the fact that we still only saw each other for two periods, but I was able to live with it, because he’d pull me into an empty classroom during the breaks and steal a few kisses and hold my hand during english and maths.

Harry would be with us for lunch break sometimes, but we mostly stayed alone, sometimes in my car so it was more private for … you know… STUFF.

No one found out, which probably was because nearly everyone hated us, except for Harry and Lora.

Lora was another chapter, it was very strange.

There was this one time I slept over at Liam’s house (okay well, that happened more than a few times), and we went down for breakfast, I had long sleeves don’t worry, his mum was there too, she knew of course, even though no one ever told her, but she smiled at us brightly and left us alone. Okay, I admit it, we weren’t even trying to hide it, I mean, we held hands and I giggled like a five year old, at least at his house, at mine we behaved very differently in front of my parents, because my dad would roll his eyes and leave whenever Liam came in sight, so.

Anyway, we were just like we always were, stupid and a bit too childish around each other, me literally being all over him when he kissed my forehead and suddenly Lora was there, her eyes nearly popped out I guess, so we’d stare at her for a few seconds, as surprised as she seemed.

The thing was, she knew we were like, best friends, but… you know. Obviously no one in this family talked about private stuff so it must’ve been quite a shock.

Honestly, I expected something else than what happened, because she literally screamed, in excitement, I swear.

Considering she had had this huge crush on me not long ago, it was a good thing she had breakfast with us and told us about one million times that we were the best couple ever.

Later, Liam said he was a bit worried, even though she had promised not to tell anyone, he wasn’t so concerned about that, but we could still deny it, which wasn’t necessary, she kept her word.

Despite this all, there were still some problems, like, people at school didn’t stop teasing me and it made Liam really mad, i think he was more upset than me because I didn’t really care that much about what was happening in my life since I had him. Most of the time, I didn’t even listen to them calling me names, I was stuck in my head, remembering last night or something like that, you know.

And the second problem, my dad.

We had had A LOT of conversations, yet he never even assumed that I was gay, neither did my mum, but I think she knew, just chose to let me be me. Not my father, no, the “Liam is a wimp” speech became tradition whenever we would talk to each other, which I tried to avoid then, because I was sick of it.

No one would’ve been able to listen to someone insult your boyfriend nonstop for more than an hour and not being able to yell or at least tell them to stop, but I was scared, so I never said anything.

Liam never found out about that, he knew that my dad hated him. Just not how much.

 

"Okay, see you later then. Louis said if you eat our fridge empty one more time he will send you to a doctor, because I quote ‘where does all the food even go he is half my size’." The way Harry imitated his boyfriend made me laugh, even though this was the truth, I had really eaten their fridge, well Zayn’s, empty. But considering they had hardly anything in it, that wasn’t too hard.

"Well, Liam says it’s cute that I’m not that tall." I tried to sound as if I was pissed, but Harry didn’t buy it anyway.

"Liam would even find it adorable if you run over his dog, so. Anyway, I need to hang up, I have to go hide my favorite cookies before you get here." He just hung up with his giggle cut off, because I was already about to complain, but had to swallow my words then, shaking my head then, smiling a tiny bit, even though no one could see.

It was saturday night, Liam had to go have dinner with his family because it was Lora’s birthday (she said it would be alright if I came along, but I said no because that’d be really weird) and Louis had to help out a friend or whatever, anyway, both me and Harry would be alone tonight, Zayn was gone, of course, saturday remember, and none of us was used to that. So we’d at least have each other.

The problem was, my car was kinda… not working properly, my dad was gone and my mum had her friends over, so that meant I had to walk.

Actually I hadn’t expected her to let me go, but she didn’t even complain or was suspicious or anything, all I got was “Alright, honey, have fun.”. Then she’d kiss my head and went back to the living room. Very strange, I guess this was all Liam.

So now I was freezing to death, because I think it was about to snow, and I kinda wished I would’ve stayed home and just went to sleep so I could see Liam sooner, but Harry had literally begged me to come, so there I was, empty sidewalk, flickering street lights, this was really not my thing. I shivered even more while making up horror movies in my head, which only caused me to walk faster, throwing paranoid glances over my shoulder every ten seconds.

'Everything alright?' My phone vibrating nearly made me jump, but I was kinda relieved to see Liam's name on the screen, my ice cold fingers nearly hurt as I texted him back immediately.

'I'm walking to Harry's house, if I don't get killed, then, yeah :p' I didn't wanna have him worried but I desperately wanted him to tell me that I'd be fine, even if he couldn't promise me.

'You want to talk meanwhile? I'll call you in five minutes.' This was really tempting, but I wasn't a baby, I mean… I longed for the sound of his voice but…

'No, it's fine, really.' Hating myself for sending him this, I nearly slipped at my ring tone breaking through the silence.

Of course, Liam called me anyway. He was just so cute and caring, I could’ve cried. Which also was because I couldn’t deal with situations like that, but anyway.

"Why are you going there in the middle of the night?" Was all I got instead of hi or something like that, but he didn’t sound mad, only worried.

"I don’t wanna be alone and my car is broken, remember?" Yeah, that was why I had to get up an hour earlier to get to that damned place called school. "And it’s not night, it’s eight thirty."

"But it’s dark." Liam insisted on it, I wondered how he had even gotten away from his family.

"I’m not a baby, Liam." But it sure felt like it, I was hardly able to stop my voice from shaking both because of the coldness and my fear.

"I know, sorry." He sighed. "I’m just a bit upset, I really don’t want to listen to any more of Lora’s stories and I miss you."

"Miss you, too." More than he knew, right now, I would’ve given anything to hold his hand, having him comfort me. Or no, even better, not being out here and lying in one of our bed’s instead. "Are you gonna come over tomorrow?"

"Why wouldn’t I?" I heard him chuckle and relaxed a bit, I had only asked to be sure, but he was right, why wouldn’t he, he came over every sunday, especially now because of my stupid car.

"Just wanted to ask." Then I hesitated a bit, but I mean I could die any second, so better say it. "Because I can’t wait."

"Impatient, aren’t we?" Of course, this wasn’t meant to be mean, but acting like I was mad was better than freaking out because I thought I had heard footsteps behind me. I should’ve checked, but I didn’t somehow. Big mistake.

"Be quiet." Harry’s house was only two streets away, should I be happy or sad because I’d have to hang up?

"Sorry, I can’t wait either actually. Oh, I forgot to tell you, I saved some of Lora’s birthday cake for you, but don’t tell her, okay?" He just knew how to get me.

"Thanks! This is gonna be great, we’ll stay in bed all day and I’ll eat while you get to watch. I love you, Liam." Maybe this was a bit too information, but I was thrilled right now, planning this all out, while there was only laughter coming from the other side while I kept on talking, maybe mentioning stuff like kissing and cuddling.

I shouldn’t have said anything. Or at least not his name.

Actually… let’s be honest, I shouldn’t have even left my house, things were going so great, this was determined to happen.

"Aww, now isn’t this cute?" At the sound of THIS voice actually not coming from my phone, I turned around and froze within less than a second.

No. No, please not.

"Niall?" Liam asked, because I had just stopped talking in the middle of the sentence, but I couldn’t bring out one word.

Guess who had just been listening to all that cheesy stuff, please, this could only happen to me.

There aren’t really many options, so I’ll tell you.

Remember that guy punching my face, trying to destroy all my friendships, spreading rumors about Liam, hating the both of us, picking on me nearly every second day? Well, there he was. And not alone.

Actually, it was four of them, grinning down, yes down I am small okay, at me, even though they luckily were a few meters away still, but the distance grew dangerously smaller by the second.

"Niall? What’s the matter? Are you still there?" Now Liam was getting worried while I was dying, finally bringing myself to say something, too late. Should’ve told him where I was or just any kind of information.

"Liam, I…-" Well, my phone was gone sooner than expected, I didn’t even try to defend myself as that guy, sorry but I don’t know his name up to today, took it out of my hand, hanging up for me while one of his friends kept hold of my arms.

You know, this was really stupid actually I didn’t move one inch, I just stared, my heart about to jump out.

This can’t be fucking true, was all that was going through my mind.

"Thanks for that phone. Gonna get quite some money for that, you don’t deserve it anyway you spoiled piece of shit." Now the smile was wiped off his face.

That brought me the first punch in the stomach, I nearly threw up already, but only bent forward, coughing, until he made me look into his face, his friends behind him laughing, the grip on my arms was painfully strong. Not that I would’ve tried to get away, I was too shocked and, let’s face it, too weak.

"Fucking look at me. I knew this from the beginning. You and Payne, huh? Trust me, everyone will know on monday, I’ll make your life a living hell, you’re disgusting me. Not only rich and a nerd, now you’re also gay?" And that was the punch in my face.

I think it’s not so necessary to say that it hurt like shit and I started crying, asking him why he hated me so much over and over again.

But no one said a word after that, his friends kept laughing like this was hilarious as fuck while that freak was getting furious and I still had no idea WHY.

Really, why would you do that? Get someone to a point where they didn’t even do anything anymore and were lying on the ground and you still punched them.

Not gonna lie, I gave up then, just waiting for it to be over, I felt like passing out to be honest, from the pain, I actually wished he’d just get it over with, kill me or something, but he just didn’t, he just kept screaming something, I couldn’t hear, everything was blurry and red and… I couldn’t even remember it that well. All I remember is pain and yeah.

The only reason why he stopped was because suddenly the laughters were gone and then it was silent and there were no more punches thrown, until someone leaned down.

"I think you killed him." The voice was emotionless first, then suddenly really loud and scared. "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! I’M GONNA GO TO JAIL, WE ALL ARE! JUST BECAUSE YOU HATE PAYNE AND ARE SCARED OF HIM YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING KILL HIS BOYFRIEND!" So… this really had all been because of Liam? Never mind, at this point, even those yells where like, not really coming through to me, my eyes wanted to be closed so bad, there wasn’t even a point in forcing them to stay open, everything was blurry.

Just some people yelling, then suddenly all running off, leaving me there.

The good thing was, the pain was so overwhelming that I couldn’t take it and passed out like two minutes after they had left, dreaming of some crazy weird stuff, like, a mixture of my fucked up life, as if I was really going to die and had a flashback of it all, but I guess this just happened because that’s what my life was like, pain. Quite matched the situation, didn’t it?

"Hey, Niall. Niall?" My eyes fluttered open at the sound of this familiar voice, yet not the one I had hoped to hear, but quite calming too.

Harry was there, I definitely was not dead, because one of his tears hit me, right into one of the wounds, which burned a lot, but like, my whole body did, so …

"I-" Damn, even talking hurt.

"Sht. Don’t talk, okay? Shit, Niall." Actually Harry was more terrified than me, I was just half dead in his arms while he freaked out, well, I also wasn’t the one who had to look at the damage, I only had to feel it, would’ve preferred a change actually.

I wouldn’t make any more attempts to speak up, because I simply was too weak for that too, just waited for death to overcome me or the pain to stop.

None of that happened, but Harry managed to stop crying and took his phone, that was lying next to him, no idea why, while he still held me pressed against his chest.

"Liam they beat him up really bad I-"

God damn it, I even heard him scream through the phone.

"THEN CALL HELP, IDIOT!" Yeah right. Help. I could need that right now.

"I DID ALREADY!" Harry yelled back, as loud as Liam, I winced, a moan escaping my mouth, so Harry quickly apologized, hurting me even more as he did that.

"Harry, stop!" Great, now I was screaming too, quickly stopped though, my voice sounded really weird and it felt like there was a knife in my throat.

"Sorry, I’m so sorry, Niall. Sorry. Shit. What do I do?!" He freaked out again, Liam still yelled at him, I mean, they were yelling at each other now, I started crying because the pain became unbearable, this was just a mess.

Somewhere in between, I probably passed out again, with Harry pressing the phone to my ear after Liam had convinced him to do that so he could tell me he loved me. I never replied to that, of course, but I think I half smiled. Or attempted to, no idea if my face was recognizable as that anymore.

 

"This is not gonna end good." Harry. "This is all my fault." Again. "Oh my god, WHY!" And yes.

"Harry, this is not your fault and anyway, this won’t change a thing now." Liam. He was there, right next to me, while Harry’s voice came from a bit further away. I felt too weak to move or say something, but the pain was nearly gone now.

"Yes but… fucking hell." He continued swearing, more quiet now, Liam never replied, but I felt his hand in mine, that was a good thing, both because I had missed him terribly but also because it showed me that there was at least one part of my body left that wasn’t destroyed forever. I was so scared, I wanted to look into a mirror, check everywhere, at the same time I felt like I’d be better of if I didn’t and then of course, neither would happen, I was kinda paralyzed but I wouldn’t be forever.

"Okay, I really need to quickly go, I’ll be right back. I wanted to wait for him to wake up, but…" Now Liam seemed the one who needed some comfort, Harry actually sounded soft. They were acting like best friends.

"It’s okay, don’t worry, I’m here." Someone pressed their lips to my forehead, good I still had a face, murmured something that sounded like "Please don’t die" and then both that and the warmth around my hand disappeared.

But Harry was there like he had promised, taking Liam’s seat probably, yet not touching me.

"Fucking hell…" He murmured, probably had his face pressed into hands because his voice sounded numb, then he’d stay quiet, only breathing a bit too loud now and then, but it didn’t sound like he was sobbing.

Anyway, I would soon start crying, why did Liam leave, his hand had been so calming, I’d freak out if I wouldn’t get myself to talk and move within the next seconds and find out where my freaking boyfriend had gone.

"Harry…" Clearing my throat had actually helped.

"Niall! Are you okay? God, do you even remember anything? Are you in pain? I’m so sorry!" Blinking against the light a few times, it wasn’t too much lightning on, maybe because of me, I actually managed to have my normal sight back, this was such a relief, I thought I would be blind or I don’t know, worse. Well okay, there could still be a lot wrong with me.

"I…" I didn’t quite know what to say, he was leaned over me a bit, his face red from excitement, longing for a proper answer which I couldn’t give, I was busy looking down at myself.

Okay.

Well, my hands were fine, bandages on my left, but the other only had some bruises, no biggie.

Lifting the blanket and moving that stupid hospital thing they put on you, I had had this before, after my suicide attempt, kinda ironic, had been the same place, but anyway, I only saw bruises and bandages and band aids, nothing seemed to be broken or seriously damaged forever.

So I started crying.

"Niall, don’t cry, what’s the matter? Listen, you are fine, lucky you that stupid asshole can’t even beat someone up properly. Not that I wanted that, sorry I’m talking shit. Niall? You’ll be fine again, did you hear me? This is just the medications making it hard for you to move." I knew he was right, but I kept on crying, managing to raise my healthier looking hand to my face. "What’s the matter?" That came out desperate now, Harry sat down again, probably realizing that I wasn’t going to calm down no matter how many times he promised that I was fine, how could he even expect me to take him serious, I was in hospital!

"I-I w-want… w-where’s L-Liam?" There was no way I’d stop crying until he came back, I hadn’t seen him in so long, I wasn’t used to that, I fucking needed him right now.

"He’ll be right back, he just went to the toilet. He wanted to wait until you wake up, but that took a bit longer than expected. It’s three a.m. already." Oh my god. "Your mum was here too, you know, but I made her go home and sleep. She actually… well, she paid someone so Liam and I could stay I guess." Harry laughed, nervously, maybe he wasn’t sure if jokes were appropriate, even though he was probably right and anyway I didn’t care about my mum right now, or how my dad would react, pretty sure he hadn’t been here. Well, to his defense, he’d only come back home tomorrow and I also didn’t care whether my parents were here, in fact, I was happy they weren’t. Mum would cry and dad would call me a loser.

So, my best friend kept on babbling some stuff, like updating me, I didn’t listen, just tried to keep it together, but I got hiccup and continued crying, until someone opened and closed the door very carefully.

"Look, there’s Liam." Harry was smiling now, probably relieved he could make my boyfriend responsible for trying to make me stop crying now.

I wanted to look at Liam, but I was both embarrassed because of my tears and it also felt a bit too much work to do that.

"Why’d you make him cry?!" Liam actually sounded mad as he came over.

"It’s not me, he’s crying because he wants you." Maybe he rolled his eyes, but I was busy wiping mine and he made space for Liam anyway, therefore getting out of my sight.

"Hey, babe." I had missed this smile so much, it was a bit sad now, but nothing could make him any less gorgeous, I tried my best to smile back.

"Hi." After having him kiss my forehead again, I reached out for his hand, letting him intertwine our fingers. "I’m sorry…"

"For what? I’m sorry I didn’t drag you along to Lora’s birthday." He shook his head slowly, never leaving me out out of his sight, then he leaned down again, pressing his lips to my temple so his breath would tickle my skin as he whispered. "I can’t tell you how glad I am nothing worse happened and you’re awake. I love you so much, Nialler."

"I love you too." My voice was barely there, it was hard to talk normal but even harder to force myself to whisper, but Liam gave me a sad smile before bringing his other hand up, letting his fingers trace the features of my face, leaving out some places, maybe I had been hurt there. "How… how bad is it?"

"Well, there is nothing that can’t be healed, but you know… Harry and your mum freaked out a bit at seeing your arms, I think they were more shocked about that than anything else." Yes, I did notice that Harry had left the room and Liam never told me about what he had been thinking about it all, but there was no chance to ask and I kinda was better off not knowing I think. "You want a mirror to check yourself?"

"No, I… I’m scared." After I had admitted that, I slowly raised my insured hand and felt for the skin of my face, I only found two band aids, one on my left temple and the other on my jaw and beginning neck, making it really uncomfortable to move, so that had been why. And I guess my lip had something too, it felt like it was tearing open, but when I was about to touch it, Liam suddenly stopped me, holding both my hands now.

"Don’t. It’s not as bad as Harry said, I promise. You still look perfect." I rolled my eyes at that, with the hint of a smile, while he just kissed the corner of my mouth softly, probably because that was the only place where there was no wound so that’s also why I didn’t ask for a real kiss.

"Stop being silly." Okay, I just wanted to hear that he had meant it, I had every right to okay.

"I’m not." Liam let out a laugh, but it didn’t last long, because, well, the situation was really not funny at all. "So tell me what happened. I think I already know and if I’m right then I’m gonna show them what happens if I start murdering people for real now." He suddenly said, getting us back to be serious again as he sat down, with one of my hands still in his, looking really, REALLY, mad. I never doubted that he meant what he had said, not even one second.

"It was them, they heard what I said to you, the last part, which means you know… the secret is out. But Liam… don’t do anything, they-"

"Niall. They fucking beat you up okay, I’m not gonna do NOTHING, how can you even think that, I’ll make sure they’ll be kicked out of this school faster than anyone will even know what happened. They are fucking morons, they are really lucky if I don’t get them arrested. No, wait, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, I’ll-" It went on like that, I tried to interrupt him, but he’d cut me off, so after a while I gave up and listened to his plans, proud somehow, but on the other hand, he looked really upset and not very stable, more as if he’d finally let everything out and start bawling.

So I made sure I was able to move again and that I didn’t hurt too much, the pain killers were really good, before I learned forward, letting go of his hand and putting my arms around his neck instead, in the middle of “or I could also stab them to death”.

"It’s fine, Liam. I’m alright." Finally, he stopped with his almost hysterical speech, putting his arms around me too, not so tight though, but I felt him, also how he buried his face in my shoulder, something I usually did the other way around when I was looking for comfort.

"No, it’s not fine. You could’ve died. I… I thought you would. I called Harry you know, I told him to go looking for you but he didn’t take me serious first and said he had to eat or whatever, I was almost about to go myself. And then he found you and… I don’t know." Liam shivered in my arms, so I held on tighter, trying not to tear up because he sounded like he was, but his voice was numbed by my shirt so I wasn’t quite sure. "I don’t know what I would’ve done without you."

"I’d never leave you." That was a lie, if they had wanted to, they would’ve been able to kill me, I just know, but I couldn’t do this to him now.

"That wasn’t your choice, Nialler." It was only whispering anymore, I think he really was about to cry, shit, no.

"I’m sorry." Really helpless, I moved my hand up into his hair, not knowing how I’d be able to let these thoughts disappear from his mind, because I had flashbacks too I couldn’t get rid of. Hopefully he hadn’t seen me before they fixed me up like Harry had.

"I love you." Liam mumbled, shortly after that he sobbed a bit, which made one of my tears spill over so I pressed my eyes shut, tangling my fingers into his hair, hopefully not hurting him, but he didn’t pull away.

"I love you too, I’m so sorry." No idea why I apologized the whole time, I didn’t even quite know what for, maybe because this had pushed him over the edge, usually I was the weak one, but it seemed now he needed me to take his place and tell him that things would be fine again, stay strong for the both of us.

Which was funny, I mean not really but anyway, this had been the reason for me to start our first conversation, seemed like years okay.

Harry came back, after quite some time, I think he had been talking to Louis, but at least his eyes weren’t red anymore and he looked a bit calmer, even though his usual self wasn’t back yet, he just sat in a chair on the other end of the room, sleeping in after a while because no one talked.

Liam and me held on to each other, but we pulled away after like fifteen minutes and I convinced him to lie in bed with me, it was small, but I felt a lot better having him and his warmth next to me.

First, he was very scared he’d hurt me, but I just cuddled into him, ignoring some of the stings in my hip, I wanted to be as close as possible, I’d take as much pain on me as necessary to make that happen. So he gave in and put his arm around me, kissing my lips this time, barely touching it until I moved in and made it a real kiss, didn’t hurt as bad as expected.

"Go to sleep, okay?" We had been whispering to each other, so Harry wouldn’t wake up, he didn’t even snore tonight, but that made me really sleepy now, I felt sore, which wasn’t strange considering my whole body was one big bruise.

"But I don’t want to waste any time I could spend talking to you." True, ever since this had happened, it had even hurt me when he had let go of my hand for a second to take off his hoodie.

"I’m not going anywhere, baby. If you wake up we’ll just continue, but you need to rest, it’s really late, okay? For me?" Finally, there was that real smile again, the caring and sweet one, the one I’d die for, literally.

"Fine." So I kissed his cheek quickly before putting my head onto his chest, waiting for him to start playing with my hair, he did, he always did.

"Close your eyes." How had he known?

"They are." He actually leaned forward and checked, then leaned back chuckling because I had said the truth, starting to stroke a part of my arm that wasn’t injured and continuing to try to put me to sleep by playing with my hair.

But it was really hard getting comfortable here, and suddenly I was overwhelmed by the situation. Did they really beat me up? Until I had to go to hospital? And shit… what would my parents say?

"Niall?" Liam noticed that I was restless, because I was moving all the time, ignoring the pain, which actually became less by the time if I just kept on ignoring it.

"Sorry." No, I needed to stop saying that, but it seemed appropriate all the time, everything was my fault.

"No, what’s the matter, come on, tell me." Maybe it was the softness of his voice, or his caring face as I lifted my head to look at him, leaning into his hand as he started stroking my cheek.

"I wanna go home. I wish none of this had happened." Yeah I know this is really childish and trust me, it sounded way more stupid because I was almost crying this while trying to be quiet because of Harry, didn’t need anyone else see me whining over that. "I… You know, everything was fine and suddenly they just decide to mess up my life again. It’s not fair."

Liam wouldn’t respond right away, he just looked at me, not knowing what to say because we both knew my life hadn’t gone pretty well so far and I was right, so he caught one of the tears that were silently rolling down my cheeks because I didn’t try to hold them back.

"They’ll never touch you again. I hate myself for this, I know I can’t make it undone now, but I’ll take better care of you from now on. I’ve been watching them for far too long, it won’t happen again, if I don’t get them to be punished, I’ll make sure they’ll stay out of your way and never ever say a word again or I’ll show them how you beat someone up, I swear. Harry said he could maybe get some of Zayn’s or Louis’ friends to help, that could work out. But no matter what, you’ll be safe, I promise." This time I didn’t tell him to calm down or try to talk him out of it, I just looked at his gorgeous, and mad, face for a second, before I put my head into the crook of his neck, snuggling up against him and breathing in his smell, trying to calm down.

"I’m so lucky to have you." I held his arm in place which he had put around me, believing every word he had just said, I knew that I was safe with him, but I also knew that he blamed himself now, even though he couldn’t have known, but that was just Liam.

"No you’re not. It all started with you and me talking, they are doing this because of me." He was right, I knew, because I had heard them talking even though I had been on the edge to passing out, but anyway, I’d never tell him, that would make everything worse.

"I don’t care if they make fun of me, I just… I don’t know." Yeah I just wished they wouldn’t wait for me at night and beat me up, that’d be nice.

"Yes you do, and you have every right to. It’s disgusting, so I’ll make sure to get them to shut their mouth now." There were no doubts that he was able to do that, he had done it once, punched one of them until they spit blood, but I really didn’t want him to do that, it just wasn’t him.

"But what if they get so mad that they make everyone hate on us by telling them what I have said on the phone instead?" That was the other problem, which seemed to be small compared to my current situation, yet it was the bigger deal for me because this involved Liam as well. He had had to leave school once because of being gay, I didn’t want him having to go through it one more time, wouldn’t really help to have me going through the same by his side.

"I don’t care anymore. Seriously, I love you, everyone can know and make fun of me as much as they like, but if any of them says something to you, just tell me and they’ll leave you alone for the rest of your life." Well, that sounded convincing.

"But I don’t want people laughing about you either." The only problem was, I could do nothing about it.

If you compared us, Liam was one of the tallest guys in school, his dark hair easily went with the bad guy imagine (which he wasn’t, but no one knew because I was the only one who got to see him sleeping or play with his dog), he was said to be a killer and his body looked like he hit the gym every day. And then there was me. Blonde hair, always tugging on my sleeves nervously with my head down, avoiding looking at anyone and well… let’s put it that way, if I told someone I had been going to the gym they’d ask me if I even knew what that was and if I had confused the terms “gym” and “petting zoo”. Not that I considered going. To neither of these places, to make this clear.

"I don’t mind anymore, it’s different. I have you now and I’ll protect you, that’s all that matters, okay?" Was it girly I wanted to tell him that he was my life and start crying while doing so?

"Okay, but-"

"Sht, there’s nothing for you to reply." He hushed me by letting his fingers explore my neck, the part that had been saved from kicks and whatnot, so I did him the favor and shut my mouth, trying to not get too excited about what he was doing, but anyway, he stopped soon, trying to convince me to sleep now.

"I’m not sure I can, this bed sucks." Fine, I was really tired and just wanted to go home, satisfied?

"You’re lying on me not on the bed, I should be the one to complain." Liam laughed quietly, not letting me get mad, or move, or even wanting to do any of this stuff because he was so comfortable and everything his hands did was soothing, so instead of my usual made up "Fine I can also get off of you and sleep by myself" (which I never would do then, because it really had almost become impossible for me to sleep in without him, but let’s pretend), I held onto his arm tighter now, making sure he wouldn’t loosen his grip.

"I think this is illegal." Pretty sure.

"Your mum made sure it’s not, don’t worry. And now stop looking for excuses and go to sleep. There’s no need to be afraid of tomorrow, I’ll be here, okay, and Harry will be here, too. Everything will be fine, you’re not alone, even if you can’t sleep in or wake up later, I won’t go anywhere." He kissed the top of my head, his words made me sigh, but I finally gave in and actually tried to fall asleep to him now combing my hair with his fingers slowly, giving me goose bumps.

 

Liam kept his promise, of course, he always did. He stayed with me in my bed even as the nurse looked at him as if she was going to cut him open, like Harry told me afterwards because I was asleep, which Liam commentated with shaking his head slowly but saying nothing. He probably even thought it was funny how my best friend made up stories the whole time when it was just the three of us later that day, I started feeling better, a little tiny bit.

Louis joined us too, making it feel like it was just us four hanging out in Zayn’s flat, if there hadn’t been the too familiar smell of hospital whenever someone opened the door, or me covered in bruises, I would’ve been able to maybe enjoy it.

My mum called, telling me five million times that everything would be okay and that she’d come and visit me as soon as possible, which I actually wished she wouldn’t, Liam was here holding my hand, never leaving my side. What else could I have asked for?

But of course, things in my life never quite stayed the way I liked them, they usually turned into disasters. Today wasn’t an exception.

I was the first one to be alarmed by the yelling in the hallway, the first one to recognize the voice, Liam was second, because he read panic in my eyes, immediately returning the squeeze of my hand, easily affected by my mood change.

"What? Are you-"

Before I was able to warn them, someone literally smashed the door into the wall, making Harry and Louis jump, Liam’s eyes go wide and mine go closed in desperation.

"Out." Was the only thing my dad would tell them, I knew how he was like, how he could look at you and it would have the same affect as if he was pointing a gun to your head.

That’s why I wasn’t really surprised to see Harry and Louis gone as I decided to risk a look, getting a bit smaller under my dad’s stare, whose eyes now wandered to Liam still holding my hand in both of his.

"Are you deaf?!" As much as I winced, Liam wouldn’t move an inch, he was so brave.

"No." I turned my head to look at my boyfriend, firm stare at my dad, not willing to listen to him, even when he was like that, red all over, about to kill someone. Or maybe a few more people. Two to be exact.

"Get the fuck out and don’t you ever dare touching my son ever again you bastard!" There were tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of Liam leaving me here alone with this crazy asshole who was supposed to be worried about me being in a situation like this.

"No, Liam, please stay, please." Ignoring how my dad breathed in loudly, probably trying not to slam me right in the face, I only had eyes for Liam, holding onto his hand as if he kept me from drowning. He did, in some way.

"Of course." He murmured, pressing his lips to my forehead, which was the worst thing he could’ve done.

"WHAT HAVE YOU JUST DONE? NIALL?!" It took some time until I was ready to face him, how his mouth was hanging open, yeah, well, no one knew I was gay and had a boyfriend. Oops.

"What?" How embarrassing, my voice sounded as if I was about to start bawling, the only thing keeping me from that was feeling Liam’s hands around mine and knowing that he was here, I’ve never loved him more than at this moment.

"DID YOU JUST LET HIM KISS YOU, STOP HOLDING HIS HAND RIGHT NOW!" To say that no one came to rescue us was false, they did, there were some nurses in the doorway, staring, discussing who would have to go and tell this man to top yelling at his injured son. But no one did, because he wasn’t just any man, he could have them fired if he wanted to, and probably also murdered.

"No, dad." Now or never right. "He’s my… my boyfriend. He can kiss me whenever he wants to and I like holding his hand."

As the words sunk in, Liam and me shared a look, his was full of adoration, mine was hopefully not showing that I was about to pass out from being this scared.

"Your…. boyfriend." For a second there, I thought, hey, maybe my dad will accept me maybe, things will be okay, but then our eyes met and I think my blood turned to ice. "No. No he’s not." My dad’s answer came out sharp, yet smooth, he was convinced that he would win. And the problem was, my dad was usually right. "You are not gay, Niall James Horan. You did not try to kill yourself. You did not cut yourself. And you did not get beaten up by someone. DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

My tears escaped me, even as I closed my eyes, trying to control my breathing over this, while Liam pressed kisses onto my shoulder, nuzzling his face against my neck, completely ignoring my father going crazy.

"M-Mr Horan-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" That was the last and first time someone tried to get him to leave, he was out of control yet somehow had control over us all.

It was silent for some time, I wanted to shake and sob and curl up into Liam’s arms, but I didn’t, I thought that maybe I would die if I just kept on lying here, pretending that this was not happening right now.

But the next thing actually swept me off of my feet, because suddenly my dad was talking again, in a normal voice, and not to someone in this room.

"Yes, hello, I need to book a flight. Where? Ireland." WHAT?

My eyes shot open at this as I sat up, not able to realize what was going on, how my dad was SMILING at me while holding the phone to his ear, or how I slowly lost touch with Liam’s hand.

"NO!" I yelled, I would’ve gotten up and thrown the phone out of the window, but of course, it wouldn’t have helped, my dad wanted me to go, and he would find a way and above that, I wasn’t allowed to get up in the first place.

"Please hold on for a second, my son is mentally ill I just quickly need to help him." With that he covered his phone with his hand, making sure no one besides me and Liam would hear him when he leaned close, too close. In fact, I had to lean back, feeling Liam behind me. "Listen to me you little fuck, you better do what I’m telling you or I’ll make sure someone finally finds out how Harry illegally lives with his brother, get him taken away, how does that sound, Niall? And don’t even let me getting started on what will happen to you and your friend here, you’re lucky I just want you out of my sight." Okay, that made me shut up, I admit. Not Harry, I couldn’t let this happen, I couldn’t take Louis away from him and his whole life, he had always done what’s best for me, it was my turn to return that favor. Furthermore, I knew that Harry wasn’t the only one in danger, my dad had great influence, I suppose making Liam’s parents lose their jobs would be part two.

"So, will you do what I’m telling you now?" I nodded quickly, crying like a baby, searching for Liam’s hand again, but it wasn’t a relief this time when his fingers shoved themselves between mine. "Good boy. Yes, everything is fine, I…." With that me and Liam were left alone again, speechless. Well, he was, I was more like… dead.

"Niall…" Liam started after he had watched me for some time as I stared at the closed door, tears silently rolling down my cheeks, trying to wake up, because this was a nightmare, it had to be. "Niall, baby, look at me."

I did, but only because he was begging, because he sounded so scared and his voice was about to break away, seeing Liam cry was the worst.

"W-What?" Was all I chocked out, then my sight was blurred and all I felt was how he let go of my hand in order to be able to sit down next to me on the bed.

"You’ll be alright, he’s just mad, he will calm down, maybe he won’t send you away."

His hands pulled me into his arms softly, I wanted to get lost in his words as I nuzzled my wet face into his chest, but sadly Liam was just being the sweetest boyfriend ever and tried to calm me down, even if this meant telling me lies.

"He will, trust me. He hasn’t calmed down since I nearly bled to death." Liam winced a bit when I chose those words, but why would I try to make it sound nice, because that’s what had happened, that’s why this hospital was so familiar when they had tried to fix me and what my dad had just managed to destroy within a second.

"But…but your mum, can’t she… is this even…I…" This was the first time Liam didn’t know what to tell me, he sounded as lost as I felt.

"Liam… don’t do this. We both know what will happen." I lifted my head, just to see Liam wiping his cheeks with the one hand that wasn’t soothing my hair and it shattered my heart.

"I don’t want you to leave." He breathed, pulling my head close until my forehead touched his, I felt him shaking.

"Li-" I started, but he crushed our lips together before I could carry on, shutting me down almost violently.

It wasn’t a soft kiss, or sweet or like anything of what we had done before, Liam was completely desperate, he put all of that into the kiss, nearly making me fall off the bed and getting me breathless within a few seconds, I suppose he wasn’t quite aware of what he was doing.

"Stop." I whispered against his lips, still crying.

"I’m sorry! Did I hurt you?" All of a sudden he jumped back into his caring mode again, cupping my face and studying it for any signs of pain that he might have caused with his little breakout, but I just shook my head slowly before pecking his lips softly.

"I love you." Was all that came to my mind, looking at him now, both of us with wet cheeks and holding onto each other, who knew how many time we had left. This was some scary shit and right at this moment, I hadn’t been able to realize what was happening I believe, Liam did, but I was still trying to push it into the back of my mind.

"I love you too, Niall, we’ll be okay. You’ll be okay." As he put his hand onto my cheek and pulled me down to rest my head onto his shoulder again, I felt his other hand on my wrist, brushing over the scars and I knew what he was talking about.

What my dad didn’t want to see was how messed up I was, he didn’t understand that without Liam I would’ve probably gotten worse, he was taking everything from with sending me away. And getting everything taken away would probably cause a relapse.

But since I wasn’t willing to fully understand what was happening, Liam seemed to be the only one considering this, that’s why I never answered to that one.

 

The rest of the day was over in the blink of an eyes, after my dad, I repeat “…this is disgusting shit going on in there, I’m not willing to see him again, you go in and tell him, I’ll have to deal with this myself first” left to get drunk, because if you don’t know what ‘dealing with this’ meant, it meant getting wasted, my mum came back with red eyes.

See, I’ve always wanted to go back to Ireland, live with my grandparents I haven’t seen in years, but that had been before Liam. And I’ve also always wanted my mum to try and understand me a little bit better, but not exactly for being gay. Gotta be careful what you wish for I guess.

I was allowed to go home then, after I had heard the bad news from my sobbing mother, telling me “Niall… your dad he… got you a flight. Tomorrow.”.

Tomorrow because today had been full. One flight because he didn’t want me to come back any time soon.

After hearing this, I just nodded, avoiding everyone’s eyes, Harry and Louis came back too after they had seen my dad rushing out of the hospital, luckily overseeing them holding hands.

The last time I had felt this numb had been when I woke up after my suicide attempt, realizing that I hadn’t made it. Well, to be honest with you, there also hadn’t been another time when I had wished so bad for having cut that little bit deeper. But I didn’t say any of these things out loud, they have been worrying about me for far too often and I wasn’t very keen on having to take my pills again.

That was another point worth considering. I was mentally ill, diagnosed with depression and whatnot, you’d think it would be hard to send me miles away from my home, right? The answer is no. I could miss as many school days as I wanted, go anywhere I wanted, if just one of my parents said that it was good for my mental health, even my therapist couldn’t help me out of this.

Ireland here we come.


	11. Chapter 11

"Where we going?" I mumbled, staring out of the rainy window, using my brain again after such a long time and actually trying to think of what was happening to me right now, where I even was.

Liam’s dad threw a worried glance at me while he was driving, but quickly looked back at the street when I returned it, confused.

"To my house. Are you okay, Niall? Do you want to go home instead? You said you didn’t but if you changed your mind…" Now I turned my head to see Liam next to me in the backseat, biting his bottom lip, way too far away from me.

I barely remembered the conversation leading to this, when I had been crying not wanting to stop letting go of Liam and his dad came to talk this out with my mum. She agreed that I would go home with them, just because my dad would probably not show up anymore today and if he did, he certainly would not want to see me, so I could as well stay with Liam.

They let us have that, one last night. This was so fucking cliché.

"No." Then I got closer to Liam, he seemed to be relieved I wasn’t blankly staring out of the window again and put his arm around me carefully only to tighten his grip when he realized it was what I wanted. "I’m so tired." I whined, making Liam go protective.

"Just close your eyes, Nialler, it’s okay." He whispered, pressing a comforting kiss into my hair and putting his hand onto my cheek to pull my head down into the crook of his neck. I followed his advice but I didn’t go to sleep.

The rest of the car ride passed by without anyone talking, except Liam’s dad starting some sentence and his son cutting him off with “Leave it, dad, please.”, so I suppose it would’ve been something meant to be nice that would only come off as forced, because actually, no one could even say anything to make it better.

When I came to that realization I cuddled closer into Liam, which made him think I was having nightmares and whispering soothing stuff into my ear from there on.

That’s also how we ended up in his room later, just lying there cuddled up into each and not speaking one word, there was just nothing to say that we didn’t already know.

We loved each other, we didn’t wanna be apart. But no one else gave a shit, that’s all I was sure about at this point, but there was also something else bothering me, so that’s when I suddenly turned onto my stomach, leaning onto Liam’s.

"Liam?" I met his soft eyes, but they were also deeply sad, which was terrifying.

"Hm?" He let his finger glide down my temple to my jawline and neck until he was distracting me by stroking my collarbone.

"In case I’m not allowed to come back-"

"You are." It was still like that, I saw things from the worst side, prepared myself, while Liam was trying to make both of us believe it was just like being away over the weekend.

"Well, maybe, that’s not the point right now. But… we… probably won’t see each other for a long time." There was a depressing silence after my words, I nearly started crying but didn’t, just because Liam kept himself together too. "And… I’m really gonna miss … this. I mean… being so close and… kissing and just… you." Okay, maybe I let a few tears escape and Liam wiping them away, but that was it.

"I-"

"No, wait." I took a deep breath under Liam’s suspicious stare, quickly looked down as I felt the heat crawling into my cheeks. "Can you do me a favor?"

Normal people would say yes in this situation, but sadly, Liam knew me and he also knew that there was a possibility I would ask him to shoot me, so we can’t blame him. “What kind of favor?”

"You gotta help me. I need to… make sure I won’t forget." Maybe this was too dramatic, but before you judge me think about my situation and my life, okay, thanks.

"Niall?" Of course he was confused, but considering it was me, he had probably not even expected to get what I was talking about.

I then realized that I had no idea how to make him understand with words because my heart was bumping too fast and I was about to start shaking even worse. Instead of talking or even trying to, I moved until I was straddling him, and Liam being the confused sweet puppy he always was, put his hands onto my hips lightly, even more confused.

So I decided to just go for it and leaned down, meeting his lips with mine, I could tell that he wanted to pull away and find out what the heck was wrong with me, but he had no choice because I was on top of him, so he gave in after a while and started to kiss me back.

We started off slow, I was still kinda shy when it came to things like that, but I guess he got the hint once I had rolled off of him again without interrupting the kiss, I was really talented, and got my hand out of his hair just to let it sneak under his shirt and maybe too far up.

Yet he didn’t stop kissing me, I was the one, because I let my lips wander down to his neck, his shirt was revealing more than it was covering by now, I was so nervous, I wanted to actually stop, but on the other hand…

"Okay, I got it." Liam’s voice sounded cracky, he was trying to catch some air and I could tell some part of him wanted to give in and enjoy what I was doing here, but he sat up anyway, pulling his clothes back to where they were supposed to be.

"Why not?" I moaned, looking up to him as I was still lying, now on my back.

"You don’t want this right now, Niall." His cheeks were a bit flushed from making out, but not as bad as mine I believe, great, now I was embarrassed.

"And you know that because?" Of course I sounded whiny, I tried to overplay the fact that I felt exposed, but Liam actually smiled a bit down at me before leaning over me, bringing our faces close again.

"Because I know you, silly." With that he kissed the top of my nose, making me blush even more. "This is not forever, you gotta stop thinking like that. We’re not going to do something you don’t want just because you think you won’t remember otherwise. Because you will. I swear to god, Niall, this is not a goodbye for eternity, and I’m not willing to make it look like one."

The fact that he had hit a weak spot made me open my mouth just to close it again, instead I sobbed. “How do you know we won’t forget each other?” I whispered, pulling him down so now he was on top of me and his forehead resting against mine.

"Do you think you’ll get rid of me? There’s phones and internet, and even if there wasn’t, how could I forget you?" When I closed my eyes and breathed in, I knew there was no way this could work out, I wouldn’t be able to calm down.

"I don’t wanna leave, Liam. I mean, I would be able to survive it, but not without you." I cried out, I had tried to forget about it for now and appreciate the time with him I had left, but I was too hysterical for that.

"I know, babe, but once your dad calms down-"

"He will NOT calm down! Don’t you get it? He fucking hates me and everyone else who isn’t his definition of perfect or whatever, he will never EVER let me come back home!" I had pulled away from him first and sat back up so now we were facing each other as I started yelling while crying at the same time, poor Liam not knowing how to handle it.

"Niall, you will turn eighteen in-"

"I CAN’T WAIT TILL I’M EIGHTEEN MY BIRTHDAY WAS A FEW MONTHS AGO!" Good thing everyone already knew I was out of my mind or they might have checked on us.

"I can come and-"

"NO YOU WON’T!" With that I even jumped up, not running out of his room like you would probably expect me to, but I just stood there, bawling.

"Of course I will, what are you talking about?!" Liam slowly got up too now, so we were facing each other, but he didn’t start yelling.

"THEN PLEASE TELL ME WHY I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO GOES CRAZY OVER THIS?!" I knew I was just accusing him of not loving me enough to care, but I was desperate and sad.

"You think I don’t care? Are you fucking blind, Niall?! Do you want me to cry? Tell me, I will. Because I am going to miss you fucking much when you are gone, okay, but I’m trying to be strong right now, there is nothing we can do, we’ve discussed this already. So for the record, I AM going crazy over this, just as much as you are! Why are you so convinced I will forget about you?" He knew better than to try and touch me, so there was still some distance between us.

"Because that’s what he wants! You will get over me, find someone else and I’ll rot to death in Mullingar!" Or maybe I’d shoot myself before I even got there, that was more likely considering I was me.

"I will get over you and find someone else?" Now Liam frowned, making me over think my words for a second too as I looked back into his eyes studying my face.

"Why would you wait for me?" That had been the reason why I had tried to make him sleep with me before, because I had always thought we would have enough time to wait, but even though he talked it all nice, for me it was like one of us would die tomorrow morning.

"Because I love you more than anything in this world, Niall. Why don’t you understand? What do I have to do so you believe me? I will call you every single day, we can Skype, anything, I promise. And despite everything you are saying, we will see each other again soon, and we’ll be together after that. Trust me?" He was begging for my trust, I had gotten him to this point, I was the reason why he looked so hurt now, because I had made clear how I thought that he would run off with some bitch.

"I do trust you… I’m sorry I…I j-just…" I just didn’t wanna be without him for longer than one day, I wasn’t sure what I might do if this would happen.

"I know. Come here, Nialler." Maybe I was holding onto him too tightly, but it felt like someone would come and pull me away any second, so I didn’t loosen my arms, which was fine, because Liam’s hug was bone crushing too.

 

It was a terrible night yet one of the best we had, because neither of us went to sleep, we stayed up talking and cuddling, just being together, trying not to think about that time was running out, but I did cry a few more times, only without the yelling this time. And I also didn’t accuse him of being dishonest with me anymore. I knew he loved me, I knew he was right about everything, it wasn’t for forever, but it sure as hell just hurt as much.

Sometime around four or five in the morning, I was lying next to Liam with his arm around me while I played with his finger when our talk would go a bit deeper than the usual “I love you”, “I will miss you so much”, “I can’t live without you.”.

"Liam, you’re not going to … to hurt yourself, right?" I was pretty scared about this, yes, because being so far away from him, I’d probably never find out, no chance of stopping him or talking him out of it.

"I haven’t done ever since we met in the restrooms and I’m not going to go back to that, no worries, babe." His voice sounded convinced which made me relax a bit and cuddle closer as he leaned up for a second to kiss my forehead. But then his breathing suddenly did get uneven. "I actually… didn’t wanna talk about this, but… okay. Before when you would always talk about this like it was a goodbye forever.." Yeah, I had already guessed it here, also Liam had to swallow hard now, tears shimmering in his eyes as I turned onto my stomach to look at his face as he kept on talking. "You’re not going to turn it into one, are you? You are not going to try again, right? You are over that, you will get through this until we are together again?" It was SO hard to watch him like this, fighting with his tears, nervously playing with the back of my shirt.

And I admit it, I had thought of that too, I had done it once, I could do it a second time, right? But it wasn’t only about me anymore, so that’s why I didn’t hesitate before answering. “I won’t, Li. You mean too much to me.”

My sad smile didn’t cheer him up, he only pulled me down to rest my head next to his, our faces so close I felt his breath on my skin, getting goose bumps all over. This was how I wanted to stay forever, right here.

"Promise me." He was still kinda stiff as he was tangling his fingers into my hair, I understood him quite well, the only problem was, I knew myself too.

"I promise."

Even though Liam closed his eyes after that for a bit, relaxing again, and I cuddled up into him and his waiting arms, I couldn’t help but realize something.

Yeah well, this had been a promise for not trying to kill myself.

And only for that.

 

I’d tell you how it was like, saying goodbye, but when I stared out of the window of the plane with a total stranger snoring next to me, I wasn’t quite sure it had happened, I wasn’t even sure Liam existed somewhere in this world, that he had ever talked to me or even touched me. But of course he had, his shirt I was wearing right now was proof enough.

When we had arrived at the airport, I had been done crying, but I hadn’t been prepared for this at all and neither had Liam.

Turned out my parents had been kind enough to already check my bags in, and all that was left for me to do was lining up for security check, yay.

So when we were almost close enough to be able to talk to them, my mum was crying, my dad was having this blank stare on his face (he was just making sure I really got onto this plane and finally left him alone), Liam suddenly stopped me, pulling me close with the hand I was holding onto desperately, bringing the other up to cheek.

"I’ll go now, okay?" I knew it would be a good thing to do, separating as soon as possible, but I was a baby once again.

"N-No." Shivers were going through my body, I felt cold all of a sudden, but Liam shook his head softly, kissing my forehead.

"No crying now, baby, hush. You’ll be okay. We’ll try and talk today, okay? Maybe you have internet. I love you so much." That was special about him, I knew how bad he felt, as bad as I did, but he smiled through that and was still there for me.

"I l-love you t-too." Then I let my eyes flatter closed as he kissed me one last time, I’m afraid this was exactly going like in all those movies and books.

"Don’t turn around, okay, just go to your mum." Liam whispered against my lips before he made me turn with my eyes still closed. "I’ll see you soon, Nialler." He murmured into my ear before kissing the shell, then the sudden loss of his presence made it even colder, but I followed his advice.

Everything else that happened, my mum hugging me, my dad saying something I ignored, getting through all the stuff you had to at an airport, just went by in a blur.

I was trying to stay strong, I swear to god, but when I lined up to get into the plane, my phone vibrated just in time before I wouldn’t have any connection any longer.

 

_From Louis 9:37 AM_

_Niall, Harry cried himself to sleep yesterday and I thought it would be better to not wake him, you needed to be with Liam now. We both love you like our brother, you know that right? No alcohol until I have Harry and Liam dragged over to Ireland so we can take care of you. We’ll miss you terribly, write soon. x_

 

After that message my face fell like a mask, if there hadn’t been people pushing me forwards, I wouldn’t have moved again in the next few hours, I was hardly able to find my seat then from all the tears blocking my sight, but sadly I was still alive when the plane took off.

And also when it landed.

 

________________________________________________________________

 

_To Liam 12/18/12 8:02 PM_

_Liam,_

_my grandparents forgot to pick me up, they told me there had been a car accident, but I believe they are lying, so that’s why it’s so late now. I’m sorry._

_I don’t like it here, but I have my own room (in which I have locked myself into right now) and very slow internet connection, so sorry if this mail doesn’t reach you before the apocalypse, I don’t think Skype will work properly._

_There is really nothing to say, I would call you, but I would start crying if I hear your voice, so I better try and go to sleep now before my grandma makes me talk to mum. They’ve been on the phone for like three hours now._

_Can you tell Louis I got his text message, and him and Harry that I love them? (but I love you more, don’t worry)_

_And pet Hunter for me._

_I miss you tons (or more but you know that already don’t you?) and I’m using your shirt as a pillow, I hope you don’t mind._

_Don’t mind the time if you want to call me though, just call anytime, okay? My phone is never turned off._

_Wish you were here,_

_Nialler_

 

 

My eyes felt kinda watery as I stared at the screen, not being able to get those pictures out of my head of how Niall had written this mail.

Niall was … my everything, I admit that it was pretty crazy with us, but it was like love at first sight. At least for me, considering he hadn’t known he was gay that wasn’t much of a surprise.

Life hadn’t been good before, my old school and the people there, but I was over that now, also over the cutting. Because of Niall.

It seemed like he had saved me even though he claimed I was the one who had saved him, that was totally not true.

I’ve always known something was strange about Niall, when our eyes had met on the first day of school, he hadn’t seemed happy or sad, no, he had looked beyond anything I would’ve expected, totally desperate.

Over the day I slowly forgot about him though, but then the unhappiest looking person in the whole building leaned over to cheer ME up.

That had been when I decided to keep an eye on him. Which had been a good idea.

I admit it, I was VERY concerned about getting him to open up and be my friend, but I had reasons to do that.

Niall Horan walked through the school hallways as if no one in there existed, except Harry Styles. And me.

Sitting next to him every single day, watching him in the breaks, it wasn’t hard to be worried about this boy. The long sleeves, his friendship with Harry, that he never talked to anyone else, the pills falling out of his bag.

And above that he was incredibly cute, fine.

Anyway, my existence didn’t really make his life easier, did it. People bullied him because of me, that would even get me more protective over him and right now, it was unbearable.

I had let them hurt him and his dad taking him away from me, the fact that he had promised he wouldn’t try to… to kill himself seemed to be meaningless.

He wasn’t the only one who had scars, I know how it was like, when a promise isn’t worth shit any longer, you don’t think. And I was fucking scared Niall had been pushed over the edge now, I wouldn’t be able to survive that.

But I wasn’t able to do anything to protect him any longer, he was out of my reach and I wanted him back so bad it hurt.

Yesterday and tonight I had been trying to overplay it, be strong for my Nialler, but I was alone now, my bed smelled like him, I missed how he would always blush and his laugh.

I just wasn’t sure I’d be able to do that, maybe I should just catch the next flight.

"Liam?" Lora interrupted my self pitying as she knocked on my door lightly, her voice shaking a bit.

Before answering, I quickly wiped my cheeks and closed my laptop, I wouldn’t write back now. I knew what would happen if I did, Niall would never go to sleep, he would stay up and we would probably write mails the whole night. But he needed to get some rest, and not cry or get bad ideas. Shit, I probably should call his grandparents and beg them to watch him 24/7.

"Are you…Okay forget that. Have you heard anything from Niall yet?" My sister walked into the room slowly, softly shutting the door before sitting down on the bed next to me, I felt her worried stare but didn’t stop watching the ceiling.

"Yeah. He wrote me a mail." The burning in my eyes made me close them, not wanting anyone to see me cry.

"Why don’t you call him?" Lora whispered, her fingers felt cold on my arm, but I let her.

"Because…because he needs to…sleep." Shit, my throat was too tight for normal conversations.

"I’m sorry, Liam." She lied down next to me, without another word. I was pretty thankful for that, because even though my baby sister could be a pain in the ass (for example when she was crushing on boys I liked too and then confronted me about it), we got along really good. It had been her who stood up for me for being gay and well to be honest, it was extremely nice she hadn’t ripped my head off when she had walked in on Niall and me kissing that day in the kitchen. Okay, it was a bad idea to think about me and Niall being close. Very bad.

"It’s my fault." I suddenly said, it just slipped out of my mouth somehow, Lora wasn’t usually the person I would tell my problems, but no one else was here.

"Why would you think that?" The mattress moved when she did, probably leaning onto her elbow to stare at me.

"Those assholes that beat him up, they did it because they hate me. His dad would’ve never gotten so mad, he would’ve never found out about us if this hadn’t happened. It’s because of me." That was the truth, I had been trying to help him, but in the end, I’m not quite sure I had.

"Liam, I’ve known Niall for longer than you do. He was always the outcast, people talked behind his back, you know. They still do, he just never noticed he… he was always too absent to realize what was going on. Ever since he is with you he seems happy, I hadn’t even known what his laugh sounds like before. You helped him more than you did any harm." And yet she had fallen in love with him. I guess that’s just something about Niall, if people would just take time and talk to him, everyone would like him. But no, I rather wanted them to stay away, he was mine.

"I just don’t understand why this had to happen. Tell me what to do." Probably it wasn’t a good idea to beg her for advice, but I was desperate and I felt lost without a clumsy blonde boy by my side, he had always made me feel like I needed to be strong for him, but for whom did I have to keep myself together now? Exactly.

"Write him back, call him. Just don’t lie around here and make both of you suffer because you think that’s what’s best for him. You are what’s best for him, I…" Her sudden mood change made me finally open my eyes.

"What?" I watched her chewing around on her bottom lip, avoiding looking at my face.

"I feel like Niall would… probably do something to himself. You need to sort this out and get him back, Liam, I really mean it. I’m pretty worried about him." Hearing this out of her mouth was strange, she had no idea about anything, not the cutting, not the depression or the therapist or the suicide attempt. Which would mean it was pretty obvious.

"I know, I’m worried too." More, I was terrified.

After Lora had left me alone again, making me feel worse, I continued to pity myself a bit, but then it was already nine and I just needed to let Niall know I had gotten his mail, no matter if it kept him from sleeping.

 

_To Niall 12/18/12 9:10 PM_

_Nialler babe,_

_I’m sorry it took me so long, I wanted to wait for you to fall asleep. If you read this, I’m about to head over to Harry and Louis, just call me?_

_Your grandparents didn’t forget about you, you always told me how much you love them, they love you too. Who couldn’t?_

_We will work this out, without Skype and with bad internet connection, I promise. I can still write you letters if everything fails, you want me to write you a love letter? Haha. No, but seriously, I would._

_Please don’t cry, I don’t want you to be sad, it hurts._

_Maybe you should talk to your mum though, ask about your dad and stuff you know… probably things calmed down?_

_Anyway, I’ve talked to Lora before and she is worried about you too, please be nice to yourself Niall, I would do it, but since I’m not here you need to do it for me._

_Don’t be too down, baby, don’t lock yourself away, it will get worse if you do, try to see it as a vacation, maybe it’ll help (I know I give terrible advices I’m really sorry about that but I’m missing you a lot and it distracts me)._

_And now, go to sleep and of course you can use my shirt as a pillow, your hoodie is in my bed too, actually. I miss you._

_Smile a bit, we’ll find a solution to be together again soon. Hunter misses you too by the way, he his whining on the bed next to me ever since he saw the picture of us I have as a background on my laptop._

_I love you, don’t you forget that, and I wish I was there too,_

_Liam_

 

After I had pet my depressed dog a bit, I grabbed my jacket and headed downstairs yelling “Dad, I’ll borrow the car, I’ll be back soon” before taking the keys, not waiting for an answer of course. Ever since Niall was gone I somehow didn’t see sense in much anymore. And yes I know that it had only been like ten hours since I had stumbled out of that freaking airport, crying.

My phone felt heavy in my pocket, on one hand I was praying for it to start vibrating on the other I just wanted Niall to sleep tight and forget for a while. I knew exactly what happened when he was left alone with himself for too long, he started worrying and came up with the most absurd theories.

While I was driving to Zayn’s apartment, I suddenly realized that without Niall I probably would still not have any friends here, I had managed to scare them all away at my last school and the few people I talked to didn’t have my phone number any longer. I guess that says pretty much everything.

The fact that me and Niall only had Louis and Harry besides each other probably made this whole thing even more difficult.

I mean, how was I supposed to suddenly live without the person I texted during every class, saw every break and every single day, slept in a bed with on the weekends and waited to fall asleep on the phone during the week? We were dependent on each other, and even though Niall always claimed he was the one who needed me a lot more, I needed him just as much.

And since all those things made me want to steal my parents money and get a plane to Ireland, Harry and Louis would have to fucking listen to me now.

 

"Zayn’s here." Harry warned me when he pulled me into a hug before I could even say hi, I saw Louis over his shoulder looking quite uncomfortable.

They still hadn’t told Zayn what was going on between them, considering he owned two guns, that was clever.

"Niall sent me a mail, he got your text message Louis. And he loves both of you." But not as much as me.

"Louis wouldn’t wake me up." Harry explained a bit annoyed as we sat down, but his boyfriend just put an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close which made his face soft again.

"Liam and him needed to be alone. Besides that, I suppose there wasn’t a huge goodbye scene at all, it would’ve only made things worse if you had been there too." This made me think back again, but I quickly stopped at the point where I had turned around despite what I had wanted to do and stared at Niall’s back pushing his dad’s hand away before I lost sight of him.

"Doesn’t matter now anyway. So how are we gonna get him back?" Harry seemed so concerned about this while me and Louis shared a worried look.

"Get who back?" The voice came from Zayn who just walked out of his room and stopped when he saw us.

I had seen Zayn maybe two times, but had never talked to him, he actually didn’t sound like someone who would take drugs and changed girlfriends everyday, but he sure as hell looked like it.

"Niall." Harry made a movement with his hand, expecting his big brother to lose interest right away, but we were all surprised as he came a step closer, thinking about something as it seemed.

"Hm. I’ve heard that name before, wait a second… ah. That blonde kid, right? He always tries to tell me how to treat our cat right." Well, that sounded like Niall.

"Yeah, right. My best friend. Since years. You’ve talked to him hundreds of times, but never mind." But Zayn actually didn’t let Harry’s comment affect him, he really seemed to care all of a sudden.

"What happened to him? Wasn’t he always… wait, who are you?" Now his eyes fixed me, but they weren’t full of hate like I expected them to be for just walking in and out of his apartment, he seemed to be truly confused.

"I’m Liam, I’m-"

"He’s a friend of mine, he goes to my school." Harry threw a warning glance into my direction, had he really thought I would’ve said ‘Hi, I’m Niall’s boyfriend’? I wasn’t here to out anybody, especially not myself.

"So, what exactly are you all doing in my living room? Not that I mind, it’s just really strange that you gang up with them, Louis. And why do you all care about that Niall kid?" With that he let himself drop next to me on the couch, looking us all into the faces as we stared at him speechless.

"Well…Niall is our friend and… and his dad sent him away to live with his grandparents in Ireland. We gotta get him back." As Harry continued to explain the situation he gained confidence, even seemed to be excited about how Zayn would actually listen to him once.

"What has he done to be sent away?" Of course, in Zayn’s world everyone was a criminal and robbed banks and god knows what else.

"He… he got beaten up by some kids from our school and his dad obviously wants him to be popular like … "

"Like Harry." I finished the sentence for him, earning a thankful look.

"Yeah, I suppose. Well, anyway, his dad hates him and he probably also hates us and everyone else in this world because he is a fucking psycho and won’t let Niall come back home." At the end it sounded almost furious, which I could really relate to, I really suddenly wished I would look something like Zayn and get my gang and drive to Niall’s house to kill that fucking asshole.

"So… he got beaten up?" The other part was completely ignored, did I see Zayn’s eyes sparkling?

"Zayn…" Louis warned him suddenly, obviously knowing more than the rest of us, but he didn’t even get one look.

"Yeah. And his dad is a brick." I nearly jumped when Zayn got up all of a sudden, walking over to face Harry who got a bit smaller, maybe expecting yelling or a slap in the face.

"So does that mean… you need help with this?" What?

"You… you would help us?" Harry’s voice almost cracked while Louis just shook his head and I couldn’t believe it.

"You’re my baby brother and obviously you wouldn’t survive for five seconds if there was a real fist fight, so yes." Maybe he just made it sound like it was his duty to help, but I think he really cared about Harry at the end of the day, just didn’t wanna let it show so much.

"Don’t you have places to be? People to kill?" Louis threw in, a bit upset as it seemed while Harry was beaming next to him and I just sat there, not really sure of what to think about this. I wanted those assholes from school to be punished, I also wouldn’t mind them getting killed (by myself preferably) but Niall’s dad was another level. If they decided to pull him into this, he would get them arrested, for sure. Because that’s what he had told Niall to shut him up, that he would get Harry and Zayn.

"Yes, Louis, I do. The ones who beat up Niall." His smile was evil, I was really glad I was friends with Harry right now.

"Niall won’t like this." Now Louis was looking at me, as if I was the only person now who could prevent the other two from going crazy.

Before I was able to open my mouth and tell him that he was right, Harry jumped up excitedly, almost clapping into his hands like a girl and Zayn took out his phone, holding it to his ear.

"Niall is not here." He answered for me.

That made me shut up.

 

It was fucking scary to be introduced to Zayn’s friends, and it was also really hard to not choke while being in a room with ten people smoking. To say I didn’t feel completely out of place was an understatement, and while Harry at least tried to not look like he was scared to death when realizing that they carried guns, Louis was fucking annoyed, leaving within fifteen minutes. I decided it was best to follow.

"You don’t think this is a good idea, do you?" He stared at me as I met him outside, the darkness making it a bit hard to see his face, but maybe that was good, didn’t need someone glaring at me right now. "Please tell me you didn’t fall for Zayn’s lies."

"I don’t know anything anymore, Louis." At least I was honest, okay.

"Liam, I know these people. I know Zayn. They are fucking crazy, if you would ask them to kill Niall’s dad, they would already be on their way." Judging by their looks I believed him, but to be honest, I don’t think Zayn was stupid enough to risk being caught as a murderer. "If it wasn’t for Harry, I wouldn’t have come back to this place."

"Then try to understand me, I would do anything for Niall, I love him so much it hurts. And because of those fucking assholes hurting him he was taken away from me. I’ve run out of ideas, I have no fucking idea how I should survive being without Niall for an unknown time." And not knowing what he was doing to himself over there, every minute passing by I didn’t know what he was up to was driving me insane. And it had been hours, you do the math.

"I would tell you to get on a plane but that’s no solution." Now his face softened a bit, maybe he actually tried to see it from my point of view.

"I don’t know. I’m fucking confused, I’m not quite sure if I even want to know what Zayn is going to do, maybe I should just go home and…" Yeah what. Cut myself. That sounded nice right now. Shit.

"Don’t do anything stupid. For Niall." What was that look in his eyes? As if he knew something more. Hadn’t Harry kept his mouth shut about Niall’s past?

"I don’t know how to deal with this." I admitted after some time of us standing in the cold, staring at the cars passing by and tears welling up in my eyes. It was winter break, usually I wouldn’t be out here talking with Louis, I’d be home with Niall and stay up as long as he would take to fall asleep so it wouldn’t be weird anymore for me to stare at him mindlessly and adore his face.

"I can’t imagine the situation you are in and I’m really sorry, you know, but both you and Harry are talking about this as if Niall was to die soon. And every time I ask Harry he starts distracting me, so I’m asking you. What is actually going on, Liam? Seriously, you just sounded as if you would go home and hang yourself." No, I did not look at him after that, I was even scared he heard my heart beating as if it was trying to do my job and just kill me right there.

"It’s… it’s complicated. I don’t think it’d be a good idea to talk about this now, but…none of us is going to hang themselves, just so you know. But I do feel like it." The last part was really stupid, I bit my tongue after that, but Louis just put his arm around my shoulder, hopefully not taking it serious.

"He’s not out of the world, Liam." Yet.

"Yes, I know. But I miss him so much and I’m so worried and… shit." When I realized I was starting to cry I quickly pressed my eyes shut, reminding myself of how I had just told Niall that he shouldn’t cry and now I was doing it myself.

"I’m so sorry." Was all Louis replied, what else could he have said?

Harry interrupted me being an emotional wreck by loudly falling down the stairs behind us and Louis jumped away from me to make sure he didn’t get hurt, ignoring the fact that this nearly made ME fall down. Who cares right.

It hurt watching them, how Harry wrapped his arms around Louis’ waist , nuzzling his face into his neck and mumbling something like “I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier.”

"I’ll see you guys later, okay?" I wanted to get away from them after Louis had started kissing Harry’s face to make him giggle, I felt like throwing up.

"Wait, Liam!" Someone grabbed my arm, I winced a bit, just to remind myself that it was totally normal to do that, it was just Niall who had made me stop touching people in places like this.

"We can’t go back into the apartment, we’re going to the movies, wanna come?" No.

"What, you’re leaving Zayn up there to do whatever he and his killer friends want?" I was already seeing the police knocking on my door tomorrow.

"They won’t do anything tonight, they’re drunk and probably high." That were really good qualifications for doing what Zayn had promised, comforting. "Zayn said they’d plan this out and do it tomorrow."

"Do what? No wait, don’t tell me." The longer I thought about this, I was getting scared and suddenly pretty worried about wether this was a good idea. But then again, I actually hadn’t even agreed. And I sure as hell would not try and talk those junkies out of it.

"I don’t know much either. So you wanna come?" First of all, I don’t think they wanted me to come, they were just worried I’d accidentally crash into a tree. Accidentally.

"No, but thanks." With that I turned away, trying to think of anything just to get the sight of them holding onto each other like that out of my head.

"I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?" Not quite sure who had yelled that, I just raised my hand, not even bothering to look back at them, or wave, or be polite, simply because my fucking body had decided to embarrass the hell out of me and let those stupid tears spill over once again. What a record, I had exactly managed to survive four hours without crying.


	12. Chapter 12

I wanted to call him. Really fucking bad.

But it didn’t help trying to distract myself, I would always go back to staring at his name on my display. What had I done to deserve this?

Of course, I also considered sending him about ten million emails or crying over his photos or jumping out of the window, drowning myself and so on.

Instead I just lied in my bed, fighting a battle with the scissors over there, but of course, I wouldn’t give in, no. Niall was more important than that.

After about an hour, I finally got myself to leave my phone out of sight for a few minutes to go into the bathroom. It was one in the morning already or so, I tried my best to be careful, but actually there was no need to.

Ever since Niall was… gone, my family was a lot more forgiving when it came to me. Okay no, actually they just ignored me and put up sad faces whenever I walked by. Considering it had only been one day so far, that was a really poor start.

I managed to fall asleep much later, the phone still in my hand so I would jump if it moved the tiniest bit.

Well, that’s what I thought.

It was fucking confusing to be woken up by that vibrating, I should’ve seen it coming and just stayed awake for that half an hour longer, because now I hardly knew what was going on when in reality my heart would’ve probably jumped out.

"Yeah…?" I hadn’t even read the name, just turned onto my back, eyes still closed.

"I’m sorry I woke you…" God, I hadn’t known hearing his voice would make me feel like this, even when he whispering. I sat up in less than a second, totally awake.

"Niall! No, it’s okay, don’t worry, are you alright? What’s the matter? Why aren’t you sleeping? I wrote you a mail I…" I then realized that I was going fucking crazy and stopped to hear Niall catching his breath.

"I…I’m okay…" He sounded everything but that, sleepy and sad, just not like someone who was okay. But how could he have been.

"Try to go back to sleep, Nialler, I’ll stay awake." Hearing him felt like heaven right now, but he was even worse than I had thought.

"I can’t." It wasn’t hard to guess when he was about to cry, which was now.

"What happened?" Besides the fact that we are too far apart and I wanted nothing more than to find words to comfort him but instead I closed my eyes in desperation. Hadn’t thought that it would hurt so freaking bad.

"I slept in after sending you that mail and woke up just now after… a couple of… nightmares…" Before I could ask about that, he cleared his throat and carried on to distract me. "I’ve been reading what you wrote me, I actually wanted to reply but… I couldn’t wait to… hear your voice." Niall sniffed after that, it sounded like he was moving.

"I miss you too, so much. But Niall, please don’t cry now, lie back down and close your eyes, okay? You’ll be fine." I felt so bad for him and also for myself, but since I put him first hearing him talk like this about his nightmares and all that was killing me, what else could I have said? I just wanted to get there and kiss it all better.

"Can we just talk? Please, I can’t go to sleep now." He whimpered, breaking my heart.

"Of course, I’ll stay up all night if you need me to, alright?" Maybe I should really just fly over there, seriously, this was so hard, I couldn’t imagine having to feel like this for weeks now.

"Thank you." Another sniff. "How are Harry and Louis?"

"Harry is very concerned about getting his payback and Zayn wants to help too…" Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have told him that, that wasn’t very comforting was it?

"Zayn?" At least it had distracted him, now he sounded scared.

"Yeah well… they are making some plans to… get those assholes and-"

"No! Liam, Harry doesn’t know what he’s doing, especially if Zayn is involved too. If they do anything and my dad hears about it he will go crazy." His voice was shaking now, I was really bad at putting people back to sleep.

"Calm down, Niall, why would he care about that?" It seemed that as long as his son was away, Mr. Horan didn’t care about anything at all.

"Because it will only make him think I’m a loser who can’t deal with things himself. He will say I deserve to be here for being such a failure as a son. And I’m never… g-gonna see you a-again." Oh no, I shouldn’t have told him. But he was right on the other hand, I simply didn’t have enough influence to make them stop.

"Niall…" There was really nothing I could’ve said now that he didn’t already know, so I sat back up, running my hand through my hair desperately, trying to think of the right words. If they even existed.

"Sorry, I just… I mean what does it even matter what Harry or Zayn do, it’s not like I’m allowed to come back either way." A sad laugh escaped his mouth which ended in coughing. "I fucking hate this place."

"First of all, yes you will come back. And secondly, haven’t you liked it once? Maybe if you-"

"No. It’s not the house, Liam. Or even my grandparents or whatever. It’s because you aren’t here. And it won’t get better no matter what I tell myself." He sounded confident, but I knew that we were only a small step away from a breakdown.

"I know, Nialler, it’s the same for me. I just don’t know what to do, I…I’m sorry I let this happen, I know I have promised to protect you, I’d do anything for you, you know that, don’t you?" I wasn’t a very good boyfriend right now, I know that.

But luckily Niall was.

"Then can you please…keep on talking? I just wanna hear your voice and not think about anything else." He whispered into the phone, probably trying to get comfortable in his bed, I felt my heart warming up, but it was hurting at the same time from wishing he was next to me cuddled into my arms.

"Anything for you."

That’s how our conversation pretty much ended and turned into a monologue from side, which was fine, because Niall commented the random stuff I was telling him about with giggles that gave me goosebumps from how cute he was. It was almost as if… no forget that, it wasn’t.

"Hmm, I love you, Li." Was the last thing Niall murmured before obviously falling asleep, because I heard how the phone dropped out of his hand, but I still heard him breathing.

For a few moments, I felt like just not going to sleep and listening to him all night, it was very comforting, if I closed my eyes I could just pretend he was next to me.

But then I remembered that this was his phone bill and sighed heavily, trying to prepare myself that now I’d have to wait god knows how long to be this close to him.

"I love you too, Nialler. Sleep tight, baby." And yes I did kiss the display before hanging up, there’s nothing wrong with that okay.

 

I’d tell you we got better as time passed by, that Niall stopped calling me in the middle of the night, that he didn’t cry on the phone so much one time he had to drop it and throw up, that Zayn didn’t get the assholes from school and got them beaten up, that I thought about cutting again, but all those things happened. Some of them more than once.

Christmas was hard, because I had to spend more time with my family than I had gotten used to, it was just a a week after Niall had left and I was worse than the day it had actually happened.

No one really talked to me about it, but I knew I changed, I wouldn’t say much anymore, only when I was asked, but still kept the number of words leaving my mouth at a minimum. I just didn’t see a point.

The only time when I didn’t seem to run out of things to talk about was on the phone with Niall, though I longed to see him more and more each day, webcam wouldn’t work, so we started sending each other pictures.

When I suggested we could do that, it was the first time Niall was actually thrilled about something again.

He took pictures of the whole house, and even of himself because I begged him for some for half an hour, but only under the condition that I’d get him a picture of me with Harry and Louis. So that’s what we did.

Other than we had thought Zayn getting involved didn’t help or do any harm, the only thing would’ve been if Niall would’ve come back then people from school would have NEVER bullied him again. But of course, that didn’t happen.

Niall’s grandparents were really understanding, I had a feeling they had only agreed to let Niall live with them because they were scared what his dad would’ve done to him otherwise, but even if I talked to them on the phone sometime, I knew they weren’t seeing the Niall that I got to hear on the phone every night.

That was the problem, Niall was too good at hiding things, just so no one would get worried, I knew he had promised me he wouldn’t try and kill himself, but the longer I thought about it, that promise wasn’t worth anything if he decided to hurt himself in other ways.

The only person who really understood me in those times was Harry, he was broken as well, not as much as me and Niall, but to a point that turned him into someone else.

See, at school I hadn’t had anyone other than Niall, so from the first day I had to go back alone, I was on my own. Not that I minded that, I didn’t need anyone if I couldn’t have him.

That’s why I sat alone at lunch break, not really knowing what to do with myself anymore, I couldn’t call Niall because his grandparents had gotten him some sort of home school teacher so he wouldn’t lose track completely and I knew he didn’t have breaks at the exact same time I had.

It was as if he was gone forever when he told me that, and this was the first time I was the one slipping and crying on the phone. Somehow I had survived this by telling myself every day he would be back by tomorrow, the next day, I told myself again. Just one day, Liam, you can do that, right, just one night.

So Niall being home schooled in Ireland (because he refused to leave the house most of the time and actually I was glad they didn’t send him to a school because on one hand I was scared he would get bullied on the other I was scared he would like it so much he wouldn’t wanna come back to me, stupid, I know) finally opened my eyes, I needed a solution for this.

That’s when Harry got involved, he came up to me a day later after finding that out, by himself, while his friends were somewhere else joking around, and he just didn’t stop and hugged me tight. We sometimes texted or I talked with him or Louis, but that was it, so I was a bit straddled, however, didn’t hesitate to hug me back, this was the closest I’ve been to someone after Niall had left.

From there on, Harry started hanging out with me at school, he dumped his friends (no, I’m serious, he told me they had made fun of Niall leaving saying stuff like ‘Oh well, at least now you don’t have to baby him the whole time anymore’) and said that he had Louis anyway, that Niall was like his baby brother and he knew there was no one who loved Niall more besides me, so I believe that’s why he stuck to me.

Even though somehow I believed that Niall had talked to him about it, because when I asked Harry he blushed a bit, shrugged while mumbling something like “He’s just really worried about you…”. That broke my heart.

Niall was worried about me? And he sent me his best friend to cheer me up while I sat here in another country not being able to do anything for him in return.

The last thing were Niall’s parents, me and Harry planned too often that we would just drive over to his house and talk to his mum, but Louis didn’t let us, because of Niall’s dad, so we never heard from any of them again, Niall refused to speak to them too, he even covered his ears and closed the door when his grandparents brought them up.

I wanted to tell him that it was wrong, but then I remembered that they had been the ones who put Niall in unbelievably high danger and I shut my mouth.

So that was all that happened, as if it wasn’t enough, in the first… months.

Niall had left on december 18th and it was currently march 3rd.

You think I was doing good for not going insane? Breaking news, I was.

 

"Liam, you wanna come and eat something?" Lora was trying to be a lot nicer to me, she always knocked on the door, she never asked question, she was just being a really good sister, that’s why I felt really bad for being so cold lately.

"No." Yeah, I know I could’ve added a ‘thanks’ or try and at least look at her, but I was just lying in bed, even my curtains were still closed, the only light came from the open door.

It was a saturday, and about three pm, I woke up at like twelve, and still hadn’t managed to get up. Why would I? I had nothing to do, no one to call, my phone bill was about to explode.

"Okay…" There was hesitation in her, voice, then she sighed. "Mum is worried."

"Okay." I was worried about Niall, but no one cared about that either.

"She says you’ve lost weight." Probably, it’s not like I bothered stepping onto a scale. Who cared about my weight anyway, the only person I would’ve tried to look decent for was miles away.

"Okay." I had really no idea why she would tell me that but didn’t really want to find out either, I was just trying to go back to sleep so the day would go by faster.

"Please come eat something." Now she was begging, which was even worse, I heard the cracks in her voice, the unsaid ‘Do it for Niall’, something she’s used a couple of times but given up on when I got aggressive.

"I’m not hungry." And I wouldn’t force myself to put food into my mouth, because I was scared I’d throw up, which would be worse than just not coming downstairs at all.

"If you…change your mind…is it okay if I let Hunter in your room?" My dog, that was another thing, I couldn’t stand to touch him as often as I used to, I just couldn’t when all I remembered was how the first time Niall had come to my house was because of him. And how the two of them had slept on my couch together.

"I’d rather be alone." I knew, she hoped that Hunter would cheer me up, but I would’ve started crying and that’s something I had done all night.

"Okay…I’ll come back later…or so…" Lora was desperate, I could tell because lately she always was, she and my mum took turns on checking on me on days like this, but my parents would be gone tonight, so maybe I would finally get the house to myself if my sister decided to go hang out with friend.

She didn’t.

After I had managed to stay in bed until five thirty, I decided to go take a shower, and go back to bed again, but at least now my curtains were pulled back (because it was getting dark), while passing Lora’s room I had heard her talking to mum, about me. Well, all I could hear had been ‘No, I’m staying with him, don’t worry.’, but that was enough.

My dad’s car was parked under my windows, that’s why I heard them driving away while checking my phone (no messages, because Niall and I never texted and I had deleted the messages from Harry and Louis asking me to go with them to watch a movie or go eat something). There really was no reason to check anyway, no idea what I was hoping to see.

Of course, Lora came back shortly after saying goodbye to our parents, but this time, she didn’t knock, so I sat up in shock. Wow, I could still feel something like shock.

"Liam, we gotta talk." Her face was flushed, if I hadn’t known it better, I would’ve said she was excited, but why would she?

“‘bout what?” My voice sounded wrong, as if I hadn’t used it in years. It felt like it.

"Because you can’t carry on like that and I know you would never tell me, but I know that you are worried about Niall for some reasons that are pretty serious." No one knew about the cutting, no one knew about the suicide attempt or the therapist (well, he didn’t have one anymore) or the pills (that he needed more than ever again), except for his parents, me and Harry. Probably Louis.

"And?" I sure as hell wouldn’t tell her, the fact alone that she had figured out something was wrong just by my behavior was scary.

"I…I know you have no money left and…" Right, my phone bills were horrendous, Niall’s were as well, we could only talk to each other like once a day, and his internet was so bad these times, writing mails was a challenge too, that’s why each of us wrote like novels each time, which took a long time waiting to hear from the other.

"What?" What was Lora trying to tell me? We looked at each other, both sitting on my bed, then she suddenly took my hand and put something in it.

"I didn’t go out for a month or bought anything." It sounded proud, but it only confused me, so I looked at what she had given to me, not getting it at first but then I felt my eyes filling up with tears. "I saved money for you, I… that’s not so much you know, but I’ll continue and then…I thought you could go and visit Niall…maybe mum and dad can help us out a bit too."

"You…" I was speechless, our relationship was good, I hadn’t thought it was this strong. "I-I can’t take it." But I wanted to, even if it wasn’t enough, but it was a beginning, however this would just be selfish, I should get off my lazy ass and try to earn money on my own. The problem was I couldn’t because I needed to help my dad on sunday’s and during the week I had school and wasn’t allowed to get a job.

"Yes, of course. I insist on it." There was the hint of a smile on her face, as if she didn’t know whether it was okay to smile, but I didn’t care about that right now, I just pulled her into a hug.

You know, it wasn’t really usual for us to hug, since I was seventeen and she was sixteen and anyway that was kinda strange, but I put that aside for a second, trying to contain myself and not let my tears spill over. “Thank you.”

"No problem, you’re my brother, Liam." It felt nice to hear someone laugh so close to my ear while they hugged me. "I asked Harry to come over later, is that okay?" I didn’t question why she would have Harry’s phone number or why she would invite him, I just said yes, closing my eyes for a bit, trying not to cry.

We talked for a bit, about normal stuff because Lora knew better than to start a conversation about Niall, I checked my mails a few times, but nothing, and I tried not to constantly stare at my phone, we usually talked at night, when we both couldn’t fall asleep, so it was unlikely that he’d call me now. But I wanted to call him.

I wanted to lock myself somewhere in and call him and cry on the phone because his voice was so beautiful and smooth and I missed his head on my chest when he fell asleep, his lips moving against mine, how I could feel when they turned into a smile when we kissed, how he would intertwine our fingers when we walked next to each other, just because it was natural reaction.

Most of all, I just missed looking at him, when he laughed so much tears were forming in his gorgeous eyes, or his messed up hair after he woke up, stretching his arms out towards me so we could cuddle in bed before actually getting up. We did that a lot, whenever we could.

When I thought about that, I knew where this was going, I’d remember it all, the day we said goodbye, Niall’s face, Niall’s tears, Niall. So I stopped, trying to concentrate on what my sister was telling me about her class, her friends, just her life in general, she had never done something like that before.

Of course, Harry brought Louis as well, the only time when they weren’t together was in school, because Louis obviously was finished with school, but he was still living with Harry and Zayn. It was a miracle Zayn hadn’t found out about them, I wondered if they’d ever tell him, maybe not. Or maybe he already knew and just ignored them.

One day Harry had been so excited to tell me that Louis had a job here now and that he had told his boyfriend they’d get a flat together as soon as Harry was finished with school, he hadn’t thought about who might have been listening, which happened to be Lora. So she knew that they were dating, but it was fine.

Lora acted like she didn’t know whether she was allowed to stay in my room when my friends (well, I just assume that’s what they were) were there too, so I made sure to involve her, because I didn’t want her to feel out of place.

It was nice somehow, that were all just hanging around, I was lying in my bed, Lora on the floor leaned against the door with Hunter’s head in her lap and Harry was lying across Louis’ lap on my couch. All. that was missing was a blonde irish boy on top of me.

"Okay, okay, calm down guys." We’ve been laughing over some (very naughty) joke Harry had told us, well, everyone was laughing for real and I was faking it. "Louis, I think you need to tell Liam something." What? And why did Lora even talk about Louis like that?

I sat up, looking at them all, very confused. “What?”

"I heard that your sister" Harry stood up now, walking towards the bed, sitting down next to me before continuing to talk. "has saved up some money for you."

"And since I have a job and Zayn leaves his stuff around everywhere and doesn’t care for anything getting lost because he can just go and replace it, we thought that…" My face fell when now Louis came over too, my eyes were quickly going over to my sister who was grinning like this was about her, then I stared at Harry, he looked at me with a face that was somehow between excited and sad at the same time. "We thought you could use this so you have enough to I don’t know, maybe a flight to Ireland." He put something next to me on the bed, I knew what it was without looking.

They had stolen money from Harry’s brother, Louis had offered what he earned from his job and Lora was giving up part of her social life. For me and Niall.

I started crying.

"I can’t…this is your money guys I…" My face was in my hands, so I wasn’t sure whether they heard me, but I was so happy and so depressed at the same time, I felt like I was going to lose it. Really, I wanted to go so badly, I wanted to go to the airport right now without bothering to pack shit, but this wasn’t right.

"Hey, Liam, shh." Harry was the one who hugged me, well he did what came closest to hugging. "I know how much you miss him, it’s been months. You need to go and see him, okay? Please, Liam, take it. I’ve talked to Niall’s grandparents, they haven’t told him yet but they’re okay with it, they won’t tell his dad."

"And I asked mum and dad, I lied before, they already gave me a bit money." Lora threw in from somewhere, I only heard their voices as if I had headphones on.

"You can go on thursday, we have a four day weekend, please." Was he really begging me?

"But Harry, you’re his best friend, it wouldn’t be fair that I get to see him and you…" This hurt me, but it was true, he put my happiness in front of his own, it wasn’t okay, he had known Niall for so much longer.

Now he lowered his voice, probably so only I could hear him. “He’s not doing well, Liam. Maybe we’re best friends but you’re his boyfriend, you are so much more important to him, if I was in his situation I’d also only wanna see Louis and no one else. If I’d go, that wouldn’t be right, you need it each other, it’s destroying both of you. And I’m really scared what Niall is going to do, he won’t last much longer.” The last part scared the shit out of me, I wondered what made Harry talk like that, what did he know that I didn’t?

We pulled apart and I wiped my eyes, trying to smile. “Okay, I’ll go.”

 

________________________________________________________________

 

Monday.

I hated monday’s the most, because it just reminded me that I had just survived another week, like, we weren’t in the middle of a week, or nearly at the end, no, it was a whole new seven days in hell.

Last night had been bad, really bad. I wanted to call Liam but I was crying so much, it wouldn’t have been fair to do so. Instead I had locked myself into the bathroom for four hours when everyone had been asleep, and tried to find arguments why I really shouldn’t relapse.

I found none, and my arm had to pay for it. It felt so nice, after all this time, I had no idea how I had survived such a long time without.

My grandparents knew about pretty much everything, but they weren’t like my parents, when I said I needed to be on my own, they let me, when I screamed through the whole house that I didn’t give a shit if they wanted to drive to the mall, they said it’s okay if I stay at home. No one ever yelled back at me or freaked out or tried to make me go outside. That was nice.

However, I also didn’t let them see my scars, I was always wearing long sleeves in front of them and most of the time, I tried to act like I was fine even if everyone knew that this was the biggest lie ever.

Nearly three months, and I was still alive.

The main reason probably was because I had promised Liam I’d keep on living, for him, I didn’t have much interest in anything else. My private teacher was going to lose his mind over my lifelessness, I did what he asked me to, I never asked him questions, but my mind was always somewhere else. One time he had even told me he had tried to talk to me and I hadn’t answered for five minutes, then he checked my homework and I had managed to make fifty spelling mistakes, but only because the rest of the text was blurry. Hm, I hadn’t even noticed that I had been crying on the paper.

My mum called once a day, she had stopped asking to talk to me three weeks ago, because I didn’t want to, I didn’t even miss her or dad or my house. I just missed Liam.

You know who also called? My therapist. She seemed to really like me, because she had offered to talk to me on the phone for free whenever I wanted. I told her I was fine while getting out a new package of pills. That had been a month ago and I had deleted her number.

Basically, no one really cared about, except for Liam, but I tried to not let it show whenever we talked on the phone, but I couldn’t help it, his voice woke up emotions in me and memories I’m not going to talk about now. Well, and Harry, but it was easier to contain myself when he was the one talking to me, because we also hadn’t really been hanging out that much back in England after all, so I could pretend it was fine.

But not with Liam.

When I rolled out of bed, I tried to catch a look at my clock, it was five pm already, hopefully Liam wouldn’t be worried now, I decided to check my mails, write him five pages or so before actually getting up and getting dressed or attempting to.

My heart made a jump when I saw that he had written me, we had stopped talking about our days or what we were doing, because we both didn’t do much at all anymore. So now it all was about really cheesy stuff and loads of pictures and things meant to cheer the other up.

It didn’t help this time, because I was in tears halfway through his mail, and when I got to the pictures I lost it completely, that’s why it took me like an hour to be done with what I wanted to send him. Without pictures because I had none and I looked like a zombie.

Then I cried a little bit longer before getting up, feeling numb while going through my suitcase. I had refused to unpack, I’m serious, the closet was empty, the bathroom was empty, I could’ve removed every proof I had ever been here within five minutes. That’s what I wanted, what I planned to do.

I had started to become a bad person, I mean it.

Since I wasn’t allowed to go get a job, and I also wouldn’t have been able to do it without getting fired (or not getting it in the first place), I stole money from my grandparent’s. They didn’t even give me pocket money (probably because they thought ‘What would he use it for anyway’), so that’s what I tried to defend myself with whenever I felt bad.

But seriously, I felt bad all the time, so that’s why I kept it up.

The problem was, they usually had their money with them whenever they left me alone, or in their room when they were asleep, so I didn’t have many changes to get some, and when I did, I could only take a little bit or it would’ve gotten obvious.

Not even Liam knew about this, I was scared he would stop loving me if he found out.

But I was scared about that every second of the day, secretly, I prepared myself for suddenly not hearing anything from him anymore, that he would delete his email address and change his phone number, erasing me from his life, without any explanation.

Not that I thought he was that kinda guy, no, he was the sweetest person in the whole world, but I couldn’t see a reason why he would put himself through this, or why he would like me or wait for me.

Okay, enough of the self pitying, I was just trying to help myself by saving up stolen money, sometimes giving in to the urge and self harm, googling a few times what I had done wrong the time I had tried to kill myself, so don’t blame me.

If things went how I hoped they would, I’d have enough for a flight back in like four months, if they didn’t, I’d wait for my eighteenth birthday in nine months, but I would probably not make it until then so I just told myself I’d be dead in a few weeks anyway, it’s not possible that my body would be able to handle this.

When I walked downstairs, my mood was normal ( = terrible and suicidal), but I smiled at my grandma, because she made me breakfast at six in the evening. I liked her better than my mum, I wished they could adopt me and then allow Liam to come and move in with us here. Hey, I can dream okay.

"How are you?" That’s something I liked too, no fucking nicknames.

"Good." Of course I said good.

"Your teacher called and he said he won’t come this week, because he is on holiday." Nice, can I have a holiday too? At my boyfriend’s house?

"Oh okay. When will he be back? On monday?" Now next monday would be even worse than this one, hadn’t thought that was possible. Maybe I should take a few more pills to calm myself down and be high for the rest of the day.

"Or tuesday, if you’re lucky." If I was lucky then I’d be dead on tuesday. I smiled, taking a bite of my toast. I hated toast. "And your mum called too."

That part was ignored by me, I continued chewing, drank a bit chocolate milk, because the word mum didn’t exist to me anymore, just as a sign to turn off. Before you judge me just think about this for a while, the woman who had tried to keep me locked up in my own house now had sent me miles away where I was more suicidal than any time while I had been at home. She’d regret it, for sure, I’d MAKE her regret it.

"Niall." Everyone knew I hated talking about my parents, why did they want to force me?

"Yes?" I tried to sound innocent, I had gotten used to it, the time I spent around my grandparents everything I did was acting really well, sometimes my facade slipped, but today I was doing good.

"Are you really okay?" No, help me, please, please, get me a flight or a gun.

"Yeah, I guess. Why?" Had she heard me crying last night? Unlikely, the bathroom was too far away from her bedroom, maybe she had woken up, but who cares, it’s not like she could have helped me.

"I just wanted to ask." Then she looked at me for a bit longer before bringing her attention back to cleaning the kitchen. If this had been someone else, they would’ve started bugging me now, but not in this house.

I finished my breakfast in peace, I only thought about how sharp the knives were my grandma was putting away twice, that’s nothing compared to last week when I had sneaked downstairs in the middle of the night, placing them in a row to see with which one I could get the best angle. Luckily I had put them away quickly before I actually did it, I wrote a seven pages long mail to Liam instead.

When I got back to my room, I locked the door, I always locked the door, it was both a habit from home but also necessary if I didn’t want to get paranoid. Somehow I lived with the idea that people were going to sneak up and check my arms or I don’t know, maybe my grandparents would fill the closet up with my clothes and I’d wake up and find out my other life had only been a dream. The thought alone made shiver and nearly tear up.

Since I mostly wore sweatpants (why wear jeans, I didn’t go outside, maybe once a week or so) it was very comfortable to just lay in bed, listening to the rain a bit, trying not to think about anything at all.

Liam wouldn’t have written me back so it was needless to check, so I took my phone, at first only because I told myself I wanted to know what time it was, but I ended up looking through my pictures.

Let me tell you who was in them. Liam while sleeping in my bed. Liam pulling a face when we had had to watch a boring movie in school. Liam while trying not to laugh when his mouth was full of food. Liam. Liam. Oh look, there’s me next to Liam while he was kissing my head and I had been sleeping leaning on his shoulder, while he played with my phone.

That’s when I lost it, no way was I going to wait until it was dark or until he called me or wrote me or contacted me in any way possible. No way.

My hand was actually shaking when I waited for him to pick up, I couldn’t wait, I hadn’t talked to him since two nights ago, what if he thought I didn’t want him anymore, what if he thought this was like breaking up, oh my god, was my heart really beating this fast? Was this normal? Was I going to die?

"Hey, baby." Oh thank god, I let tears drop, because I was so relieved. "Sorry, I fell asleep."

"Oh, did I wake you? Sorry, I didn’t mean to." Hopefully he didn’t hear that I was trying silently sniff.

"No, no that’s fine. Are you okay? You sound a bit…" Well, but he just knew me too well.

"I’m okay." Just having a mental breakdown over how beautiful your voice is even over the phone.

"You don’t need to lie to me, Nialler." Liam sounded worried now, I didn’t want him to be worried or feel anything besides happy.

"No, I’m really okay. I just don’t have so many minutes on the phone anymore before it’s gonna be blocked, so that sucks, but I wanted to call you because I didn’t call you yesterday, but I wrote you a mail, please don’t think I forgot about you just because I slept in and I’m really sorry, Liam, I love you so much and-"

"I love you too, breathe in, okay? I’m fine, I’m not mad at you. I’ll just call you from now on." But I knew about his phone bills, that wouldn’t be fair yet I was relieved he had offered it, I was about to start crying all over again.

"What if my phone ends the call now, I-"

"I’ll just call you back, Niall. What are you worrying about so much?" That usually happened to me when we hadn’t talked for more than a day, it filled me with self doubts, but today was really bad, maybe because of last night and what I had done to my arm, I felt like I was betraying Liam by not telling him.

"Nothing I just… I … I missed your voice and…I miss you and… I don’t know." Normally, I wasn’t just saying stuff like this, that was the reason we wrote mails, so we could say everything from how much I loved the feeling of Liam’s lips against mine to ‘when we get married…’ (and yes, Liam had promised me that, jealous?), without having to cry on the phone, but today was an exception.

"I miss you too, sweetie. A lot. I know how you’re feeling, I feel it too, and you know how much I wish I was with you right now, don’t you? But I have a surprise for you, you’ll love it." How could that surprise be good if it wasn’t him coming here and getting me away?

"Are you gonna send me nudes?" I couldn’t help it, I started laughing so hard, no idea how I had even come up with that idea, I was going insane, for real now.

"If you want some." Liam chuckled, obviously feeling better because my mood wasn’t at the worst anymore. "But that’s not the surprise."

"Tell me." Now I was excited, I mean, thinking about it, he wouldn’t just make me hopes to crush them again, right? It had to be good if he was trying to cheer me up with it.

"It’s a surprise, babe, can’t tell you." Oh great, another reason I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep.

"Please, Liam, give me a hint, anything." One day he had to tell me, how else would I find out, it’s not like he could show me…

"I will tell you, because you’re my most favorite person in the world" Now I was proudly smiling to myself in my room alone "and I love you to bits, but I’ll tell you on thursday, no chance you get me to say it before then." Rude.

"That’s mean, why did you even tell me in the first place?" We all knew the answer I think, just so I would have something to be excited until that day, to keep me from falling back into depression, he knew me too well.

"Because I want you to prepare yourself because it will be awesome and you’ll be too overwhelmed otherwise." The greatest thing I could imagine him doing that he’d be actually able to do was sending me some of his clothes he had worn. I was weird, I know. But thinking about it… that brought up some whole new ideas. Had I really needed three months to come up with that.

"Well, fine. Did you change your perfume lately?" I would buy it and spray everything in this whole fucking house with it including myself, oh my god, I was starting to forget how he smelled.

"No, why?" Jackpot.

"Because … for various reasons that I don’t wanna explain." If he didn’t wanna tell me something, I’d make him wonder too even if it wasn’t hard to guess. "Or maybe I will. On thursday." See I was fighting him with his own weapons.

For some reason, Liam got silent after that and when he spoke up his voice was much softer, as if I had just said something I wasn’t aware of. “I can’t wait.”

"It’s not that great though…" I am just losing my god damn mind, Liam.

"I don’t mind." But how could someone sound so honest about something like that? As if he REALLY couldn’t wait, as if thursday would actually be a good day.

"We’ll talk about that when it’s time. How was school?" Do you still have to sit alone in every class? Because that’s what he did, he had told me, and I knew he often skipped first and last period. Didn’t exactly cheer me up.

"Was a short day." And that was the code word for it. He’d fail maths and english. But then again, I would fail them too, because MATHS was really the last thing on my endless list of things I didn’t care about, which meant something because it also contained stuff like my parents.

"Was it okay?" I don’t know what I hoped to hear, did I want him to be okay in school without me and happy? Or did I want him to be sad and miss me?

"Well…no, not really. I’m kinda tired of the people there. Because they aren’t you." Answers like that made me both proud and depressed, I wanted to hug him so badly, it hurt. And how his voice had sounded too, so broken, like I felt.

"But Harry’s there. Is he nice to you or do I have to all him?" I had told Harry a few weeks ago (maybe months) that he HAD to go and hang out with Liam, but then he said he already did so that made me kinda happy and jealous at the same time and I hung up because I said I was tired when in reality I wanted to call Liam.

"He’s nice don’t worry. Lora invited him and Louis over to our house yesterday." And again, jealous or happy, I didn’t know, more happy I guess, because it distracted Liam and I knew he hardly did anything, but still more than me.

"Now I’m jealous." I laughed, but I really was and it bothered me. Everyone could meet up or talk or do something and everyone I knew here was over the age of fifty.

Even my teacher.

"Don’t be, baby." Liam of course knew when my laughter was forced, so I stopped. "I missed you the whole time and they only stayed for like an hour or so."

"That’s an hour longer than I have seen you in three months." Why did I always throw in things like that, I was so stupid and selfish.

"I know…" He sighed quietly, doing something in the background, probably lying down or turning, he was probably in his bed if he had slept before, when I closed my eyes, I could imagine it, that was better than nothing.

"Well, in nine months I’m eighteen." And dead.

"In eight months I’m eighteen too, but we won’t have to wait that long." Liam was always so convinced, how could he still be convinced? In the beginning he had talked to me like that for hours straight at night when I just couldn’t stop crying over how much I missed him.

"How do you know?" I was whispering because I had just had the realization that we were dating longer while I was Ireland than we have before being in the same country. Did that show our relationship was strong? Well, maybe, but I’d preferred not being able to say something like that.

"Because I do, I promise you." That was something he had never said before.

"You promise?" My voice was cracky, I felt like sitting up, but I couldn’t move.

"Yes. I’ll kiss you before my eighteenth birthday, I promise." It felt weird to cry when I was laying on my back because it made my tears drop into my hair and ear, but it didn’t really bother me. Maybe Liam had some plan as well like I had that thing with the stolen money, maybe his was better than mine. Hopefully.

"Thank you, I’ll look forward to it." I didn’t want to wait any longer, this was too hard and every second I was talking to him just reminded me of it.

"Me too." Liam laughed softly, giving me goose bumps, over the freaking phone, I couldn’t handle him and the miles between us any longer.

We kept on talking for a bit longer, but my phone was running out of battery and he had to go eat dinner and anyway, so I made him tell me he would call me again today, and I told him to keep calling me until I woke up just in case I slept in. He promised me that one as well.

The rest of the day was interesting, but weird, my grandma said she had to drive to the mall and this time I asked to come, she seemed really happy about it, as if I was doing it for her, she even let me go in sweats and Liam’s old shirt (and of course something over that, you know, arms and scars and stuff) and a snapback so no one would see my hair looked like shit. Mum would’ve never allowed me that.

All I wanted was Liam perfume and nothing more, so that’s what I got, then I waited in the car, saying I had just wanted to get out of the house for a bit.

I mean, considering the last time had been a week ago when I went with the trash, that sounded normal.

The only thing bothering me was that now I had less money, but it was soon forgotten when I found out someone had left their wallet on the kitchen table later at night. I still didn’t have anything near enough.

Liam called me, I hadn’t slept in, I had been reorganizing my suitcase, just for fun, so I could get out faster if I had to, I was so excited over it, I think this was really unhealthy but I mean, I couldn’t turn it off.

Later, when he had gone to sleep, telling me to read the mail he had sent me just before calling so I’d have something to do after he hung up or tomorrow morning if I wanted to, I quickly went for a shower, examining my arm.

The cuts weren’t anything near scratches like I had thought, they were actually deeper than I had thought, than I was used to, it made my stomach turn, I just put new band aids on, trying to get over it. Until I saw Liam, they would look like all the others. Not a good thing to be happy about.

 

On tuesday I woke up really early, which sucked, more time to think, more time to cry and worry and trying not to relapse. All I did was reading every single mail Liam had written me, looking through all the pictures, getting the best ones (well, it’s hard to choose when your boyfriend is a god, just saying) on my phone, then I got my camera, commenting my day with stupid and silly photos of my cereal and the neighbors cat in my lap when I walked outside for ten minutes and me in a mirror, no idea where this was going, I was just doing what Liam had written under the latest mail, ‘Please, can you just send me new pictures, you haven’t taken any in quite a while, and they always make me smile’. I liked when Liam smiled.

Wednesday, I got kinda excited I mean, tomorrow was thursday and I hadn’t forgotten about Liam’s surprise, Harry called me sometime, while he was on the toilet, but I mean, I didn’t really mind anymore after all, any distraction was a good distraction, right?

For the pictures I had sent to Liam, I got some back, he had actually taken some of Hunter this time, I didn’t know why he never seemed to do that, the only thing he wrote under them was that I should stop petting random cats. Well. But I got one of him that Lora had taken and insisted on showing to me, and even if Liam said he found it not good at all, I loved it so much, I put it as background for literally everything.

In the evening, I emptied half the bottle of Liam’s perfume, I was even crying when I smelled it, this was so him, it was ridiculous, maybe for the first time in weeks I’d really be able to imagine I was in his bed and he would come any second, wrap his around my stomach and whisper into my ear before kissing my temple. I’d kill to let this be reality, just for one night.


	13. Chapter 13

"Niall, are you awake?" Since when did I get woken up by someone? Maybe something had happened.

I yawned, turning onto my back, blinking a few times before I realized it was my grandpa sitting on the edge of my bed. Thank god I had gone to sleep in a hoodie.

"What’s the matter?" It was either really late or really early because of the lack of light coming through the window. I had a feeling it was the latter. Fuck no, another long day.

"I’m busy today, but a friend of us is coming to visit and I don’t want your grandma to drive to the airport alone, could you go with her? I know it’s early and you are tired, I was just hoping you would say yes." I really was tired, yeah, but I wasn’t an asshole after all and I also would feel better if I came along, I mean, I was awake now anyway and probably wouldn’t be able to sleep in again.

"Yeah, sure, I’ll just get dressed." When I sat up, stretching, I saw my grandpa smiling at me in a way he never had, as if he was going to tear up.

"Thank you, Niall, I’ll tell her you come downstairs in a bit, okay?" Then he actually ruffled my hair (I’m serious) before leaving me alone again, I was a bit paralyzed after that, I wasn’t used to getting touched any longer or someone smiling at me like that any anyway. This was all very strange, and why had I never heard about a friend coming over, did that mean conversation? Ugh.

Quickly, before I changed my mind again, I put on some clothes, brushing my teeth lazily because that’s what you do when you go out into public, you might think I had forgotten that, but I had books in my room.

Everyone was strangely in a good mood, I looked at the clock, it was like six in the morning, who the fuck took an airplane at six in the morning, they must’ve been really in need to get here and spend as much time as possible.

"Morning." Was all I said before sitting down on the kitchen table, too tired to even get myself some food or something to drink, I was just okay with watching my grandparents doing things like having breakfast.

While they had a conversation over something, I took out my phone, very paranoid that I’d miss out on Liam’s surprise, I mean, he thought I always slept in, what if it only worked then? This was really stupid but I couldn’t help myself.

When my grandpa left, I only mumbled some goodbye, kinda upset now, furthermore, tiredness kicked in again, so my grandma made me drink coffee, she said I needed to be awake, whatever reason, maybe I had to drive.

"I just don’t want you to sleep in in the car because then I’d have to lock you in but that’s dangerous." I wasn’t even listening.

The car drive to the airport hit me more than I had expected it to, you know, I had always thought that the day this happened was the day I’d be able to go home again, and now it was just a car drive to the airport. Maybe I could run away and hide somewhere, sneak on a plane, steal money to buy a ticket or better, steal a ticket. There had to be some way to get onto a plane right? Any, I was willing to sell my soul for it.

Another bad thing about this day were the crowds of people, what did they all do at a time like this? Why did they have money to travel and I didn’t?!

I never checked the boards where it said which plane would land and from where it was, I was just sitting next to my grandma who was smiling the whole time, I wanted to know for whom she was so excited for, but my mouth felt dry and my throat hurt, I didn’t wanna talk a word ever again, I wanted to crawl back into bed and cry for the rest of my pitiful life. But even that seemed to be too much work.

"What, now I have to stand up, too?" Ugh, whoever we were picking up, they owed me an explanation.

"Yeah, I don’t want to lose you, I’m sorry, they’ll be here soon." THEY. Please, no kids, please no stupid teenage girls. I wouldn’t be able to deal with it, I’m serious, I’d jump off the roof top.

Anyway, we had to spend another fifteen minutes waiting there behind the gates, I was looking for something to lean on, there wasn’t even like a wall, only other people looking for someone to finally get out of that plane, what were they thinking, selfish people, making me getting up at six and then also wait.

By the time the first passengers came out, guess what, KIDS, but luckily not the right ones, I was losing interest into this, I wasn’t really watching, I was turning my head, barely hearing my grandma say “Oh, wait a second here okay.” without an explanation, so I was really confused, looking for her, but I locked eyes with someone else.

No.

No.

No.

No.

THAT FUCKING BASTARD I FUCKING HATED HIM SO MUCH AND MYSELF TOO AND MY GRANDPARENTS AND EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Liam was standing there a few meters away from me, smiling, he had just gotten out of this plane. The one I had cursed. He was the person we were picking up. Liam was here okay, he was real, someone even told him to get out of the way, I wasn’t imaging him, no. LIAM WAS HERE.

I had always imagined this differently, that HE would be the one to come and pick me up, in England, at home, that I’d run into his arms, but now I just froze, staring at him, and his mouth turned into the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen.

That was the point where I started crying, hard, putting my hands over my mouth to stop myself from sobbing. All I could think was ‘He’s here, he’s here, he’s here.’.

Only when Liam’s eyes got wet as well and he dropped his bag, holding his arms open for me, I made myself move, hugging him so tightly, it hurt, but I gave no fuck, I was sobbing so bad now, I wasn’t able to talk.

"I love you, Nialler, I love you so much, I’m sorry I made it a secret, I love you." Liam was whispering in my ear, rubbing my back, my arms, running his fingers through my hair, he seemed to be touching me everywhere, while I was just holding onto him, my face buried in his shoulder, trying to contain myself. But I couldn’t, this was overwhelming, like he had predicted. "I missed you so much, baby, please look at me. Please, Niall."

Hearing his voice in person, smelling him, touching him, his warmth, just everything, it had started to slip no matter how hard I tried to hold on, but now it was here again, as if he had never been gone.

I leaned back, my fingers still clenched into his shirt, the tears making my sight blurry, I tried to wipe them away, stop shaking, I wanted to see his face properly. Liam helped me, he gently dried my cheeks, smiling the whole time, about to cry too, but he didn’t, he just looked at me, cupping my face, as if I was the most precious thing he had ever seen.

"I love you." Finally, I got to choke something out , putting a hand over his while I leaned into his soft touch, not being able to believe my eyes.

He still looked the same, you know, I had been afraid one of us would change, but he was still Liam and I was still Niall and when he crushed our lips together, keeping his promise, it was if we had never been apart.

Probably someone made comments about us kissing in public, but who cared, Liam continued to cover my face in kisses, I let a giggle escape, opening my eyes again to stare into his brown ones. “I can’t believe it, I can’t. How… when…I don’t know where to start, look, I’m shaking!”

Holding up my hand for Liam to see, he took it, pressing a kiss to each finger, then he intertwined them with his. “I’ll explain this all later, okay? We should go find your grandma.” Really, I had no interest in going to find anyone anywhere, I could’ve stood there forever, just looking at him, searching for every little detail in his face I still remembered, holding his hand, hugging him, seeing his smile, how his eyes never went off of me for more than a second.

When I didn’t move, Liam gave in and kissed me again, not so long this time, he didn’t let go of my hand, but stroked my cheek meanwhile with the other, then he suddenly pulled away, I saw that one tear had spilled over, quickly leaning in to kiss it away. My Liam was not going to cry now. “This is like, one of the best moments in my life.” I told him, because I wanted him to cheer up.

"I’m so happy." He whispered, as if he had to explain himself, then he rubbed his eye quickly, pressing his lips to my forehead for a second, sniffing a bit. "Come on, let’s go."

I pressed into his side when we made our way through the crowd, always looking up at him once in a while, just to make sure, just to see his face. Every time I did, I got a kiss on the forehead and a smile that made my heart wanna jump out.

My hand hurt by the time we found my grandma, she was still smiling, but even more when she saw us even though I couldn’t imagine that I looked decent, my face felt hot and wet.

"Good to see you, Liam." What an understatement. Liam’s hand moved in mine, but I belt onto him so tight, letting him no chance to shake my grandma’s hand, of course she noticed, so she only patted his shoulder, laughing.

"I’m so thankful, I can’t-"

"It’s okay, as long as Niall is happy. Still mad at me for waking you up?" She turned to me, I shook my head, because my throat felt too tight. Liam was next to me. Liam, my boyfriend. I couldn’t believe this. "Thought so."

"I bet he was really grumpy." Now Liam joined, chuckling softly but pressing a kiss on my head when we were walking back to the car. I had gone silent, I was trying so hard not to cry or pass out or scream my lunges out while pulling him into a bone crushing hug.

"Oh, yes. He refused to talk to me." Were they making fun of me while I was there too? Well, normally I would’ve pouted, but I couldn’t feel anything besides pure love for the boy covering me in kisses every five seconds so that distracted me a bit.

The fact that Liam and my grandma got along really well faded, because I was stumbling due to my eyes filling with tears because I couldn’t believe my happiness, luckily Liam made sure I made it to the car without falling down, he kept his arms around me, whispering things to me in order to calm me down.

"Can I sit with you?" I nearly choked on my words, it seemed too much to even think of not being able to touch him for a second, my grandma just let us, she told Liam to put his stuff into the trunk before getting in the driver’s seat, just looking at us smiling for a second, but I hardly noticed, there was only one person I had my eyes on.

"Of course, baby." Liam kissed my forehead, slowly moving his hand out of mine, I tried not to go insane over this, then he sat down pulling me onto his lap before closing the door carefully.

This was even better than holding his hand, I could kiss him, his cheeks, his neck, just anywhere I was able to reach and lean my head against his while he hugged me tightly, returning my touches. And god damn, he smelled even better than his perfume did.

"I missed you so much." I whispered in his ear, close to tears again, I wanted to tell him so much but I suddenly had forgotten it all which was really frustrating, like I had the feeling he would be gone any second again if I didn’t hold onto him tight enough.

"I know, Nialler, I know. I’m so sorry for this all you have no idea how much I love you." His breath hit my face, giving me chills all over my body, how had I even survived one single day without him? …and how would I survive it when he left again?

That was something that slowly came crawling back into my mind, he couldn’t stay here, he wouldn’t, of course not, no matter how happy I was about seeing him and being in his arms, this would end in pain. Probably more pain than before. “How long?”

"What?" Liam looked into my eyes while still stroking my cheek softly, confused.

"How long are you gonna stay?" Even if I tried to avoid it, I couldn’t help feeling my voice breaking away, so I quickly buried my face into his neck, trying to calm myself down by breathing slowly, which was really hard right now.

"Sunday." This was… horrible. "Hey, Ni, don’t think about that for a few hours, okay? We are together right now and I really couldn’t wish for anything else." Well, I could, but I just nodded, sniffing a bit, trying to be quiet, but Liam heard me anyway, he just squeezed me really tight and pressed his face into my hair. "I’m so sorry."

Yeah, I was sorry too, for still breathing. How was I supposed to not think about the fact that he was going to leave me again in three days? HOW?!

Don’t get me wrong now, I was so excited that he was here, but it was so depressing to know that for a tiny second when I had seen him at the airport first, I had had this idea that maybe he would stay. Which was crazy and completely not possible, but my brain shut off when I locked eyes with him.

So the question was, was this good or bad?

On one hand, I was so happy I could’ve hugged the whole world and laughed until the end of my life, because him coming here meant he loved me, that he still wanted me, that he hadn’t forgotten me.

But on the other hand, I loved him even more now when I thought about everything I had missed out on, the slightest touch of his fingertips made me wanna cry, so what would I do with myself after sunday until I was reminded again how wonderful he was? I mean, the pain of him leaving had never gone away but I had had this plan with the money and stuff and I had always thought the next time we would see each other we’d never be apart again (sometimes I even thought about that if he ever broke up I could stalk him).

And now this. As if life was making a fool out of me ‘Oh, what you want your boyfriend back because you are suicidal and have depression LOL here have him for a few days so you can see what you DON’T have’. Shit.

My head hurt from those thoughts, I curled up into Liam, wanting this pain in my chest to go away, but it didn’t, it only became stronger if anything.

He did talk to me, well whisper, saying really sweet stuff, his lips brushing my ear, he slowly rubbed his hand over my back, just anything to get me to maybe answer, but I didn’t. I was just there, on his lap, holding him tight, not feeling physically able to move an inch. For the next ten years.

It was probably mean, maybe I should’ve acted differently, for example when we got to the house, I should’ve told him stuff, showed him around, say something, not turning down the food we got offered before pulling him into my room, immediately turning to kiss him the same second the door was closed.

He let it happen for some time, even letting me push him against the wall, I had no idea what I was even doing, I just cupped his face, pressing my lips against his, forcing them to part.

"Nia-" And no he did not get to finish, maybe he regretted coming here already, to his crazy fucking boyfriend who was trying to make up for three months with one kiss. "Stop."

Liam had grabbed my wrists, holding them against my chest so I had no chance to start kissing him so violently again, he was much stronger than me so I had no other choice but to obey. My lips were burning, they probably looked like his, red and swollen, maybe I shouldn’t have put so much pressure into this, it wasn’t exactly a nice feeling when our teeth got in the way.

"I need to ask you something, okay?" He was interrupted by trying to catch his breath, I was having a hard time with that too, but I nodded, trying not to start crying now, I really always was the crybaby, wasn’t I. "Was it a bad idea coming here?"

Because he regretted it.

"What?" The tears spilled over unexpectedly, leaving Liam’s mouth hanging open in surprise, his grip loosened so I was able to pull away, wiping my eyes. Why did he even come if he didn’t want to be with me.

"Why are you crying now?" When he reached out to touch me, looking worried, I backed away, making his arm drop slowly, no idea if I had hurt him, all I knew was that he had hurt me. "Can I please get an answer, Ni?"

Maybe I wanted to answer, maybe it would’ve been a good idea, but all I did was hugging myself while sobbing. I felt so bad, I couldn’t remember the last time my knees had been this week and my chest had hurt so much from the crying, it was as if I was suffocating, my lunges were screaming for air but every time I tried to breathe in I was just sobbing really bad.

"Niall, what did I say, please tell me. I just wanted to know if it has been a bad idea!" When he started to half yell, it didn’t exactly make things easier, so I gave up on trying to stand up straight, getting down onto my knees, not looking at Liam anymore. "Niall…" Once more, he tried to touch me, but this time I even brought more distance between us, until my back hit my bed, and that’s where I stayed, with my legs pulled to my chest and my face hidden in my arms.

It made me feel a little bit better when I held myself so tight, I had gotten used to this, it was calming at night when I was crying like this (well, not like this, it was really crossing lines right now, poor Liam), curling up, hugging myself, that was my thing. I never said it was normal though.

There was no sound anymore besides my crying, the house seemed to be silent, but it probably wasn’t, I thought Liam had left the room, maybe I had imagined him after all, but I couldn’t lift my head to check, I didn’t want him to see me like that. It was as if he had walked in on me cutting, like, this was really the most vulnerable position I could’ve been in, and I didn’t even know why I was behaving like this. He had never even said that he regretted it, he had just asked me something I had been thinking about as well.

And no matter how hard I tried to think, I didn’t know the answer, because everything we did would’ve hurt me, no matter what, he couldn’t have made the right decision, I just wanted this to end.

After the tears stopped coming, I needed a few minutes to catch my breath, calm down a bit, no idea how much time had passed by, I just hid my face for a bit longer, which probably wouldn’t even help, I just felt like it.

My body hurt when I moved, slowly lowering my arms, lifting my head, the fact that the light hurt my eyes wasn’t a good thing I guess. The cold air even made me shiver when it hit my wet face, so I quickly started drying it with my sleeves before blinking a few times, looking around the room and straight at Liam.

He hadn’t left neither had I imagined him, he was sitting the farthest away he could have been (well, which didn’t say anything, sometimes I wondered if even the bathroom was bigger than my room), leaning against the door, absolutely devastated, I mean it, he seemed to be in shock or something, and to top it, there were tear tracks on his cheeks.

I was a life ruiner.

For a while, no one talked, we were being so stupid (well no, only I was), wasting time, the little we had, but then I finally cleared my throat. “No, I don’t think it was a bad decision.”

Liam looked like he was thunderstruck, as if I had just announced that I actually really liked living here now, he didn’t answer right away, he was just shaking his head over again, taking deep breaths. “Please, Niall.”

"I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to see me like this." Because it was enough that things like that happened in the first place.

"I-I’m just…I don’t know what to say." I felt like crying again immediately, but I didn’t, for Liam, I wanted him to touch me now, but he didn’t even move, he was staring at the carpet.

"I love you." That was always something good to say, maybe a bit stupid, because I was basically forcing him to answer, but it was true and the only thing I wanted to think of from now on. I loved him, he was here, he would stay until sunday.

"I love you too. But Niall… has this happened before?" At first, I wanted to play dumb, but then I met his eyes and I realized he was really worried about me, that he really only wanted to know the truth right now, no lies.

"Sometimes it does. But it’s okay." What was he gonna do about that anyway? Who cared if I cried my soul out sometimes, I had every reason to.

"No, it’s definitely not okay, anything but that. Niall, I thought you were never going to stop crying again, I thought I needed to go call someone to give you something to calm down, you were shaking so much, it really scared me." At the end of the sentence, his voice broke, but he kept himself together, because he was Liam, simple as that. "The only reason why I didn’t do anything was because I was too shocked, I mean I… I cry too, a lot, because of that, but… all I want is you to be okay, nothing else matters to me. We should’ve talked about this before, I’m sorry I made that decision on my own, but I was convinced it wouldn’t do any harm I was so… so excited to see you I didn’t stop to think this through."

"If we would’ve talked this through then we would be in the same situation now, do you honestly think I would’ve told you to stay home?" Ridiculous, I would’ve chopped my arm off for this to happen, that’s why I was getting really mad at myself now.

"No, but… it’s just so complicated and seeing you like this hurts so much, knowing that I can’t do anything even more. I’m just so scared what else happens when I’m not… -" Suddenly he stopped, looking at me properly, and when I lowered my eyes, he had an answer. "Please tell me no."

"What do you want me to say." I mumbled, embarrassed now, like REALLY, I hadn’t planned on him coming of course, otherwise I would’ve probably been able to resist, or maybe not. Who knows, it was too late now.

Liam got up, I heard him even if I refused to look at him, but just blankly stared at my hands that were now placed in my lap, I hated my self in this moment, true and pure hate. “Can I see?”

Of course he wanted to see them, maybe he hoped I had been lying, maybe he hoped it were only scratches, but I was suddenly too tired to say no, so I just nodded, unzipping my hoodie, not even hesitating to take it off, Liam would see the cuts, this way or another, better get it over with.

There were still the bandaids of course, in between all the ugly, gross scars that made me hideous as fuck, but I saw they had been leaking, luckily nothing had gotten onto my clothes yet.

Liam sat down beside me, not touching me, but almost, I didn’t even want to know what his face looked like, all I wanted was turn back time when I ripped the band aids off, it hurt, because I was so angry I didn’t do it right and fast, but slowly, to feel the pain, because I deserved it.

It was safe to say that I was the most unluckiest person alive, the cuts didn’t look any better, as if I had made them this morning, the only thing I could be happy about was that at least they weren’t bleeding, so I just sat there, staring down, not wanting to talk about it.

From where Liam was, I heard some deep breaths, which showed me that I had really made a big mistake. “Am I…allowed to touch you again?” My behavior had been so shitty, now my own boyfriend asked me stuff like this, how far could I take it.

"Yeah…" Actually, that was the only thing I wanted, him to hold me, telling me it would be okay, just tell me any lie, I’d gladly believe it right now.

Liam scooted closer, until our legs were touching, then he put an arm around my shoulder, kissing my head before bedding it onto his shoulder, which was nice, because he also kept his hand on my cheek, slowly rubbing circles with his thumb. “I love you so much.”

"I love you more." He would protest now, but I really did think I loved him more, that was just something my head kept telling me with everyone in my life.

"No, you don’t." See, I told you, but this is where I stopped believing him.

"Yes, I do." Somehow I had a feeling this would turn into something, but I wasn’t quite sure, I just snuggled into his side tighter, holding my arm in a way that wasn’t quite comfortable just to keep it from getting dirt inside.

"How would you know?" Because it was a fact that no one would ever love me back as much as I loved them, how would they do that, there wasn’t much positive to say about me.

"I just do, Liam. How would YOU know?" I wanted to kiss him for at least acting like he really believed what he was saying, but I didn’t, I just stayed still, closing my eyes to enjoy his touches more.

"Stubborn, as always." He sighed a bit, his hand was now just brushing my hair slowly. "Can we just say we love each other equally?"

"I guess that’d work." Even if it wasn’t true, but I wanted his voice to stop sounding so sad.

"Thanks. I’ll… I’ll get you some new band aids…where’d you put them?" Really, I didn’t want him to get up, but after pressing a kiss to my forehead quickly, he was already on his feet, looking at me, shyly as it seemed, so I lowered my eyes again.

"My suitcase." That’s where everything was, I had a feeling he was about to comment this, but then just let it be, finding the band aids in no time, they were on the top, because I needed them all the time lately.

I stretched my hand out to get take them from him as soon as he sat down again, but other than expected, he didn’t give them to me, just moved me so I was sitting in between his legs. This was really nice actually, I could lean back against him, having him all around me, pressing little kisses onto his neck.

"Can I… can I put them on for you?" This question really surprised me now, I felt myself blushing, not really knowing how to react, because why on earth would he ask me that?

"I-I guess, but…why?" Not that I minded, it made me feel better to be honest, but it didn’t make any sense.

Liam took his time to answer, he leaned his chin against my head, unpacking the band aids before slowly and really gently taking my arm, brushing over some old scars, caressing the skin. Why was he always so damn cute?! “Because I wanna take care of you, if I couldn’t keep you from it, I want to at least do that.”

That made me swallow down any words that would’ve probably escaped my mouth, I just leaned back against him, watching him very carefully wrapping my arm up in bandaids, stroking it afterwards, as if this was normal, as if there was only smooth skin. He had always done that, back at home too, he had never judged me or acted differently, I felt so bad, I needed to stop cutting again, for him, only him.

"Thank you."

"Don’t thank me, baby, I’d do anything for you." He wrapped his arms around me now, so I couldn’t use mine anymore, but that was perfectly fine, it felt really good when he seemed to be everywhere, warming me up, cuddling me. "I’d even try to convince you to not do it next time if you would call me…"

"It was like… four in the morning, I don’t wanna bother you in-"

"You would never bother me, I’d stay up any night for you." It seemed honest, but how would I know, I just really didn’t wanna talk about this anymore, so I snuggled into him tighter, breathing in the smell of his skin when I pressed my face into his neck.

I didn’t give an answer because the problem was that we couldn’t talk on the phone all night even if my arm would’ve been dripping, we both didn’t have enough money for that and besides I didn’t wanna leave my house to get a new contract, which led us to another question, who had payed Liam’s flight?

Once I asked him, he told me the whole story, maybe relieved that I was behaving normal now, I really tried okay, it was a bit easier when I felt his arms around me and his soothing voice in my ear or when he sometimes stopped talking just to give me a kiss. It really surprised me actually, Lora not going out, Harry stealing Zayn’s money and Louis was throwing around what he earned when they were just starting to talk about moving in together.

Hm. They would move in together. And me and Liam didn’t even live in the same country. Why did my eyes have to sting again didn’t they run out of tears at some point?!

"I need to thank them for getting you here." But I didn’t feel like doing anything now besides cuddling with him.

"Don’t worry, they know." Yeah, they probably did, considering they had seen me nearly losing my mind over not seeing Liam for one day, getting drunk and stuff, they could imagine my condition after THREE MONTHS. This was so depressing, I had no idea what to say.

We stayed on the floor for a while, snuggling into each other, but my butt really started to hurt so I asked Liam if we could move to the bed, he said yes, of course, and I really liked how he wrapped his arm around my stomach, it was a hundred times better than when I had imagined it.

The embarrassing part was when he found his own shirt I slept with, well not the fact that he found it, but that it had his perfume on, I mean it was hard to ignore the smell when I had even thought about emptying the bottle over it and then realized that not even that could’ve made it more obvious.

I thought he would laugh at me or make some jokes, but really it caught him a bit off guard and he ended up moving us so he was on top of me and could easily caress every inch of my face with both his fingers and lips.

He was really, REALLY good at doing stuff like this, cheering me up and distracting me. “You’re so beautiful, Nialler, I couldn’t wish for anything more. You’re cute and funny and smart and I love you so much and every single one of your scars, your laugh, when you mumble in your sleep, when you act like you’re mad when really you’re not, the way your lips feel against mine, how you fit into my arms. I can’t believe you chose to be with me, I don’t even deserve it. I wanna be with you forever, I’ll do anything to make it happen, anything for you. I promise.” And that was just one part.

Usually, I didn’t answer to that, because he didn’t even leave me enough time before his lips were on mine again, proofing that he really had said it all with honesty. I tried to put all my love into those kisses, so he would see I would’ve tried to say something back, but it would’ve never even been close to be as good as his, so I focused on not dying due to lack of oxygen and a very cute boyfriend lying on top of me.

This was how we spent our first day, I mean, we left the room at some point, to get some food, and it wasn’t even as bad as I had expected it to be, my grandparents liked Liam, I could tell. First, I had been confused because I had thought they would tell my parents but then it turned out that Harry had been the one to call them and explain the whole situation from his point of view.

They knew him, so that worked out, I knew that they weren’t on my dad’s side, but they couldn’t exactly do anything for me besides letting me live with them and letting Liam stay for that short time.

And that was really all there was to the story, no one had tried to convince my dad to let me come home, I wondered if they had already emptied my room or something, probably.

I was in a twist whether I should be excited about going to bed or not. On one hand I couldn’t wait sleeping in Liam’s arms again, on the other hand that would mean our time was running out once again.

And really, since he was here, I had lost every single fear besides not being with him every second of the day.

"It’s like nine, you wanna go shower or something?" We were in my bed again, just slowly kissing when Liam spoke up.

"Hmm… I don’t feel like moving really… you can go if you want to." I had totally forgotten that he had been on a plane and stuff, I should’ve asked him earlier I just couldn’t bear to be without him for so long.

"Okay." He lowered his mouth onto mine again for a while before getting up, going through his stuff.

That was when I sat up, watching his back, his arms and hands, just him, and I wanted him so badly in this moment it reminded me of the night before I had left, only now it wasn’t just so I could remember, I really wanted to. My voice sounded as if it came from somewhere else. “Liam?”

"Yeah?" His hands were still in his bag.

"Can I shower with you?" It surprised him, because he suddenly stopped, looking at me with cocked eyebrows, maybe to see if I meant it, and I did, I even got up, walking towards him. "Please?"

"Of course you can, I’d love you to. But only if-"

"I’m perfectly sure." Maybe it was because I was so calm, or maybe he really wanted to shower with me too, but that put a smile onto his face before he intertwined our fingers.

"Alright." And I wasn’t even that nervous after all, because I looked into his eyes, remembered that I loved him and all the things he had said earlier, it would be fine, as long as he was still here, after that, I didn’t wanna know.

When I think back to our first shower together, I really rather much leave out how I nearly slipped and then practically landed right in his arm, or how I turned the water on ice-cold on accident, got shampoo in my eye and so on, but that didn’t even matter.

What mattered was that we could just laugh about all that stuff before going back to acting incredibly in love again, I still got goose bumps later when I imagined how Liam’s fingers had felt in my hair when he had massaged my scalp, smiling, as if he really liked doing it.

And damn, he looked so fit shirtless, wet (and pant less too, but we’re not gonna talk about that), and it was even better, because I got to touch him and kiss him, this was heaven, why hadn’t we done it earlier? Oh, right, because I was a coward.

In case you are wondering, no I did not have sex with Liam, but you can still do… adult stuff. Okay.

Liam had his towel just lightly around his hips, but he took mine and wrapped me up in it completely, chuckling, as if he found it funny when I looked like this, dripping and not able to move because he pulled me into a hug with my arms pressed to my sides. “You look so cute you have no idea.”

I wanted to protest, but then I liked the idea of Liam babying me too much, so I let him do or say whatever he felt like, drying my hair a bit, rubbing my back and upper arms to warm me up, everything interrupted with loads and loads of kisses.

That’s how I liked it.

After all that, I got really sleepy, so I just managed to get some boxer shorts on, sitting on my bed, watching Liam getting dressed, because even though I wanted to lay down, waiting for him was more important.

"Tired?" Despite the fact that I was yawning just in that moment, I shook my head, making Liam laugh softly before kissing my forehead. "Liar."

"I’m-" And I yawned again. "not."

"Of course not, come on, sleepy time." It was really hard to resist when he held the blanket open for me, so I gave in, curling up, but moving to the wall, so there would be enough space for him.

Lying in bed with him, cuddled into each other, that was on the top five list of things I had missed the most, he was so warm, gentle and smelled so nice, I didn’t know how I had ever gone to sleep without him the last months.

"That was the best shower ever." I made sure to be as close to him as possible, which seemed to be in his interest as well, he was up on his elbow, pulling me close.

"Yeah, it was. I love you." Liam whispered as he leaned over me, his hair still damp, a drop fell onto my forehead, but he kissed it away.

It was very hard to keep my eyes open, I wanted to go to sleep so badly considering I hadn’t slept too much last night, but he was here, I couldn’t waste that time.

"I love you too." My arms felt too heavy, but I wrapped them around his neck anyway, pulling him closer.

"Niall, you’re going to pass out. It’s okay, get some rest." There was a smile on his lips that made my heart beat faster, but I shook my head slowly, my fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

"I don’t want to. I wanna stay awake and-" I was interrupted by having to yawn which made Liam chuckle softly. "talk to you all night."

"Has anyone ever told you that you’re the cutest thing ever." Heat was crawling into my cheeks even though I was about to drift away, he was so sweet, I never wanted to move ever again and just lie here with him half on top of me, caressing my face.

"I’m not." I mumbled, sleepy again and finally allowing my eyes to close.

"Yes, you are." His breath hit my cheek as he continued to kiss me there and then suddenly his soft lips were everywhere, on my nose, my closed eye lids, my eyebrows, the corners of my mouth.

It just was not possible for me to stay awake during that.

 

When I opened my eyes again though, I was suddenly alone. WHAT?

I was sitting in less then a second, my heart beat rising dramatically, this couldn’t have been a dream right? This had been real, hasn’t it? The airport, I’ve been there, the shower, that whole day, I… But where the fuck was Liam? Was I going insane now? Having hallucinations about him coming to Ireland and and… fucking hell.

There were tears on my cheeks that I only noticed when one dropped onto my hand, but I ignored it anyway, throwing back the blanket, and stumbling to the door of my own bathroom, smashing it open.

"Niall, what… are you crying? What happened, what-" Before Liam could continue, I let out a relieved sob and wrapped my arms around him tightly, so tight in fact he stumbled backwards a bit, but grabbing hold of me immediately. "Niall?"

I didn’t answer, I wouldn’t have been able to form a normal sentence anyway and I was busy breathing in while pressing my face against his neck.

"What’s wrong? Did you have a bad dream?" He sounded worried, rubbing my back gently and pressing soft kisses into my hair. "It’s good now, I’m here, you’re okay."

"I-I thought i-it’s b-been a d-dream." Liam was luckily used to me stumbling and choking while crying into his shirt, so that’s maybe why he even understood what I was talking about.

"Niall, babe, look at me." I didn’t really wanna let go of him, but I did, leaning back a bit while he kept his hands on my shoulders. "I know it’s been horrible, but we’re together now and I love you and I wish I didn’t have to leave again, but we’ll get through this." His eyes were soft, yet sad, while I was rubbing mine with my knuckles, having a hiccup.

"I don’t want you to leave again." I whispered, letting my head drop onto his shoulder. Yeah, we were at this point again, not any shower in the world could make those thoughts disappear. Or change reality.

"I know." Liam sighed, putting his hand onto my cheek, drawing circles with his thumb.

To say I calmed down was a lie, I just was tired and moody and childish, but honestly why would I have calmed down, this was awful. Now I had to really choose, did I want to spend the time with him being all depressed but enjoying every minute or act like he’d never leave me and be happy?

I had a feeling I’d spend it trying to choose between those options until it would be too late.

"You wanna go back to bed?" Yes, but preferably with the goal to never wake up.

"Carry me." It was nice to know that Liam could just pick me up like that, plus I really liked when he carried me, another excuse to hold him tight and nearly strangling him. No, not really, I just really liked it and he hadn’t done it in forever of course.

When we got to my bed, I refused getting down, so Liam just sighed, letting me stay in his lap as he placed himself on the edge. “Ni, you’re tired, it’s late.”

"Then why were you up?" I mean, it’s not like I was a control freak, but I had nearly died when I found out about him not being next to me, okay.

"I needed to pee." Oh. Well, could’t blame him for that, I just nuzzled my face into his neck, hoping he would hug me closer, and he did.

"Sorry, should’ve knocked I guess…" But then again…

"No, why? Nothing you haven’t seen." Right, thank god for darkness, my cheeks were on fire, which was weird, they hadn’t been … earlier.

I wanted to stay on his lap all night talking, but I knew Liam was tired, I heard it in his voice, besides I was sleepy as well, just trying not to allow my eyes to close, I needed to stay awake as long as possible.

When I finally obeyed and climbed off of him and under the blanket, he was there a second later, wrapping his arm around me from behind like he always had at home, it made me tear up, but he didn’t see. “Sleep tight, baby.”

"Night." For that short answer he nudged me gently, chuckling against my cheek as he kissed it.

"Haven’t you forgotten something?" I turned around at his words, so we could lie face to face while he ran his fingers down my temple, making my eyes nearly fall shut without me even wanting it.

"Love you tons." With a bit of work, I managed to press my mouth onto his. "Forever." My lips were still touching his, maybe so I didn’t have to wait for his answer, because I had felt weird saying it, what if he didn’t wanna be with me forever?

Liam stopped me, I quickly closed my eyes, just feeling his breath tickling my skin because our foreheads were touching. “Forever.” It did sound like a promise, my pulse was rising at the thought of it, so I snuggled as close as possible, wishing nothing more than being able to do that every night instead of only three times.

I know, I had planned on staying up until he was asleep, so I could shamelessly stroke his face, kiss it maybe, stare at him all night long, but it seemed he wasn’t as tired as me and noticed that I was still awake.

"Nialler, go to sleep, sweetie. I’ll be right here when you wake up, there’s nothing to be scared about, I’ll be here the whole night. When you have a nightmare, when you wake up, when you can’t fall back asleep, anything. I’m here and I won’t let go of you, okay?" Honestly, it was very calming, and it made me feel really loved by him, besides I had a feeling he’d wait till I was asleep, so I did him that favor and gave in.

 

The next days were exactly like that, we only like went out of the house once or twice, there was nothing I wanted to show him around here, nowhere we could’ve gone to make this any better than it already was. Besides, it was warmer outside and I didn’t really feel like going around shirtless, sunlight and stares wouldn’t exactly help me feeling better.

Liam said he was completely fine with staying inside, he said that to everything I suggested, when I said I wanted to just lay in bed and listen to music, he got his iPod, when I felt like making cookies because I acted like I was five years old half of the time, he took my hand, leading me downstairs to the kitchen.

Basically, we had the house to ourselves most of the time, I was so thankful for my grandparents, they maybe didn’t always ask me if I was fine or if anything was up, but maybe that was because they knew that’s how I liked it. Being left alone. With my boyfriend in this case.

That one time we walked around outside was because there were people coming over, I didn’t want them to see me or Liam and it was only for an hour or so, that’s why we took a walk, which was fine. It was dark, we met no one, I could hold Liam’s hand, press into his side tightly, acting like I was scared. Maybe I was. A tiny little bit.

Of course, with every minute that passed by, I felt like I was getting more depressed until I had convinced myself that seeing him leaving would hurt so much that I’d die, so there was nothing to worry about, right? Maybe that was just my brain, trying to protect us from another break down, and surprisingly it worked.

Well, until an hour before we had to drive Liam back to the airport.

I was sitting on my bed, fingers clenched around his shirt (a different one this time, the one he had worn every night while being here, he had given it to me under the condition he got to take mine with him), Liam was packing his stuff, my room was covered in it, because he hadn’t bothered wasting time on putting anything back, unlike me.

Which meant that, after he was done, it looked again like no one lived in here, or as if I was about to leave too, exactly what I wanted.

"You okay?" He smiled when our eyes met, it was clearly forced, I saw that he was sad, just like me, I wanted to tell him, that I had never felt this bad in my whole life, but instead I shrugged, pulling him onto the bed next to me. Liam just let me, not forcing me to talk, so I wrapped my arms around him, leaning onto him as if he was my pillow I hugged to sleep, only that I got a hug back, a really tight one.

I was proud of myself that I hadn’t started crying, not while we were still at home, not when I once again sat down on Liam’s lap in the car, or on the whole ride, or when my grandma said we should go in alone, maybe to give us privacy.

No, the tears came after Liam had gotten rid of his stuff and all we had left to do was waiting, that’s when I suddenly stopped him, which was easy because we had been holding hands the whole time.

"What’s the…Niall." He said my name while sighing, knowing immediately what was wrong by one look at my face, well it wasn’t hard to guess, my eyes were probably really watery. "Come here."

We didn’t care about standing in anyone’s way, I just pressed my face into his shirt, feeling his hand caressing the back of head while I was sobbing. Now I really regretted not taking my pills with me, I could’ve overdosed on the toilet as soon as he was gone.

"I love you so, so much, I wish I could-"

"Please, don’t go." I lifted my head, suddenly having crazy ideas. "Please, stay, please don’t leave me, Liam."

"Niall, I-"

"P-Please n-no." It was unfair what I did, tears were streaming down my cheeks, I nearly ripped his shirt off and here I was begging him, making it even harder for the both of us. "Please, you promised you would do anything for me." Why was I so selfish and evil?

His face got a bit harder after what I had said, but he wasn’t mad at me, he just pulled me to a corner, taking my face in his hands.” I know I did, and I meant it, but this is nothing I can change, I’m sorry, Ni. You know I am, but I can’t do this.”

"You promised." I really would’ve deserved him yelling at me now I guess, but I was just whispering, rubbing my eyes while he wiped the tears that escaped, his face was so hurt, I had never seen it like that. "Stay. Please."

"I got you something… before I came here, wanna see?" Liam ignored what I had said, because, what could he have answered?

All I did was nod, still busy rubbing my eyes, they were starting hurt now, but compared to the pain in my chest, it felt like a massage.

When let go of me for a second to get something from his backpack, I nearly even freaked out at that, I had gotten so damn sensitive, I needed my therapist back, I really thought I did, or something, someone to help me.

"Give me your arm, Ni." He didn’t wait, he just chose one himself, the one I had cut a few days ago, then he moved the sleeve up a bit, I didn’t care actually, I was only watching his face, not what he was doing. The way he bit his lip, how his eyes looked as if he was tearing up, how much I had hurt him with my words before, I had never meant to do that, I only knew I’d try anything to get him to stay with me, or say anything. "Look."

Only when he made me, I looked at my arm, seeing that he had put a wristband on, it was just simple, brown, but it had something on it, and I bet you’re guessing it, an L. Instead of thanking him, I was being an asshole. “No one’s ever gonna see it.” Which was true, but I shouldn’t have said it anyway.

"Doesn’t matter, it’s meant for you not anyone else, and it’s there, and I just fixed it unless you take scissors you won’t get it off." Now I looked up again, moving my wrist, feeling it there, which maybe was the whole point. "I can’t stay, as much as I want to, trust me, there is nothing I want more, but I can’t. I know you will think about cutting again, and that you won’t call me, so I hope you remember me and how much I love you and that maybe it changes your mind." It wouldn’t. I knew it, I was still crying, reaching out for his hand now, which he took, pressing a kiss on the back. "Will you promise you will stop and think of me if that happens?"

"Yeah." How could I have not, I was thinking about him every second of every day now I literally felt it too, on my wrist. "I promise."

"Thank you." Once he had intertwined our fingers, he leaned forward, kissing me, not very long, but really sweet. "I love you."

"I love you too." But not even in that moment I could keep myself together, when he held me close, one hand on my waist. "Please stay."

"Niall, stop, please, I-"

"But how am I supposed to do this without you?!" My voice was louder now, but who cared, the airport was filled with too many people.

"Don’t yell, I am so sorry, believe me, I’m begging you. We will be together again soon I-"

"I can’t do this, Liam. I can’t." That was the truth, but I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

It wasn’t fair, really not, but we kept on arguing until we were both crying and I wasn’t able to talk anymore, all I choked out was ‘Stay, stay, stay’, while Liam hugged me, giving up on trying to explain what he had to do but trying to shush me instead.

Didn’t quite work.


	14. Chapter 14

It felt so horrible, having to literally open Niall’s fingers up, making him letting go of my shirt, I had a really bad feeling, in the pit of my stomach, something was going to go terribly wrong.

That’s why I called his grandma while he was still holding onto me, creating an even bigger wet spot on my shirt, not that I cared, but the amount of his tears really scared me. And what he would do once I was in that plane.

"Ni, baby, I’m so sorry, please stop crying." He kept replying that I had promised him, and I knew I had, I hated myself for making promises I couldn’t keep, hated myself for thinking it was a good idea to come and visit him for such a short time. I had really broken him now. Why couldn’t I just stay?! Right, because my stuff was gone already, because of my parents and school and because this wasn’t goodbye forever.

After realizing that he wouldn’t stop, I just kept him in my arms, rocking him gently back and forth, trying to stop my own tears, but they were just dropping into his hair when I buried my face in it. Niall’s hug was bone crushing, but it’s not like I minded it, I wanted him to be as close as possible for the last few minutes, because we didn’t have forever, that plane wasn’t gonna wait for me.

"I love you, baby, I love you so much and I can’t say it often enough, I’ll see you soon, okay? Promise we’ll see us soon?" There was more behind my words, I was holding his face in my hands, not crying right now, but he did it for the both of us.

"Liam, please." His voice wasn’t more than a broken whisper, I couldn’t take it, not that nor his face, so I pressed my lips to his forehead, seeing that his grandma was there, trying not to watch us, but she did and I knew she felt with us.

"I’m sorry, Niall. I’m so sorry." Then I just left, I just walked away, not looking back, my tears had spilled over, I didn’t want him to see that, and I was scared I’d never be able to leave if I turned my head, so I made sure to disappear between the crowd of people. Get through security check quickly, just get out of sight.

Everyone stared at me I believe, at the weird guy with the wet shirt, the one who was crying as if someone had just died, maybe they had seen me before, hugging and kissing Niall, but it’s not like I cared what anyone thought.

It all took so long, I didn’t dare checking my phone while waiting to get on the plane, I was such a coward, but if there had been a message from Niall, I wouldn’t have been able to leave. No way, so I turned it off.

The flight wasn’t long actually, but it felt like it, as if I needed to be forced to think about what a horrible person I was, what I had done.

Everything was my own entire fault.

If I hadn’t hung out with Niall, he would have never even gotten into any trouble with anyone at school, no one would’ve beaten him up, he wouldn’t have me in his life as another problem, Harry would be there for him, he’d have a somewhat normal life, he’d get better one day, be happy.

But now he had started cutting again. He was sometimes crying so much he nearly choked. He had lost his parents and his fucking home. Because of me.

I loved him so much I wished I had never changed schools, I wished I would still get made fun of every single day just so he would be okay.

 

My parents couldn’t pick me up, for which I was actually really thankful, because I hadn’t managed to get my face back to a normal color, so it was nice how Harry fell into my arms out of nowhere. Over his shoulder I saw Louis, whose smile disappeared when we locked eyes, maybe I really looked pretty horrible, at least that’s how I felt.

"How was it?" Yeah, how had it been? The best and worst moments in my life combined, how did you call that? Hell.

"Well…I…Niall is…" Even worse than before, thanks to me.

"Not so good…?" Harry pulled away again, stepping back so Louis could wrap his arm around his waist, both of them stared at me, worried.

I was biting my lip really hard, trying not to start sobbing now, adjusting the strap of my bag on my shoulder, searching for an answer that would make them at least feel a little bit better, but I wanted to tell them, to have someone to talk to. “It was a bad idea, I… I shouldn’t have done that, he…”

"He what?" The way Harry looked at me, I knew that he knew, while Louis’ confusion gave him away too.

"He…" I didn’t know what to say, my throat was so tight, there were images making their way back into my head, so I helplessly just pointed at my arm, knowing that one of them would understand.

"Shit." Harry muttered. "Shit. Does anyone know besides you?"

"No." Maybe I should tell someone, his therapist, but I didn’t have her number.

"What is going on? What happened?" So Harry had not even told his own boyfriend about Niall’s past, that made everything even worse, like, now there were only two people who knew everything because Niall’s parents didn’t seem to give a shit. No idea why but I felt the need to tell someone else, someone other than Harry who was really cool and stuff but… Louis was older and seemed more responsible.

The airport was pretty empty now, it was late, and I overreacted really bad, a tear escaping my eyes when I just spit it all out because I couldn’t take this anymore.

"Niall cuts himself, he stopped but now he started again. And he has tried to kill himself last summer, he went to therapy and stuff but I’m so scared he will try again, I don’t know what to do, please tell me, he was crying so much at the airport and he said I had promised him I would do anything for him so he begged me to stay a-and I-I d-didn’t-" No idea where this was going, but I ended it with dropping my bag and burying my face in my hands, crying.

The other two were probably speechless, well Louis, I regretted having said anything, I had just hoped it would be easier to say it out loud, but it only made things worse. Now I couldn’t even keep secrets anymore, I was the shittiest boyfriend in the whole world. “Liam…”

I ignored Louis, because I couldn’t talk now, what did he expect me to say anyway, I just wanted to go home and find out it had been a dream and Niall was waiting for me or about to come over to my house to spend the night because it was sunday and we needed to study for tomorrow and… shit.

"I should’ve told you…" Harry mumbled, I had made him look bad too now, but he didn’t sound mad at me luckily.

"No… I understand why you didn’t I mean I… I could’ve guessed it but…Liam, calm down, come on, his grandparents are there, he won’t-"

"They leave him in his room all by himself the whole day, I…" After I was able to hold back more tears, I rubbed my eyes, looking at Harry and Louis again who looked even more worried. Great. "I should go home."

I didn’t wait for an answer, I just left them there, as speechless and shocked as they were, making my way out of the airport, away from the only place that would be able to bring me close to Niall. Why was this so hard?

Since I had no idea where Louis car was, I was forced to wait, but luckily they didn’t take too long, throwing glances at each other, but no one talked, I knew they would as soon as they had dropped me off, but I didn’t care.

"Liam, listen if you need to talk we-"

"No, no I’m fine, thanks." Obviously, it was a lie, it was meant to sound like one, but also show them that I didn’t want to talk about it, because I had realized they couldn’t help me. No one could.

So I smashed the door closed, hoping it would break (which it didn’t, I wasn’t as strong as I told myself), stumbling to my doorstep, I really didn’t know why I was hurrying up, I could’ve as well taken five years and it wouldn’t have made a difference, no one was waiting for me. No one needed me to be next them when they couldn’t fall asleep, or kiss their nightmares away, nope. I was all alone.

With a dog that I couldn’t stand to look at anymore without crying.

The problem was, I was so hypersensitive I couldn’t even go take a shower, me and Niall had showered together everyday I had been with him, this was really taking over hand.

To be honest, I hardly managed to take off my shoes, thinking about going to bed while still having them on, but I mean, fully dressed with jeans and all was bad enough already, bloody uncomfortable too, I felt so gross, but I didn’t care.

Niall’s shirt was the only thing I bothered to unpack, burying my face in it, hoping to, I don’t know, suffocate with his smell in my nose.

 

"Liam? Liam, wake up, come on, you have your clothes on and all, you didn’t even say hi." I groaned when I heard my mum’s voice, turning onto my back, rubbing my face a bit, hopefully it had a normal color again.

"How late is it?" Late enough to call Niall?

"Past midnight, you have school tomorrow." Shit, I had been asleep for four hours, I hoped Niall was still awake, I longed to hear his voice so badly. "How was it?"

My mum looked at me, obviously immediately regretting asking, why did everyone want to know how it had fucking been to see your boyfriend after three horrible months just to say goodbye all over again after four days?!

"Good." Then I just started taking my jeans off, so she’d know she should leave, which she did, sighing, but at least she remembered that I didn’t want the dog in my room, so she kept him from coming inside as she walked out again.

Once I was done and had even covered myself with a blanket, cuddling Niall’s shirt to my face, I felt my heartbeat as I turned my phone on again, waiting a bit, but there were no message nor missed calls. So he hadn’t tried contacting me. It stung a bit, I curled up, telling myself he was waiting for me to call him first.

My problem was that I was too good at convincing myself, that I was too excited to hear his voice, so maybe that’s why I dropped the phone when I got his voice mail.

He had his phone turned off. He didn’t wanna talk to me anymore.

It could have had other reasons, maybe he had slept in and the phone was out of battery.

Maybe he didn’t want to be disturbed while he was asleep.

Maybe it was broken.

Or maybe I should stop telling myself lies.

 

_To Nialler <3 12:17 am_

Baby i know you’re mad at me but please call me back i need to hear your voice so badly, please im so sorry i wish i could make it alright. i love you, sweet dreams xxx

 

It wouldn’t help, I was somehow pretty convinced that he wouldn’t call me, not today and not tomorrow. Maybe never. Maybe he thought it meant I had broken up with him. Or maybe he wanted to break up with me.

Probably. I would do it if I was him.

I felt so bad, I couldn’t stop crying for an hour until I finally got myself to take a shower, brush my teeth, doing anything to make myself feel better while checking my phone constantly, paranoid I’d miss his call or not reply to a message within five seconds.

But there was nothing to miss out on.

No one was awake anymore, but they also either didn’t wake up or just decided not to complain, so I went back to bed silently, more awake than I had ever been.

After a few minutes of tossing and turning, I sent another text message to Niall, just telling him again that I loved him and that he was the most amazing person I had ever met. Somehow this made me feel really empty.

I didn’t want to be alone in here, when it was so quiet, no other human being breathing, I wished I could’ve asked Harry or Louis to come over now and sleep on my couch, they could also both sleep on my couch, but it was too late to call them.

My parents weren’t an option, my dog hated me most likely besides he wasn’t human so I had no choice.

Lora had a couch, a pink one, it was fluffy and very weird to even sit on, but it would keep me from doing stuff to myself.

She didn’t answer when I knocked, of course not, so I just opened the door slowly, seeing only black for a few seconds. “Lora?”

"Hm." That sigh wouldn’t help me.

"Wake up. Please." I talked louder now, because I needed her to listen.

"What?" Even if she was annoyed, I was very relieved to even hear her being all grumpy.

"Can I sleep on your couch?" The last time we had shared a room had been like seven years ago when we had gone on holiday and we both had complained a lot about that, swearing we’d never do it again. Things changed, people did too.

"You…Liam?" Actually, her voice went from mad to surprised, then we both blinked at each other, against the light she had turned on. It was weird to see her without make up, she usually refused to walk around like that in the house, but now it made her look younger than sixteen. That was calming somehow, I mean, she was my baby sister after all. "Is that Niall’s shirt?"

"Umm…kinda." Well, it was mine now.

Her face turned sad, really sad, then she put her hand over the light switch again, monitoring for me to go to the couch. “Please don’t snore.”

"I don’t." I was really happy she allowed me to stay, so I quickly closed the door, nearly falling over because she turned the light off too soon, but that was fine, whatever, as long as I didn’t have to sleep in my own bed.

In fact, I was so thankful, I tried extra hard to be careful, not making any sound while moving or when I pulled the blanket higher, which was totally unnecessary, she was the one to speak up again. “Niall isn’t doing well, is he?”

"No…he…he cried a lot and… yeah. He ignores me now." It felt good to tell her, I hoped she would make up a lie to make me feel better.

"I could sell my phone and my TV so you could go again." And the crazy part was she sounded honest. Since when were we that close again?

"No, thanks I…we’ll figure this out I thought about talking to his dad or… convince his grandparents to lie and let him stay with me here or… I’ll find a solution." None of these things would work, Niall’s dad was too unpredictable, I was scared he’d get my whole family and Zayn to jail and Niall to Japan or something.

"Sleep a bit, maybe you feel better tomorrow." Or worse.

 

No one commented on where I had spent the night, we never talked about it again, I drove to school with Lora, she told her friend that she had to sit in the back today because I got the front seat. Usually I sat down in the back, but I had totally forgotten about that, so I was about to get out, but my sister surprised me once again. And her friend as well.

Funny, if you think about that a few months ago they had been talking bad about Niall in the hallways.

My first class was horrible, of course, it always was when I had to sit in the back alone, staring at the empty seat next to me instead of to the front. I sent a few more messages to Niall, nearly starting to cry during the next break when his phone was still turned off, hopefully he was alright. I deserved it.

It all happened in my second class, I was in the back there as well now, not feeling so terribly depressed anymore, I could pretend that Niall was in his class as well, that I’d grab his wrist on the hallway, pull him into a corner to quickly kiss him, run my fingers over his blushed face before taking off again, grinning over my shoulder to where he was touching his lips, obviously liking what I had done.

But before I was fully into it, someone knocked, making everyone’s head turn, even mine, without real interest though.

The situation, and my mood, quickly changed once I saw who it was, the headmaster, looking a bit as if he was in a shock, and next to him a crying Harry Styles.

I was up before anyone had spoken up.

"What- Mr. Payne, please sit down again." The fuck I’d do. "What is going on here?" He talked, but no one gave an answer, Harry came running into my arms before I was even out the door, so everyone saw it, starting to whisper, while my teacher was going crazy, but we ignored him.

"Harry, what happened? Tell me, come on!" I knew it, he didn’t have to say it, because the way he was shaking while hugging me, and crying into my shoulder was enough, however I wanted to hear it myself, so I shoved him through the door, keeping him and arm length away from me once we were out of sight. "TELL ME!"

Who cared if anyone heard me?!

"N-Niall…h-he k-kill-"

"DON’T LIE TO ME NO HE DID NOT!" And now I was crying as well, letting go of Harry, he probably stumbled backwards but I didn’t give a shit.

Niall.

He hadn’t. No.

He had promised me, remember?

He wouldn’t break his promise.

He knew how much I needed him.

He…

"Liam, I think we need to-"

"NO WE DO NOT!" Who did that fucking brick think he was, he could throw me out of this fucking school because I’d leave it anyway, it was hell walking through those hallways.

Harry and me were both crying now, only that Harry was doing it silently, leaning against the wall, hugging himself, and I sunk to the floor, burying my face in my hands, trying to stop shaking but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t believe this, as soon as I would it would be real.

Someone closed a door, there were people talking, but I didn’t care, didn’t react to the hands on my shoulder, or someone hugging me very awkwardly because of course I wasn’t hugging anyone.

Then I lost the count of time somehow, my body hurt, but after a while, it went numb, maybe I was still crying, I didn’t know, but I was definitely still shaking, very badly.

"Liam. Talk to me. You need to talk to me." AND WHAT EXACTLY WAS LOUIS DOING HERE?! "Liam, he’s not dead, did you hear me? He’s not. Look at me."

Liar.

"If you don’t calm down they will call an ambulance, they’ll keep you and you won’t be able to go and see him." I lifted my head now, seeing that Louis was kneeing in front of me, his hands on my arms, behind him were some teachers, the headmaster and Harry with tear tracks, looking like he was going to jump off the next cliff. "There you are, I’ll help you up mate, come on, we’ll do this."

How was he so calm, if Niall had… no. No way. He hadn’t, what are we talking about?

I took Louis’ hand, letting him pull me up, everything was kinda blurry, I tried hard to focus on his face, barely feeling his arm around my waist keeping me on my feet. “Niall…”

"He’s alive, Liam, I swear by my love to Harry." Would he risk lying about that? Probably if he thought I wasn’t stable enough to remember this later. Oh hell yes but I would.

"Harry said he… don’t lie to me." My voice was louder again, so everyone could hear me, some teacher stepped forward, I wondered why they were even here, since when did anyone care.

"He is not lying, Liam, they nearly lost him but he’s on life support." The urge to throw up was really bad, instead I leaned into Louis, even if we had never been this close, but I just needed someone by my side right now. Someone who loved Niall as well, which were definitely not his teachers.

"What happened?" Maybe it had been an accident, right? Accidents happen, I mean…

The way everyone suddenly went silent was pretty scary, the whole situation was freaking me out, no one wanted to tell me until Harry stepped forward, putting his hand on my shoulder, rubbing it a bit as he shared a look with Louis. “Niall… tried to…to drown himself.” Fucking hell.

Luckily there were two people now ready to catch me, that was the only reason I didn’t hit the floor, but my sight got blurry again, what was happening with me? “When?”

"This morning. He took sleeping pills and just … you know-"

"Mr. Styles, the details are not from importance." YES THEY WERE.

"Well, Liam is his boyfriend I think he has a right to know everything he wants to. Come on, Liam, we’ll sit down outside." Walking was hard, but Louis and Harry were there, making sure nothing happened on the way, I wondered if every teacher would now just go back to their classes, but some (except for that asshole who had talked earlier) offered their help, gave Harry a water bottle and so on.

However, they still left us alone once we were on the stairs, the air made my head clear again, I looked to my right, seeing Harry’s puffed eyes, his red face, his shimmering cheeks, and then Louis, who didn’t look good either, sitting in front of us, watching both of us very worriedly.

"Tell me." I wondered why they were still silent, I wanted to finally know.

Louis sighed, obviously agreeing to be the one to say it, I felt Harry’s head on my shoulder, for which I was kinda thankful, it was a bit calming.

"Well, okay." My stomach made a twist again, I was biting my lip so hard I tasted blood. "Niall’s granddad called Harry, during his class, he picked up, because he recognized the number. He…he was crying and then…he told him that Niall has been very quiet when he and his grandma came back home from the airport. He went straight to his room, locking it, so they got suspicious of course, but let him be for a while." Those stupid- "But they checked on him, don’t worry, they actually even get up at night usually. Niall doesn’t know about that so I guess you don’t either." Oh. "Anyway, they slept in, you know, and woke up at like five. The problem was, Niall didn’t answer, they didn’t hear anything, which usually meant he was asleep, but there was still light. So they got a second key…Liam, do you want me to stop, you look green."

"No, carry on." I forced my eyes back on Louis, swallowing back my tears.

"They had trouble, but once they opened his door, he wasn’t there. His stuff was packed, it always is, but the suitcase was even closed this time. The only option left was the bathroom, in his room obviously, I don’t know really if-" I nodded. "Okay, so his granddad had a hard time opening it, but he finally did and… there were… "

"What?" This was like a horror story, I swear to god.

"Bloody…tissues and empty pill bottles and Niall was… in the bathtub and the water was-"

"Stop, Louis, my god, stop!" Harry nearly freaked out, his fingernails were digging into my arm now, which was good, it kept me awake.

"Red." I finished Louis’ sentence, he nodded.

"Yeah. They had no idea how long he had been in there, they pulled him out immediately, trying to get the water out of his lunges and stuff after calling an ambulance. He has lost a lot of blood too, so it was very difficult to stop both the bleeding and try to keep him alive. When help came they thought he was dead already." But he wasn’t, right? My baby was still alive, I’d see him again, I would, I had to. "So that’s why Harry came into your class, his grandparents thought he was dead as well, but he’s stable now, not awake, but he will be okay."

"Sorry…" Harry mumbled into my shoulder. "They called me again, you know, while you were kinda… well, I hope you don’t mind but I took your phone to look for your parents’ number because they asked for it."

"So my parents know?" Now everyone would know the whole story, maybe the whole school, Niall’s secret was out. It’s not like I cared really that much, but my thoughts didn’t seem to make any sense, I hadn’t actually gotten it into my head at this point, I guess I just didn’t want to.

"I guess, we don’t know anything else, that was like half an hour ago and we were trying to get you to talk to us until now." Louis tried to give me a half hearted smile that I couldn’t return, I took a deep breath, staring over the empty school ground, not feeling anything.

"What will happen now?" Would he just stay there? Would this just start all over again?

"Since this was his second attempt I… I really have no idea what they are going to do. Suicide watch, I guess, therapy, pills, I don’t know, Liam." But what would they give him pills for, I knew what the problem was.

"It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have let his dad take him away, he… he was getting so much better, he didn’t need any antidepressants anymore, it was… perfect and then…" Then I had broken every promise. Had kissed him in front of his homophobic dad how stupid.

"No, Liam, it’s not your fault. If it was it would be mine as well, because I knew the whole story too, you know. But it’s not, it’s his dad’s fault." Honestly, who cared whose fault it was.

Niall had broken his promise. Didn’t he know how much I needed him? That he was the only reason I had stopped cutting? Because I had seen this blonde, cute, lonely boy needing me to be strong for him. He was my only reason for everything. And he had tried to take it away today.

"Why did he do that, he promised me he wouldn’t, I thought he wanted to be with me forever, that’s what he said…" I just mumbled to my hands, not really expecting an answer now, but I got one anyway. Harry moved from my side down to Louis, snuggling into him, but keeping a hand on my knee.

"He loves you so, so much, Liam, you should’ve heard him talking about you when he called me to talk about how you guys have kissed. How scared he was you would push him away, that you would leave him, he doesn’t know how it works, accepting someone’s love, trusting them. It’s not his fault though, it’s depression, you know, and all the things that have happened." That didn’t answer my question. What had should I have done to prevent this? I told him that I loved him, every day, I showed him, I had done everything.

And yet we were here, Louis would probably lose his job for just leaving, Harry and me would have a long conversation with the headmaster and miles away the most important person in my life had tried to drown himself. In what kind of a world did I even live?

We just sat there, in front of our school, people came out at some point, I didn’t know what I was waiting for, maybe for my life to end who knows, I just couldn’t understand, I wanted to cry, but I had no tears left.

No one asked us, but at least no one made weird comments either, not even about Harry and Louis cuddling, some teachers came, saying some stuff I ignored, because what did they know? Nothing.

I guess school was over when Lora came, with my bag in her hands, she just dropped beside me, leaning her head on my shoulder, I leaned mine against hers, because I had liked Harry’s there so this was fine as well. The one I actually wanted wouldn’t come here anyway.

If my sister knew then our parents had either told her or everyone knew already, I wasn’t quite sure if I was interested in finding out, my mouth was too dry to form a word anyway, so I’d have to live without knowing that. Fine.

"Mum and dad are gonna come here." Lora suddenly spoke up, which made me wince a bit, because the people were gone now and it was only the four of us, but then I nodded, hoping they’d have more information.

They actually did, my dad didn’t look good, he just kissed Lora’s forehead, patting my shoulder for a second, mumbling something like a ‘Hi’ to Louis and Harry, then he disappeared into our school, doing whatever.

My mum, however, didn’t come up the stairs, she just locked eyes with me, I saw all the pity in hers, feeling bad because that’s not what I wanted. “Liam, can we talk for a second?”

As soon as I was next to her, she pulled me into a hug, whispering “I’m so sorry, honey.” into my ear before making me walk away with her a bit, I guess so no one would hear.

"I talked to Niall’s grandma." She started, her voice not sounding quite happy. "I didn’t know that… he cut himself and about last summer…"

"Yeah, well, why would I have told you." It probably sounded mean, but I meant it, why would I have ever brought it up?

"I know, that’s not what we’re talking about. The hospital called Niall’s parents as well and…" According to her face, their reaction hadn’t been good. "His mum had a mental breakdown, they took her to a hospital and his dad…"

"What did the asshole say?" I only got a glare for my language, but actually I thought she agreed with me.

"He said it’s a pity he couldn’t do it right after a second try." WHAT?!

"Are you kidding me?! He-"

"Calm down, Liam, it’s not your business to get upset over that. They took his legal guardianship, and his mum’s too after the whole story was out." Thank god, this would mean…

"Does that mean-" I was nearly beaming now, thinking about Niall being allowed to come home again, oh my god.

"Wait, Liam. It’s not that simple, you know. After all he still attempted suicide for the second time now, he has been self harming again and apparently also overdosed on his pills for a while." A while?

"What does that mean now?" Would they keep him? In Ireland?

"We’re not sure yet, but it seems his only relatives are his grandparents, they brought you in, and his old therapist, and they want to talk to you about this." Yeah well, I could give them a clear explanation about how Niall needed to be with me for- "In Ireland."

"What?" Had I just heard that right? I needed to go there? To see Niall?

"Yeah, you heard me. You’ll have to be quick, your dad called the airport and got you and him a flight, it was nearly full." I was speechless again, my mum still looked worried, I didn’t quite know about what, maybe me.

"When?" I’d see Niall. I’d see him.

"Two hours, your dad’s inside talking to the headmaster, you’ll leave after that. Liam, this is serious." She probably reminded me because I had gotten too happy, I knew what she meant, I also knew exactly HOW serious this was, but my emotions were going crazy, I wasn’t quite sure what I felt.

 

Again, I felt bad for Harry, because he was Niall’s best friend, but he just told me to give Niall a kiss from him (on the cheek), besides that he didn’t look anything near mad.

During the flight my dad talked this through with me, but left me time to think myself, and actually this really got me down to earth again, I know I had been excited, but suddenly it hit me really bad, the reason why all this stuff was happening.

Suddenly I couldn’t stop imaging Niall crying in his bathroom, cutting his arm, somehow getting the idea to take all those bottles of pills before laying in the bathtub.

This had been planned out, I wondered since when. Had he known he would do this when I had turned my back at him? When I had just walked away like that? What if I wouldn’t have come to visit him? Would he have still tried at some point? Or was this really all my fault?

And the more important thing, he hadn’t called me. He hadn’t written me back. He had actually tried to die, it hadn’t been a cry for attention, no, he had really wanted it, and he had nearly succeeded as well. Without saying goodbye, nothing, after those four days of us swearing we loved each other, he tried to leave me forever, breaking his promise.

What if he’d try again?

But you know what was the very worst part? Not that he had basically given no fuck about our relationship or any promise, it wasn’t that, or that he hadn’t talked to me or to anyone and just went ahead with his plan.

The worst was actually seeing him, he still hadn’t woken up, and he had always been pale, I knew the scars on his arms, but his arms were covered in band aids now, his face color didn’t look healthy.

He really looked like he was dead, the only thing calming me down was that beeping sound from the monitor, otherwise I would’ve freaked. Seriously.

I was shamelessly crying, even if my dad was there and nurses, but I really didn’t care, I wanted him to wake up, open his eyes, look at me and telling me he was fine or I don’t know, that it had been an accident.

Yeah, that was what I truly wanted to hear ‘Liam, I would never leave you it has been an accident, I love you and I trust you’. Clearly, some of those things weren’t true.

All I was allowed to do was sit by his bed for ten minutes or so, alone luckily, I carefully took his hand, shivering, because it felt like touching an ice block, only that it was softer, so I held it in between mine gently, pressing a kiss to the back, trying to warm it up, but it didn’t work so well.

I had heard that you should talk to people when they are… like this, but I didn’t know what to say besides all the things I had thought he already knew. Obviously not. That’s why I was kinda just silently crying, holding his hand, not daring to touch him anywhere else because he seemed so fragile, even more than usual, I would’ve never thought this would happen to me, I wondered if Harry had felt the same, that horrible helplessness.

Secretly, I hoped he would wake up while I was with him, but he didn’t, and all I brought over my lips was “Please don’t leave me.” before walking out, quickly, because I felt like breaking down again.

i hadn’t been able to keep him from that, I hadn’t done enough, why had he so desperately wanted to leave me?!

 

"Are you sure ‘bout that you-"

"Yeah, I’m sure, you know that, dad." Wasn’t it kinda obvious.

Niall’s grandparents looked satisfied with my answer, somehow even relieved, I was relieved as well, and nervous when everyone suddenly left me alone again, maybe to give me time to think.

It’s been a few hours since I had been in Niall’s room, I felt terrible, but I was scared to go back, besides I’ve had to talk to people and wait for Niall’s therapist (who was crazy, I’m serious, she even hugged and thanked me).

But now that everything was sorted out, I somehow couldn’t wait any longer, it’s not that I didn’t want to see him, hell yes I did, but I needed to ask him stuff while looking into his pale face and it would always bug me in the back of my head what he had done.

An accident was impossible according to everyone, and when Niall woke up (I hadn’t been with him, I only heard it from nurses) his first words after asking where he was had been “Why didn’t you let me die I tried so hard this time”, then apparently he started crying, which made me cry as well, but over what he had said.

I had tried so hard this time. He had WANTED it so badly, it was terrifying.

"Liam." Funny thing, everyone seemed to know my name in this hospital, I assume it was because Niall’s therapist had nearly lost her mind over getting me permission to go see Niall whenever and how long I wanted, they gave it to her, her arguments were too good, considering it was her job… and yet I was still here in the hallway, waiting for maybe the apocalypse or so.

"Yeah?" Of course I knew what the nurse would say, I felt my hands getting sweaty, so I rubbed them on my jeans, trying to calm down.

"He told me about you, you know. Before I even told him you’re here." Her face was soft when she sat down beside me. She wouldn’t wanna talk about this with me, I had already had to talk to someone, maybe to make sure I wasn’t gonna kill myself as well.

"What did he say?" My hands were in my pockets now, I felt the wristband I had given to Niall, they had had to cut it off in order to take care of his bleeding arm. How ironic.

"That being without you has been more horrible than any therapy or any visit in a hospital. You should go and see him, he’s better now." Then I felt a hand on my shoulder before I was left alone again, in a strange hallway where everything smelled like death and illness, my stomach was turning.

I was up on my feet even if I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t wait any longer, if I did I knew Niall would ask me for a reason, and again he would start with “Liam, you promised, you promised and now you didn’t even want to see me” and I wouldn’t survive this another time.

There was a doctor inside, so I waited leaned against the wall next to the door, Niall hadn’t seen me, his eyes were pressed closed, he was scared of needles.

Once they let go of him, he started rubbing over the band aids slightly, holding back tears, I wanted to go over and kiss it better, but I wasn’t able to move.

"We’ll check on you again in an hour, if you-"

"Can you get Liam for me? Please, maybe he doesn’t know I’m awake yet, he would have come if he did." Heard that? I was a terrible person.

"I’m here, Ni." People’s heads turned at my voice I guess, but I’d never know, I had my eyes closed, trying not to cry or go insane or whatever.

No one answered me, but I heard the door open before being closed again, so I guess they left us alone, which meant I needed to do this now, whether I wanted to or not.

My eyes found Niall’s, they weren’t as blue as usual, which made sense to me considering he didn’t look very healthy in general, but better than before for sure, however there were still all those machines and stuff, and that thing stuck in his hand, I was scared to touch him. Not that I moved from my place.

"Why?" I choked out, the only thing I really wanted to know, but he looked down, playing with his fingers, so I got upset, pushing away from the wall. "Niall, answer me. You broke your promise, you told me you wouldn’t do it, and then-"

"You broke yours first." Here we go again.

"I couldn’t have stayed, you know that, you know that I would have, but tell me how that would’ve worked!" We shouldn’t yell at each other, this was ridiculous, but I couldn’t lower my voice, I was so sad and mad at myself.

"I don’t know, okay! At least what I did shows you how much I love you!" There were tears in his eyes, about to spill over and run down that gorgeous face, but I couldn’t calm down, I was shaking while standing in front of his bed.

"You wanted to leave me alone, how does that show how much you love me, you didn’t even write me before, you just went ahead!" This was not even my problem, why was I yelling it at him?

"I would have rather died than live a day without you, I would have written you, but it’s not like you would have cared, just tell me that you don’t want to be with me, break up already, isn’t that why you came?!" His voice was cracking. "You were the only one I ever loved and I trusted you and you said you would do anything for me, but I couldn’t take not being with you, I didn’t even want to kill myself at first, but the pain was overwhelming I- I c-can’t b-be w-whithout y-you!"

After that I shut my mouth, because he turned to his side, not looking at me and taking every chance for me to see his face, but I heard him crying, saw him shaking, and I didn’t know what to say.

Harry’s words came back, somewhere in my head I knew I had been wrong confronting Niall like that, I hadn’t thought about it enough, now I felt terrible again.

Niall really loved me so much he had tried to kill himself, not to hurt me, but he was CONVINCED I didn’t like him as much as he liked me, he thought I would leave him again, maybe even break up. Because that’s what his whole life had been about, even his own parents had abandoned him.

How had I expected him to believe me?

"Niall, I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sorry, it’s not your fault. And I’m sorry for leaving you, I didn’t know what to do either, please try to understand me." I finally decided to move, sitting down in the chair beside his bed, which meant his back was towards me. "Niall, please."

"Are you gonna break up with me?" He suddenly asked, breathing in slowly, maybe to calm himself down, I still didn’t know what to do with my hands, I didn’t dare touching him.

"No, why do you think I would do that? I love you more than anyone, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t." But he didn’t believe me, right. "Turn around, baby, I wanna see your face."

"No, you don’t." At least he was able to talk normal again, but he still made me sigh, why had I been so stupid, I’ve had enough time to think about the right thing to say.

"Yes, I do, do you want me to move the chair to the other side?" That would only make him turn around again, but surprisingly he did what I had asked him to, even if he rolled his eyes and kept them away from mine. "Do you want your wristband back?" It wasn’t broken, I would be able to fix it.

"Why don’t you give it to someone who doesn’t have to cover it with their sleeves?" Niall mumbled into his pillow, rubbing his eye with his knuckle a bit, he seemed so helpless, I leaned over him and kissed his cheek before I had even planned on doing it.

"I don’t want anyone to see it besides you anyway, it’s yours and if you don’t want it I’m gonna keep it until you do." My lips were still on his skin, I was whispering, liking the fact that he didn’t try to move away. "I love you."

"Why?" He sounded as if he was out of breath, turning onto his back now, but not bringing more distance between us. I kept my arm around his stomach, brushing the hair out of his forehead with slow motions, I hadn’t touched him in so long, now that I finally was brave enough to do so, I didn’t think I’d be able to stop.

"Because you are the most beautiful and most amazing person I know and I get butterflies when we kiss or when you look at me and I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t have you." I smiled down at him, just going ahead and giving him a soft kiss on the lips, because I needed him to believe me.

"Then I’m sorry." As he lowered his eyes, his cheeks flushed just the slightest bit, but it got me really excited because he could use the color and it looked so pretty and cute when he blushed.

"It’s okay, everything’s okay, you’re alive, that’s all that matters, okay? And I’ll do anything to keep you from ever doing it again, I’ll do it right this time, when I promise you I won’t leave you, then I won’t. So I’ll promise you now. I won’t leave you again." He looked a bit confused, not how you look when you believe someone’s words.

"But … you’ll have to go back home and I…" No one had told him, because I had said I wanted to be the one.

"Niall, how much do you know about what is going to happen now?" According to his face, he didn’t know anything, I nearly laughed, not because I found it funny, but I was so relieved that he was alive and breathing and suddenly stretched his arm out to wrap it around my neck.

"Nothing, actually… Liam, are you crying?" His voice got sad, before I was able to do something, he had already wiped the tear away softly, making me shiver slightly as his finger touched my skin. I had a feeling it would take a while until I could take it for granted again.

"No, I’m not. I’m just glad to have you. Listen, Ni, they put you under suicide watch." Obviously.

"Who is gonna do it?" He looked worried now, I kissed his forehead.

"Me." That’s what my dad had asked me before, but would I have even been able to turn that down if I had wanted to?

"Really?" Niall’s face lit up, but he still seemed full of doubts, so I hurried to keep on talking, I wanted him to know that this time I would keep my promise.

"Yeah, of course. And guess what." I couldn’t help but smile again, about to let a few more tears drop.

"What?" His voice had turned into a whisper.

"My parents got the legal guardianship for you, which means you come back home with me and my dad as soon as you’re better and you’ll stay with us." It hadn’t been really difficult to make this happen, the only one who could have gotten it besides my parents had been his grandparents, but they said they would prefer it the other way. Everyone had said that, even my dad, something that had really surprised me, I hadn’t known him and mum had talked about that.

"Are you serious?" Niall’s face was priceless, I felt his fingers on my arm, digging into the skin, but I didn’t care, all I watched was him.

"Of course I am. You’ll have to go back to your old therapist though, and go back to our school, one of us is gonna have their schedule changed to match the others and-" Before I would finish, Niall had pulled me down to kiss me over excitedly, I knew he was, I felt it and I couldn’t help smiling despite the situation we were in, because things had turned out good after all.

"I love you so much, I’m sorry I did it again, I swear, as long as I have you I really want to keep on living, I’m serious, Liam. You’re the only one I’ll ever want, I know it and I’m so happy I could cry, but I won’t this time." Why was he so adorable?

I pulled away a bit, so I could stare down at him, his face wasn’t so colorless anymore, he didn’t look too ill, but I’d still stay here until I was allowed to take him with me, I wouldn’t leave this room until then.

Even if we were both smiling now, had our hands all over each other, I couldn’t help it but break suddenly, this had been such an awful day, such awful three months, I suddenly imagined what would’ve happened if they wouldn’t have been able to save him, doesn’t matter if the first time or this one. My life would have sucked so much without him in it.

"Hey, don’t cry, please." Niall was tearing up as well, however just this one time I was the one not being able to hold it back, I leaned forward, bedding my head against his shoulder, something that usually happened the other way around, but now Niall was the one trying to calm me down. "It’s okay, Liam, everything’s okay now, I promise. I’m not gonna do anything again, I love you too much for that."

"I l-love you too." He actually did a really good job, kissing my head, stroking my hair, whispering sweet nothings into my ear. How had I deserved such a perfect boyfriend.

 

We stayed three more days, which meant it was thursday already when we came back home, they let Niall go earlier actually, because he was suddenly so happy again, he laughed the whole time, he cracked jokes, he was his old self again.

I couldn’t believe my luck, all I knew was that I’d try anything to keep him this way now.

When we were together, I didn’t get upset over anything, not waiting for a plane or lining up for something, Niall was holding my hand the whole time, he didn’t let go, not that I would’ve let him, but none of us even looked like we would.

The only time was when one of us had to go use the bathroom, but I think that can’t be counted.

I liked babying Niall, I know sometimes I was a bit overprotective, but I couldn’t help it, he was so damn cute and cuddly, no one could hurt him, he was mine, forever, and I was the only one who he came running to to tell funny stories or cuddle up to when he was tired. Just me, no one else.

My dad even told me, he had never payed that much attention to how we behaved towards each other, but now he was seriously impressed. That made me proud.

Of course, Harry and Louis came to the airport, they hugged Niall so tight, they all nearly fell over, it made me happy to just watch, that someone needed him so much (not as much as me, but still) and showed him so much love he had missed out on in his life.

They weren’t the only ones though, Lora was beaming too, and my mum, Hunter too, of course, just everyone.

The only problem remaining were his parents, but that day we didn’t bring it up, there was nothing really to do, I knew Niall wouldn’t want any contact with his dad again and to be honest, I don’t think I would’ve let him. About his clothes and stuff still in his old room, we’d think about that, but I guess I didn’t want him to go back there, at least not anytime soon.

We spent the rest of the day at my house, it was as if nothing had ever happened, Niall had stayed so often for dinner and over night, it wasn’t even new or anything, the only thing was that we couldn’t stop touching each other or grin over nothing at all, no one seemed to mind that though.

I fixed his bracelet once we were alone in my room before pulling him onto the bed with me, kissing him all over his face until he couldn’t stop giggling again.

That’s how we spent the first week, we were laughing a lot, just being gentle, talking, being together 24/7 without ever getting tired of each other, but I couldn’t deny that I wanted Niall pretty bad. However I let him decide everything, I would’ve waited years if he told me he wasn’t ready, but I didn’t have to, there was this one night he suddenly started going further than usual, making me take my shirt off, since I was more than okay with that, I went along with everything he did, always asking if he was feeling good about it and stuff, he always said ‘Yes, god, Liam, just go ahead’. Which sounded pretty needy, so that’s what I did.

 

"We need to take a shower." Niall was lying on top of me later, I felt his bare skin pressing against mine, because as you can guess, our clothes were gone.

"Later." I reached out, pushing the sweaty hair out of his forehead, before running my hand down the back of his head, down to his spine, where I stopped, slightly stroking the skin with my fingers.

"If you do something like that you better be willing to do everything again later." Maybe he blushed, most likely, but his voice sounded so bossy that I started laughing with my eyes closed.

"You’re so naughty." I felt how he moved forward, kissing my neck on a very sensitive spot, according to what he had done earlier I’d get stares on monday. Well, we would got stares anyway, because we always did even if it was getting better. I had come to an agreement with myself to do whatever I wanted in public, which included kissing my boyfriend, holding his hand, hugging him. Well, and obviously Niall had made a rule as well, being allowed to make love bites in places everyone could see.

"Don’t act like you don’t like it." He whispered in my ear, making me shiver, because his hand was suddenly stroking down my stomach too, but I stopped it before he was going too low.

"Can I please catch my breath first?" This was how far it had gone after only week of being home again. Well, I wouldn’t complain.

"Fine." I opened my eyes again to see him shrug, laughing a bit because he acted like I had been asking for permission.

"Or we could do homework." Of course, I wasn’t really planning on doing it, for god’s sake we were naked in my bed and it was saturday night, we were all alone, but I wanted to make him mad a little, which worked pretty good.

"Liam!" He was about to move, but I had my arms wrapped around him so tightly, he quickly gave in, pouting.

"I was just kidding, baby, calm down." Even if he rolled his eyes and acted annoyed with me, he was still the most precious person I knew, it amazed me every day again, I woke up every morning and found him curled into my side or on top of me and I just had to take a few minutes of convincing myself that it was reality.

Having him move in with us had been the best decision ever, I wanted it to stay like that, finally I wasn’t jealous of Louis and Harry anymore that they would live together, Niall and me were planning on that too. There was only one thing missing. “Niall?”

"No, I’m not gonna go get my books and you won’t either." As if he needed to prove it, he kissed me, pretty long actually, maybe to change my mind, I let him, even if I hadn’t even planned on saying something like that.

"I wasn’t planning on" I laughed, pecking his lips again, once I started it was hard to stop. "I wanted to ask you something."

"What is it?" It was so cute, he got excited all over again, making me laugh softly before I went back to stroking his face and hair.

"You know how much I like having you here, right? And how I asked you a few days ago to move in with me when we’re done with school?" That had been the best question to ever ask him, because he had been so affectionate afterwards, I felt like my cheeks would have to be amputated after smiling like this.

"Yep." The fact that he was still happy about it made me wait for a second to appreciate his face, pulling him close again until my forehead was touching his.

"I wanted to ask you another thing." Now I was getting a bit nervous, but it wasn’t the first time I brought it up, only the first time face to face.

"Ask." Niall was whispering though I heard how curious he was, he always was.

"Marry me? I mean once we’re old en-"

And I never got a chance to finish that, because he pressed his mouth onto mine, only stopping for a quick ‘Yes’ that gave me tingles, before immediately deepening the kiss, his hands all over my body again.

"Niall what-" Not that I minded, but…

"Celebration sex, Liam, I don’t accept a no, you brought this up by yourself." Well, I mean, I HAD to obey, laughing quite a bit over his words, I hadn’t expected them to come out of his mouth, and I knew he wasn’t thinking right now, however, he’d probably be embarrassed later, but that would only make him even cuter if anything.

So that’s what we did, the shower had to wait for a bit, because what sense would it have made?

I was so happy later when Niall was asleep, on top of me, warming me up, tickling my skin with his breath.

Everything came up now, I was pretty sentimental after he had agreed to marry me, but I mean, just let that sink in.

Never ever had I thought I’d ever find anyone like him, I had always expected to live my life hiding who I really was, changing schools after schools, or job after job, depends, I had really seen no future for myself anymore.

Now this boy had just showed up, telling me that I was the one who had saved him, but that wasn’t even true, he was my own personal savior in ways I hadn’t even known I needed to be saved.


End file.
